The Pink Elephant

Yeah, I'm not so much on the original for post titles. Whatever.

So, yeah, that old saying about the pink elephant. That's the perfect description for TTC. Let me get something out right here. I've often read that infertility is like the pink elephant in the room/corner/table. Out of respect to the hundreds of women who have diagnosed infertility, I'm trying to label myself with that yet. Technically, I almost could. Technically, a year of trying without sucess can "earn" you that label. But, I feel it is overused and until there is some diagnosis of something wrong or it's been a little longer--say, a year and half, maybe--I just don't want to do it. Naive, perhaps. Denial, I'm sure. But, there it is.

So, the pink elephant. Yeah, he always pops up when you least expect it. At least for me. I'm not SOOOO self-involved to think that other people think of me and my situation all the time or even some of the time. But, I know he's there.

He's there when someone innocently tells me about a new pregnancy she just learned about or someone who just gave birth. He sits there reminding everybody that I'm not pregnant and/or haven't given birth.

He's there when friends, who know we're TTC and probably realize at this point that it's been awhile, innocently ask what we've been up to. He's there thinking I've not been pregnant two more times since we last saw you and I've started testing to find out if something is wrong. Oh, and I'm waiting to see if my temperature tomorrow morning confirms when I ovulated so that I can start another 2 week wait to see if I got pregnant this time or not.

Do I think my friends see Mr Pink Elephant? Sometimes I think they do. I think sometimes he's visable to them when the subject of what's going on with my efforts and they don't know what all to say and ask. And I think he's there when I don't know how to answer the "what have you been up to" question and just say nothing, when I'm sure my eyes and tone give away that lie.

I hate that this whole process is on my mind all the time. I don't want it to be. And I do have hobbies and I do things to take my mind off of it. But, a promotion, Fall TV, books, sewing, gardening, working out, cooking, baking.

At the end of the day, I'm still not pregnant. I still don't have the baby I long to have.

I have a pink elephant.