Conflicted

I hate when my head knows what to do, but my stupid emotions try to take over.

The Hubby and I made the decision today to join a gym. We've had weight loss equipment--a very nice elliptical, a Bowflex, and a stationary bike--for years. And we've used them. And I have a whole library of workout DVDs. But, none of that was motivating enough for us, so we are selling the equipment and joining a gym.

I am actually very excited at what all that will mean. I've wanted to join a gym for quite some time, but reasoned that since we spent the money on such expensive equipment, that was just dumb and that I could do everything I needed/wanted to do at home.

But, both The Hubby and I have lost some motivation, put on weight, and just really are ready for new things.

See, four years ago, I embarked on a weight loss journey and was quite successful. It started off very vain--I didn't want to be the "fat" bridesmaid in a good friend's wedding. So in January 2007, I went on a diet and started working out with The Biggest Loser workout DVD (and later, the second BL DVD and the stationary bike with some Bowflex mixed in) and by May, I'd lost almost 20 pounds. After that, I sort of stalled out. I kept eating healthier and tried different workouts, though not always as diligently. By the end of that year, I'd manage to maintain my weight loss, even through the holidays.

That maintenance motivated me and the next January, I decided to step it up a bit. I was still only using workout DVDs, the Bowflex some, and the stationary bike. But, I also really learned about healthy eating and made great efforts to stick to a healthy lifestyle. So, even when I wasn't losing weight, I was feeling good and looking good. By May of 2008, The Hubby decided he really wanted a good elliptical machine at home. He was also overweight, but had been working out at his office gym on weights and an elliptical. So, we bought one. And I loved it. There was so much more I could do. I would do 30 minutes on the elliptical followed by 20 to 40 minutes cardio DVD one day and the next do the Bowflex followed by 20 to 40 minutes strenght DVD. Then I added an ab workout and a high intensity cardio workout on the elliptical. We were doing a fitness challenge at work and I was kicking butt. In addition to all that, I was walking up to a mile and a quarter every day with friends at work.

By Fall, I was down a total of just over 30 pounds and I was looking and feeling so good. I had to buy all new clothes, which was completely awesome. The Hubby and I got married in October of that year and I did Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD the 30 days prior. I actually had to slow down a little for fear of losing too many inches that my new clothes were starting to get a little loose. I also decided to try my hand (and my feet and my knees and my back) at running. I even ran a 5k in December.

Then came January 2009.A series of events that are by no means good excuses caused me to completely lose my way on that journey. First, I had to have my wisdom teeth out at the beginning of January at the age of 31. A simple google search will tell you that the older you are, the harder the recovery from getting your wisdom teeth out. I was basically out of commission on the workout front for at least a month. I tried a few times, but the blood pounding caused horrible pain. I had a hard time getting back into a routine I liked after that. Not an excuse, but there it is. I did make a valiant effort for about a month and was feeling pretty good--I even worked out in my room and in the hotel gym on a business trip in early May.

In May, my dad had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery. He is divorced, so my brothers and I took turns seeing him in the hospital, caring for him, and taking him to his physical therapy. He lives and was in the hospital over an hour away from my house.--one way But, a couple of times  a week, I made that drive. It was exhausting and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home or the days I didn't go was workout. Again, not a valid excuse, but there it is.

And then, we started TTC and I hit the busiest busy season I've had in my nearly 10 years with my company. I was working 50 to 55 hour weeks, my hormones were going crazy, and my motivation was just not quite there anymore. The Hubby also started a new schedule at work, which completely threw off my normal workout routines. We did both start working out in the mornings, but I wasn't alway consistent with the crazy hours I was working.

By Fall, I had gained back about 5 of the pounds I lost. Not so bad. Until the post-BC hormones hit. I very rapidly gained 10 to 15 pounds in a month's time. By no means do I blame just the hormones. I know my responsibility, but it didn't help by any stretch.

And this past year has just not been any better. I've gained back every pound. And that is my own fault. I've been so bogged down with TTC that it has just outweighed my need to exercise.

And that's where the conflict comes in.

In my head, I know it is better to get routines set now and get in shape now. It might help me get pregnant, it would certainly help during pregnancy, and would definitely help me post-partum.

But, my emotions and my fears put me someplace else. And now, especially, after so long trying, I'm so afraid.

I want to lose the weight. I want to look and feel like I did. I want to be healthy--I loved that. But I worry about what my workouts do to my body. I'm afraid if I workout too hard, I could mess up my cycles. Or if I workout too much in the 2ww, am I causing a problem with implantation or could I cause an early miscarriage.

In my head, I know these are ridiculous thoughts. I know that I have no history of any of these things and that I've been active before, so if I start out slow again and build back up, I'll probably be just fine.

But at this stage of the game--15 months in--I'm afraid to do something to prolong conception even if it the outcome--health and weight loss--are positive.

I'm hoping that by joining the gym and starting fresh, I can assuage these fears. Sometimes I think that by working out at home, I was feeling like I should workout the way I was before. So, maybe by having other options, I can allow myself this fresh start to build some new routines.

And if I do happen to be pregnant this cycle, I can still use the gym for light workouts. I'm really excited because they have a pool, which I know from friends is great in late pregnancy for some activity that doesn't hurt.

So, I'm cautiously excited to start this journey. To my readers (because I know you are out there, and I love you for it), I will probably blog about it some--and not just as it pertains to TTC. And if you actually made it all the way through this post, bless you. I know it was long and you are probably thinking unnecessary, but I felt the need to put my journey out there--for me.

Where to Start?

I've had a few posts rolling around in my head the past few days, but holiday craziness kept me from posting. So, here it all is.

First up, bye bye thermometer. I decided to quit temping this cycle after confirming O on Christmas Day. The Hubby and I talked about it Christmas night and agreed it was for the best. We were planning on just hanging out in our PJs on the couch and watching movies that night and I didn't want to worry about making sure I actually got in bed at the right time to get my temp. And since I'm off work until the 3rd and we have New Years Eve in there, I just don't want to have to worry and obssess. As The Hubby said, it's in God's hands now, we've done everything we could do. Plus, he was starting to get a little obssessive about temps--asking me every day if it was up or down. So, just winging it from here on out.

Second, The Hubby being so ready is killing me. He talks to me about it all the time, he drops hints to everybody that I could be, and then there was yesterday. The day after Christmas, we did Christmas with his family. My SIL has 3 kids who we are very close to. We spend the afternoon with them and went to dinner with two of them. He is completely smitten with our youngest niece who is almost 8 months old. And he took our nephew to the bathroom to clean him up after eating and said it was exhausting but fun. He's so ready, in ways he doesn't even know. I just don't know if either of us can handle another disappointment.

And, last. Today is my birthday.

I am 33.

Let me start by saying 33 is NOT old at all. And I have never been one to feel much of anything about my age. 25? Eh, no big deal. 30? Didn't bother me in the slightest. But, 33 is a little harder than I'd like, but I think that is all because of TTC.

I was 31 when I started trying, putting me at 32 for a birth. Then, I got far enough into 32 that I was 33 for birth. Now, I'm at 33 and still trying. I see my dreams for more than slowly flying out the window. While in theory I would have no problem having babies until the age of 40--my mom did, at 39 and 40--I just don't know if that's what I want. And The Hubby already has concerns about his age (5 years older than me), so I just feel like we only have a couple more years to really have kids.

I'm not sad about it or depressed, but it is definitely adding another element into the mix for me.

I don't know how I feel about this cycle. I think our timing was as good as it could have possibly been. Two days before 0 and the day of. I got positive OPKs three days in a row, including the day of O, which never happens. And I was using digitals, so no questioning the smiley face. I'm hoping this week will be busy enough that I won't think about and next week back to work will be busy enough that I won't obssess over any phantom symptoms. We still have the plan in place for more testing if this cycle is a bust, so I have that to look forward to.

Last Christmas . . . (again, ya know, like the song?)

We attended our friends' annual Christmas party this past Saturday. At this same party last year, the Hubby inexplicably "announced" to some of our friends that we were trying. One of those friends is not known for his discretion, so by New Year's Eve, all of our friends at least wondered if they didn't know for sure.

So, here we were Saturday night, one year later, at this party where we and one other couple (who don't plan on having kids) were the only ones without kids. Last year, I was annoyed at the Hubby for having let the cat out of the bag, but mostly laughed it off because I knew that this year, at the very least, we'd be pregnant at that party, but most likely, we'd have an little one and possibly not even be at the party.

I started a tradition when we got married of buying a new ornament every years. My goal is for them to have some meaning for our lives that year. The first year, it was a "B" for our last name (I wanted a bride and groom, but could never find one I love; I have since found many I love; whatever). Last year, I was in an odd place with TTC, so hopeful and new and all I could think was that this year, I'd be buying a baby's first Christmas or something like that. Yeah, not so much.

