Thankful Thursday

Because my previous post was negative and I don't want to leave that out here, I'm going to go ahead and take the time to write this out.

A few of my fellow blog friends do a "Thankful Thursday" post; it's also something we frequently do on The Bump boards to remind us that we have many things and people to be thankful in spite of how we sometimes feel.

Of course, I could name so many. Usually, I like to steer away from The Hubby because there is never any doubt that I am thankful for him (despite any bitching and nagging) every second of every day.

The thing I am so thankful and grateful for right now has been something I've always had but it's something you don't always recognize the importance of until you are in a situation when you need it.

Friendship.

I've never been the person with a lot of friends. Really, I've gone through muliple periods in my life where I've had virtually no friends at all. But, I've also gone through periods in my life where I've had great, true friendships.

I am very thankful that this period of my life is one of the latters.

And the really awesome thing is that my friends come from so many places.

When it became clear that we were truly struggling to get pregnant, I turned very strongly to The Bump message boards. I needed to talk to people who were going through the same things and could understand my feelings and frustrations.

This has led me to some amazing women who I am so proud to call my friends even though I've never even met them in person. But, they know where I'm coming from and understand when all I have are negative and hopeless feelings. We can answer each others' questions and give advice.

I am so thankful for these friendships because they have really pulled, and continue to pull, me through this journey.

But, the reason I turned to these friends was because I felt as though my real life friends, though they knew what was going on, could not understand or didn't want to hear or know about what was happening with me. There was nothing they ever said or did to make me feel that way, this was just my perception of the situation. I felt like because they couldn't relate, they didn't want to or know how to talk to me about these things. And I also felt like I didn't want to depress them with my struggles or make them feel sorry for me or even just bore them.

This was incredibly unfair of me.

Fortunately, these friends did not realize what I was doing or, if they did, chose to look past it and forgive me.

And surprise me.

I don't really know why it would surprise me at all. This is not the first "crisis" situation I've been in, but this was different. But, they've been right there for me.

All I ever had to do was let them in. They may not truly understand, but they can still offer support.

And that's the most important thing. I don't need words of encouragement. But, I need them to acknowledge what is happening with me. That makes me feel better than anything.

That they see I'm having a tough time and let me vent, even if what I'm venting about is absurd.

That they ask where I am in the process or ask questions about things they don't know about.

That they don't pity me when I'm wallowing in self-pity and have to take days off work because I can't deal with being around people.

That they ask about doctor's appointments.

That they will offer prayers and support and good thoughts.

I am incredibly lucky to have friends like this. So many ladies on the boards talk about the people in their lives, their friends, who only make them feel worse about their situations. I can totally empathize with that as there are people in my life who have not offered quite the same support. But, thankfully, I have others who do.

It's Thankful Thursday, and I'm thankful for my friends. You know who you are and I love all of you more than I could ever say.

Out of The Hubby's Mouth: Welfare

All we need to do, baby, have no money or be on welfare and we'd get pregnant.

This is tacky and I know it. And it's not even accurate in regards to the majority of the pregnancies in our life. But, sometimes it feels that way.

The Hubby got a text today from his oldest friend in the world (they are exactly 9 months apart in age and grew up across the street from each other). He got married in October, rather quickly, and my selfish self waited to find out that his new wife pregnant. She was not. Now, she is. He already has a 6-year-old from a previous relationship.

I hate that my first reaction was to laugh and say "of course." It's mean and hateful and selfish, and I know it. But, it's just one more in a long line of everybody having babies before us. And even The Hubby feels it now too, which prompted the above comment.

I'm going to try very hard now to move past this. I'm, of course, happy for them. I don't know his wife very well, but R is a great guy and wonderful daddy to our beautiful goddaughter.

I cannot let it put a damper on my renewed spirit, which I was just thinking about on my drive home.

I really feel more in control and, once again, feel like this could happen. And The Hubby has been so onboard, telling people what we're going through and helping me plan the timing for his SA.

It's hard to remember that this is our struggle and our journey and it doesn't involve anybody else. It's not a race, it's not a contest, all these other babies are not our baby.

But sometimes you just have to laugh at the universe.

D-Day

Doctor Day?

Today was the day. Eighteen months in the making. RE day.

