35-Week Update

Yeesh! Once again, I had no idea how long it had been.

Oh, so much to update!

I was 26 weeks at the last official update. Now, 35, almost 36 weeks. Holy crap!

The last month and a half in particular have been quite the whirlwind. Lots going on at home, with family, at work, with baby.

Backing up to 29 weeks and what was supposed to have been my 28-week appointment (my doctor was out, so we just pushed out a week) where I had my blood draw for gestational diabetes. Of course, my belly was also measured at this appointment, not for the first time. What was for the first time was being told I was measuring ahead. Turns out, I was measuring 3 weeks ahead. Yes, that's right, THREE!!! So, my doctor ordered a sonogram for my 31-week appointment.

29-week (really, 30) bump. We are fairly certain, based on his movement and a start difference in the appearance of my belly, that Baby Boy had just the day or two before gone from laying across my belly to head down.

So, fast forward another two weeks and we were back for our third sonogram of this pregnancy, which happened to be scheduled for the same day as my work shower.

Have I ever mentioned how much I love the people I work with? (Well, the vast majority of them, anyway.) They threw us such a fun shower and were so incredibly generous.

After the shower, we were on our way to the doctor and to our little man again. I was much more relaxed for this ultrasound than the 20-week anatomy scan, but still anxious, wondering what we were going to see given my measurements. What we saw was a perfectly healthy baby - undeniably still a very much a boy - who has a big head (thanks to Daddy's genes), a little bit of a long torso, a femur bone measuring right on schedule, and Daddy's profile.

Isn't he just the cutest? But, turns out, he's actually measuring right on schedule, though he will be a bit of a bigger baby. So, looks like Mommy is just giving him lots of room. My doctor is not the least bit concerned and has every intention of letting thing progress on their own - both until I go into labor and during labor unless there is just no way I can deliver him on my own. Have I mentioned loving my doctor?

The Hubby had his own work shower at the end of September, so lots more cute stuff stocked up on. And we gave our many coupons and gift cards a workout getting little things we wanted for the nursery before my last shower - yep, that was going to bring the total up to four showers! A little crazy, but I'd yet to have a shower with my family.

So, first weekend of October was Last Baby Shower Weekend. But, first we had a couple of little things to take care of - the hospital tour and Baby Care Basics Class. We loved both and I am so glad we did them. I'd seen much of the maternity wing of the hospital having been present for the birth of our nephew and been through labor with my SIL when our niece was born. I've even visted the NICU there. But, it was good for The Hubby to get a better feel for the place. And the baby care class was great. My goal for attending that class was for The Hubby to get some knowledge and comfort on all things infant/newborn without it all coming from me. A level playing field, if you will. We also go some great reassurance on how are hospital does things during and directly after birth, which coincide with our wishes. Great, great experience.

I don't have any pictures uploaded yet from my family shower, but it was so much fun. Thrown by my mom (now known as Nana) and my aunt. It was just family and some very close friends, and just really nice. (More to come on baby showers.)

So, at this point I was just ready to relax and wait for baby. I still have some things to do - get our bedroom cleaned and organized (and ready for the pack 'n' play), back the hospital bag.

But, then I had more appointments. At my 33/34 week appointment, I was still measuring 2 weeks ahead, so the NP I saw that day said my doctor would probably want yet another sono at 36 or 37 weeks. Well, fine.

At my 35/36 week appointment, my doctor had to leave for a delivery, so I again saw NP. I wasn't really expecting a cervix check at this appointment since I was technically at 35 weeks, but she did one anyway. Turns out I am dilated to 1 cm and 50% effaced. And Baby Boy's head is pretty low.

Now, none of this necessarily freaks me out. I know that means I could go into labor tomorrow or 4 weeks from now. Of course, The Hubby freaked out on me a little bit, but a quick google search calmed him some. I have also been having some Braxton-Hicks if I push myself to hard to do things, so I've just committed to stopping that. I need Baby Boy to stay put!

We will get another ultrasound to just to check his size next week.

I have a few more things to share, but this has gotten good and long and rambling already. I make no promises, but I will try to keep updating over the next few weeks.

Out of The Hubby's Mouth: It'll Just Work Out

I should probably be documenting more of The Hubby throughout this pregnancy because it's been a trip. He's been rather adorable about all things baby, if not a little lacking in the "hey, my wife is actually pregnant" department. He's been so excited to do the nursery (he's done practically the entire thing himself), he loves to go baby shopping. With me, he's very into telling me what I should and shouldn't be eating, that I should be working out more. But, he does rub my feet rather frequently and has some big moments of trying to help - they could just stand to be a bit more frequent.

As we inch closer to the big day, I, of course, become a bit more anxious and frantic about planning. I've started a list for a hospital bag; really, I've just jotted down a few things I've seen here or there that I've though were good ideas and things I hadn't really thought about.

One of my biggest concerns, as I've mentioned before, has always been what to do about the four-legged babies when the time comes. I want a plan. I want to talk to people. I want to know, generally speaking, what is going to happen. I've been tabling the discussion for awhile, but I'm really ready to set this into motion.

So, I mention it to The Hubby.

His response, in a nutshell? "It'll all just work out. People do this all the time."

Ummmm.....

While this isn't an entirely untrue statement, there is a little more to it, dear. Most people do, in fact, have a plan, but we have a particularly sticky situation in that our munchkins are NOT used to being without both of us for any extended period of time (it's actually never happened), they are not used to being around a lot of other people, and we have spoiled them royally.

To back up his statement, he has given me a basic scenario of "you'll go into labor, we'll feed them and take them out if it's the right time, and we'll go the hospital; if we have to stay, we'll just see what happens; I can run home and take them out again depending on how long . . . " You can see where this is heading

Ummmm......

So, we're going to leave our wife in labor to run home and take care of the dogs? Sure, that's a good plan. Yes, we only live about 20 minutes from the hospital, but under what circumstances does he think it's okay to leave me? And while "take out and feed the dogs" seems like a quick little errand, it wouldn't be. He spends at least 5 minutes greeting them every day and about that long trying to leave them (I'm not joking; he's so bad leaving them that I have already said he will never be the one to do drop off at whatever child care option we end up with). So, we'd be looking at at least an hour.

And, really, you would be okay with leaving the children locked up in their crate for an unknown, likely long, amount of time when this is absolutely not the norm for them BEFORE we bring a new, tiny, screaming person into their home.

Yeah, good plan.

At this point, I'm considering drawing up some scenarios for him about exactly how labor/delivery might go. Because even though I know we will work through the dog-taking-care-of issue, this has shown me that I don't think he has a real sense of what exactly it's going to be like.

So, thinking I might give hims some scenarios for an induced birth, a short labor, a long labor, an unplanned C-section. I think he just needs to understand that it's not like on TV where "oh, honey, I'm having contractions/my water just broke, let's go the hospital" and magically a few hours later, you have a baby.

I know he's prepared himself for the actual delivery portion of the event, but I don't think he realizes everything else that happens between "go time" and main event.

If anybody has any good stories they'd like to share or point me to, feel free. I have a couple already, including my mother's long labor with me (and her MUCH shorter ones with my brothers).

Puppy Love

I've gotten asked a few times if I'm worried/scared about labor. I've discussed the subject with a few people. I really think the general consensus that I'm in denial or that the anxiety will come later. And this is all the subject of a future post.

The truth is I have one major anxiety about going into labor/being in labor.

And it has nothing to do with hospitals or pain or the unknown or the baby.

It has everything to do with my other babies - yep, the dogs.

I have had a number of full-blown anxiety attacks about leaving my sweet babies for any number of days, especially with the unknown of how exactly it will happen (will I end up being induced, so a little more "planned," or will I just go into labor and we have to make sure they are covered), when it will happen, etc. Add that to the worry I have about them adjusting to the baby in the first place. And we just don't trust most people with our babies - we've never both been away from them in almost 8 years.

We have a friend who will be able to come stay with them and they know and love him very much. They are even good for him - he had to come over late the night The Hubby was admitted to the hospital two years ago and I wouldn't leave until he was in a room. But, he's not Mommy and Daddy.

Yeah, there you have it, we are THOSE pet people. They are not our pets, they are our babies. Our little girl, The Hubby will tell you, saved his life after our other little girl died and he needed another companion. Our little boy was an unexpected surprise in our lives and he is our little shadow; can't be without one of us at all times. They were my saving grace through IF. I was at least their mommy. And they could always make me smile and always knew when I needed love.