Last Christmas, or a few days after, my mom told me that I had missed my cousin "announcing" to the family on Christmas Eve (we had to miss that party due to a freak snowstorm) that she and her husband were going to start trying in March. I knew my mom was telling me as a "I really want you to have one first" push. So, I went ahead and said to her "well, we have a few months on her, so there's a shot." And I really thought there was. Like, really, truly, it really didn't seem real that we wouldn't have a baby this Christmas. (My cousin is not pregnant yet either.)

Christmas is turning out to be harder than I thought. I knew it would be to a certain extent because Christmas is so child oriented. But, it wasn't until I started doing so many of my familiar things that memories of what I expected to be true for this year came flooding back. Now, I can hardly look at ornaments or hear a Christmas carol without fighting back the tears.

And I hate that. And I hate that I have the same thoughts this year--oh, NEXT year, I'll be buying baby's first ornament instead of one that reads "Believe." And NEXT year, I'll be thinking of my baby and crying to "Mary Did You Know" instead of blinking back tears to "All I Want for Christmas is You" or "Merry Christmas, Darling."

I find myself creeping into my forbidden place--the place where I start to question and ask why. I have a very big rule against that. I firmly believe that somehow, some way, God has a plan, even when thinks are dark or bleak or make no sense.

And if ever I should remember that it is at Christmas.

After all, Christmas is when the miracles happen.

Baby, It's Cold . . . (ya know, like the song?)

(A shout out to my friend, Tracie. This post will not make you cry. I can be funny--or so I think--sometimes!)

So, it's winter. Well, it's almost winter, but it's December and even in Texas, December can get pretty cold.

And cold interferes with "sexy plans."

In the summer, it's really easy to sneakily decide to wear something a bit skimpy to be in hopes of getting some babymaking sex out of the hubby. You know, 'cause it's hot and I don't want to be hot when I sleep. That's not so likely to happen in December, especially in my house.

So, last night, I'm getting ready for bed and making plans in my head. What could I put on to sleep in? Hmm . . .  maybe those new cute flannet boxers and sleeveless top. But, the top is a bit uncomfortable and then I started thinking the hubby might catch on if I was so scantily clad. Plus, it's cold in our room

See, the hubby is polar bear. The temps can be in the 30s and he still insists we keep one of the bedroom windows open at night (I do insist that below freezing = closed window), that is in addition to the standing and ceiling fans. Thank God for my MIL who bought us a heated mattress cover--with dual controls--for Christmas last year. And turn the heater on? Ha! I am usually issued "it's not THAT cold."

Basically, I spend winter in my house in sweats, flannels, layers, and under blankets.

So, what's a girl to do when she needs to "use" her hubby? Just had to use my powers of seduction--while wearing an oversize army green T-shirt, mauve stretchy pants, and purple fuzzy socks. Sexy, huh?

It'll be a wonder if we ever make baby!

Left Out, Left Behind

"They're leaving you behind."

Those were the words my mother said to me when I told her one of best friends was pregnant a little over a year ago. I had also told her that this friends two best friends were also pregnant and due a week before and a week after my friend. My mother did not know that we had also just started trying.

I, of course, rolled my eyes at my mother and brushed off her comments. I didn't think they would be leaving me behind because I would be pregnant soon, so I'd only be a few months behind them. Oh, the best laid plans.

Now, those words seem truly prophetic. I feel left behind.

Nobody makes me feel that way, at least not intentionally. But each passing day it gets harder and harder to be around moms--new, old, expectant. They are all getting to places or have been to places that I haven't and that just seem so out of reach.

I've been writing variations of this post in my head for a few days. Twice in the last week I have been in situations that have left me sad. And I hate that I have felt this way. It makes me feel like crap that I can't just be around my friends, with or without their babies, and not feel this way.

But I do. It is so hard to sit and listen to moms discuss their children, discuss being a mom, discuss being pregnant and I have nothing to contribute. And it's not like they expect me to or necessarily think anything about the fact that I can't/don't contibute. But, I hate it.

I hate hearing "now that I'm a mom" or "being a mommy this or that." I hate pregnancy stories or, well, any of it. And I hate that I hate it.

I feel so inadequate. I feel like I don't belong. But I also feel like I need to just get over it. I can't take myself out of the situations. For one thing, I want to hear my friends talk about these things because they are my friends and I love them and I want to hear about their lives and see their babies. And I want to talk about it with them in the hopes that they'll still want to talk about it with me when and if it is ever my turn.

And then I'm afraid they won't want to talk to me. I'm afraid that by that time it is my turn, they'll all be so far removed from where I am that all I will hear is the "oh, yeah, I remember that" with their shared nods and looks or that they'll just be so far removed and into different places that they won't want to hear me.

It's getting harder. Maybe it is just the time of year and that so much of the holidays is kid and family focused. But, I just really feel very sad these days and my dream feels further and further away each day. And I feel further and further removed all the time from the people I'm close to all because of this journey and the constant "failures."

Cycle 16 and I'm Okay

I'd be lying if I said deep down I didn't want to crawl into bed and cry and wallow in self pity.

But, that wasn't an option today.

It wasn't an option when my temp. showed to be nose-diving. It wasn't an option when I had to write my self assessment for work or get dressed and attend my work group Christmas party. It wasn't an option when I went to the bathroom and saw what I was dreading, but had to sit at my desk for 10 minutes to complete some work.

I have 101 projects that need to be completed right now. It's not practical to let my world stop for the day. Hell, I didn't even drink wine.

In my head, I'm going my plans constantly. For this cycle, EPO back into the daily regimen, use the pre-seed, start OPKs earlier, sex every couple of days to every other day up until ovulation is confirmed, and keep the hubby involved. If the cycle is a bust, on to more testing after the first of the year. And I've already calculated with I should ovulate--the week of Christmas, maybe even Christmas Day itself. Maybe we'll make our own little present.

This is keeping me going.

I almost faltered earlier. I had to tell the hubby.

I was dreading it.

I've pretty much "known" for a few days. Three days in a row of falling temps was enough of a reality check to overshadow the "odd" cramping and "odd" CM. But, the hubby still isn't 100% convinced about this whole temping thing. When I told him this morning that I had a huge temp drop (didn't go so far as to mention yesterday's spotting), he got frustrated and said it didn't have to mean anything. In order to avoid an argument, I let it drop.

So, when I got home this afternoon, I thought I'd better go ahead and tell him instead of waiting for him to ask. He was pretty upset. I actually had to reassure him and tell him it was going to be okay. A complete reversal of roles for us in this situation.

I'm still devestated. Just as devestated as every other time. I had let myself have grand visions of telling my mom for Christmas--I even thought it would be funny to take  a picture of positive pee sticks and put them in August (my phantom EDD) on the calendar I'm making her for Christmas. Yep, I let my head go there.

But, for now, I'm pretty proud of myself for forging ahead. I really didn't need to get bogged down and lose my momentum.

So, I'm forging ahead and looking at the bright side--like being able to drink at Christmas parties and gatherings and New Year Eve (I should be in the 2ww at that point, but I don't think I'll it deter me as would still be early enough)!

Optimism

op·ti·mism

/ˈɒptəˌmɪzəm/ [op-tuh-miz-uhm]

–noun

1.

a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

 

When did I lose my optimism? In the beginning, it was always there. I didn't think at 9DPO what I would differently the next cycle. I didn't start looking ahead to when I would ovulate the next cycle so I could start thinking about timing.

 

Now, I just assume I'm not pregnant.

 

Sure, there are days or hours or minutes where I have hope, but I always quickly push them away. And if the hubby says anything, I shoot him right down. And I feel bad about that. He accuses me of not being positive and putting out all the negativity to the whole thing.

 

He's probably right, but I just feel like I'd rather do that that so the disappointment isn't as high. But then I do worry that I'm almost willing it not to happen. Have I mentioned the roller coaster?

 

I will admit to feeling more optimistic this cycle than I have in a long time. I don't know if it's from the hubby being so "on board" right now--he's really taken a more active interest in this whole getting pregnant thing--or if it is the holiday season giving me hope. But, I'm okay with it.

 

I think even if I let myself get optimistic, I won't let myself get overly disappointed. I've been down that road too many times, so maybe I've finally found a way to balance the two.

 

Or maybe that's being too optimistic!

Out of the Hubby's Mouth: Glowing

TH: You're glowing. Me: The sun is shining directly on me. TH: Oh.

The hubby is such a goober.

We met of lunch this afternoon. My seat happened to be in the direct path of the high afternoon sun coming through a window--to the point where I spent half the meal leaning forward because the sun was getting in my eyes. As we sat waiting for our food, the above conversation took place.

Now, he quickly denied that it was the sun causing the "glow" and that he had noticed it for a couple of days. He also claims to be more attracted to me lately, which he attributes to something--not sure what exactly, but something (I attribute that to him having watched The Great Sperm race last weekend, which talks about a man being more attracted to a woman during certain times in her cycle, like ovulation).