I had my first appointment with my new RE today. Dr. Robert Kaufmann of Fort Worth Fertility.

First, I really liked all of the people in his office. They were all very friendly and personable, which is sort of important for me going into something like this. It's clinical and emotional enough without the people acting like it's not at all personal.

Next, can I say thank God for insurance. Correction--thank God for MY insurance. I have one very dear friend who has coverage and desperately needs it. She has actual known issues, but to go any further, everything will be OOP. That is so not fair. It makes me all the more grateful that everything I had done today was $20 (though, I do imagine I'll get billed for a little more than that co-pay).

I love Dr. Kaufmann. One my lovely 3T Bump ladies is a patient and it was her rave review that really pushed me to Dr. Kaufmann. She said he was really nice and personable and she was so right. He did not talk down to me. He did not pity me. He was very interested--in more than just my fertility. He clearly had sympathy for my emotional state. He was very proactive. And he said I was young! I love him for that alone. I am not one to feel old, but this whole process of TTC has made me feel a little bit that way. So, I loved that my DOCTOR told me I'm young, even in TTC terms.

The appointment itself consisted of filling out a lot of paperwork and then a sitdown with Dr. Kaufmann and one of the other doctors. He went over my history in my words. And then we discussed steps. Since my HSG in September was clear (he took my word on that as they don't have my files from my OB/GYN yet), the next steps he wanted were a sonogram of my eggs (or, rather, the follicles that stimulate egg growth) and the SA for The Hubby. He wanted the sonogram today and the SA as soon as possible.

Since we live so close, The Hubby has the option of procuring his sample at home and we can bring it into the clinic. (I had a good little laugh with myself while waiting to see the doctor while thinking of a scene in "Forget Paris." Debra Winger and Billy Crystal are TTC and seeing a specialist. He has to give his sample but has trouble doing it in the office, so he asks if he can go home. They tell him it has to be there within the hour and he says "Perfect! I ejaculate 30 minutes from here!" Hehe.) Due to some medical issues on his part, I'm not 100% certain that will get done this week, but hopefully the beginning of next at the latest. We've got all the equipment for it, so we just need the time.

The sonogram--or dildo cam as we lovingly refer to it on the Bump--was an experience. Pain/discomfort was more than a Pap, but way less than the HSG. I think part of the issue was just due to where I still am in my cycle. At CD3, I've still got some pain and discomfort from cramping and such. Though, he did admit to being a little rough. Emotionally, there was the whole thing of wanting your first sonogram to be of a baby, not stupid follies.

There may or may not be an issue with my follies, it turns out. He said he likes to see 5 in each ovary. I had 6 in one and 4 in the other. He wasn't worries, but he did say that it was less than average for what he would expect and want for someone my age, but it may or may not be causing any issues. Because of that finding and since I was lucky to be in CD3, he did decide to draw blood for the the AMH (anti mullerian hormone)--he was very impressed that I knew what that was, thank you 3T! He said he doesn't necessarily do CD3 b/w (as a matter of face, I'm pretty sure he was not going to do it until what he saw on the sonogram), but it was warranted. He did also mentioned that my uterus is tilted, which is actually more common that I ever knew and doesn't mean anything other than it's at a different angle. It has no bearing on fertility, which I already knew.

I'm not concerned about that finding as of right now, but I do think he was a bit more concerned than his words were telling me he was.

As for the plan, he told me what the next normal steps are. Of course, much of it will depend on the findings of all tests--both mine and The Hubby's. Most likely, though, we would be headed straight for IUI--I love that he even used the old turkey baster reference for that. He suspects, especially given that my tubes are clear and now that he didn't see anything abnormal (such as possible endometriosis) on the sonogram, that we might be headed for unexplained IF. Basically, that means that all the known causes will have been checked and cleared, so they won't really know where my issue is. In that case, IUI would be our best bet.

He said we could, and many couples do, opt for just fertility drugs (Clomid) initially, but with all else looking good, that only increases our chanced each month by about 1%. I ovulate, I ovulate regularly, I clearly have plenty of follies (even if I have slightly fewer than average), and I have no blockages. So, drugs alone would not really be of much help to me.

