I feel horrible.
I need to admit something here that I have only admitted to one person. I have been "preparing" myself to make happy faces for a pregnancy announcement.
As Thanksgiving draws closer and I still am not pregnant, I have been very afraid of my cousin, who started trying in May-ish, announcing her pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I will genuinely be happy but as anyone who has struggled knows, there are still mixed emotions.
So, I've been preparing myself for a couple if weeks now so that when it happens, I will react appropriately.
Today, I feel like crap. I told my mom what I've been doing. And she told me my cousin had been having problems. We don't know any details past she's had to be put on birth control to regulate things.
How selfish am I? Here I have been just assuming she'd get pregnant right away. And all I could think about is how I would react.
Th other thing that sucks is I had just reached a point where I was thinking how cool it would be for us to be pregnant and have babies together. I have been thinking that maybe it would bring us closer and how much the family would love it.
Now, I find out we have this other bond and it is one I don't want to have. Despite what you might think based on what I've said in this post, the minute I found out she was trying, I prayed she would not have any issues even if that meant she got pregnant before me. I could just never wish how I feel and what I have gone through on anyone, let alone family.
So, now I know we have this in common. And clearly she is under a doctor's care. And now I don't know what to do.
Do I talk to her? Do I ignore it? I'm a talker and would love if someone in a similar situation wanted to talk but would she feel the same? But would she be afraid to approach me?
Infertility sucks.
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