He's really very cute. He's very excited right now believing we had really good timing.

Of course, it would be way too early for me to have a pregnancy glow--hell, implantation probably hasn't happened yet. But, it's hard to argue and burst his bubble.

The Missing Stocking

I'm decorating the house for Christmas today.

It's one of my very favorite things to do in the world. I love Christmas. I love the music, the lights, the weather, smells, the colors. You name it I ove it.

This year, I feel like I'm putting a little more into it. I'm making lists of things I need to "fill in" the gaps in my decoration and have every intention of actually making the purchases.

The Hubby even seems into it more than usual. He was practically giddy on the way home from Thanksgiving dinner know that the next day was decoration day (which got delayed 2 days due to my illness). He happily helped move furniture to make room for the tree, brought the tree in from garage without a grumble, and hasn't rolled one eye at my Christmas bear collection.

It has been a very good day in our house.

Until I hung the stockings.

Still only 5--one for each of us, one for each of the furbabies, and one for our angel furbaby.

But not one for a baby.

Decorating last year, I wondered how I would rearrange things to make room for a 6th stocking this year. It never occurred to me that I would be approaching this next Christmas still TTC and still without the need for a new stocking. I really thought I would have an infant or, at the very least, be pregnant this Christmas.

It hit me hard. But, I did manage to hold back the tears. I didn't want to ruin the mood and I didn't want to upset the hubby. He's got so much hope right now that this cycle is it. I keep getting caught up in that even though my practical side is trying to fight it. It's so early and I've been disappointed so many times.

Maybe by Christmas, we'll have reason to go buy a new stocking. I probably wouldn't, but the thought that it is still a possiblity gives me hope.

Sick Sex

It's called dedication.

I have been slowly getting sicker all week. Sore throat started Monday night. Took a some cold meds. Sex.

Fever Tuesday. Better Wednesday but late night made us both two tired for sex despite the positive OPK.

Then came Thursday. Thanksgiving. Negative OPK. So, that meant today ir Friday were probably it. But we also had to get up and I had to pretend not to feel like crap for Turkey Day, which would inevidibly make me feel worse

But I was determined. And, thanks to a renewed passion to succced by the hubby, he was a willing party despite my ickiness.

So, it was after midnight (in other words Friday morning) when the hubby made it to bed and since my temp was up this morning, we may have missed the window.

But, by God, we did it.

And all I can say is that is determination and dedication to the cause.

So it damn well better have worked!

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Product Review: Evening Primrose Oil

As I mentioned a few days back, one of my "things I'm doing different" this cycle is taking Evening Primrose Oil (EPO). The reason for this is I had heard from many ladies on The Bump that it helped increase EWCM.

Let me tell you, it does!

Because I'm not all "sciencey" (I'm a copy editor, I get to make up words like that), so I will provide a link to a site that will give some insight into the supplement and how it works.

So, I started taking it on CD4 (or 4, now I can't remember). The bottle says to take 3 a day (these are 1,000mg capsules), but I've only been taking 2. I take them at night before bed along with my prenatal vitamin.

As per my norm, I started with watery CM a day or so after my period ended, actually had some spotting with the watery CM one day. But, much to my surprise, instead of dry or creamy CM after a few days of watery as usual, I went to EWCM on CD 10. Normally, I don't start seeing any until at least CD12, later the past few months.

Starting in July, I believe, I noticed considerably less EWCM than I had experienced in the past. This had never been an issue for me, even before I started drinking green tea, which also is supposed to help with EWCM. But since July, I have had maybe one day of EWCM and sometimes that was questionable. I drank water, drank green, and nothing.

I also bought PreSeed to try this cycle, but have yet to need to break it out. I figure why pull out the "fake" stuff when I've got so much natural to work with?

I just wanted to throw in a little update on that--Jen, mostly for you since you asked!

Of course, I have no say of knowing right now if it will help me actually get pregnant, but it has definitely done what it was supposed to and I am VERY happy about that!

Oh, and I got a positive OPK this afternoon on CD12--earliest one I've ever gotten. So, pretty excited about that to (funny how positive OPKs are the one thing I still get excited about in this whole process). Bring on the ovulation!

Such a Bitch

Me, that is.

I feel horrible.

I need to admit something here that I have only admitted to one person. I have been "preparing" myself to make happy faces for a pregnancy announcement.

As Thanksgiving draws closer and I still am not pregnant, I have been very afraid of my cousin, who started trying in May-ish, announcing her pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I will genuinely be happy but as anyone who has struggled knows, there are still mixed emotions.

So, I've been preparing myself for a couple if weeks now so that when it happens, I will react appropriately.

Today, I feel like crap. I told my mom what I've been doing. And she told me my cousin had been having problems. We don't know any details past she's had to be put on birth control to regulate things.

How selfish am I? Here I have been just assuming she'd get pregnant right away. And all I could think about is how I would react.

Th other thing that sucks is I had just reached a point where I was thinking how cool it would be for us to be pregnant and have babies together. I have been thinking that maybe it would bring us closer and how much the family would love it.

Now, I find out we have this other bond and it is one I don't want to have. Despite what you might think based on what I've said in this post, the minute I found out she was trying, I prayed she would not have any issues even if that meant she got pregnant before me. I could just never wish how I feel and what I have gone through on anyone, let alone family.

So, now I know we have this in common. And clearly she is under a doctor's care. And now I don't know what to do.

Do I talk to her? Do I ignore it? I'm a talker and would love if someone in a similar situation wanted to talk but would she feel the same? But would she be afraid to approach me?

Infertility sucks.

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What Is the Answer?

No, not to that question.

I know there is no secret answer to how to get pregnant. Trust me, I'd have found it by now.

The question: how do we make people understand? Correction. How do we help people understand?

That one may be just as hard to answer.

People do not understand infertility. Actually, many people don't even understand simply trying to get pregnant. At least, not in my experience.

So, they say things like "relax and it'll happen" or "you should have kids by now" or "what's taking you so long" or "my mother's cousin's friend tried for years and as soon as they adopted, they were pregnant." Or they offer helpful advice like "oh, you should use those those ovulation predictors" or "you should take a vacation" or "do you elevate your hips after sex?" or "have sex on the 14th day of your cycle."

These are all the words of someone who has never had to try to get pregnant--whether they had an unplanned or planned pregnancy.

(I want to make it VERY clear right here that there is absolutely 100% NO judgement from me on the unplanned pregnancy front. Every baby is a blessing and every baby is put on this earth by God for a purpose. And I have a lot of people in my life who are the results of uplanned pregnancies and I would never wish that any of them were not here.)

Relaxing, even if you are not diagnosed with infertility will not make you pregnant. Elevating hips? A myth. Sex on CD 14--biggest TTC myth on the planet. Adoption? That's an awfully expensive way to ensure pregnancy. Ovulation predictors? One, they don't work for everyone, and two, a positive does not actually ensure ovulation. I should have kids by now? No freaking kidding--want to also pour salt and lemon juice on that open wound? Why is it taking so long? If I could answer that, I'd have a baby by now.

Problem is most of the time when people say these things they either don't know we are trying, don't mean anything by it at all, and/or don't know we are struggling. So, how can I possibly be mad. Hurt, yes. Mad, seems irrational. But, it happens.

My friend (who was pregnant within 2 to 3 months of trying) didn't mean anything by her comment to someone the other day "oh, you must have kids." That twisted the knife a little. Because, you know, someone without kids could never have thought to make a purse that was washable and had removeable pieces for washing. The comment was not directed at me nor did it have anything to do with my struggles nor should I have even given it a second thought. But, I did.

My brother, father through an unplanned pregnancy (see above; this is just for informational purposes), asks if we planned on trying or had been. I simply said we have been. He then continues to joke around having fun practicing and such. Yeah, that went out the window a long time ago.

My grandmother said to me a few months back "Oh, there's no hurry. You have plenty of time." This was on Mother's Day. Bless her heart, I know all she was trying to do was help me not feel bad and not be upset about it. But, I'd already been trying for 7 months and I had already his the point where I'd be 33, at least, by the time a baby was born. Time not so much a nonfactor.

So, back to my question. How to we help people understand? How do we make them see what's going on?

For me, the answer is I don't.

Most of the people in my life know that we are trying. Some may not realize for how long. Many may not realize the effects it is having on me. And that's not really their fault. I'm pretty much the queen of putting on a smile and making it through.

Occasionally I crack. Like the day I'm fairly certain my friend caught whatever emotions were dancing across my face as we sat through a baby shower at work--the same day I had gotten the BFN, which I had told her about.

More often, I don't talk about it. I'm afraid to. Sometimes I want to talk about, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the pity. I've seen it in people's faces. I'm afraid the brushoff because people don't know what to say. I'm afraid they'll stop including me, which is the last thing I want. I'm afraid of being seen as bitter or sad or depressed.

