That's the only real explanation I've got right now.
I was pretty okay through the first bit of spotting. But, still I played head games with myself all day yesterday because the spotting went away. But, by the time I was getting ready for my warm bath last night and the cramps had amped up, I was prepared for what I saw. I took my bath and talked myself down from a breakdown.
Then, I went postal during a minor disagreement with The Hubby.
And lied to him about why.
Because I didn't want that to be the reason why, once again.
And the thing is, I'm really okay with it not being this month. I'm never going to be happy about it and I'm never going to not wish this had been it, but I'm in an okay enough place that I was really looking at the positives of one more month of not being pregnant.
But, I do get angry at myself for the hope I let in. I can't help it. It comes in even as I point out to myself all the reasons this cycle wasn't the one.
And then there are the physical reminders. The blood is one thing. I can handle it. But, these cramps? Those just throw me over the edge. It's like my body says, no, it's not bad enough that you don't get to be pregnant, let me also make you as uncomfortable as possible and doubled over in pain. Yeah, that would be fun.
But, back to those endorphins.
I blame them for my still positive outlook. I am offiicially back in the zone. I don't hit the alarm every morning and hope The Hubby might not want to go to the gym. We just go. Even on Saturdays, we just go, no questioning whether we could skip just one day.
And I'm LOVING my workouts. I've got a great routine that I'm really enjoying. I'm challenging myself with little goals every day, including adding more time two to three days a week. I feel SO good when I'm done working out and for hours after.
So, for that, I'm so grateful. And I'm even happy to have a little more time to lose some more weight. Who would have ever thought I'd say that?
I would give it all up in a heartbeat if I had to (not that I would because now that I've built up my routine, I will be able to continue without much modification if I do get pregnant), but it's not the worst thing in the world that I get to keep up what I'm doing.
See this positivity I have?
Think I'll just ride that out for awhile.
(Until 5 minutes from now when I have a minor breakdown at my desk because hormones suck.)
I was pretty okay through the first bit of spotting. But, still I played head games with myself all day yesterday because the spotting went away. But, by the time I was getting ready for my warm bath last night and the cramps had amped up, I was prepared for what I saw. I took my bath and talked myself down from a breakdown.
Then, I went postal during a minor disagreement with The Hubby.
And lied to him about why.
Because I didn't want that to be the reason why, once again.
And the thing is, I'm really okay with it not being this month. I'm never going to be happy about it and I'm never going to not wish this had been it, but I'm in an okay enough place that I was really looking at the positives of one more month of not being pregnant.
But, I do get angry at myself for the hope I let in. I can't help it. It comes in even as I point out to myself all the reasons this cycle wasn't the one.
And then there are the physical reminders. The blood is one thing. I can handle it. But, these cramps? Those just throw me over the edge. It's like my body says, no, it's not bad enough that you don't get to be pregnant, let me also make you as uncomfortable as possible and doubled over in pain. Yeah, that would be fun.
But, back to those endorphins.
I blame them for my still positive outlook. I am offiicially back in the zone. I don't hit the alarm every morning and hope The Hubby might not want to go to the gym. We just go. Even on Saturdays, we just go, no questioning whether we could skip just one day.
And I'm LOVING my workouts. I've got a great routine that I'm really enjoying. I'm challenging myself with little goals every day, including adding more time two to three days a week. I feel SO good when I'm done working out and for hours after.
So, for that, I'm so grateful. And I'm even happy to have a little more time to lose some more weight. Who would have ever thought I'd say that?
I would give it all up in a heartbeat if I had to (not that I would because now that I've built up my routine, I will be able to continue without much modification if I do get pregnant), but it's not the worst thing in the world that I get to keep up what I'm doing.
See this positivity I have?
Think I'll just ride that out for awhile.
(Until 5 minutes from now when I have a minor breakdown at my desk because hormones suck.)
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