Last resort, in his mind, unless we are dealing with major issues--and he doesn't even consider a slightly low sperm count a major issue--would be IVF. He said some opt to go straight for that, but monetarily, he thinks it is wise to try IUI first. I wish I could remember how much the chances increase for IUI, but I don't. He did say there is a 60% chance of taking home a baby with IVF at my age.

For me, I feel like we are still a cycle or two away from that major decision. Even IUI still scares me because it still involves drugs and all the fun hormones that come with it. And, we will need to get in writing everything our insurance covers. I know mine covers quite a bit, but I don't know all the specifics.

So, as all the 3T ladies have said, I do feel so much clearer. It was nice to have some control (even Dr. K mentioned that--that by being there, I was taking back some control over the process). I feel better knowing that we will have some answers. Even if some of the answers are bad or not what I want to hear, there will be no more awful waiting and thinking we've done everything right only to be disappointed over and over.

Thank you everybody for the support, especially the last few days. They were rough, but I promise I'm not a crazy person. I was better before and now I'm feeling really good!

Fuck You, Body/Last Chances

Sorry if vulgar language offends.

My blog, my words.

And those are the only ones I have right now.

I am so far beyond pissed off right now, most other words escape me.

I tested last night because The Hubby couldn't stand it. He was so anxious. When I got home from the store, it had only been a little over an hour since the last time I'd peed, so I told him we'd have to wait. Then I stupidly told him about my signs.

I think I've mentioned this before, but one of the things I happen to pray for, mostly at the end of the 2ww, is a sign. Last month, I was answered with spotting. Last night, after grabbing the box of tests from the shelf, I walked back down the aisle, which put me out facing an endcap on the greeting cards aisle. The endcap held all kinds of gift-type books and, very randomly (it obviously did not belong there), "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." Yeah, my mind went there. Then, when I got back into the car, a Taylor Swift song was playing. Can't stand her, so immediately switched back to my other favorite station. Black Eyed Peas "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night." Yep, mind went there too. And then I shared with The Hubby.

So, we ate dinner and watched a movie. Guess what we watched? "Due Date." (Robert Downey, Jr. and that guy from "The Hangover.") Maybe that was stupid, but the title didn't really click for me. The Hubby said maybe it was another sign. As soon as the movie was over, he jumped up and said "let's go!"

This would have been such a cute story if had turned out positive.

I still took the dogs out because I was stalling. I had to tell The Hubby to let me do the first part (peeing in a cup, checking for spotting one last time before breaking open the test) by myself. I dipped the test and opened the door. He was standing in the bedroom with his hands clasped in prayer. He came into the bathroom and told me not to look, that he'd look.

We didn't time it exactly, but I knew the other line should have shown up. He was silent, so I asked. Nothing.

I only teared up a little, not wanting to get him too upset. He tried to be positive.

I temped again this morning. down .02 from yesterday, so it definitely did not go back up today. I got up three hours later to possibly test again.

Didn't even waste the second test. Blood during the internal CM check made that unneccessary.

So, for the second time, my body has decided that it would be really fun to get my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, I would not have to do testing.

This was it.

Last chance for a 2011 baby.

Last chance for a baby before I turn 34.

Last chance at a regular, non-monitored, not-medicated cycle of trying.

Last chance for the really old-fashioned way.

Last chance, quite possibly, for a baby at all.

I promise I'm not being overly dramatic. I just don't know what's going to happen in the coming month(s) with testing and the decisions we'll have to make. We don't have a lot of money, so a lot of options may be beyond our reach.

So, yeah, I guess I did have more words.

But, fuck you, body are still the ones I'm sticking with.

Two Hours

In just under two hours, I will be making a trip to Walgreens.

I will be purchasing HPTs.

I am 14DPO and no period.

I have gone this long one other time.

If my body is playing mind games on me, I might lose my mind.

If I look back at my charts, it says I had a 14-day LP two times: my first cycle charting and Cycle 12 of trying. The one my first month of charting may or may not be terribly accurate. I don't know for sure if I peed before or after midnight (I do realize that most REs would say anything after noon or 6:00pm would be CD1 the next day, but FF doesn't work that way). That was the night we spent at the hospital with The Hubby's BFF the night his dad died. I didn't pee for hours because of everything going on and I feel confident that had I, I would have had flow earlier in the evening.