On the flip side, people don't say the right things or they just say nothing at all. Especially when they know I am struggling. I don't think they know what to say. They don't want to offend or upset. Or they don't know what to ask or what the protocol is.

The thing is I don't know what the protocol is.

And so the circle continues. And that is why I don't have the answer to my question.

I know society as a whole should have a better understanding of this subject. But, they don't. And I can honestly say that I don't think all the understanding in the world would make it better.

Like I said before, many of the things that are said or not said are not coming from a bad place. They are not meant to hurt or offend. Often, they are not coming out of lack of full understanding (sometimes they are, but many times not).

People speak to what they know. Using OPKs word for some people. Not thinking about it works for some people. People have kids. They talk about them. Women are or have been pregnant. They talk about it.

All of these things tug at me. But, I can't stop every conversation to tell or remind people that I am not nor have I ever been but I really want to be pregnant.

Do I wish we lived in a world where everybody understood everybody else's feeling? Maybe. But, that's asking a lot. And I absolutely do not wish that every person had to go through what I and so many other couple are going through. Actually, on my more insightful days, I say a prayer that couple I know don't go through it and thank God that most of them haven't.

All I know is that people will continue to say things to me. I can dwell on it or I can move on. I can educate them or I can let them live in a world where these things don't exist. Neither response is wrong. Neither party is wrong.

TTC struggles and infertility are what they are.

They suck, but they are mine.

Cycle 15 and A Sorta New Plan

So, yeah, Cycle 15 sucks.

I thought I was going to be okay, but it keeps sneaking up on me. Last Saturday, I had a maybe 30 minutes of being really sad then I was pretty much done. I moved on to being pissed at myself for thinking earlier in the day that there was any hope for the cycle and for testing early at 9DPO (for the hubby's bday). Then, I just hurt. Horrible, awful, almost doubled over in pain cramping.

Alcohol helped.

But, by Sunday, I really felt okay. I made a resolution to not let myself dwell past Saturday night and I didn't. I got up, I went shopping for some new clothes, I attempted to clean the house. I just had a day. Now, I will admit that the clothes shopping might have been a bit of retail therapy--I've put on quite a bit of weight since TTC after losing quite a bit prior to that and I have had trouble getting off and have just been putting off buying clothes. I think that might have been contributing to how crappy I've been feeling all the time.

The hubby was particularly awesome this time. He was very sympathetic and upset himself. He said he'd "f#!* my brains out," so I'm going to try to take him up on that. He balked at the idea of going EOD (every other day) until ovulation is confirmed, but we're going to try. Luckily, I am off the entire week of Thanksgiving and then he'll be off for four days, so I'm hoping the relaxed, not having to get up at 4:30am every day will help us out in the that department.

So, yeah, we're going to try a few things this time. One being the sex. I have also started taking Evening Primrose Oil. Some research shows that it helps increase fertle CM, which I've been having some issues with. I also purchased PreSeed--a lube that mimics fertile CM. A lot of women I know have gotten pregnant the first month using it. We'll see.

What we are not doing is more testing. Te hubby was finally at a place where if I had pushed more, he'd have done an SA. And I had already resolved to do bloodwork on CD3. But, CD3 was a Monday, which meant calling the doctor and getting it set up for THAT day. Normally not an issue, but work was so crazy last week that I just couldn't do it. So, instead I made the decision to hold off on everything until after the first of the year.

I figure, the end of Cycle 15 will be just before Christmas and I just really don't want to ruin the holidays (and my birthday, 2 days after Christmas) with any possible bad news. We will try these next two cycles to have more and better timed sex, hope for the best, and start "fresh" in January.

Well, there's the plan. Here's to moving on and moving forward.

Well That Stings

I love our friends. Really. But sometimes I really wish they just knew or understood.

Playing poker tonight, someone jokes "hey, your clock should be ticking."

I didn't have it in me to respond or even laugh.

He didn't mean anything by it. And I'm certain he has forgotten that he once knew we are trying.

But ut made me feel broken.

I am of a certain age and it is no secret that I badly want children.

So, yeah, my clock sure as hell is ticking.

And there is nothing I seem to be able to do to stop it.

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Out

Not even an hour after the last post I discovered that once againg my body had been playing a cruel joke on me.

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CD28, 12DPO

Not sure where I'm at today emotionally. And this post is a whole lot of rambling and a whole lot of me just putting my thoughts to "page" so that they will maybe get out of my head.

I've pretty much felt detached from this cycle. I think it's just my mindset that I've been through it all before, so I can't even make myself get hopeful. And I've had a lot going on:  my dad's health and mental state are not in good places and he's in another state, our baby boy (Raspy, our 5-year-old doxie) has been having back issues again--he had surgery for a ruptured disc last year, work is insane, the hubby was not feeling so great about his birthday. So, there are distractions and maybe that's why I haven't been as anxious.

But, here I sit at CD28 and 12DPO. CD28 always pulls at me because I was so set that my cycles were 28 days long for years. And before birth control, I think they probably were that. But, maybe not. Since charting, I have come to realize that I probably wasn't always counting my days correctly and that I might have been off a day or two here and there without realizing. And I certainly learned that I don't always, and in fact rarely, ovulate on CD 14.

But, still, I always wonder about CD28. As a matter of fact, according to Fertility Friend, that is my average. But, I've alway had 29, 30, and 31 day cycles. So, can't REALLY put much stock into the day.

At 12DPO, I'm still a day away from my average and 2 days away from my longest LP. This is the hardest part of the 2ww if you are not an early tester. You start wondering if it would really be too early to test or right on.

And then there are symptoms. I usually have them. A lot of them, really. My boobs are usually killing me right about now. I've usually got some type of cramping going on. And I usually crave carbs. Those are my standards. Nada. I don't really track irritability and emotions because these days, those are a constant at any point in my cycle. Skin breakout is hit or miss, though I have noticed back acne, my head is breaking out really bad, and the back of my neck is breaking out.

Oh, and the temps. They've stayed up. The lowest was still .20 above coverline. But, I don't know how to read them. I have had 4 temps during this 2ww that technically should indicate a fever. But, I'm not sick. I don't feel feverish. If I wasn't temping, I would never guess my temp was that high.

I don't really feel the urge to test. I think I've just been let down so many times that I just don't believe it could actually happen.

But, I sure do hate when my cycles don't go as I expect.

Makes my mind go places.

But, I will wait.

I'm thinking Tuesday.

That will 15DPO. I've never gone that long.

So, yeah, thinking Tuesday will be "D-Day."

Out of The Hubby's Mouth: Baby Tracker

"Hey, baby, a baby tracker!!"

So, the hubby has a knack for saying funny things. Things that make me laugh, make me roll my eyes, make me wonder why I married him, make me thank my lucky stars he married me.

Anyway, I thought it would be fun to share.

Today, while exploring his new phone (the brand new Windows phone--totally cool and I'm completely jealous even though I love my Android phone that is only a few months old), which is his first ever Smart Phone, he was looking through apps. From the other room, he yells the above phrase.

It amuses me when he says something, anything, about babies and babymaking.

As Expected

Big Fat Negative.

I actually hit snooze too many times because I wanted so badly not to test. I knew it would be negative, so I really felt like I would be okay with it and, really, I was. But, the more time that passes (at about 3.5 hours now), the more I am reacting to it.

I'm not upset about the negative. It's really early, so I'm definitely not "out" yet. But, I'm angry at myself for testing. I hate testing early. Hate it, hate it, hate it. And this is why.

I think I hate it so much because I feel stupid. I feel stupid for hoping that maybe there will be some small chance that I am pregnant this time. That maybe, just this once, that I will get the cute story--oh, yeah, found out we are pregnant on the hubby's birthday; how awesome is that?!

But, no, that's not me. That's not my life. That's not how I will get pregnant. At this point, I feel so far removed from it that I can't even picture that moment.

See? Again, this is what happens. I'm way far from "out" of this cycle. I've got up to 4 more days before I'm out. But, because I took that stupid test, I'm all riled up. Convinced I'm out. Ready to just stop.

I really wanted it to be positive today. Really, really, really.

The hubby is feeling like he's not having a good birthday this year. So, I just really thought that maybe this was a sign that this would be it--what bette way to turn his birthday mood around?

::SIGH::

I'll get over it. Probably not today. Hopefully tomorrow.

Plastering on a smile and getting on with my day . . .

The Great Debate: to Pee or Not to Pee

So, there is this great debate in the TTC world about when to POAS (pee on a stick, for future reference).

Do you start testing the first day you could possibly get a positive, usually 10DPO? Or do you wait until your period is actually late, usually 14DPO or later?

I am strictly on the side of waiting it out. Seeing a BFN (big fat negative), for me, is too crushing, even when it is early. And my body does a pretty good job of letting me know that I'm not pregnant each month, even before my period actually starts.