Now, I know that everybody will say this will change as soon as the baby gets here. Trust me, I've heard it. And I'm also not naive enough to believe that things will not be different. But, I can assure you that my two 4-legged babies will continue to be my babies too and that we will do everything in our power to make this transition smooth for them. We made a committment to them and we are changing the game. So, it is our job to help them just as much as to help Baby Boy.

I've, of course, been reading up on all the tips for transitioning furbabies. I've actually read them for years. A lot of them are really good things to do, things to know. The Hubby will bring something of Baby Boy's home from the hospital for them to get the scent. When we come home from the hospital, I will come in first to greet them (can I tell you how much I tear up thinking about this - they get so upset when I'm not home) then bring in Baby Boy. We've started here and there with phone apps of crying/fussy babies. They handle that okay.

Now, I also hear people say to do things like block off the baby's room, keep baby's stuff away from them, transition them to another sleeping place if they sleep in your bed, start paying them less attention so they get used to it.

Um, yeah, these are not things that will be happening in our family.

From the day we started setting up the nursery, I have pretty much allowed them to roam in and out freely. Same when it came to the first round of baby stuff. When I started taking the stuff out of bags from our first shower, I did it on the floor with them wandering in and out. They walked by, sniffed, didn't try to take anything (with the exception of a toy ball, but like I can really blame them there). I will not keep them from being around the baby and his things. Why would I? Yes, they shed. But, this is their home too, they are not horrible shedders, and their hair is all over this dang house anyway, no matter how well I clean! I want them to know that they belong with all of us.

I will also not be kicking them out of our bed. Again, I don't quite understand this one. I will not be co-sleeping (again, not so naive to believe that my child will never share my bed, but not when he is very little); baby will only be in the bed while I am nursing. And I know my munchkins. Little Girl will sleep right through it all (maybe adjust her spot in bed) and Little Boy will come see what's happening then lie down by us. For us, in particular, it is very important that our doggies maintain this habit. We have daschunds and they are very habit oriented. We were told right from the beginning that however we chose to have them sleep, we needed to not ever change it. And we won't.

The last thing you could not pay me to do is to ignore them or give them less attention. For one, they wouldn't let it happen. For another, I believe it is a silly thing that could only harm the transition more, especially for my sensitive little ones. We do not spend 100% of our time giving them attention and they do just fine when they are not the center of attention. I believe the transition will come pretty naturally, though I certainly expect bumps.

So, if I can just get past the whole being away from them for a couple of days, I'll be good. We still haven't fully decided how we are going to handle taking care of them while we are at the hospital. I've given The Hubby the option of saying with us and having our friend stay at the house or for him to come home at night to be with them. I believe he is leaning toward the latter. But, we'll see. I believe friend will be on stand-by (thank goodness he only lives 5 minutes away!).

Didn't know I was already some crazy puppy mommy, did you?

The Lazy Blogger: 26 Week Bumpdate!

Eek! I really did not realize how long it had been!

No pictures or official update. I'm not making any promises to get back to that, but I will try!

First things first, anatomy scan on on 7/5 went great. Peanut looks absolutely perfect and was swimming around like a little fish. I will admit to having some pretty major anxiety leading up to the appointment. I'd thought I'd felt flutter here and there, but was not sure. And then I'd read that I should be feeling flutters and that others were feeling flutters. I had a major meltdown two nights before the appointment and then 30 minutes later, I started feeling some flutters.

Obviously, I'm going to make you wait for the big news!

So, from pretty much day 1, The Hubby was convinced Peanut was girl. No doubt in his mind, he was sure. I didn't really have any thoughts one way or the other until I had two very vivid dreams - at about 10 weeks and again about 14 weeks - of the baby and he was a he. And, really, I think I just felt boy all along. We did try the ring on the string test (just to shut up The Hubby), but it was decidedly inconlusive, and even the Chinese gender charts said different things depending on whether I went by LMP/EDD or conception/ovulation date.

So, as my doctor said, we were going for the tie breaker.

By the time we actually got to the appointment, I could not have cared less about the sex. I was so anxious to see the Peanut and make sure he/she was okay and healthy that the sex truly was secondary.

I'm not even sure what my real reaction was when the tech said "and you have a son."

The Hubby was in complete shock. He was so convinced, he kept saying all day how shocked he was by the news, but he was SO excited. There is really no doubt in the picture that he is a he. The Hubby was so proud that he wanted to text the picture to everybody. I had to talk him down from posting it on Facebook. I mean, really.

I think a lot of people expected me to be disappointed. Having four brothers, three of whom are younger, people naturally assumed I'd want a little girl. And while that may have been a little true at some point and I would still love to have a daughter, I could not be more thrilled with a son. I'm not honestly sure I would have known what to do if they'd told me I was having a girl.

The real fun began then.

We registered that day and actually got to pick up the crib, which was completely unexpected (we'd been told two days earlier that they didn't have any in stock and we'd have to order it).

The Hubby could not stand to wait another minute to name Baby Boy, but we still had not quite settled on the name. We'd tabled the boy name discussion until we found out the sex. By the next day, Baby Boy had a name. And I love it and it's perfect.

Since then, I've finally gotten the spare bedroom cleaned out, it officially became "the baby's room." The Hubby painted and put together the crib. We got up a border and some decals.

He will have a sports themed room. We considered other options briefly, but for us, it just had to be sports. It's more of a vintage sports and we'll be using a lot of decorations dealing with our favorite teams. I'm so excited to get some of my projects done.

A couple of weeks ago, our friends threw us a surprise baby shower. Completely unexpected and so much fun. So, we've got some stuff now! That has caused all kinds of anxiety about figuring out where to put everything now. We did buy the dresser/changer this weekend, so that will help some!

What else?

I've started and almost completed "Operation Get This House Ready for Baby." I took a week off from work to completely reorganize and clean out my house. It's almost done. Then, garage sale, then we'll be ready to finish out Peanut's room.

As far as me, I've been feeling really good. Second trimester has been pretty smooth, thankfully. I can tell I'm creeping up on 3rd trimester, though. Getting tire more easily, more aches and pains. I'm still okay on weigh gain. I think I will go a bit over the 30 pounds recommended, but I don't think by much. Not doing nearly as much exercise as I'd like since we quit the gym. But, it's been too hot to go out and walk at any time of day or night (plus, we have a severe threat of West Nile Virus in our area, so I really can't be out much early or late when it would be cool enough). But, still no crazy eating, so I'm okay with it all. Back and hip pain was better, but now it's starting to hurt again. More trouble sleeping in the last week or so, which I know will only get worse!

I'm so shocked by how fast pregnancy seems to be going. It was so slow in the beginning and it felt like I had forever until November. Now, it seems just around the corner. That causes a moment of panic every now and then, but mostly, I just can't wait. Pregnancy was always a means to an end. I'm really pretty blase about pregnancy, I think. I don't love or hate it. (Okay, I sort of love it right now because he's really started moving so much and it's so much fun to have those moments where it's just him and me.) I'm ready to be done, but just because I want my baby in my arms.

Sorry this blog was so all over the place. I just wanted to catch some highlights. Again, no promises, but I really will try very hard to be a better blogger!

No Right to Complain

I have a ridiculously flexible job in terms of time off, start/leave time, flexiblity.

When the baby comes, I will be able to work from home two days a week for awhile. I have to ability to work at home if the baby is sick, so I don't have to use up my sick time or PTO if I don't want to. I can make up time in the evenings or weekend if I need to be out, come in late, or leave early.

I have a pretty decent amount of paid time off each year.  Twenty PTO days, 7 sick days, 2 to 3 floating holidays (depending on the year), plus some "off the record" bonus days provided by my department as a reward (up to 4 a year). That's a LOT of time.

I also have a pretty great parental leave policy - compared to many US work environments, not compared to the rest of the world. I get 8 weeks FULL PAID parental leave. And, since I work for a very large corporation, I fall under FMLA, which means I can take 12 full weeks off with the baby, the last four weeks are up to me to cover in terms of time off/pay.

For all these reasons, I have no right to complain. Not even a little bit.

But, sometimes, the corporate world lacks certain insight into flexiblity.

Not my direct management, mind you. They are great. And, no, they would not in any way, shape, or form read this. That is just the honest truth.

See, my due date presents something of a condundrum to me with all that above mentioned paid time off.

For as long as I have worked at this company - 11 years - I have set aside usually around 8 or 9 days (depending on how many company holiday days we get) to take off at the end of year, so for Christmas break, you could say. This is not an uncommon practice in my department as we have little to no production work going at that time and we've just come off our busiest time, during which we are not allowed to take more than two days in a row for about a three-month period. In addition to those days at the end of the year, I also take off the week of Thanksgiving, racking up three more of those days. All other time is either taken here and there when I want a day off, I try to take a week in the summer (really, to use up my time more than anything else), and sick time. Any "leftover" time (which I do usually have), I usually take in the form of long weekends throughout December.