The Cycle 12, I fully believe, was my body saying "hahahahahaha" because I was supposed to call the doctor to start testing if I wasn't pregnant. That time, I had tested on 13DPO and 14DPO. And I was feeling pretty crampy and just feeling like my period was starting.

I don't even know how I feel today. I thought yesterday and a lot of today that I've been feeling crampy. But, I've also had some stomach issues and since my period/PMS comes with stomach issues, it's hard to decipher. They are definitely NOT normal period cramps. I've not had any spotting, not even with internal CM checks. Working in the yard today, I was very shaky and just felt off. I had eaten a pretty good breakfast, but had to come in and eat a banana. But, I also don't know if I'm making this all up in my head and reading too much into things.

The Hubby wants me to test tonight. I'm not convinced.

I'm also refusing to even go to Walgreens until right before they close. I want to give my period every opportunity to show up before I spend the money.

This is the first time I have ever waited until I am officially wait to test for the first time.

I'm all kinds of scared. I'm so afraid that I will be disappointed. And I wouldn't be disappointed. I would be crushed. And that Cycle 12 where I went so long? Yeah, my period didn't even start until way late in the day. So, it almost makes me want to wait until Monday to test.

But, it will be tomorrow. I can't go another day like today.

A little over an hour and half to go . . .

Out of The Hubby's Mouth: Comforting Words

"Listen honey!!! I will do whatever it takes. I want this as bad as you do I promise, just let me know what I need to do. I promise you even if there is something wrong with me we will have a baby even if we adopt. I have to have that in my life. And I know you do too."

[Insert tears from me in the gym locker room--AFTER I put on my makeup.]

"I know I need to be more sensitive to your needs and I will be. Ijust love you so much and I don't like seeing you upset and to see all the stress you put on yourself. It kills me, and it makes life so much harder and doesn't improve or solve the problem."

"Let's embrace whatever comes our way and turn it into something positive."

Text messages from The Hubby received this morning after a particularly rough night. I'm a freaking basketcase right now and am taking it out too much on him. But, just because he knows, doesn't mean he understands fully (how exactly can he possibly comprehend the raging hormones and emotions I've got going on? I don't even understand them) what I'm feeling, so we fight.

I have to stop letting it build up so that all I want to do is get mad. I just feel like nobody in my life (aside from my wonderful internet friends) understands and I don't want to feel like I'm complaining and whining all the time or that it's the only thing on my mind, so I bottle it up. I try to keep a brave face and smile my way through it, but that's not healthy. I need to talk to him more so that my frustrations don't come out that way.

But those texts meant more than just about anything. I KNOW he wants what I do, but his approach to things is so different from mine. So, I just end up feeling like he doesn't care as much.

It's nice to hear every now and then that we are working toward the same goal.

Learning to Disconnect

As a person who has always loved children and has always wanted nothing more than to be a mom, it's never seemed odd or out of place for me to be so enamored and involved with children.

I was quite a bit older than a lot of my parents' friends' kids and my brothers and my many of my cousins growing up, so I often "babysat" the younger kids while the adults visited. I loved it. It was my thing. And with my little brothers, I was just as much a part of their everyday as my parents were--I gave them baths, changed diapers, rocked/sang/watched "The Little Mermaid" to sleep, helped with homework, carted around to school and practices and games. I've always jumped at throwing a baby shower or buying baby gifts. I'm always the one at the shower who buys the pracitical stuff, not just the cute stuff. New baby in the vicinity? Hand him/her over. How many times have people told me that I'm a natural? I love to talk about kids.

I realized the other day, though, that I maybe get too involved where I shouldn't. That maybe it's not normal or I'm obsessive. I don't really even know how to describe it.

 But, when a co-worker tells me how much her three and half month old baby weighs, my first thought shouldn't have been that that's almost as much as my friend's 18-month-old baby. Her mommy should have thought that (and she did), but not me.

It shouldn't make my day to see pictures of other people's babies or hear their stories. I shouldn't beg my husband to go see my nephew and nieces.

The vast majority of my top blog list should not be baby and kid related.

I shouldn't carry on conversations where I talk with any kind of knowledge or authority on babies or children in general. That's not normal and all it makes me seem is pathetic. I can imagine people thinking "who is she to talk about that?" Or worse, "boy, must she be desperate to have a baby."