In the beginning, I tested a lot. I can't even think about how much money I wasted testing at various times, even when it was quite obvious my period would be starting any minute.

Then I started charting. And paying closer attention to my body. I know that my temps stay high until around 11DPO or 12DPO. Then they either plummet or slowly begin to drop. I know that my boobs can start to hurt or be a little tender anytime starting at 1DPO. I know that I have random cramping throughout the 2ww (two week wait--time between ovulation and period). I know that I can be irritable. I cry. My skin breaks out. I bloat. I even get gas. To many these are phantom symptoms. After so many months, I came to realize that these are just my PMS symptoms. When they happen every month, almost exactly the same, clearly, they are my normal PMS symptoms.

So, I'm a waiter and watcher. I have only POAS once (well, one cycle; two tests) in probably 8 months. That was Cycle 12, so coming to the year mark, and I was a little anxious. And that was the month my body decided to play tricks on me and actually give me my longest LP and cycle to date.

Now, here I sit and 8DPO. And I'm contemplating POAS this coming Thursday--10DPO.

Why would I break my cardinal rule? It's the hubby's birthday.

I have up on thinking about what finding we are pregnant in a certain month would coincide with. Or when our phantom EDD (estimated delivery date). That stopped being fun after awhile.

But, for some reason, I just feel like doing it this time. Maybe because I feel like we could use something really happy like that right now. And maybe because I really don't think I am, so in the back of my mind, I'm hoping maybe I'm wrong. And because I'm really not feeling this cycle and because it would be early, I just do not feel like I would be disappointed in the slightest if it is a BFN. And I certainly wouldn't tell the hubby unless it is a positive.

So, the great debate is going on in my head right now. I don't know what I'll do. If anything, I will buy one Dollar Tree test and that's it. If negative, no more testing unless I'm late.

Stay tuned . . .

Smile and Nod

"So no niece for me yet? Tell my brother my girls need a playmate! They would love to have a cousin to share all their stuff with! Ps not a joke . . . "

Those words ended what had been a perfectly silly and fun text back-and-forth with my SIL.

It took me 5 minutes to respond.

I responded with a smiley face.

The text version of the "smile and nod."

She certainly didn't mean anything by it at all. She's 21. She's never had to try to have kids.

Comments in that vein are so common when you are a married woman of a certain age. All around you, women are pregnant and having babies. It's naturally assumed that you would want the same.

And, so, people comment.

Don't you want kids? No kids yet? When are you going to have kids? You need to get busy having kids.

Again, these people certainly mean no harm. They aren't trying to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad. And they certainly aren't trying to pry. And they definitely don't want the real answer to these questions.

Trust me, they really don't want me to answer these questions and comments with I would really like to say.

So, I smile and nod.

Or laugh it off.

Or give some flip answer.

Because I don't know how else to respond.

But that gets hard after awhile. You want to shake people and say "don't you get that, yes, I want kids, and no I definitely don't have them yet but thanks for that reminder, I'll have them when my body and God decide it's time, and I've 'getting busy' for a long damn time now."

That's what I want to say.

But people don't want to hear that. Even the people I am close to. Especially the people who don't understand my position. I wouldn't wish this part of the TTC process on anyone, so I'm happy that most of the people in my life are blissfully unaware and can kid about getting pregnant.

So, I smile and nod.

The Facebook Connection

This morning, a friend sent me an article from The Washington Post.

It's funny because I had already planned to write a little about how dealing with definitely not infertile friends while you are struggling. Facebook is a huge part of that.

I would say almost every day, often many times a day, there is something on Facebook that makes me sad or a little resentful or wistful. Or just plain reminds me.

These are odd feelings to have and really hard to describe.

When it is a good friend  or family posting baby pictures or a cute/funny story, I'm good. I might have a second of "I can't wait for that" or "I wish I was at that place." But, mostly I'm good to comment on how cute the kiddos are or how funny the story is. Or tell a good friend that despite what she might be feeling as a new mommy, she's a good one.

When above said friend was in labor, I stayed on Facebook all day waiting for updates from her husband.

Am I wistful for it to be me? Absolutely. Am I a little jealous that she's getting this experience and I'm not yet. Absolutely. But, I love my friend and am so incredibly happy for her and thrilled to watch her turn into this amazing mommy.

Then there are the people I am friends with but don't necessarily know. You know, the people who you went to high school or college with and knew, but haven't had contact with in years. Those are the ones that start getting to be a bit much.

I'll admit to hiding one person recently when she started posting about being in the hospital in labor. I didn't need a play-by-play there. Said person had also managed to complain on Facebook quite a little bit during her pregnancy. That I couldn't handle. Sorry. Not when I would give anything to be in that place. So, just for that day, I didn't need to see that everytime I logged on.

The next day, I went to her page and posted a comment on how pretty her baby is. Just so you don't think I'm a monster. Ha.

And I'll admit a twinge today when another friend from high school posted about a sonogram his wife had. This is their third. I don't recall seeing that she was pregnant. Soon, Ashley, soon.

It's just hard some days to look on there and see that I am one of only a few friends from high school, college, even elementary school who doesn't have kids yet. I feel like a failure. I feel like they have to be wondering why I don't have kids. Yes, I occasionally am so self-absorbed that I actually think people who barely know me think that. Seriously. I give myself an eye-roll for that.

The Washington Post article starts out with Facebook posts that bug me the most. The "if you love your daughter/son post this" or "if you've given birth, post this." Those irk the living crap out of me. Makes me feel about 2" tall. I know that is not their intent, but they do. Maybe it's the people who post them, I don't know. But, they make me feel like crap.

So, while I will fully admit to the not-so-nice feelings I have about friends, babies, and Facebook, one thing I will also scream from the rooftops is that I don't care that people post these things.

I would never stop going to Facebook because of these posts or put down people who post sonogram pictures or baby bumps or update every status with a pregnancy or baby update. You know what? It's their life at that moment. And I will just go ahead and say right now, it will be my life when it happens for me and I will post sonogram pictures and baby bumps and pregnancy updates.

I might be a little more sensitive about what I post or how often simply because of what I've been through. But, the key words there are "because of what I've been through." My experiences have and will continue to shape how I view things, but these other people haven't experienced them, so I cannot possibly fault them for this.

So, I will continue to block when necessary and will have no problem if I ever get blocked. I will continue to comment on all the cute babies--because, really, they are; I've very lucky that all my friends and family have such cute kiddos--and funny stories.

And when my time comes, watch out!

Rough day in TTC land

The hubby and I have been having a discussion about our TTC journey and I have come to the realization that I have been doing a lot of things wrong, possibly to the detrement of our relationship.

When we first decided to start trying, I was ready, jumping in with both feet. The hubby had gotten to a place where he definitely wanted children, but in general, he has a more relaxed attitude about life--something I really admire and wish I could emulate more! 

In the beginning so as to get him used to the idea of trying, I simply went off the pill and we just had sex about when I thought we should--and, of course, other times too. I still got really upset each month when I wasn't pregnant, but I was still okay with it all. Even when I started using OPKs, I didn't let it stress me out; it was just a cool new element. I will fully admit to getting upset if the hubby wasn't in "the mood" when I was, which I know now--after lengthy discussion--was completely wrong of me. I'm sure I knew it at the time too.

I was putting on the pressure whether I realized it or not. It's the downfall of being a woman. Hormones rage and emotions run high. I felt like we weren't on the same page and he felt like I only wanted him to have a baby.

Neither of these things could be further from the truth.

I thought it got better when I started charting and when I started posting on The Bump, but I think even that started consuming me. Of course, that also coincided with the 6 month mark, which was really hard for me. Even though I had said I was afraid it could take me awhile to get pregnant, in the back of my mind,I really never thought it would take that long. And then once we hit a year, yeah, that was bad.

But, I really felt that after I had talked to the doctor and had the HSG test that I had sort of hit a stride. I felt like I was feeling differently. Not resigned to not having kids, but had made peace with the fact that it wasn't happening, so I was just going to keep at it and eventually it would.

I don't think that translated well to the hubby.

And I don't know that we've talked enough. He tends to hold those things in to protect me and maybe himself. I'm VERY outwardly emotional and could talk an ear off.

I've sort of come to a place of rambling here. Bottom line is we are on the same page. We both want kids and we are continuing on this journey, just maybe in a little different way for awhile.

CD15 Check-in

So, I think I meant to do some check-in at some point, just see where I am with the cycle, how I'm feeling. I guess smack-dab in the middle is a good place to start.

Or, I guess I'm smack dab in the middle. I have no idea what the heck is going on with my body right now.

