As Expected

Big Fat Negative.

I actually hit snooze too many times because I wanted so badly not to test. I knew it would be negative, so I really felt like I would be okay with it and, really, I was. But, the more time that passes (at about 3.5 hours now), the more I am reacting to it.

I'm not upset about the negative. It's really early, so I'm definitely not "out" yet. But, I'm angry at myself for testing. I hate testing early. Hate it, hate it, hate it. And this is why.

I think I hate it so much because I feel stupid. I feel stupid for hoping that maybe there will be some small chance that I am pregnant this time. That maybe, just this once, that I will get the cute story--oh, yeah, found out we are pregnant on the hubby's birthday; how awesome is that?!

But, no, that's not me. That's not my life. That's not how I will get pregnant. At this point, I feel so far removed from it that I can't even picture that moment.

See? Again, this is what happens. I'm way far from "out" of this cycle. I've got up to 4 more days before I'm out. But, because I took that stupid test, I'm all riled up. Convinced I'm out. Ready to just stop.

I really wanted it to be positive today. Really, really, really.

The hubby is feeling like he's not having a good birthday this year. So, I just really thought that maybe this was a sign that this would be it--what bette way to turn his birthday mood around?

::SIGH::

I'll get over it. Probably not today. Hopefully tomorrow.

Plastering on a smile and getting on with my day . . .