Alone

One of the worst parts of having trouble trying to conceive, for me at least, is the feeling of being alone. And that's true even when people know--and in my case, a lot of people know.

But knowing doesn't mean understanding. And all the people who know, the vast majority don't understand.

My friends who know the most, bless them, try to understand. They ask questions, offer sympathy and prayers and crossed fingers. But, they the lucky ones who didn't have to go through seeing multiple negative pregnancy tests or month after month of dashed hopes. So, while they can appreciate my feelings of wanting to get pregnant and not, they can't really understand how I feel.

Others who know, obviously just feel sorry for me, even my friends. You can see it in their eyes. It's pity. It's complete, utter nonunderstanding and not even knowing how to talk to me about it.

My mother has been where I am, but even she can't fully understand. Her infertility was secondary in that she had me no problem, but had trouble conceiving after. So, while she understand the emotions, she can't understand them all. She can't understand things like Mother's Day and why it's hard for me.

Even my husband can't fully understand. He wants kids, but not with the same longing I have and have had for so long. And, of course, he doesn't have the added fun of hormones, which just makes it all worse. He's not the one trying all kinds of things to help or doing the the research or going through invasive, painful tests (yet). And my husband is very black and white, straightforward. If we've been doing things, like charting, and it's not working, well then it must be wrong. I must not be ovulating when the chart says. Well, yes, I am. That part is basic science. But, just because I'm ovulating and even if we have great timing, it doesn't mean I will automatically be pregnant.

It's just very frustrating. I feel like I'm constantly having conversations in my head trying to rationalize things or just vent. I get to the point where I just keep it all in. And that's probably not good.

And I don't like to complain, especially about myself. I'm one of those people who always feels like no matter what is going on with me, others surely have worse, so I shouldn't say anything. And while that may be true, it shouldn't trivialize my feelings, but it does.

Maybe now I can get some of it out here and at least not feel like a crazy person talking to myself--even if I sort of still am.