Stats:
CD1: 10/17, extremely heavy bleeding, clots, and heavy cramping
CD2: still very heavy bleeding, clots, cramping, starting to feel slightly lightheaded and dizzy
CD3: moderate bleeding slowed to light by end of day, still cramping
At this point, by far the worst period I've had since the first one off birth control. The past 5 or 6 have been really light, barely even a heavy day.
For reasons known only to my subconscience, I chose not to drink green tea or pomegranate juice this cycle even though I bought both. Also considered buying PreSeed since my EWCM supply has been low as of late, but I didn't do that either.
CD5: Unusually high temp that could have been caused by two glassed of wine the previous night; Fertility Friend not giving me an open circle, though, which is weird.
CD7: Watery CM starts, right on time, with some spotting still. Temp. up quite a bit from previous day, again possibly due to wine the previous evening (still no open circle on FF).
CD9: Oddly low temp., possibly due to not sleeping well and not feeling well, thought that usually causes my temp to be up. Marked sleep deprived, got open circle.
CD12: Good EWCM, first good sighting in months.
CD13: Positive OPKs both morning and evening. Odd to get a positive on morning of CD13. Still a small amount of EWCM, only found internally.
CD14: Temp. up higher than expected, once again possibly due to two glasses of wine (still no open circle). Slight positive OPK in the morning, but not convicing. Definite negative in the evening. Still a tad bit of EWCM, only found internally. Really expected to ovulate on this day, so finding temp odd.
CD15: Temp. back down, but not the drop I'd usually expect for O day. EWCM possible, looks creamy, but still has decent stretch.

So, I'm a bit confuzzled by my body right now. It's not odd for me to O on CD 15 through 18, but the fact that I've started getting negative OPKs and that my temps do not match any previous patterns has me wondering what the heck the deal is. Did I O and miss it due to the alcohol consumption? Have I not O'd yet and the OPKs were just off a little? Though, with a positive on Saturday morning (CD14), there is a possibility that it could be today.

Our timing has been pretty decent, I think. We were getting into the every other day groove, but missed Saturday due to a lot of circumstances.

I have a motto of try not to overanalyze, which I realize I"m sort of doing. But, I just find it interesting when things are different. And this cycle has not been like any other one I've had, so I just felt like putting it in writing so I could look back at it later.

Hopefully tomorrow will bring some clarity. I have one OPK left in the house. I didn't use it today after getting the negative yesterday evening, but I think I'll use it in the morning or maybe this evening just to see what happens.

As we say, only time will tell.

The Other Sisterhood

I'm sort of borrowing some terminology from one of my mommy friends. She's a new mommy (cutie-pie Sam is 6 months old) and has been discovering the wonderfulness of the Mommy Sisterhood as she calls it. That instant connection with other mommies anywhere and everywhere.

Of course, that is something I would kill to share, but it's not my time yet.

But, I've joined another sisterhood. It's about as different but connected to the Mommy Sisterhood as can possibly be.

I'm a member of the TTC or TTGP Sister and, technically, since it has been over a year, the Infertility Sisterhood (though that is one title I'm still reluctant to hold). And I have to say this is a very speical sisterhood.

We are women from all walks of life, all ages, all backgrounds, all across the country and world.

Some of them are women I know in my own life--my mom, my aunt.
I hear of others--friend of a friend, news stories, celebs.
I feel an instant connection with any woman I even hear about having tried for any significant amount of time.

But there is a certain group of women who right now hold a huge space in my heart. Of all places, I have "met" these women on a message board. It seems absolutely crazy to think that a group of complete strangers have almost become some of my best friends when I haven't even met them, spoken to them, and, in many cases, I don't even know their real names

But, we share this experience. This experience that is unique to only the other women who have been through. It doesn't include every woman who has ever wanted to be pregnant or tried because many of these women get pregnant in a timely fashion and move on to the next stage.

No, the women I have met on my message board have been trying and or struggling for some time. We've watched women in our real lives get pregnant during the time we've been trying. We've seen women come and go from our own message board community.

And, though we're left behind, it's brought us together. I can honestly say that I love some of these women to pieces. They were such an incredible source of strength and love when I went through the horrible end of my 12th cycle--the last cycle before starting testing when I really thought it could be it. They have been so encouraging--even if one of them keeps telling me to get off the board (but, that's why I love my girl Saucy). We can talk about talk about things away from the board that we'd never say to the group as a whole.

Some days it's so hard to find any positives (pun absolutely intended) to this situation we find ourselves in, but then I see a "<3 you" or an email or post encouraging us to compliment each other and my day is instanly improved.

So, while this is a Sisterhood I never wanted to be a part of and I hope we all move on from where we are very soon, I am so unspeakably grateful for these beautiful, sweet, thoughtful, witty women who I am very proud to call my friends.

Because I know many of you are reading, I love you all for being you and pray for each of you every day. Thank you for being you!

Frustrations

I'm frustrated right now and rather than put it out there on the TTGP message board where it might "start something," I'm just going to vent here.

Every now and again, someone on the board comes along asking about when to see a doctor for testing see if they have something wrong that is preventing them from becoming pregnant. Sometimes the concern is age--over 30 but still under 35. Other times, it is concern that they are not pregnant after a certain number of months, always less than a year.

Among the valuable bits of information that I have learned in my 14-month journey are that it can take a healthy couple with no known fertility issues up to one to become pregnant and that there is only a 20%--yep, that's right 20-freakin'-%!!!--chance of getting pregnant each cycle. How do you like those statistics? Makes you wonder how anybody ever gets pregnant, let alone all the unplanned pregnancies--seriously, every woman who ever discovers an unplanned pregnancy should immediately go out and buy a lottery ticket because that is some luck!

Because of the above stated statistics, the basic rule of thumb is for a couple to try for one year, however they choose (charting, OPKs, winging it) before consulting a doctor for testing because at this point the couple has reached infertility because they have not gotten pregnant within the "normal" time frame.

Another arm of this is that insurance companies, based on those medical facts, usually will not approve fertility testing before the year because prior to that, it is deemed medically unnecessary.

All of these things were in my mind as I struggled through that first year of trying. It sucked. Every month. I wondered. Every month. But, I kept telling myself not to invite trouble.

One of the lovely ladies on the board once coined the phrase "Impatience is not a fertility issue." (Or something to that effect.) Did I want to know if something as wrong with us (well, I still want to know, as thus far, we've found nothing)? Sure. But, did I want there to be a reason why we weren't pregnant yet? Hell no.

I still hope there is nothing wrong, which is why I'm still dragging my feet and not rushing through testing. And trust me, I'm just as impatient as the next person.

But, I feel like the earlier we try to do testing and concern ourselves with the science (beyond charting because that is science I am definitley behind) of making babies, the earlier we lose the magic of it.

I still want the magic. I still want to feel that excitement when I see two lines or the word "pregnant" without "not" in front of it. I worry now that when it does happen, my reaction might be "well, it's about damn time." I know it won't be, but I still think that.

Just like any other woman who has been trying for any length of time, I hate the hearing "oh, relax and it'll happen" often followed by "you're trying to hard" or "you want it too much."

But, there is actually a little something to be said for that. The first six months of trying should be fun. The disappoinment when your period comes or you see another negative test is real and devastating. But, during those first six months, you should also still be excited to be going through the process--talking with friend who are pregnant and waiting to be where they are in a few months, smiling at cute babies all around, and thinking about what "special occasion" will be coinciding with your possible positive test and/or your phantom due date. Don't take all the fun out of it so soon.

After 6 months, sure, start to wonder. But, keep your head on straight. I cannot tell you how many 10, 11, and 12 month pregnancies I've seen.

I've waited my year. I've lost some of my magic. But, I still have all my hope and hopefully both a baby and answers sometime soon.

"I'll give you $50 if you stop crying"

Poor hubby.

Wife's emotions have gotten so crazy, he's resorted to offering money for it to stop.

Just having a sad day.

Found out earlier this week that a friend of a friend is pregnant with her second. Just looking at the two pregnant girls in the office about killed me today. Top that with the boss saying we should let the pregnant people go first in line for desserts. A little while later, a co-worker was looking on Facebook and found where former co-worker and his wife just had twins (really happy to see this; co-worker went through testicular cancer about 6/7 years ago, so these babies are real blessings). Right after that, I was standing at a friend's desk when she got an email--with picture attached--that a college friend had literally just given birth.

Oh, and then there was the hubby sending me pictures of himself playing with our nieces and nephew this afternoon. Then, after he left, going on about how great it was to hold the babies and how now he smelled like sour milk and it was great.

My heart just hurts today.
It aches.
I feel low and sad.
Hopeless.

Geez, am I a Debbie Downer, or what?

The Club

So, in the past year plus that I've been trying, I've had a LOT of pregnant people and new mommies in my life. A lot. A lot a lot a lot.

I think I handle it all pretty well. I can listen to them talk pregnancy, even have my own things to say about it. I can hear birth stories. I can talk babies. I can hold and love on babies. I can see picture after picture. All with a smile--a genuine one.