And that part is true.

I think maybe I've just been living through everybody else's children. And I need to stop.

I need to find someplace else to put all of that. I need to stop thinking like a mommy. I'm not one and I may not be one.

But, it's so hard when that's always been something in the back of your mind. It's never occurred to me until recently that it might not be a possibility.

So, where do I even draw that line? Because it's not like I only talk babies/kids because I want them. With many people, it's because they are my friend or my family, so genuinely want to talk about their kids and know what's going on.

So, how do I care without caring too much?

I Don't Want to Ride Anymore

When I was young, old and big enough to ride the "big" amusement park rides but still pretty young, I always thought the roller coaster looked like so much fun, but I was nervous to go on one. So, everytime we went to Six Flags, I would get in line but chicken out before I got to the ride. One time, I did actually make it all the way the car with my mom and couldn't do it. I did not want to ride it anymore.

It wasn't until I was 16 and in high school before I overcame my fears and discovered I loved roller coasters. The bigger, the faster, the crazier, the better.

But, I feel like that 8-year-old again.

I don't want to ride this ride anymore.

It's not fun. It's like the time I rode The Texas Giant and ended up with a migraine. All this roller coaster of a journey is doing is causing me pain.

I'm tired of the weight gain, of struggling to lose weight, of my face breaking out like I'm 16 again, of being so emotional that I cause a fight with The Hubby because I'm afaid he's going to turn down sex, of timing things, of taking stupid prenatal vitamins, of worrying about everything I eat and drink. I'm tired of not having anything to show for it all.

And I'm tired of watching the whole world get pregnant around me.

I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't know if I have it in me to go on with the process.

I think so much of it is fear, just like when I was a kid. Fear of the unknown.

I'm afraid of testing because I don't know what we'll find. I'm afraid of not being pregnant and not being able to handle the disappointment this time around. I'm afraid of BEING pregnant and then what if I do something to lose the baby after all the other disappointment. I'm afraid of not trying and having regrets.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive. I'm trying to look ahead to next week and my appointment and think of that as a good thing. I'm trying to focus on where I am in weight loss and getting healthy.

But clearly hormones are grabbing ahold and messing with the mojo.

All I know is right now, I want off.

Happy Dance!!

This is the first time I've been this excited about something in awhile!

When I set up for Weight Watchers, I chose Saturday as our weigh-in day. Not really sure why other than the fact that we can tend to eat more than usual on the weekends, so I figured we'd have the whole week to burn all that off.

And burn we did.

I lost 7 freaking pounds!!!!

I am beyond ecstatic about that number.

Now, I am not naive enough to think that I actually lost 7 pounds in one week. I know my body and I know how I lose weight. I have a tendency to hold on to weight and then it sort of comes off in one large chunk--at least according to the scale. So, I would venture to guess that number is a culmination of the past few weeks of working out really hard then adding in the better eating I did last week.

Oh, and the best part? I still showed that number after having a cheeseburger and fries for lunch the day before. We had been really good all week and The Hubby wanted to take a co-worker to lunch for her last day, so I tagged along (because it was a freaking hamburger--hello!!) and we had not use any flex points or activity points, all of which would start over the next day. And I figured if we followed it up with a really healthy, light dinner (which we did), then we'd probably be okay.

The Hubby lost 3 pounds. I think he was a little disappointed, but three pounds in a week is better than good.

I've already got this week's meals planned and we'll be back at the gym tomorrow morning (Sunday is our rest day--and boy did we need it this week). We were talking yesterday about the fact that we are both back in workout-mode. It's been a long time for us, so we're really happy about that and very proud of ourselves. We're starting Week 4 of morning workouts and we've worked out every day except one Monday when we were both sick.

I've actually caught myself having fleeting thoughts of being able to wear my skinny clothes next fall/winter or some of my skinny summer clothes. For the past year and half, I've thought about losing weight, but I've always made myself not think in those terms because I felt like I was trading in being pregnant for being skinny. That was so unhealthy and was causing me to sabotage myself.