I plan my time off very carefully. I am not one who likes to take off when we are in the middle of things. I don't take random vacations. My time is usually scheduled for when there is the least amount of work going on and the time where there is the least chance of me being needed. (Now, this is a completely unnecessary practice on my part. Despite the fact that I am now in a "supervisor" role, my team is perfectly capable of handling workload and crisis without me. It's just how I am.)

So, back to my due date, November 18. That would be the Sunday before Thanksgiving. My parental leave must start the day the baby is born (for the record, I am very well aware that baby could come earlier or later than that day; using that date as a point of reference because early or late, the same "issues" apply). So, if the baby comes on time or early, I have AT LEAST 12 paid days off that I would no longer be using in their regularly schedule places. And, usually, it would be closer to 15 days.

Okay, that's easy enough, right? Just take off time prior to that? Well, that's not so easy either. The "ideal" time for  me to take off to prepare for baby comes during our busiest time of year, a time when our department policy is to not take more than two days off in a row from Aug. through Thanksgiving. And despite my bosses telling me to not worry about it (more on that in a minute), I do. It's just in my nature to do that. I also don't feel right taking off extra time at that point when I have extended time off coming up.

Well, can't I just use some PTO before parental leave starts? Nope. Our parental leave is separate from our STD and actually MUST start the day of baby's birth (or the first weekday after).

This leads us to part two of the issue. My eight weeks of parental leave will end in 2013. I want to take 12 weeks, as "covered" by FMLA. My last four weeks have to be figure out by me using PTO, sick time, or unpaid time. Remember how I was talking about all that time I have every year? Well, it seems that way unless you basically want to use all that time in one fell swoop - in February.

But, wait, I don't WANT to use all my 2012, so why don't I just carry that over to 2013? Yeah, my company doesn't allow that. Well, that's not entirely true. Yes, our policy is use it or lose it, no carryover. BUT, in our corporate policy, it is stated that with special permission from your manager (or management team), you can carry over up to 5 days. Well, hey, that's something right? You would think.

You would think that after 11 years of loyalty to a company that I could have left many years ago, after being a pretty exemplory employee - someone who has never had a bad review, who has been promoted to the highest level possible (right now) in the department, that I might be awarded said "special permission."

You would be wrong.

My immediate management team would give me those 5 days without a second thought. Unfortunately, the decision has to go a bit higher. To bosses in another city who don't know me from Eve. Now, I respect these bosses a great deal. They've done a LOT for our department. But, my boss has already informed that that while he will ask, he has never known the permission to be granted.

So, where does that leave me? That leaves me either wiping out my PTO to stay home with the baby for the full 12 weeks or  me using two weeks of 2013 PTO (which I am perfectly willing to do) then taking two weeks unpaid.

The latter option is not even up for discussion. This is not something we can afford for me to do. This is not something we can really even save up for me to do. We are not in a bad financial position, but we are very middle America in that we basically live paycheck-to-paycheck, though we have in the last year put ourselves into the position to save more money. BUT, we are now needing much of that saved money to pay for baby.

The former option is not appealing in that I would have virtually no time left for the rest of the year - a total of 14 days. Yeah, I could deal with not having my usual end of the year time off for one year, but do I really want that to be my child's first real Thanksgiving and Christmas? (Let's face it, this year won't really count!) Not really.

So, that leaves me with "only" taking 10 weeks off with baby.

This is where we get into the "no right to complain" territory.

I would get to take 10 whole weeks off with my newborn. Paid. In full. With the blessing of my bosses and co-workers. That is more than I'd say MOST women in this country are afforded. And after that, I will get to work from home twice a week with the baby at home with me while he/she is still very young and (hopefully) sleeping a lot.

I also have a husband who will be just as willing as I am to take time off with baby when needed, but his schedule is MUCH less flexible than mine.

I also have a mother who has a TON of time saved up (hers rolls over - lucky!) and is MORE than willing to help me take care of the baby whenever I need.

But, the point is I want to stay home for 12 weeks with my child.

And I have given a lot to this company over the years and am actually offering to do something that would be mutually beneficial to myself and the company.

But, corporate policy wins in the end.

I wrote this like I expected somebody to actually read the ramblings of a crazy, hormonal pregnant woman.

I didn't. I wrote it because I am crazy, hormonal, and pregnant.

Truth is I always knew this is how it would play out in the end. I know our corporate policy. I know what my family can manage.

This is how it was always going to be. But, I thought for a brief time that I would actually catch a break in this.

I'm not asking for sympathy because I do know that I am very lucky in what I do have.

But, it still sucks - for me.

16 Week Bumpdate

Well, my belly is almost as big as my ass. That's something, right? This week, I just plain feel frumpy. I think I'm pretty close to "popping" (The Hubby seems convinced I have), but still so very in between.

So, funny (probably only to me) story about my bump pic outfit. The pants are my super, extra comfy yoga pants. I bought them the first month we started trying to get pregnant. I was on my period, the first in over seven years without BC, and was completely uncomfortable and miserable. We had plans with friends (casual plans that involved staying in) that night and I could not fathom wearing jeans. When I got these pants home and put them on, I immediately thought how great they would be for potential bump pics. That alone might make you think I never wanted to wear them again after the first few months. Not so, but only because they were so damn comfy because I can promise you that every time I put them on, I thought about that first time. So, even though these pants are no longer fit for public wear, I'm glad I still have them and happy to put them on for these pictures.

How far along?  16 weeks!!! I can't believe it's already 16 weeks. That seems so far, yet when I think about it only being June and I have until November, it feels like forever!

Weight gain/loss:  I got on the scale end of last week and really only see a couple of pounds more up. I think the combination of not eating all.the.time and consistently working out again (and doing a lot of walking while shopping/browsing) has helped me keep from gaining too much.

Workout: Sadly only two days last week. One day of swimming and one day of walking. I wanted to go a third day, but my back decided it wanted to threaten to go out on me, so rest was the smarter mood. On the subject of working out, I think we are giving up our gym membership. At the very least, we are dropping me. It's hard for me to go consistently if I don't get enough sleep. And, aside from the swimming (which I will mess a lot), I'm just not enthusiastic about going anymore. And, once the baby is here, it will be very hard for us to have the type of workout regime we did before. Not giving up exercise by any means. But, I've done well on my own before with weight at home and DVDs. I want to be doing more stretching/yoga for the rest of pregnancy. I can walk outside and we are getting a jogging stroller for the baby. So, I'm sad to lose some of what the gym offers, but I think it'll be good.

Maternity clothes? Yes. After two days of being ridiculously uncomfortable even with my pants not only unbutton but practically completely unzipped, I couldn't deny the need for some "bottoms." The Hubby took pity on me and took me shopping. I was hoping for some skirts, but didn't find any where we went. I did get a pair of jeans and pair of capris. I also got a few tops. So, I'll still be mixing the maternity bottoms with my regular shirts that still fit.

Stretch marks?  Not that I can see yet.

Sleep? Better, for the most part. I've even gone a couple of nights without getting up to pee! The key (both for good sleep and to not be in pain the next day) seems to be a few stretched I looked up to help both my sciatica and my poor hips. I've also added one more pillow folded between my legs from my feet to my knees. The Snoogle takes care of the rest.

Best moment this week: Seeing my favorite little people: my nieces and nephew. And, officially picking the crib!!


Food cravings: Salads!


 
Gender:  July 5 is the date!




 
Belly button in or out? Still in. The Hubby seems convinced it will be out soon. He's weird.


Movement?  The Peanut and I are in serious negotiations about that. I would like very much to feel a little something.

What I miss:  The ability to get a good, complete night's sleep. Comes with the territory, so no complaints, but I do miss it!


What I'm looking forward to:  Hearing the heartbeat at my next appointment on Thursday!


Milestones:  Buying maternity clothes!

15 Week Bumpdate

The picture quality is bad and I don't feel like fighting my computer to fix it. It hides the fact that I was not in a good mood, had not showered, and had on no makeup. You can still see the bump!
 
How far along?  15 weeks!!!

Weight gain/loss:  Quite honestly, I've just sort of stopped looking. My scale seems to be a constant yo-yo, so I'm just not trying.