I would be absolutely lying if I said I wasn't also wistful and jealous that they have this thing (by thing I mean motherhood) that I want so badly. But, beyond that, most days, these things do not phase me (I can't say I don't have my days, like when my PMS hormones are raging).

I also am not usually bothered by watching TV shows or movies on the subject. The hubby thinks it bothers me, but I still love Knocked Up and Juno and Nine Months.

I love to hear updates from my TTGP gals who have graduated and now sharing their experiences with the rest of us waiting to get pregnant.

But some day, in ways I would never expect, something hits me.

Today, I decided to watch this new talk show called "The Talk." It's sort of "The View" lite. From what I can tell, no hard hitting subject. Panel of 5 women. Since I'm working from home today, I decided to check it out. Plus, I heard Melissa Rycroft from "The Bachelor" and "Dancing with the Stars" was going to be on to reveal the sex of her baby.

Now, that right there should have been reason enough for me to not watch. But, like I said, these things don't bother me. Despite my sometimes bitter feelings, I still love this stuff and can't wait for it myself, so it excites me. What I wasn't expecting, though, was baby/pregnancy overload.

The 5 women each described finding out they were pregnant the first time--including a video of one of the women (actress Leah Remini, who apparently had been filming a reality show). They described what it felt like to find out they were pregnant--all the emotions from elation to terror. Then they described labor and delivery.

It was just a whole on-slaught.

And next thing I know, tears are running down my face. Not in anger or jealousy. It was just one more reminder of the things I can't share with so many other women. I can be prepared for pregnancy and birth and motherhood all day long. I can read and research. And I can hope and think and dream.

But I don't know what it FEELS like. I don't know what it's like to see that second pink line or the word "pregnant" instead of the  two most awful words to ever read. I don't know what it is like to tell my husband that he's going to be a daddy. Or my mom she's going to be a grandma. I don't know what it is like to feel a baby move inside me or hear my baby's heartbeat.

And I don't know that love that ONLY a mother feels for her new baby.

So, now I'm just sad. And it's nobody's fault. Not even my own for not turning it off. Because, like I've said before, pregnancy is a part of life. It's everywhere and that's okay. I can't hide from it and I don't want to.

I just want to join the club!

And Moving On.

And moving on we are. To Cycle 14. Again I had hope for Cycle 13. Hope that the HSG test might to do the trick (even though that was not a given in any way). Hope that the "threat" of more testing would make my body cooperate--hey, it works for computers.

But, I never really "felt" it this time, so while I was upset and disappointed, I was surprised.

What has surprised me is what I've been dealing with the last few days.

Fair warning for anyone actually reading. I'm about to get graphic and go the route of way TMI. But, since this blog is for me for both letting it out and for the sake of keeping records, I'm not going to tiptoe around it all. If you don't want to read, don't read.

I've had a very heavy period for the past few days. Heavy enough and different enough that I started to get concerned. Very heavy and lots of clotting. I know this is normal for some women. This is NOT normal for ME. It was actually making me a bit lightheaded and dizzy. I was also having more and different cramping than usual.

I asked around and could't get definitive answers, but I believe this was caused by the HSG test I had done earlier in the cycle. I'm thinking things got "knocked loose" in there maybe and caused the change. Thankfully, the flow has lightened up, but it was starting to freak me out a little bit.

So, here I am at Cycle 14. I was going to request bloodwork done this cycle, but I didn't get to call the doctor and for personal reasons, I've decided to wait out this cycle. But, I WILL be getting it done next cycle. I am, however, going to have the hubby do the SA. It is an easy, painless procedure for him and a quick way to get some answers on that end.

And so the ride begins again.

Catching Up: Part 2, Charting

Time to finish catching up because I'm sure more will follow soon.

When last we left, I had spent the first 6 months "winging it" with some help from ovulation kits.

The next 6 months were great and awful all at the same time.

Charting gave me such relief. It was so great to know what was going on with my body instead of just playing a guessing game. I could see not only that I was ovulating, but when. I knew when my period was coming instead of taking test after to test and seeing negatives or wondering constantly if there was still a chance. It was great.

And it was horrible. All the knowledge in the world doesn't make up for month after month of failed trying.

And as I got closer to the year mark, it got worse. Cycle 11, month 11, was the worst. It was ominous. It was too close to the place I didn't want to be. As Cycle 11 ended, I went ahead and talked to my doctor about testing, but then decided to wait out Cycle 12.

I really held out hope. How many times had seen Cycle 12 pregnancies on the TTC message board I post on?

Cycle 12 really played with my head. We had good timing. Then I managed to go the distance between ovulation and my period starting (luteal phase). I go anywhere from 11 days to 14. I went the full 14. And I the earliest day I should have tested was on my mom's birthday. Of course, I did go ahead and test at 12DPO and 13DPO because my temperature was not really dropping (indication that it's "over"). Stupid, stupid, stupid.

And Cycle 12 was over. The next day, I called the doctor to get the ball rolling and was schedule for an HSG test on Cycle Day 8. I'm not going to go into details about this test. Let's just say it was not the most pleasant thing I've ever had done. Basically, though, the test looks for blockages in the uterus and fallopian tubes. Mine were all clear, which is a good thing.

At that point, my doctor said she wanted to wait out a few cycles as some women get pregnant after the HSG test--it can sort of "clean out the cobwebs." I was not and still am not completely happy with the decision for no further testing at this time. We have not even done bloodwork.

But, we do still need to get the hubby in for a sperm anaylsis--SA. My doctor has already written the orders and given instructions, but we've got to deal with his insurance, which is more difficult that mine.

I'm going to stop this update with that--testing done during Cycle 13.

"I'm the only one without kids."

No, that didn't come from me. That came from the hubby.

And it breaks my heart. Every damn time.

We went to a get-together today with some the hubby's friends from childhood--these guys literally grew up together. All in their late 30s now. All of them with kiddos, mostly 10 and under. Many of the kiddos were there, including our super cute god-daughter. And others were shown in pictures by their proud daddies.

It was the pictures that got the comments out of the hubby.

I can't blame him for saying. But it wasn't exactly a great thing to hear sitting here on CD1 of Cycle 14. I already felt like cow from the bloating. And then there is the lovely skin breakouts going on all over the face. Topped by the fact that I felt there were knives being stabbed into my uterus from all the awesome cramping. And I felt like throwing up.

That's starting to be the harder part of trying. The longer we try, the more invested the hubby gets. At first he was on board with trying, but in a oh-great-it'll-happen-one-day kind of way. Now, he gets so hopeful everytime. He still tries to say it's no big deal, but he's all about positive thinking, so he looks at all symptoms as meaning that surely I'm pregnant.

And then I have to tell him that I know for sure I'm not. We've failed yet again.

And then we have to spend a weekend seeing our nieces and nephew (3 and under) and our god-daughter and the kids of other friends.

And we're reminded again and again that it's not us.

At least we didn't get asked about kids. I'm not sure how we got out of that, but I'm really glad. I don't know that I could have handled it today. Just not today. (Secretly, I wonder if I didn't look pregnant or if people weren't wondering. When I'm that bloated, I actually do look  like I have a baby bump and couple that with the fact that I wore an empire waisted top. And I'm sure I looked sick because I felt it. But, I'm also sure people don't pay that much attention to me.)

But, yes, hubby, you are about the only one without kids. I'm sorry.

It'll be our turn soon. And you're going to be the best, most doting daddy around.

This.Day.Sucks.

Same as the 13 just like it that came before.

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Did I Really Stomp My Feet?

Why, yes, I most certainly did. I also clenched my fists and made swinging motions.

What's next? A full on kicking, fist-pounding, screaming tantrum?

Apparently, a temp. drop at 11DPO turns me into a temper-tantrum-having-life-is-so-unfair-5-year-old.

I'm not out of the game yet, but a temp drop at this time doesn't help the confidence level. I know my lovely, supportive TTGP ladies would tell me it could be an implantation dip and that I should lose hope. But, at this point, I just don't have the great hope to begin with.

But, always in the corner of mind, way back there is something. Maybe because my boobs hurt so bad I would like to rip them off right now. Seriously. I fell asleep on my stomach last night. The hubby woke me up when he came to be a couple hours later and when I rolled over, it took me awhile to fall back asleep they hurt so bad.

And yesterday, for a couple of days actually, weird cramping. I hate weird cramping. Makes you think things.

Sticking to my resolved. No testing. Just waiting.

And maybe a tantrum. Wouldn't that be fun?

Stupid TV Shows

Before I go any further, if you have not seen the 10/14 episode of "Grey's Anatomy" read no further. You've been warned.

I need to preface this with two things.

First, I love "Grey's Anatomy." I've loved "Grey's" when it wasn't so loveable. It's one of the shows I look forward to most all week long.

Second, I am very well aware that medical dramas are very rarely medically accurate. I've been watching medical shows for a long time, so I've seen it all.

