When I was young, old and big enough to ride the "big" amusement park rides but still pretty young, I always thought the roller coaster looked like so much fun, but I was nervous to go on one. So, everytime we went to Six Flags, I would get in line but chicken out before I got to the ride. One time, I did actually make it all the way the car with my mom and couldn't do it. I did not want to ride it anymore.
It wasn't until I was 16 and in high school before I overcame my fears and discovered I loved roller coasters. The bigger, the faster, the crazier, the better.
But, I feel like that 8-year-old again.
I don't want to ride this ride anymore.
It's not fun. It's like the time I rode The Texas Giant and ended up with a migraine. All this roller coaster of a journey is doing is causing me pain.
I'm tired of the weight gain, of struggling to lose weight, of my face breaking out like I'm 16 again, of being so emotional that I cause a fight with The Hubby because I'm afaid he's going to turn down sex, of timing things, of taking stupid prenatal vitamins, of worrying about everything I eat and drink. I'm tired of not having anything to show for it all.
And I'm tired of watching the whole world get pregnant around me.
I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't know if I have it in me to go on with the process.
I think so much of it is fear, just like when I was a kid. Fear of the unknown.
I'm afraid of testing because I don't know what we'll find. I'm afraid of not being pregnant and not being able to handle the disappointment this time around. I'm afraid of BEING pregnant and then what if I do something to lose the baby after all the other disappointment. I'm afraid of not trying and having regrets.
I'm trying so hard to stay positive. I'm trying to look ahead to next week and my appointment and think of that as a good thing. I'm trying to focus on where I am in weight loss and getting healthy.
But clearly hormones are grabbing ahold and messing with the mojo.
All I know is right now, I want off.
It wasn't until I was 16 and in high school before I overcame my fears and discovered I loved roller coasters. The bigger, the faster, the crazier, the better.
But, I feel like that 8-year-old again.
I don't want to ride this ride anymore.
It's not fun. It's like the time I rode The Texas Giant and ended up with a migraine. All this roller coaster of a journey is doing is causing me pain.
I'm tired of the weight gain, of struggling to lose weight, of my face breaking out like I'm 16 again, of being so emotional that I cause a fight with The Hubby because I'm afaid he's going to turn down sex, of timing things, of taking stupid prenatal vitamins, of worrying about everything I eat and drink. I'm tired of not having anything to show for it all.
And I'm tired of watching the whole world get pregnant around me.
I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't know if I have it in me to go on with the process.
I think so much of it is fear, just like when I was a kid. Fear of the unknown.
I'm afraid of testing because I don't know what we'll find. I'm afraid of not being pregnant and not being able to handle the disappointment this time around. I'm afraid of BEING pregnant and then what if I do something to lose the baby after all the other disappointment. I'm afraid of not trying and having regrets.
I'm trying so hard to stay positive. I'm trying to look ahead to next week and my appointment and think of that as a good thing. I'm trying to focus on where I am in weight loss and getting healthy.
But clearly hormones are grabbing ahold and messing with the mojo.
All I know is right now, I want off.
2 comments:
so sorry you're having a rough day. we all go through it when struggling with ttc. hang in there!
Just wanted to say that I can totally relate with wanting to get off the ride. The ups and downs are so hard, especially over time, when you see everyone else getting pregnant with ease. Hang in there!
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