Workout: Four days last week! Yay me! Two days swimming, one day an hour on the treadmill, and one day 30 on the treadmill/30 on the recumbent bike. Normally, I would have done a full hour on the treadmill again, but my knee gave out while walking, so I switched. Still looking for a prenatal yoga DVD. I actually found a place that has a class once week, but I don't think I could convince The Hubby to pay $60 for 6 weeks when we already pay that for the gym. Oh, well. Have I mentioned how much I miss my BodyPump class? I really, really, really miss it. Worth it, but miss it a lot.

Maternity clothes? Yeah, I really should just break down at this point and get a couple of pieces. I think I'm officially done with my jeans, even with the bella band. And a shirt I bought shortly after finding out I was pregnant that I thought would last for awhile (and, really, it has) was completely tight when I wore it over the weekend and really looked like a maternity shirt, which it is not.

Stretch marks?  Nothing new.

Sleep? God bless the inventor of the Snoogle. No lie, my favorite thing ever. I will use this thing well beyond pregnancy (I have back issues). The Hubby may even get one for himself. I've slept SO well. I only get up the one time for the bathroom again, usually flip sides when I do and right back to sleep. I'm a happy girl.

Best moment this week: Tie between lunch with my mom and aunt at the favorite family Mexican place and buying my Snoogle. Oh! And cleaning my house! I have a clean house again!!


Food cravings: Philly Cheesesteak sandwich. And, of course, the only close place that has one was closed. So, we bought the stuff and made them ourselves. I'm pretty sure The Hubby made me a total of 4 over three days. Yum!

Gender:  July 5 is the date!


Belly button in or out? Still in.


Movement?  Still trying to concentrate and feel, but too early.


What I miss:  I guess I mentioned that above. My BodyPump class. I miss NikeTraining Club too, though that one is definitely not one I would ever do pregnant. I 


What I'm looking forward to:  Picking out the crib. We're almost there! And starting to clean out the baby room. It'll be an undertaking, but I'm SO excited to get on it!


Milestones:  Baby is the size of an apple!

14 Week Bumpdate

Not really much difference between last week and this.

How far along?  14 weeks!!!

Weight gain/loss:  Going with right at 10 lbs. for the pregnancy. But, my stupid scale jumps around so much, it's so hard to tell.

Workout: Still managing 3 to 4 days. I've got a really good swimming routine down now that I'm really enjoying. I'm hoping start doing some of my hand weights at home to keep my arms in good shape. I also really want to find a prenatal yoga class or DVD. I need something to help keep me stretched and limber and help my core.

Maternity clothes? Really won't be long now. As much as I love the bella bands, even with them, pants are a bit uncomfortable. Really, I just want to get more dresses. I have little desire to wear pants as it gets hotter and hotter here in Texas.

Stretch marks?  Nothing new.

Sleep? Oh, how I miss it. The body pillow is just not doing the job. I'm having really bad sciatica, I wake up with my hips and knees in pain. I'm going to try a few more positions to make it work, but I think I'm going to have to break down and get a pregnancy pillow. I have back issues normally, particularly sciatica, and I have arthritis in my knees. So, this can all only get worse the bigger I get.


Best moment this week: Dinner out with The Hubby. We don't do date night often and it certainly wasn't anything fancy, but it was a nice little outing.


Food cravings: Not much, really. Still with all milk, particularly chocolate.


Gender:  July 5 is the date!


Belly button in or out? Still in.


Movement?  Still trying to concentrate and feel, but too early.


What I miss:  Sleeping comfortably.


What I'm looking forward to:  More baby shopping! We're going to try to nail down the furniture this week so we can start getting things ordered. My grandparents are buying the crib and my parents the dresser, so we want to give everybody enough time to coordinate.


Milestones:  Officially second trimester! Yippee!

13 Week Bumpdate

I'm choosing not to skip Week 13 despite being well into Week 14.

First, the bump:

Kind of blurry of the face. I saw a marked difference between week 12 and week 13. Now, a lot of it is still my fat being pushed up by my growing uterus (I can feel my uterus at the bottom of the "bump"), but a bump is a bump.

How far along?  13 weeks!!!

Weight gain/loss:  Hard to say, really. At my 12-week appointment, my doctor said I had gained the right amount of weight. I think I was just under 10 lbs. total for the pregnancy. 

Workout: Still averaging 3 to 4 times a week depending on how tired I am. I'm hoping now that season finales of all my shows are over, I can get to be at a more normal time to make up for crappy sleeping.

Maternity clothes? Closer, definitely. The bella bands are the most awesome things ever. I may never button pants again - ever.

Stretch marks?  A few new ones in boob area.

Sleep? Broke out the body pillow we've had for awhile. Hoping that will work, but afraid not.


Best moment this week: Most definitely hearing the precious heartbeat. SO amazing and a sound I will never get tired of. Beyond that, there was an awesome baseball game (despite a two-hour rain delay) - Go Rangers!! and a fun Mother's Day that included our first shopping for baby trip.


Food cravings: No real cravings to speak up. Well, except maybe chocolate milk. Drinking a lot of that.


Gender:  Too early, but we have the date set: July 5!!!


Belly button in or out? Still in.


Movement?  Sadly, too early. I keep trying to concentrate really hard to see if I can feel anything. Nothing.


What I miss:  My BodyPump class. I miss it a lot. I swim on the mornings I used to go to class and I see people coming in and miss it. I watch the clock and think it's time for squats, back, shoulders. Miss it a lot.


What I'm looking forward to:  Shopping and planning. Since hearing the heartbeat, we've sort of gone into full planning mode.


Milestones:  Hearing the heartbeat!

Beutiful Noise

A beautiful strong 154 bpm heartbeat.

There's a baby in there.

I really wasn't expecting it. It was so amazing.

Doctor said shout it from the rooftops. Of course, there were few people left to tell personally, but it's been done.

I know I keep saying it, but today was the day.

Today it feels real.

12 Week Bumpdate

By popular demand, the bump:

Worth the wait? Not so much. Still just a lot of bloat and, frankly, fat. And I'm really not being all "oh, I'm pregnant and it's making me fat." No, that's all on me. It's more about I really wish I'd been in better shape when I got pregnant. I'm disappointed in myself for not having been where I should have been. There really is a little bump down there - I can feel it. And, really, earlier in the day it's a bit more visible.

How far along?  12 weeks!!!

Weight gain/loss:  I'm up a little over 5 pounds total right now.

Workout: After some not so good weeks here, I managed four days last week!! Yay!! I'm hoping for 5 this week. We shall see. I've felt pretty good the last two mornings, so I'm hopeful.

Maternity clothes? Not quite, but getting closer. Using the hairband trick on my jeans pretty consistently now. Ordered my first bellabands today. I'm thinking I've got a few more weeks in normal clothes (perhaps with more and more help from the bellabands).

Stretch marks?  A few new ones in boob area.

Sleep? Not peeing as frequently, but having more issues with my back hurting. Probably should go ahead and get some body pillow help in that area. For the record, I have back issues - including sciatica - to begin with.


Best moment this week: Getting at least a little bit of my energy back!! I could tell Friday and Saturday I was feeling a little better, but on Sunday, I woke up feeling almost normal (energy-wise, still not so much in the tummy area). I managed almost my normal Sunday routine for the first time in 6 weeks. Even The Hubby noticed the difference.


Food cravings: A few more foods than usual, actually. Still loving my mac 'n' cheese a go-to. Some meat is more appealing, so that makes me happy. And, still, my love: milk.


Gender:  Too early! Can't wait!


Belly button in or out? Still in.


Movement?  Sadly, too early.


What I miss:  Being able to plan my meals. I think I'm getting closer to being back there, but it's tough not knowing what I'm going to want to eat at any given time.


What I'm looking forward to:  My second appointment on Thursday! We'll be hearing or seeing the heartbeat. I can't wait!!! And I just feel like this is the biggest milestone so far. I feel like once we get past this, I'll feel more comfortable really planning.


Milestones:  Baby's reflexes are starting to work, so more movement. So fun!

Mother's Day. I don't even expect The Hubby to acknowledge it as far as I'm concerned, but I'll know. It's a milestone for me.

11 Weeks (and Change): A Little Catching Up

Can we say behind on blogging? My apologies. I do not have access to the Blogger dashboard from my work computer at this time since they migrated to this new format (which is going to take a little getting used to). And, while I probably shouldn't do a lot of blogging at work, it was just easier than at home sometimes. So, now I am just going to make a point to carve out some time to get blogging done at home.

Before I move on to me, I want to give a very special shout out to my sweet friend, Jenn. Jenn and I "met" on the TTGP message board about two years ago and have shared a lot of this journey together - virtually. And on March 15, she found that she is also expecting after her own very long struggle. Jenn, I know I've already told you about a dozen times, but I could not be more happy for you. I am so happy to go on this part of the ride with you too. Love you a ton, lady!