That being said, a storyline on Grey's tonight really annoyed the crap out of me.

In the season finale last May, we found out that Meredith was pregnant and then, in the midst of the shooting rampage at the hospital, she had a miscarriage. It was incredibly sad and heartbreaking. This season, she has been dealing with that, including finally telling her husband that it happened (long story that I'm not going to explain). They agreed they wanted to continue trying.

Jump to tonight's episode when suddenly they are meeting with her OB to discuss what might be going with their TTC process. OB comes in and tells them (though we don't see this; we just hear about it in a conversation between Meredith and Derek) that Meredith has a hostile uterus.

So, first, I don't expect shows to show us every little detail of what goes on in the characters' lives. We're just supposed to assume certain things happened. But, they are in this doctor's office sitting there like all that's been done for the doctor to conclude this about Meredith's uterus is maybe some blood tests. I haven't gotten too far into my testing process, but I'm betting that some slightly more invasive procedures would be involved.

The reason this doesn't fall into the "things that just happen off-screen" reasoning for me is other conversations that were had. On this one day, people notice that and are talking about the fact that she had an appointment on that day. I've had one slightly invasive, uncomfortable (putting it mildly) procedure and I took half a day off work AND people close to me knew.

Next, is the simple fact that she went to an OB. Now, a lof of women start out testing with their OB, me included. But, given the fact that she had already had a miscarriage AND the fact that they are doctors, I don't buy that they wouldn't have gone to an RE (reproductive endochronologist).

Last, at the very end, Meredith and Derek are discussing steps going forward. He says they'll just "try." They'll not worry about tests and blood and just have lots of sex.

I cannot even describe how frustrating that is to hear. First of all, despite the miscarriage, I find it incredibly ridiculous that they were even doing testing to begin with. It's not like it was odd that she had the miscarriage given the awful circumstances she had just been through, so no big mystery to figure out there. Second, they were not even trying when she got pregnant and they haven't been trying more than a few weeks now. And I'm fairly certain the character is not meant to be over 35. So, why in the hell are they even testing anything? The rest of us wait 6 months or a year when there are no known issues or reasons for concern. Why can't she?

But, the worst is the "just have lots of sex." So, putting aside my issues with her having been tested, she was and she found out something could be wrong. But, Derek just decides that "having lots of sex" and "not worrying" will get them pregnant. That is pretty much a slap in the face to anyone who has been trying to just have lots of sex and/or has been diagnosed with some type of fertility issues. Having lots of sex and just seeing what happens won't change the situation.

Look, I know it's a fictional show, but it pisses me off when people are in a position to put information out there and they put out crappy information. The vast majority of the public is pretty clueless about infertility and the general struggles of couples who do not get pregnant right away. And it is because nobody wants to talk about it or tell real stories.

And what's really going to piss me off is that by the end of the season, Meredith will probably be pregnant just by "having lots of sex." And so the cycle of bad information with continue.

No "Babies Everywhere"

Ask anyone who has ever TTC--for one month or 12--and they will tell you they see babies everywhere. The store, on TV, in your own family, on Facebook. And if it is not babies, it's a baby bump--that's right, the pregnant woman. The woman you long to be. Or a mommy. Again, the woman you long to be. Heck, even the hubby has taken to noticing babies everywhere and pointing them out to me.

Sometimes, it's hell. Sometimes, it's almost amusing. Is the universe messing with you?

Well, no, it's not. It's life. There have always been pregnant women everywhere. But, it's like when you buy a new car. You never saw that car on the road before, but now that you have one, they're everywhere.

Seeing babies or pregnant women doesn't upset me. It doesn't make me angry. It makes me wistful. It makes me frustrated that I'm not there.

But, no matter it makes me feel, it sucks because it is a feeling I don't want to have. I would give nothing more than to go through the day without that constant want for a child. Without being reminded every second of every day of the one thing I don't have. That would be a good day.

I actually had that today and it was amazing.

The hubby and I played hooky from work and went to the State Fair of Texas. Honestly, I was a little concerned that all the above mentioned "feelings" would be present. Especially given that I am days away from either being pregnant or not--again. And since I'm leaning toward the not, I was prepared to be pissy.

But, I totally wasn't.

Since it is way on the other side of the Metroplex from where we live, which means lots of traffic that would only cause us to get angry, we took the train and then the tram to the fair. On the ride there, a family got on with a cutie pie little boy in a stroller. Honestly, I only barely noticed until the hubby pointed him out.

And there were kids and babies and strollers and stuff for kids all over the fair. I barely saw any of it.

Babies were not everywhere today.

Maybe it was just being "away" from my everyday life. Or just being with the hubby and having fun. But, I realized when I got home that aside from some cramping and the fact that my boobs are killing me, I didn't think about babies, or being pregnant, or trying to conceive, or any of it all day.

It was a good day.

The Bright Side

So, the hubby discovered this blog today. It's not a secret blog. I don't have it set to private. I just sort of put it out there. If it gets read, great. If not, it's more just for me.

The hubby were certainly not upset by the blog, but he did say it depressed him. I guess the majority of the posts have come from a negative, bitter place. That's what happens when you start a blog about trying to get pregnant a year into the process. The fun, exciting, full of anticipation faze has passed. You stop feeling optimistic each cycle and just assume it's going to be a bust. You are just tried as hell of trying. Some days you almost feel like you once your finally do get pregnant, your reaction will be "thank God! Finally!" instead of joy and excitement.

But, occassionally, you still have those thoughts. It's still fun as hell to try. Let's face it, you get to have sex and that's always fun. You get to come off birth control, which for me meant the return of the libido--it also meant a crapload of not-so-fun hormones, but we're focusing on the positive!

It's also fun to anticipate finding out you are pregnant. You start looking at dates you might find out and what that would correspond with. Or what your EDD (estimated delivery date) would be and what that would correspond with. And, trust me, after a full year of trying, I've run through every date possible.

I've had EDD around my birthday, the hubby's birthday, my mom's birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas.

I've had myself finding out around my birthday, around Father's Day.

In September of this year, I actually started my period on my mom's birthday, but I also could have found out on her birthday--how cool would that have been?

This current cycle? I should know one way or the other just days before our anniversary. That would also put me being able to tell family around Christmas--if I could even wait that long.

Now, after a year of trying, you don't quite let yourself dwell on these things because hope is just barely there. But, right now, I'll admit it's there in a corner of my mind, especially with our anniversary coming up.

So, it's not all doom and gloom. There ARE fun things, even if I forget sometimes.

I Want to Be that Family

The hubby and I had lunch a burger place today. It was jumping.

When we were done eating, I went to refill our drinks while the hubby ran to the restroom. On the way out, I noticed a gorgeous baby girl in a stoller at a table with her daddy--the table the hubby and I had vacated minutes earlier.

The other night, I was at Subway picking up dinner when a mom and dad came in with their three girls. Super nice family, cute girls not afraid to talk.

Those are those are the moments that kill me the most sometimes. I want to us to be that family in the grocery store or at the park or grabbing lunch. I want to do all these things we do every day with our child(ren).

Don't misunderstand. I love every moment of my the time the hubby and I spend together just us. And I will want to continue those 'just us' moments after baby. But, I want to do many of those moments as a family.

Here Comes the Scary Part of the Ride

In keeping with the roller coaster metaphor, you know that part of the ride with all the twists and turns, ups and downs, curly-Qs, etc.? It last maybe 30 seconds to a minute in the middle of the ride. You go and go and go, catching your breath for brief seconds in between the fun stuff.

When TTC, that part is known as the two week wait. And this is where that slow motion part comes in. I think by naming it the two week wait, you get what I mean.

From the second you find out you've ovulated--we need a break here to give some basics. I chart, which means every morning I wake up a 4:00am, stick a basal body thermometer in my mouth, and record my resting body temperature. Once plugged into a chart, a shift can be seen in my temps indicating that I did ovulate. There is more to it, but some of it is graphic, so that's all we'll go into. If anybody actually reads this and wants to see my chart, it is linked on the bottom of the page.

So, here we go. From the second you find out you've ovulated, usually about 3 days post, every minute, hour, day, week goes by soooo sloooowwww. Yet, it's filled with all kinds of crazy emotions.

How was our timing? Should I even have hope? There is just no way it's happening this cycle! Its totally this cycle! Why a I crying over a sports story (true story; happened this morning)? What is that twinge in my abdomen? I don't feel anything different, what does that mean? OUCH--my boobs hurt.

All of these things go on in this two week spann. Often in the same 5-minute span. Usually more than once a day.

Today I offically start my two week wait in this my 13th cycle of trying. I have been bitterly disappointed 12 times in the last year. Right now, my state of mind is that I will be bitterly disappointed for a 13th time. But, check with me tomorrow--hell, check with me in an hour--and I'm sure I'll feel differently.