What Is the Answer?

No, not to that question.

I know there is no secret answer to how to get pregnant. Trust me, I'd have found it by now.

The question: how do we make people understand? Correction. How do we help people understand?

That one may be just as hard to answer.

People do not understand infertility. Actually, many people don't even understand simply trying to get pregnant. At least, not in my experience.

So, they say things like "relax and it'll happen" or "you should have kids by now" or "what's taking you so long" or "my mother's cousin's friend tried for years and as soon as they adopted, they were pregnant." Or they offer helpful advice like "oh, you should use those those ovulation predictors" or "you should take a vacation" or "do you elevate your hips after sex?" or "have sex on the 14th day of your cycle."

These are all the words of someone who has never had to try to get pregnant--whether they had an unplanned or planned pregnancy.

(I want to make it VERY clear right here that there is absolutely 100% NO judgement from me on the unplanned pregnancy front. Every baby is a blessing and every baby is put on this earth by God for a purpose. And I have a lot of people in my life who are the results of uplanned pregnancies and I would never wish that any of them were not here.)

Relaxing, even if you are not diagnosed with infertility will not make you pregnant. Elevating hips? A myth. Sex on CD 14--biggest TTC myth on the planet. Adoption? That's an awfully expensive way to ensure pregnancy. Ovulation predictors? One, they don't work for everyone, and two, a positive does not actually ensure ovulation. I should have kids by now? No freaking kidding--want to also pour salt and lemon juice on that open wound? Why is it taking so long? If I could answer that, I'd have a baby by now.

Problem is most of the time when people say these things they either don't know we are trying, don't mean anything by it at all, and/or don't know we are struggling. So, how can I possibly be mad. Hurt, yes. Mad, seems irrational. But, it happens.

My friend (who was pregnant within 2 to 3 months of trying) didn't mean anything by her comment to someone the other day "oh, you must have kids." That twisted the knife a little. Because, you know, someone without kids could never have thought to make a purse that was washable and had removeable pieces for washing. The comment was not directed at me nor did it have anything to do with my struggles nor should I have even given it a second thought. But, I did.

My brother, father through an unplanned pregnancy (see above; this is just for informational purposes), asks if we planned on trying or had been. I simply said we have been. He then continues to joke around having fun practicing and such. Yeah, that went out the window a long time ago.

My grandmother said to me a few months back "Oh, there's no hurry. You have plenty of time." This was on Mother's Day. Bless her heart, I know all she was trying to do was help me not feel bad and not be upset about it. But, I'd already been trying for 7 months and I had already his the point where I'd be 33, at least, by the time a baby was born. Time not so much a nonfactor.

So, back to my question. How to we help people understand? How do we make them see what's going on?

For me, the answer is I don't.

Most of the people in my life know that we are trying. Some may not realize for how long. Many may not realize the effects it is having on me. And that's not really their fault. I'm pretty much the queen of putting on a smile and making it through.

Occasionally I crack. Like the day I'm fairly certain my friend caught whatever emotions were dancing across my face as we sat through a baby shower at work--the same day I had gotten the BFN, which I had told her about.

More often, I don't talk about it. I'm afraid to. Sometimes I want to talk about, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the pity. I've seen it in people's faces. I'm afraid the brushoff because people don't know what to say. I'm afraid they'll stop including me, which is the last thing I want. I'm afraid of being seen as bitter or sad or depressed.

On the flip side, people don't say the right things or they just say nothing at all. Especially when they know I am struggling. I don't think they know what to say. They don't want to offend or upset. Or they don't know what to ask or what the protocol is.

The thing is I don't know what the protocol is.

And so the circle continues. And that is why I don't have the answer to my question.

I know society as a whole should have a better understanding of this subject. But, they don't. And I can honestly say that I don't think all the understanding in the world would make it better.

Like I said before, many of the things that are said or not said are not coming from a bad place. They are not meant to hurt or offend. Often, they are not coming out of lack of full understanding (sometimes they are, but many times not).

People speak to what they know. Using OPKs word for some people. Not thinking about it works for some people. People have kids. They talk about them. Women are or have been pregnant. They talk about it.

All of these things tug at me. But, I can't stop every conversation to tell or remind people that I am not nor have I ever been but I really want to be pregnant.

Do I wish we lived in a world where everybody understood everybody else's feeling? Maybe. But, that's asking a lot. And I absolutely do not wish that every person had to go through what I and so many other couple are going through. Actually, on my more insightful days, I say a prayer that couple I know don't go through it and thank God that most of them haven't.

All I know is that people will continue to say things to me. I can dwell on it or I can move on. I can educate them or I can let them live in a world where these things don't exist. Neither response is wrong. Neither party is wrong.

TTC struggles and infertility are what they are.

They suck, but they are mine.