Okay, so 11 weeks!! I can hardly believe it. And, yet, so much has happened between 8 weeks when we went to the doctor and saw The Peanut and his/her beautiful heartbeat.

After the appointment and seeing the heartbeat, I decided I was good to let a few more people in on the little secret. Let a few more family members in on the secret. A couple of more friends. Still avoiding a Facebook announcement.

But, work was where the news really went viral. And it was a lot fun. That was the one place where I got to have the fun of sharing the news all by myself. I was also still wary to do so because I still was so scared. But, it finally occurred to me that in some ways, I was almost in denial about the baby. Not pregnancy, necessarily - the morning sickness was taking care of that. But, I was so scared of getting hurt by something going on, that I think I was trying to protect myself and part of that was not telling people. So, I went in and told the last of my close friends who I had yet to tell. That was fun, but I told her to keep it quiet. I knew I was going to tell my boss and my team that day, but I still didn't know how much further I wanted the news to go. My boss helped out with that by being so excited in her reaction that the person in the next office heard her and some of my team figured it out. Eventually, enough people knew that my two friends who have known since day one were ready to be able to jump up and down in public. And jump they did. We ended up creating quite a ruckus and, needless to say, the news was no longer a secret.

As reserved as I was, seeing how happy people were for me - whether they knew how long and hard we'd been trying or not - was so amazing. And let me let my guard down.

On Week 9, I took the advice I read somewhere and bought a journal. I did not want to use the same journal that I'd started at the beginning of the year. I wanted a fresh start. I have only written in it a few times, but it has really helped break down the rest of my walls. It's such a different outlet than blogging.

Week 10 was the real breakthrough. I was finally thinking about baby, not just pregnancy. Even with morning sickness still in full, awful swing, I was finally looking past it. I allowed myself to look, just briefly, at baby items online. To start thinking.

The baby is finally real. Pregnancy was always real, but now the baby is.

I'm not going to do a full rundown on the pregnancy checklist. Here's some highlights:

• Working out is not going so well. My doctor really wasn't big on me continuing BodyPump, but I convinced The Hubby to let me keep it up with lower weights. Well, one class later, I had cramping later in the evening (which I know was totally unrelated, but he didn't), so he asked that I please stop. Other than that, I've just been so tired and feeling so crappy that I've just not manged more than two days a week the last few weeks. I've got in mind a new routine, so I'm hopeful that 2nd trimester will have me feeling a bit more like getting my butt out of bed at 4:15 to hit the gym.
• I'm okay with the weight gain. Realistically, since I'm not sure of my exact pre-pregnancy weight (I fluctuate a lot, so I don't think the last number I remember was the last number I was), I really only think I've gained about 5 pounds at this point.
• Eating. Oh, eating. I miss food. Or, rather, I miss enjoying food. Mealtime gives me so much anxiety. Over the last couple of weeks, I've developed a rather strong meat aversion. It looks good, but then I can't eat it. Some days are better than others, but that's been hard. But, really, I just don't want much food of any kind. Mac 'n' cheese is still good. Pizza works. Baked potatoes. Milkshakes (milk in general, really). 
• Body changes have been getting fun. Bloating, of course. But, last week, I was sort of feeling around on my lower abdomen and felt some hardness. It occurred to me that I was feeling my uterus starting to protrude a little, which was kind of cool. And, sure enough, my pregnancy book (Your Pregnancy Week by Week for anybody who might need a rec. - Jenn!) said I should be starting to feel that this week. It's so crazy, but I can't wait for that - mostly so that there is something there for people to look at other than my fat!
• And, of course, The Peanut has gone through more changes than I could even list! I look at the 8 week sonogram and can't help but think he/she doesn't even look like that anymore. In a tiny way, I would almost be okay not hearing the heartbeat at my next appointment because the doctor said we'd just do another sonogram to see baby if we didn't. But, I really do want to hear the heartbeat!
• My next appointment is one week from tomorrow, 5/10. I'll be about 12 weeks, 4 days. I'm so excited for that appointment While I have finally let go and let myself know this baby is real and IS coming, it will still be a relief to get to that appointment, go get to 12 weeks and know everything is going fine.

That's all I got for now. I promise to make myself blog from home.

Oh, and I will allow bump pictures starting next week at 12 weeks. Sorry, I just couldn't stand taking and posting pictures of just my fat before. I know it'll still pretty much be bloat, but 12 weeks seems like a good place to start!

First Appointment

Way behind on this post, but a busy week and I developed a nasty little cold mid-week that's sort of knocked me off my feet.

Our first appointment was last Monday, at 8wks, 1d. And it couldn't have gone any better.

This was my first time seeing this doctor, on a recommendation from a good friend, and I could not be happier with my choice. She's super calming and understanding. And The Hubby really liked her, so I'm so glad I picked her.

I will admit to be just as nervous and terrified for this appointment as I was excited.

I was hoping for a sonogram, but with that comes anxiety. What if we don't see what we should be seeing? What if these last 4 weeks were all I got?

As you can see, that was so not the case.

One beautiful baby. And one beautifully beating heart.

I still don't even have words for that feeling, the moment we saw that image.

Tears. Lots of tears.

Then, some added fun and laughs.

It's too hard to see in the picture up there, but baby was not quite measuring right. Dr. B did a double check on the information I had already given her. I was supposed to be 8wks 1d. And I have NO reason to doubt that. Despite not charting that cycle, I know from nearly two years of charting what my O date was within a day or two. Personally, I thought I was more along the lines of 8wks 3d, but was choosing to stay with the former.

Yeah, baby was measuring 8wks 6d. SIX!! DAYS!!

Since I know there is no possible way I'm almost a week ahead, Dr. B decided to leave my due date at November 18.

But, what this potentially means is I'm carrying a somewhat large baby. Yikes!

That's when The Hubby informed he was 9lbs 15oz. at birth. Double yikes!

I'm hoping all evens out in the end.

At any rate, the appointment was a huge success. I go back right at 12 weeks. We will hopefully hear the heartbeat, but Dr. B was quick to tell me that since I have an introverted uterus (which I, of course, knew from my sono at the RE), it was very possible that we still might not hear the heartbeat even at 12 weeks. But, she said if we couldn't hear with the doppler, we'd do another sonogram to see it.

So, now, I'm almost 9 weeks!! Nine weeks!! How did that happen?! (And I do promise a bumpdate this week and some other fun stuff.)

Seven Week Bumpdate

How far along? I can't believe I'm seven weeks!!

Weight gain/loss: No change from last week, which I'm looking at as a good thing!

Workout: Missed three workouts last week - two days of swimming and one BodyPump class. I'm okay with that decision. And I did skip today because I was just too damn tired. Plan for the week is to get my butt in bed on time every night so that I can get my butt out of bed every other day.

Maternity clothes?  Nope. I DID buy a few new tops last week because I didn't really have anything Spring-y to wear. I think I did a good job of buying things I will be able to wear for a little while before I need maternity tops and be able to wear after.

Stretch marks?  Only the already existing ones. Hehe.

Sleep?  Good besides getting up to pee once or twice. Occasionally, I have issues falling back to sleep from the nausea, but mostly, no problems.

Best moment this week?  Finally getting The Hubby to connect the fact that there is a baby coming to the fact that I am pregnant, and what all being pregnant means. Since then, he's been fabulous about paying attention to my needs!

Food cravings:  Still not too much. Mac 'n' cheese. And spaghetti and meatballs - specifically, my stepdad's spaghetti and meatballs. I almost called and asked him to make me some!

Gender:  Too early!

Belly button in or out?  Too early!

Movement?  WAY too early, but I CANNOT WAIT!
What I miss?  Not wanting to eat ALL.THE.TIME.

What I'm looking forward to:  One week until the doctor!! Shockingly, it's almost flown by! But, this week a new book from one of my favorite authors comes out on Tuesday, so that will keep me good a busy (already pre-ordered on my Nook). And the start of the MLB season, which means Opening Day at the Ballpark to see my Texas Rangers raise yet another AL Campionship banner!! It also means only a half day in the office and ballpark nachos!!!

Milestones:  Really, just plain being at 7 weeks. For some reason, it feels all that more real.