I'm not doing that anymore. My goal is to lose weight and be healthy. We will start testing in just over a week and go from there. If I get pregnant, I will already be in a good place workout-wise and eating-wise to hopefully keep myself healthy and to keep from overgaining during pregnancy.

It's a brand new day!

Always on My Mind

(Cue Willie Nelson . . . )

This might be what you'd call an obvious statement, but trying to get pregnant is always in my mind. It's a consideration in everything I do--activities, plans, for I eat, what I drink. I'd love for it to not be there, but when so many things can effect the outcome, it seems omnipresent.

This is not to say that I don't drink in the 2ww or have coffee or don't plan an event, vacation (wait, what's that? it's been awhile), etc. around possibly being pregnant. Did I maybe in the beginning. Little bit. But, that gets real old real fast when you've been trying more than a few months.

The one thing that usually gets me going, though, is working out.

There are so many schools of thought. And I think that if I had been working out at the level I was a few years back for all this time, it wouldn't really cross my mind so much to worry.

On CD1, I have no problem having a serious workout. I get out my frustrations. And all during that two weeks while I'm waiting to O, I turn up the volume. But, then O comes. And after O, I start wondering.

This time around, it's a lot different because The Hubby and I have really been pushing it at the gym this entire cycle. We switched from afternoon/evening workouts to morning and that's not only helped us go every day, it's also upped my intensity because I'm going every day. I do the elliptical for an hour (plus 5 minute cool down) and am burning off 700+ calories a day. The "issue" is that my heart rate also spikes anywhere from 165 to 175 (pretty sure there was a 180 in there one day). It's not that high the entire time because I do 5-minute rotations of sprinting and a slower pace. During the workout, though, the lowest my heart rate drops is 145.

All of this was on my mind at I approached O this time around, knowing how hard I've been working. I didn't know for sure I was past O until after yesterday's workout, so this morning, I felt like I had a decision to make. I am now 5DPO (took four temps for FF to give me CHs). I decided to err on the side of caution.

I bumped it down a notch. Normally, during my sprints, I average 170 strides per minute (a little less later in the workout when I've got the resistance and crossbar at a higher level) and then 138 during my "down" times. I dropped down to 158/160 (then less as the I bumped up the resistance and crossbar) for sprints but kept the 138 for down times.

My heart rate was averaging 148. A little higher than I might have liked, but I know my body and there is no way I could have gotten any kind of a decent workout at anything less than that. I did peak at 154 during one sprint because I pushed a bit too hard. But, I didn't worry about it.

The great thing was that I still felt like it was a great workout and I still burned 675 calories.

I probably put too much thought into it this time around, but I feel like this one is the "final countdown." This is our last shot at being pregnant without being under the watchful eye of an RE. I don't know what's going to happen after the 29th. I know all next cycle will be testing, but beyond that, I have no idea.

I'm happy to working out like this again. Even if the scale is being stubborn (although I did finally see some downward movement this week; weigh in is Saturday, so we'll see), we're on the right track and that makes me happy. I WANT to lose the weight and be healthier.

It's just that pesky balancing act with TTC.

And a New Step

The Hubby and I just joined Weight Watchers.

I've been toying with the idea of joining since last summer when I was reaching weight highs and not loving it, but The Hubby talked me out it. Our theory was that I had done it on my own before with working out and watching my food intake--I didn't even really count calories.

But, when I started losing that weight, I was 4 years younger, on hormonal birth control, and had what it took to put all my thought and energy into it.

I don't have what it takes to put all my thought and energy into it anymore.

Losing weight tends to stress me out when I have other things going on, partially because I'm doing it for it two. Since I am the one who does all the food shopping, preparing, and cooking, The Hubby tends to leave the portion control and calorie counting to me. Problem there is that it takes a lot of time and energy to track one person, let alone two. Then there is the issue of it being me telling him what to and what not to eat. That just doesn't work.

I had hoped just joining the gym would do the trick. I basically do not lose weight just cutting back on food. My body needs the activity. But, we still struggled to get to the gym every day. Then, last week, I decided I wanted to try morning workouts and The Hubby wanted to still workout with me, so we've started getting up at an un-godly hour and dragging our butts to the gym.

