Rough day in TTC land

The hubby and I have been having a discussion about our TTC journey and I have come to the realization that I have been doing a lot of things wrong, possibly to the detrement of our relationship.

When we first decided to start trying, I was ready, jumping in with both feet. The hubby had gotten to a place where he definitely wanted children, but in general, he has a more relaxed attitude about life--something I really admire and wish I could emulate more! 

In the beginning so as to get him used to the idea of trying, I simply went off the pill and we just had sex about when I thought we should--and, of course, other times too. I still got really upset each month when I wasn't pregnant, but I was still okay with it all. Even when I started using OPKs, I didn't let it stress me out; it was just a cool new element. I will fully admit to getting upset if the hubby wasn't in "the mood" when I was, which I know now--after lengthy discussion--was completely wrong of me. I'm sure I knew it at the time too.

I was putting on the pressure whether I realized it or not. It's the downfall of being a woman. Hormones rage and emotions run high. I felt like we weren't on the same page and he felt like I only wanted him to have a baby.

Neither of these things could be further from the truth.

I thought it got better when I started charting and when I started posting on The Bump, but I think even that started consuming me. Of course, that also coincided with the 6 month mark, which was really hard for me. Even though I had said I was afraid it could take me awhile to get pregnant, in the back of my mind,I really never thought it would take that long. And then once we hit a year, yeah, that was bad.

But, I really felt that after I had talked to the doctor and had the HSG test that I had sort of hit a stride. I felt like I was feeling differently. Not resigned to not having kids, but had made peace with the fact that it wasn't happening, so I was just going to keep at it and eventually it would.

I don't think that translated well to the hubby.

And I don't know that we've talked enough. He tends to hold those things in to protect me and maybe himself. I'm VERY outwardly emotional and could talk an ear off.

I've sort of come to a place of rambling here. Bottom line is we are on the same page. We both want kids and we are continuing on this journey, just maybe in a little different way for awhile.