Life Savers

Sea bands. The only things remotely saving my sanity.
"Morning" sickness could certainly be worse. I have actually puked three times, but not bad at all. Mostly, it's just been the constant nausea and,  a few times a day, horrible gagging and dry heaving.
I've got crackers. They help some. Ginger Ale has been a surprising hit with my taste buds. I try not to have an empty stomach.
But nausea persisted.
Then, I remembered a friend wearing Sea Bands with her last pregnancy and asked her about them. She still had them in her desk drawer and let me try them.
Oh, the almost instant relief.
Nausea is not completely gone, but they take edge off and let me function a little better.
And they are safe. No meds. Just a button on pressure points - no harm to me or baby.
I've been a bit paranoid about wearing them at work, so visibly. In fact, not 5 minutes after I put them on the first day, I had to come up with a cover story when one of my team members came to my desk and asked about them. (Told her my migraines had been getting bad again and they help with the nausea from them.)
But, the relief I feel is so worth the possibility of being found out.

Six Week Bumpdate

How far along? Six weeks and a day or two

Weight gain/loss: Just stepped on the scale to see another couple pounds up. I really don't see how. I AM eating a little more, but I'm still working out and some days, I really don't feel like I'm eating enough. Time to start counting calories more closely.
Workout: Managed five days last week, including kickboxing on Saturday. Have a feeling I'm skipping today since I'm off work, have a lot to do, and sort of feeling crappy. Had some issues with nausea during BodyPump both days last week, but pulled through!

Maternity clothes? No even close, though I DID use the rubber band trick on my jeans Saturday night. The tummy bloat was a little much and I was much more comfortable that way.
 
Stretch marks? Of course now. Now would be a good time to say that I fully anticipate them, though. I've got them elsewhere on my body and have since I was a teenager, so I'm certain they are in my future.

Sleep?  Not terrible. I'm up once or twice a night to pee. Unfortunately, getting up causes nausea and/or heartburn to keep me up a little longer than I'd like, but it's not SO bad.
 
Best moment this week? Poker night with friends. Always fun and we did tell them the news, which was really fun.
  
Food cravings:  Still really nothing. Maybe grilled cheese sandwiches. I made a couple for dinner the other night and it was the best thing I'd eaten in days.

Gender: Way too early. The Hubby and I both seem to refer to Baby as "he" a lot, but who knows if that will pan out. For the record, I absolutely do NOT have a preference. Not one little bit.

Belly button in or out?   In, of course.
 
Movement?  WAY too early, but I CANNOT WAIT!
 
What I miss?  The desire for food. I want to eat because I get hungry and feel sick if I don't, but I take very little pleasure in food these days, which is sad to me.

What I'm looking forward to:  Still that first appointment. Two weeks from today!

Milestones:  I think I can say actual "morning" sickness has officially kicked in. And as crappy as I feel, bring it on.

Pregnancy after Infertility

Even typing out that title causes odd anxiety for me.

I've had issues with my own IF struggle, mostly since our diagnosis of unexplained. It's something I struggled with and still do. Logically, I know that not having a specific diagnosis and not going through treatments does not make me any less of an IF struggler. But, I've always felt in some ways "less" than the couples who have dealt with painful diagnoses and multiple failed treatment cycles. I know our struggles and pain are the same, but I know that the pain of shelling out money and taking time out of their lives and being poked and prodded even more IS harder. I know that.

But, the fact is I AM an infertility survivor.

But, that fact is more difficult to deal with and have people understand, I think when you conceive on your own even after so much time.

And that's where I struggle once again.

One of the most difficult things about IF is the bitterness it leaves you with. I fully admit to my bitterness over the last year and half or so. I've never shyed away from, but I've always tried to keep it in perspective.

You think that once you are pregnant, the bitterness will fade some. Not go away. I honestly hope that the struggle and pain I went through stays with me because I want to never make anybody else feel the way I've felt. I want to remember and be grateful every day for the gift that has been given to me.

But, there are still so many bitter feelings that have come out in me, partially due to things that have been said to me. Nobody has meant anything by them, but they are still hard to hear.

Both my mother and our best friend said to me "it's about time" when we told them I'm pregnant. Both are very well aware of how long we've tried and the pain we've gone through and how desperate we've been. Both were joking when they said it, but it still hurt like hell.

My SIL asked me if we'd "gone to the doctor" to get pregnant. Even she admitted it didn't matter, but the question rubbed me the wrong way. Why did it matter?

The two most recent people I've told made remarks that basically meant "oh, it just took time" or "you just needed to relax and not worry about it."

Those last two are the ones that hurt me the most. Partially because I feel that's what people think. That because I didn't end up needing treatment/intervention to get pregnant that somehow the only "issue" I had was impatience.

And sometimes I question that myself.

I KNOW it's not true. I KNOW that a diagnosis of unexplained does not mean there is nothing wrong, but rather nothing is obviously wrong. I KNOW that it wasn't because I stopped temping and stopped timing so hard that I got pregnant.

But people who don't understand IF don't know that. So, their comments still sting.

Do I believe that the timing was just right this time? That this was when it was meant to happen? Did I always have a gut feeling that I could conceive on my own?

Yeah. All of the above.

But that does not take away two and half years of heartache. It doesn't take away the pain of watching other have babies. Of not knowing what was going on with my body. Of fearing that I would never get the one thing I wanted more than anything in this world.

What others say and think shouldn't matter. And in the long run, they don't. But their words still cut.

To all of you beautiful, strong ladies who are struggling through treatments and still waging your battles, I pray for you every day. You are in my thoughts always. I will never forget that I was a small part of the IF community.

Even now, IF still sucks.

5 Week Bumpdate

The sheer excitement to start this weekly update is indescribable.

No bump picture this week, for obvious reasons. I think there is the smallest bit of bloat going on the evenings, obviously nothing else. And I have no interest in taking a picture of my currently flabby belly.

How far along? 5 weeks and a day or so (really wishing I'd been charting to I knew my exact O date; oh, well)

Weight gain/loss: Just going to lay it out there. I was at 174 the last time I weighed before finding out I'm pregnant. It had probably been a little over a week since I'd weighed and I'd missed some days of working out due to my own injury, a little pain/illness The Hubby was going through, and attending a wedding. I will also admit to some stress eating from work stress. So, when I weighed on Wednesday, the day after finding out, I was at 177. So, I'm using that as my starting weight. I will be weighing on Sundays or Mondays from this point as that's when my new week starts and when I will do these updates. The scale showed one pound up from last week.

Workout Note: I'm adding this one for my own little accountability. I am trying to continue as much of my regular workout as possible. Previously, I was on a routine of M/F - hour cardio split between bike/treadmill/ellipical, very heavy pace, very high heart rate; T/Th - 20min. elliptical, hour BodyPump class (strength training w/cardio), 25min. elliptical, very heavy pace very high heart rate; W - 20min. elliptical, hourlong Nike Training Club (boot camp/circuit training), incredibly high paced, lots of impact moves; Sat. - cardio kickboxing, crazy high paced and heart rate. When I injured myself a few weeks back, I'd taken off a day of NTC and actually stopped my cardio machines altogether and started swimming a little. My goal is to continue working out as much as possibly can. I am already overweight, but getting into shape and I don't want to lose that. And I know how good it will be for me during pregnany, during labor/delivery, and after birth. My current routine is M/F - swimming (hour), T/Thu - 20min. ellipitical, BodyPump (with some lower weights; modifications will come as I progress), W - probably an hour on the elliptical, S - cardio kickboxing (LOTS of breaks, LOTS of water, and no impact moves).

Feeling:  Mostly okay. Nausea here and there, but mostly if  I'm going too long without eating. Tummy issues here and there, but mostly food related - I've apparently developed a bit of lactose intolerance, which is really annoying because I'm a big-time dairy girl. Lactaid is my new BFF. Beyond that, absolutely elated and could not care less when I feel like crap.

Maternity clothes:  Uh, no. Not even close.

Sleep:  There's not enough of it, but that was true pre-pregnancy. I think I've gotten up to pee at least once a night every night, but usually something else has woken me up. I don't seem to be sleeping as soundly, but I am sleeping.

Food cravings:  More like does anything sound good? I have little desire for anything I usually love (pasta, chocolate) and feel better when I eat real, whole meals.

Movement:  Way too early!

Best moment this week:  Those two beautiful lines (on all three tests) and the digital read out: "pregnant". (And I may or may not have 4 more digitals to take.)

What I'm looking forward to:  My first appointment can't get here soon enough. I'm praying we get the chance to see our little (insert cute name here; still trying to decide on one, suggestions welcome). And telling more people. Yes, a lot of people already know, but there an important few who I can't wait to tell.

Next Appointment:  April 9

Milestones:  Baby is the size of an appleseed this week and will begin developing his/her little heart. Mommy can't wait to hear it beat.

Promise all weekly updates will NOT be this long and involved!