Despite this push, though, I discovered late this week that the scale had gone up. I saw a number I have never seen and never expected to see outside of possible pregnancy. I will admit that I still haven't done the best at eating, but since working out every day, I had been doing better--plus, I am burning off on average 700 freaking calories a day in my workout. Shouldn't that count for something?

There was also the little argument that ensued while I was cooking dinner the other night. We had a difference of opinion on how many tacos The Hubby should eat. I finally had to hand him the package of tortillas so he could see why I was limiting him. It was quite the eye opener for him and made me realize that HE is never going to lose weight until he starts paying attention to his own food.

So, we are now members of Weight Watchers. Doing the online program. I'm really excited about it. I have a few friends who have had great success on it, so I'm really hoping this is the push we both need.

I'm still very upset with myself for letting it get this out of hand. I look at pictures of me two years ago and cannot believe how far I've gone. And I know that the weight is not good for either of us in terms of TTC and for me in a potential pregnancy. So, that is really good motivation, especially as we move forward with testing--I will be very happy to tell the RE that we, hopefully, we have already started losing and have a plan in place to lose.

And maybe I hope just a little to fit back into all my cute skinny clothes.

Moving On

In less than a month, we will officially be moving on to the testing portion of TTC. No more denial, no more stalling. The initial appointment with the RE has been made.

I never thought it would be so hard to actually make that appointment. Once I had my ducks in a row--the list of REs on both The Hubby's and my insurance--and CD1hit, I started having panic attacks. Flat out, crying, scared to even look at the websites panic attacks. I just still had such anxiety about this being the right choice. Was I being stupid not finishing out initial testing with my doctor? Would an RE think I was crazy and tell me to come back when I knew what was going on with me? All of these were stupid thoughts. And I knew it. But it still took some reassurance from the lovely 3T ladies to pull me through.

By CD3, I sucked it up and put a call into my first choice, the one I thought was my only choice (only names I initially saw on both our insurance lists). The person who answered the phone said she would put me through to the scheduling coordinator and I'd probably have to leave a message because she was usually on the phone. 

Something put me off about that. But, I was also looking at the website, which was telling me ot fill out information online and they would schedule the appointment. The scheduling coordinator's voicemail said they same. So, I went with it and answered all their questions, go confirmation emails. I also started noticing that the website only listed the two locations not closest to me, so I asked. I did get a response that they did still have the office close to me, but the main doctors were not in that office full time.

A little more off put.

As the day wore on and I continued looking at the website, I just kept feeling like something wasn't right. I kept feeling like this was not the place for me. Just a feeling, but I felt the experience was not going to be very personal.

I got to looking at our insurance lists again and noticed there was another match I had previously overlooked. It just so happened one of the lovely 3T ladies is using this other doctor and had great things to say.

Two days after I filled out the online information for Doctor #1, they office finally called to schedule my appointment. I was sitting in my cube and did not feel like discussing anything that might potentially be discussed where a lot of people could hear. I said I would call back, but I was already really considering Doctor #2.

My this past Monday, I had made my decision. Obviously, I needed to make the call. Doctor #2's website was leading me to believe I would get a much more personal experience, so I made the call.

The woman who answered the phone is the one who scheduled my appointment. I had booked a conference room at the office for 30 minutes not knowing how long I might be put on hold, etc. I was done in 5 minutes. I can't explain why, but that made all the difference to me.

So, it is done. I feel better now that the call is made. I'm sure I'll be nervous again when the day comes. The appointment is actually great timing--I should be anywhere from CD1 to CD3. And, no I hold no allusions that I will get pregnant this cycle and get to cancel the appointment. My life doesn't work that way and any thoughts like that went away long ago for me. But, we can start fresh with the new cycle.

Now, to start writing down my questions and concerns . . .

Time Marches On, and I'm Standing Still

Have you ever noticed how life moves us along in stages?

Going to high school.
Going to college.
Starting a career.
Being young and partying.
Dating.
Dating the one.
Living together.
Being engaged.
Getting married.
Deciding to start a family or not.
Trying to get pregnant.
Being pregnant.
Raising children.

It's great. It's these stages that make up our lives.

What if one of them stalls out on you? What if everybody else moves onto the next stage but you?

It struck me the other day that I'm stuck in this in between. There is nothing to go back to and I literally can't move forward. Once I hit the year mark, I was faced a lot of repeat events and times where I was now not pregnant or didn't have a baby AGAIN. And I watch as other people move along and I'm nowhere near catching up.

