Conflicted

I hate when my head knows what to do, but my stupid emotions try to take over.

The Hubby and I made the decision today to join a gym. We've had weight loss equipment--a very nice elliptical, a Bowflex, and a stationary bike--for years. And we've used them. And I have a whole library of workout DVDs. But, none of that was motivating enough for us, so we are selling the equipment and joining a gym.

I am actually very excited at what all that will mean. I've wanted to join a gym for quite some time, but reasoned that since we spent the money on such expensive equipment, that was just dumb and that I could do everything I needed/wanted to do at home.

But, both The Hubby and I have lost some motivation, put on weight, and just really are ready for new things.

See, four years ago, I embarked on a weight loss journey and was quite successful. It started off very vain--I didn't want to be the "fat" bridesmaid in a good friend's wedding. So in January 2007, I went on a diet and started working out with The Biggest Loser workout DVD (and later, the second BL DVD and the stationary bike with some Bowflex mixed in) and by May, I'd lost almost 20 pounds. After that, I sort of stalled out. I kept eating healthier and tried different workouts, though not always as diligently. By the end of that year, I'd manage to maintain my weight loss, even through the holidays.

That maintenance motivated me and the next January, I decided to step it up a bit. I was still only using workout DVDs, the Bowflex some, and the stationary bike. But, I also really learned about healthy eating and made great efforts to stick to a healthy lifestyle. So, even when I wasn't losing weight, I was feeling good and looking good. By May of 2008, The Hubby decided he really wanted a good elliptical machine at home. He was also overweight, but had been working out at his office gym on weights and an elliptical. So, we bought one. And I loved it. There was so much more I could do. I would do 30 minutes on the elliptical followed by 20 to 40 minutes cardio DVD one day and the next do the Bowflex followed by 20 to 40 minutes strenght DVD. Then I added an ab workout and a high intensity cardio workout on the elliptical. We were doing a fitness challenge at work and I was kicking butt. In addition to all that, I was walking up to a mile and a quarter every day with friends at work.

By Fall, I was down a total of just over 30 pounds and I was looking and feeling so good. I had to buy all new clothes, which was completely awesome. The Hubby and I got married in October of that year and I did Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD the 30 days prior. I actually had to slow down a little for fear of losing too many inches that my new clothes were starting to get a little loose. I also decided to try my hand (and my feet and my knees and my back) at running. I even ran a 5k in December.

Then came January 2009.A series of events that are by no means good excuses caused me to completely lose my way on that journey. First, I had to have my wisdom teeth out at the beginning of January at the age of 31. A simple google search will tell you that the older you are, the harder the recovery from getting your wisdom teeth out. I was basically out of commission on the workout front for at least a month. I tried a few times, but the blood pounding caused horrible pain. I had a hard time getting back into a routine I liked after that. Not an excuse, but there it is. I did make a valiant effort for about a month and was feeling pretty good--I even worked out in my room and in the hotel gym on a business trip in early May.

In May, my dad had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery. He is divorced, so my brothers and I took turns seeing him in the hospital, caring for him, and taking him to his physical therapy. He lives and was in the hospital over an hour away from my house.--one way But, a couple of times  a week, I made that drive. It was exhausting and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home or the days I didn't go was workout. Again, not a valid excuse, but there it is.

And then, we started TTC and I hit the busiest busy season I've had in my nearly 10 years with my company. I was working 50 to 55 hour weeks, my hormones were going crazy, and my motivation was just not quite there anymore. The Hubby also started a new schedule at work, which completely threw off my normal workout routines. We did both start working out in the mornings, but I wasn't alway consistent with the crazy hours I was working.

By Fall, I had gained back about 5 of the pounds I lost. Not so bad. Until the post-BC hormones hit. I very rapidly gained 10 to 15 pounds in a month's time. By no means do I blame just the hormones. I know my responsibility, but it didn't help by any stretch.

And this past year has just not been any better. I've gained back every pound. And that is my own fault. I've been so bogged down with TTC that it has just outweighed my need to exercise.

And that's where the conflict comes in.

In my head, I know it is better to get routines set now and get in shape now. It might help me get pregnant, it would certainly help during pregnancy, and would definitely help me post-partum.

But, my emotions and my fears put me someplace else. And now, especially, after so long trying, I'm so afraid.

I want to lose the weight. I want to look and feel like I did. I want to be healthy--I loved that. But I worry about what my workouts do to my body. I'm afraid if I workout too hard, I could mess up my cycles. Or if I workout too much in the 2ww, am I causing a problem with implantation or could I cause an early miscarriage.

In my head, I know these are ridiculous thoughts. I know that I have no history of any of these things and that I've been active before, so if I start out slow again and build back up, I'll probably be just fine.

But at this stage of the game--15 months in--I'm afraid to do something to prolong conception even if it the outcome--health and weight loss--are positive.

I'm hoping that by joining the gym and starting fresh, I can assuage these fears. Sometimes I think that by working out at home, I was feeling like I should workout the way I was before. So, maybe by having other options, I can allow myself this fresh start to build some new routines.

And if I do happen to be pregnant this cycle, I can still use the gym for light workouts. I'm really excited because they have a pool, which I know from friends is great in late pregnancy for some activity that doesn't hurt.

So, I'm cautiously excited to start this journey. To my readers (because I know you are out there, and I love you for it), I will probably blog about it some--and not just as it pertains to TTC. And if you actually made it all the way through this post, bless you. I know it was long and you are probably thinking unnecessary, but I felt the need to put my journey out there--for me.