14

As of tonight, 14 is the number of people we have told.
That is an insanely large number for five weeks.
When we started this journey so long ago, I was adamant that no one know before the end of first trimester.
I was also adamant that know one know we were trying.
Ha!
I had decided many months ago that keeping the secret was no longer as appealing as it once was. Going through IF, and having people go through it with us, change my feelings. If people could know about the struggle, shouldn't they  get to celebrate its end with us? And, if these people were close enough to share IF with, they'd be close enough to know if something were to go wrong with the pregnancy.
If I'd had it my way, all of six people would know right now. But, I couldn't make my mom keep it from my stepdad. If my parents were going to know, how could I really keep The Hubby from telling his parents. And sister and her husband live with my inlaws, do they had to know.
I get nervous with each new person who knows so early. I'm still 3/4 weeks away from seeing the doctor and many weeks away from second tri.
But, I have to believe in the positive. I have believe there is no reason to worry.

Anatomy of a BFP

First things first, I have to thank the lovely ladies who commented on the picture of my two beautiful lines and offered their congratulations and love. I have never met any of you, but I want to hug each and every one of you because you are important to me in ways you will never know.

How was this THE cycle? I honestly haven't got a clue.

I could type out a play-by-play, but I don't feel like it matters. I will say that some stressors were taken out of our life right at the start of this cycle and it really changed our whole outlook on life. For the first time ever, I had what I believe was an ovulation migraine (I get migraines, but never at this time of my cycle except when I was getting them regularly years ago). Oh, and there was the shower sex (some of you TTGP oldies will totally get this reference).

I wasn't charting. I was barely trying. We did have sex twice during fertile week, but I have no idea where our timing was since I wasn't charting and confirm when I O'd.

But, whatever was happening, it really didn't even occur to me it would happen this cycle. Really, why would it? After this long of trying on our own, I'd really resigned myself to needing treatment and not giving birth before the age of 35. It just wasn't in the cards. And I was okay. I was formulating a plan.

Oh, plans.

For two and half years, I've had my hopes dashed time after time to the point where hope - when it came to this subject - was nearly lost. Optimism was mostly a thing of the past.

That's why it took me until CD30 to buy a test. That I wouldn't take until the next day.

I was terrified. I was beyond terrified. I'd been wondering for three days. I'd had no normal PMS symptoms, but still spend all of CD29 convincing myself that I was cramping and having my normal stomach issues. I dreaded going to the bathroom, but every time I did, I fully expected to see the worst.

But, it kept not happening. And the longer it didn't happen, the more scared I got. I couldn't even tell The Hubby. I couldn't handle his disappointment when the inevidible happened.

By CD30 when still nothing, I couldn't deny the fact that it was time to test. I was shaking all day. I finally told The Hubby at an early dinner and he did a really good job of staying calm, thank God.

I must have looked like some scared teenager buying the tests. I stared at them for a long time, shaking as I picked it up and placed it into my basked, tears in my eyes. Anyone who was paying attention probably would have sworn I was praying to not be pregnant.

I nearly threw up when the damn box was scanned. How many times had I done this? How many times had I wasted my money? How many times had I been wrong?

I bought the three pack because they were cheaper. First Response. At CD30, when my two longest cycles had been 30 and 31 days, no sense in messing around with the Dollar Store cheapies.

I actually considered testing that night. If The Hubby had not napped on the bed while I worked my way through my DVR, I'd have probably done it. But, I chickened out. There was some cramping. I just knew I'd wasted my money again.

I've had a pattern lately of waking up a good 30 minutes before my already ridiculously early alarm. When I looked at the clock, I tried to formulate a plan. Get up at the second alarm instead of the third to have more time to test before going to the gym.

Yep, I was still thinking about the gym. I was telling myself, gym either way. But, truthfuly, I wasn't fully fathoming an actual positive result.

Second alarm went off. I did not get out of bed. Too scared. Nearly in tears from the fear. Convincing myself that we wouldn't need the extra time because it would be negative and I'd just want to hurry on to the gym to work out my frustrations.

Last alarm. No choice but to get up.

I long ago stopped peeing directly on the stick. I think I got burned by that once. Peed on the stick only to discover seconds later it was completely unnecessary. So, cup it was.

I watched the window and immediately saw the left line come in. I've seen enough to know that is NOT where the control line comes in.

But, I still waited.

It took a couple more seconds for the control line to come in.

I was staring at two lines.

All I could do was cry. And shake.

I opened the bathroom door and could only manage to get out "Baby! Baby!" to wake up The Hubby.

He threw back the covers from a dead sleep. I don't even know if I said anything but just turned the test around for him to see.

He stumbled into the bathroom, didn't even grab his glasses, to see the lines. And he just hugged me and we cried.

I had to laugh because he got his phone out first to take pictures. Then I took one.

We just started giggling. He asked if we should still go to the gym. Hell yeah! I felt fine. No reason not to go.

The moment still feels surreal. After so many tests with that one horrible line, I stopped being able to picture my own two lines.

I'm probably nuts, but I only took the one test. It was all I needed.

Now, for the standard TTGP rundown.

What I did differently: Nothing. No, I didn't chart, but that really didn't make a difference as far as the actual trying part. I did experience my first ever ovulation migraine (look it up, it's real). Don't know if something different was going on with my body, but there it is. I will say that I was a little lighter on my workouts during the 2ww, but not for purposes of trying. I had an injury as well as some work stress, so I was resting my leg and missed a couple of workouts/replaced a couple of workouts with swimming. I've done little to no exercise many times before, so I do not believe that has any bearing.

Symptoms: Lack of PMS symptoms were the biggest. No crazy carb/pasta cravings. That should have been my biggest clue. No extreme mood swings/overreacting outburts. Big clue #2. SOOOOORRRRREEEEE boobs. My girls tend to get pretty tender from a couple DPO to a couple days before CD1, but usually only the nipples. This has been mostly nipple area, but really just heaviness and swelling in the entire boob. I've had cramping and tummy issues similar, but not quite to PMS/period issues. I've actually noticed a pattern now for the last three nights of cramping/heartburn/gas pains around 8:00. Heartburn is another one. Nearly every food has given it to me.

I've got an appointment with my new OB for around 8 weeks. The person who answered the phone when I called was the first person I actually said "I'm pregnant" to.

I still can't believe it's real. It's so odd this early because nothing has changed. My body doesn't really feel or look different (minor symptoms aside). But, I know.

I go into my backyard to take the dogs out like I do every morning, only now I know I'm pregnant.
I get my weights readyfor BodyPump, and I know I'm pregnant.
I plug in my Zune in the car and sing at the top of my lungs. And I know I'm pregnant.

I am pregnant.

Two Beautiful Lines

"Blessed"

"Blessed"

"Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

 

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed"

                                  - Bernie Taupin (lyrics)

                                     (performed/music by Elton John)

Just Not Feeling It

We've never taken a break cycle. Not once in over two years.

There have been cycles where things happened - timing wasn't going to work, illness - but even then, we had at least a shot. And we did put forth an effort for that one shot.

But, I'm not sure I have the effort in me this cycle.

And I don't feel that bad about it.

I'm in this place right now where it's just not happening and I feel like each attempt is futile.

And I'm very focused on weight loss and working out right now. Not that the two are independent of each other, but I'm tired a lot of the time from the schedule I'm keeping and the energy for the effort just isn't there.

I'm charting again this month, but even that is not motivating - it might almost be the opposite of motivating.

We'll see what happens. We won't TTA, but I'm just too tired of planning it right now and need to not do that.

I need to continue on this path that I've set forth for my health goals.

I need to regroup.

I need to formulate a plan for our next steps, whatever they may be.

I need to just be.

Thank God for Exercise Endorphins

That's the only real explanation I've got right now.

I was pretty okay through the first bit of spotting. But, still I played head games with myself all day yesterday because the spotting went away. But, by the time I was getting ready for my warm bath last night and the cramps had amped up, I was prepared for what I saw. I took my bath and talked myself down from a breakdown.

Then, I went postal during a minor disagreement with The Hubby.

And lied to him about why.

Because I didn't want that to be the reason why, once again.

And the thing is, I'm really okay with it not being this month. I'm never going to be happy about it and I'm never going to not wish this had been it, but I'm in an okay enough place that I was really looking at the positives of one more month of not being pregnant.

But, I do get angry at myself for the hope I let in. I can't help it. It comes in even as I point out to myself all the reasons this cycle wasn't the one.