It really hit me earlier this week when two friends were talking about going to the local JBF sale. They went together last year when one had a five-month-old and the other was about seven months pregnant. At the time, only not quite six months into TTC, it killed me listening to them make plans that I could have no part of. It wasn't jealousy. It was a feeling of being left out and left behind. They didn't make me feel this way. It wasn't their fault.

That's the life stages they were in.

Now, a year later, they are preparing to sell baby items they no longer need and the subject of shopping the sale came up. It was something I hadn't thought about in the last year because I don't really think about getting left behind. That boat sailed a long time ago. But, here I was thinking that I couldn't go last Winter/Spring because I wasn't pregnant. Then again in the Fall. And, now, Winter/Spring again.

And these friends now have a 17-month-old and 10-month-old.

As I was processing those thoughts, something happened on the TTGP message board today. One of my favorite Bumpies re-introduced herself saying that she and her hubby plan to start trying again end of Summer/Fall. Her sweet little girl is two months old. We had been trying the same amount of time when she got pregnant on Cycle 8.

Two girls at work have gotten pregnant and given birth in the time I've been trying.

I don't really know if I have much of a point here.

I'm not sad, really. 

I think sometimes, I just don't realize what's happening. It doesn't feel like 17 months to me. It's like my world has stopped and everybody else's has just moved on.

I Love My Husband

First, this was not the blog post I had in my head all day.

But, The Hubby has been so incredibly awesome the past few days, I have to get this out there.

Obviously, I love him. I sure would hope so--I'm trying to have a baby with him. But, sometimes, those husbands just really come out of nowhere and remind you all over again why you fell in love with and married them in the first place.

This last month, I've been looking for REs and finally had some picked and asked The Hubby to check his insurance for REs so we could cross reference. He was dragging his feet. I yelled. He said he'd do it. We both got busy. I didn't want to nag. I was starting to quietly get upset as my period creeped up. CD1 I still had no appointment or even a doctor picked. I sent The Hubby a text. He said he was busy but that he would do it later.

I'll be honest. I didn't believe him. At all.

An hour later, I got back from getting lunch to find an email with the link to the list of REs on his insurance. Then, he called to tell me he had called his insurance company to get the info on what his coverage is. And he said to call and get the appointment and we'd call his GP to get the referral (he's got an HMO, so we have to have a stupid referral).

I was so happy and relieved. I immediately saw that the doctor/clinic I wanted to go to was on his list, so that sealed the deal. I started looking at their website again.

And I got nervous.

The day went on, but I was too busy at work to even think about calling. I work in a cubicle where everyone can hear every phone call. I'm too secretive about the process at this point, but I didn't know what kinds of things would need to be said over the phone and I didn't want them to be heard.

I got home and looked at the website again. They have a "Contact" tab where you put in your contact info. and they call you. I filled it out.

And I had a panic attack.

I'm fairly certain it was the hormones of CD1, but I got freaked by all the advanced stuff on the website. Of course, the advertise all the procedures they do. And here I am "just" wanting initial testing. I got scared that they would laugh in my face and tell me I needed to go back to my OB until I found something wrong. Obviously, this was crazy thinking and the lovely ladies of 3T have calmed me down and let me know that my feelings were quite normal.

Meanwhile, The Hubby starts asking questions. He wants to know about his test and even started looking things up. Besides watching The Great Sperm Race with me, this was the first time he's shown a big interest in the actual process.

That calmed me.

Of course, work was super busy again today and I could not get away to a conference room to make the call, but I will be calling tomorrow when I work from home and can say whatever needs to be said.

And feel whatever needs to be felt. I'm afraid I'm going to cry when I get off the phone. We'll blame hormones.

But, back The Hubby.

Out of the blue tonight, he asks again about getting things schedule. That's right. My husband. Mr. It'll Happen When It Happens is talking me into making the call. He tells me we need to not wait, we're running out of time. "You're going to ovulate soon," he said. "So, we need to get going. Just tell me what I need to do."

That's really all I need to hear. To have him onboard, scared as he is too that something will be wrong with him, is the best thing I could ever hope for.