I think I've come to a decision that makes me a little bit of a liar.
I think I have about made the decision to stop trying to get pregnant.
Why does this make me liar? Because I've always said I couldn't stop trying unless I knew there was no way we could get pregnant or unless I had exhaused all the options.
Neither of those things has happened.
But, still, it's becoming a very real possibility that I cannot continue with the process - at least not how I have been.
I still want children, want to be a mom. Desperately. But at what cost?
My mental health is taking a beating. I've never been the most secure person on the plant - far from it. I have deep-seeded insecurities that have nothing to do with TTC, but I feel like my failure in that area has brought all the others back to the surface.
I keep thinking of that old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." Hell, that's the definition of TTC.
Yes, we have other options. We could try fertility meds, we could do IUI. But, for so many reasons, I don't know that these are options for me. Emotionally, mentally, financially these options are not appealing. We quite literally can't afford them. And with where I already am mentally and emotionally, I don't know that those would be smart options. None of the options are quaranteed, so what will that do to me when the conventional methods are already taking their toll?
I just don't know how much more I can take. TTC doesn't take all my time and energy and thoughts like it did for a period of time. I think getting over the hump into IF and not feeling all the time that "this is SO going to be it" helped a little. But, lately, I just dread taking my temp. I don't even want to buy stupid OPKs. I'm tired of worrying about sex and when to have it and telling The Hubby what we can or can't do and when we should or shouldn't do something. I hate that right after sex, The Hubby says "but you aren't ovulating, are you?" It is 100% stressful, 100% of the time.
And I've been feeling more and more that maybe I should listen to the nagging part of my gut that tells me this isn't happening for a reason. It could be that all this time, I've been wrong. The thing about being a mom is I always felt like it was the one thing I would be really great at. I'm not really great at, well, anything. Put me in a group of people and despite any area I might excel at a little bit, I'm not known for being great at anything. For some reason, I always thought that would come when I was a mom.
But I feel like I'm being schooled there. I see so many moms around me who are truly exceptional. I'm in awe of them and I wonder if maybe I've been wrong. That maybe I wouldn't excel at being a mom and maybe somebody is trying to spare me the heartbreak of realizing that I suck at it.
That is probably, admittedly, my insecurities talking. But, I've really been thinking that there is a reason for this and I need to step back and take a closer look at things.
I could never stop wanting. Nothing will ever fill that void. Ever. And I won't ever do anything to keep from getting pregnant. No more birth control for me. I won't be avoiding fertile times. But I think the time has time come to stop this madness before I lose myself, my sanity, my marriage.
Nothing is set in stone. I'll chart out this cycle and go from there. This may just be a break. I don't know what this is.
All I know is whatever it is is not working for me anymore.
I think I have about made the decision to stop trying to get pregnant.
Why does this make me liar? Because I've always said I couldn't stop trying unless I knew there was no way we could get pregnant or unless I had exhaused all the options.
Neither of those things has happened.
But, still, it's becoming a very real possibility that I cannot continue with the process - at least not how I have been.
I still want children, want to be a mom. Desperately. But at what cost?
My mental health is taking a beating. I've never been the most secure person on the plant - far from it. I have deep-seeded insecurities that have nothing to do with TTC, but I feel like my failure in that area has brought all the others back to the surface.
I keep thinking of that old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." Hell, that's the definition of TTC.
Yes, we have other options. We could try fertility meds, we could do IUI. But, for so many reasons, I don't know that these are options for me. Emotionally, mentally, financially these options are not appealing. We quite literally can't afford them. And with where I already am mentally and emotionally, I don't know that those would be smart options. None of the options are quaranteed, so what will that do to me when the conventional methods are already taking their toll?
I just don't know how much more I can take. TTC doesn't take all my time and energy and thoughts like it did for a period of time. I think getting over the hump into IF and not feeling all the time that "this is SO going to be it" helped a little. But, lately, I just dread taking my temp. I don't even want to buy stupid OPKs. I'm tired of worrying about sex and when to have it and telling The Hubby what we can or can't do and when we should or shouldn't do something. I hate that right after sex, The Hubby says "but you aren't ovulating, are you?" It is 100% stressful, 100% of the time.
And I've been feeling more and more that maybe I should listen to the nagging part of my gut that tells me this isn't happening for a reason. It could be that all this time, I've been wrong. The thing about being a mom is I always felt like it was the one thing I would be really great at. I'm not really great at, well, anything. Put me in a group of people and despite any area I might excel at a little bit, I'm not known for being great at anything. For some reason, I always thought that would come when I was a mom.
But I feel like I'm being schooled there. I see so many moms around me who are truly exceptional. I'm in awe of them and I wonder if maybe I've been wrong. That maybe I wouldn't excel at being a mom and maybe somebody is trying to spare me the heartbreak of realizing that I suck at it.
That is probably, admittedly, my insecurities talking. But, I've really been thinking that there is a reason for this and I need to step back and take a closer look at things.
I could never stop wanting. Nothing will ever fill that void. Ever. And I won't ever do anything to keep from getting pregnant. No more birth control for me. I won't be avoiding fertile times. But I think the time has time come to stop this madness before I lose myself, my sanity, my marriage.
Nothing is set in stone. I'll chart out this cycle and go from there. This may just be a break. I don't know what this is.
All I know is whatever it is is not working for me anymore.
1 comment:
I can't say anything about the reasons why this is happening to you right now (though I'm sure there is a reason)--that really is between you and God. But one thing I'm ABSOLUTELY sure of is that it has nothing to do with what kind of mom you will be (WILL). Hear me? NOTHING. Every woman has doubts about whether or not she can be the mom her kids will need her to be, you are not unique there. But you have nothing to worry about. So, whatever you choose to do now, just don't choose out of fear. As I read somewhere yesterday, "I'm not telling you it will be easy. I'm telling you it will be worth it."
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