And then there are the physical reminders. The blood is one thing. I can handle it. But, these cramps? Those just throw me over the edge. It's like my body says, no, it's not bad enough that you don't get to be pregnant, let me also make you as uncomfortable as possible and doubled over in pain. Yeah, that would be fun.

But, back to those endorphins.

I blame them for my still positive outlook. I am offiicially back in the zone. I don't hit the alarm every morning and hope The Hubby might not want to go to the gym. We just go. Even on Saturdays, we just go, no questioning whether we could skip just one day.

And I'm LOVING my workouts. I've got a great routine that I'm really enjoying. I'm challenging myself with little goals every day, including adding more time two to three days a week. I feel SO good when I'm done working out and for hours after.

So, for that, I'm so grateful. And I'm even happy to have a little more time to lose some more weight. Who would have ever thought I'd say that?

I would give it all up in a heartbeat if I had to (not that I would because now that I've built up my routine, I will be able to continue without much modification if I do get pregnant), but it's not the worst thing in the world that I get to keep up what I'm doing.

See this positivity I have?

Think I'll just ride that out for awhile.

(Until 5 minutes from now when I have a minor breakdown at my desk because hormones suck.)

Just Getting It Out There

I need these thoughts out of my head.

Body, can you please quit screwing with my mind.

Mind, can you please stop reading into things.

For the love of God, I want to be a sane person again.

CD28. That's all I've got. No charting for me, so best I can go off of is CM. I O'd anywhere from CD13 to CD16; I'm guessing CD15. That would put me at 13DPO.

But, I can't go by that.

All I can really go by is that my longest cycle - with a "later" O - was 31 days. So, I'm still three/four days out from thinking anything.

Of course, two "short" cycles in a row have messed with  my mind a little. CD28 is "late" after 25- and 26-day cycles.

But, that means nothing.

No cramping. Semi-sort boobs, but really just the nipples and that could easily be from any friction with my more intense workouts.

What appeared to be a little blood with an internal check last night. Nothing more.

Am I craving carbs? Who can tell? I've been on a diet/eating healthier since the first of the year, so craving something like mac 'n' cheese would not be so crazy. But, I certainly haven't been in a HAVE TO HAVE IT mood, but that could also be because I am really committed to losing weight.

Am I PMS'ing? Who the hell knows? I'm so hormonal ALL the time that I can't really tell the difference anymore. Usually, I do have some sort of unreasonable meltdown. I may have had that last week, but it also  may have been perfectly justifiable.

Bottom line is I have no freaking idea what the hell is going and it's not really driving me crazy. I'm not thinking about it ALL the time or obssessing.

But, it does drive me a little bit crazy because I'm just so tired of this game.

So, now that it is out there in the universe, I have no doubt that I will start within the next 24 hours.

That's how this little game works.

I'm Not Gonna Lie

The BFP I just read stung.

And I realize this is two posts in a row about someone else's BFP and my not so happy reaction to them.

It's called hormones.

A lovely lady I've known on The Bump message boards for nearly two years now just announced her second pregnancy.

Second.

She and I were on the same cycle when she conceived her first. I was ecstatic for her. And I am this time too, as I've continued to follow her blog and think she is just a fabulous mommy.

But, gosh, she and I started trying for our first at the same time and she's now having her second.

And I have none.

I hate bitterness.

I hate that it's who I am.

Mchup - If you are reading this, please know I am absolutely thrilled for you and your family. I can't wait to read about this adventure.

It's Finally Happened

I finally feel like the last non-pregnant female on the planet.

And I feel like such a hypocrit for the feelings I'm having.

I have long been a pusher of not letting other pregnancies get you down. Like any other IFer, of course hearing about other pregnancies makes me a little sad and wistful and, on a bad day, pissed. Those feelings are never directed at the mommy-to-be or her pregnancy or baby. Those feelings are always about me and my situation.

The lastest Facebook announcement finally go to me, though.

And I hate myself for the feelings I have.

I wished I'd never "friended" this person to begin with. We were friends in middle school and freshman year of high school, then we had a falling out. I have no idea what caused other than the fact that I found her to be completely annoying and didn't agree with some of her choices in life. She decided she was going to stop talking to me and I had better friends. We barely spoke more than a few words to each other over the next three years despite mutual friends and being apart of the same close-knit choir. We were "okay" by the time we graduated (no hard feelings), but we were never friends again. We have quite a few mutual friends on Facebook, so last year, I decided that 15 years later, it was okay to at least be Facebook friends again.

Oh, how I wish I hadn't opened that door.

This girl is a fun combination of attention whore and hypochondriac. Every post is so long that it has at least one comment because she ran out of room to say what she wanted to say in the post, so she had to comment to get the rest out. And the posts are usually long descriptions of her latest medical woe (pain, illness, etc.) and/or her latest trip to the doctor or ER (where they are convinced she just keeps coming in for Vicodin  -  I'm a little inclined to agree) or how she can't get any relief.

And if it's not the medical woes, it's bitching about her family or the Navy or the other Navy wives or her husband or, most recently, how the Navy has unfairly released her husband from duty early (that one is a legitimate complaint and I actually do feel really bad for them in that situation).

A few months back, she started really complaining about endometriosis. Now, my mother had endo and my aunt suffered horribly (it was the reason she could never get pregnant; when she finally had her hyserectomy, her doctor said it was like concrete in there), so I had all the sympathy in the world for the gal's plight - except that I couldn't understand why she felt the need to detail her cycle (bleeding, cramps, PMS) on such a public forum.

The first I knew she was TTC was when she bitched about how someone shouldn't tell her that she shouldn't complain about not getting pregnant when she already had two kids. No idea who or what she was talking about, but I commented. I told her that she had every right to be sad if was not happening and that secondary IF is no picnic, but that she had no idea what it was like to be suffering through IF and have no kids. Should I have done that? No. But, I felt the need.

Later, when she was putting out all this information about her cycles, I tried to offer some sympathy and help. All that got me was bitched out by some other friend of hers and no response from her.

I should have "unfriended" right then and there. Instead, I just skipped over her posts.

Before bed last night, I checked Facebook on phone one last time.

And there it is - a 5wk6day sonogram picture.

No other pregnancy has made me want to literally hit something.

Given the pain she had to endure to get there, I'm happy for her.

But, this stung. Even though her pregnancy has nothing to do with my reproduction, it just plain makes me feel like more of a failure. She has Endo and PCOS and can get pregnant on her own in less than a year? And I am seemingly the picture of fertile health and can't after more than two years?

And I'm sure part of how I'm feeling is because it is her. I probably should just unfriend at this point. I mean, who posts a sonogram picture on Facebook at 5 weeks? That was the last post I saw before bed. The first post I saw when I got on this morning? Her wondering if it was crazy to go to the store at midnight for a craving.

I've never unfriended someone on Facebook. I've not even hidden someone who was pregnant (except for one girl the day she gave birth because I didn't feel like reading her play-by-play from the delivery room).

My mantra has always been pregnancy is part of life. Someone else's pregnancy is not meant to piss me off or rub my face in it.

But, I don't think I can handle this one.

Not when I truly feel like the odd man out for the first time.

Welcome 2012

I don't think I have ever been so glad to see last year go and a new year come in.

Without a doubt, 2011 was my least favorite year.

Absolutely, there were some great things: layoffs at work rescinded, the Mavs winning their first NBA championship, celebrating 10 years with The Hubby.

The year had its highlights.

But, overall, 2011 will not be remembered as a happy year.

I can only pray now that 2012 will make up for all the bad 2011 left in its wake.

I have to believe there will peace from all the pain brought from the loss of our friend John. His death will live with all of us for the rest of our lives, but I pray that the coming year will bring a start to healing and peace.

And my prayer for this coming year is strength and peace as we move forward in this world that is IF.

2011 brought nothing good. I spent most of the year swallowed in pain and anger and heartache and depression.

I only hope that some of the peace I startes to find will strengthen as I move into this new year.

I'm not a person to set goals or make resolutions. I feel too much pressure and sort of end up sabotaging myself.

So, I just try to look for fresh starts. Ways I can change my behavior, things I want to try.

My fresh starts for 2011 really revolve around focusing on the positive. And focusing on me - something I am really bad at.

On my birthday, I bought a little notebook/journal. The cover reads "Live in Hope." My hope is to try every night to find a quote for my day, pinpoint something that inspired me, note what I did for myself that day, list my accomplishments, and focus on what I am thankful for.

I am not going to set a goal of doing it every night, but I will attempt it.

I don't know where it will lead.

I don't know where this coming year will lead me.

But I am going into it with fresh eyes, a fresh outlook.

Happy New Year to all - may this year bring you happiness.

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