The Day.
A day I have dreaded since about August of last year and then moreso just a couple of weeks ago.
Mother's Day.
It's supposed to be a happy, fun, celebratory day.
But for those of us struggling to become a mother, it's hell. Pure, unrelenting hell.
It is everywhere. Every commercial, every TV show, every store, every ad, every restaurant.
I didn't realize it last year. I had no idea it would feel that way. I had only been trying 8 months, so I was always careful to check myself when it came to pity about TTC. So, while Mother's Day stuff got to me a bit, it wasn't until the day of that I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. It was also probably harder because at the time, I had friends celebrating their first Mother's Day as new mommies, there were new babies everywhere between family and friends.
And nobody even thought about it, even realized. I had to explain it to The Hubby. He was remarkably understanding (as he so often is with his crazy, hormonal wife). I had to spell it out to my mom. Despite her IF issues, it was something that wouldn't have occurred to her since her, with her IF being secondary, she was able to celebrate Mother's Day with a child.
I'm trying really hard this year not to let it be a "thing" for me. Quite honestly, I think I'm in denial. It's a bit of that fear creeping in again, I think.
I don't want to be the sulky, bitter IF girl. I want to celebrate my mother - and all mothers - at I have in the past, but it's really hard to focus on that when my heart feels empty in the spot made for a child.
I'm afraid of how I will be. I'm afraid of what others will say.
Will we take my MIL to lunch or dinner and the host/hostess ask how many mothers in our party or if I'm a mother? That's happened. Will someone say Happy Mother's Day to me? That will hurt. When with my family, will it get mentioned that I'm the only non-mom in the family now that my cousin is pregnant? Will they be fawning over her and making a big deal about this being her "first Mother's Day." I don't know if I can handle that.
But, I'm preparing myself for all of these things. Thankfully, much of the actual day will just be spent at home with The Hubby. Less exposure = less chance for upset.
I really, really, really don't want to fell these things. I've been trying very hard to ignore the little crying urges and focus on celebrating my own mom, MIL, and grandmother.
But it's hard.
A day I have dreaded since about August of last year and then moreso just a couple of weeks ago.
Mother's Day.
It's supposed to be a happy, fun, celebratory day.
But for those of us struggling to become a mother, it's hell. Pure, unrelenting hell.
It is everywhere. Every commercial, every TV show, every store, every ad, every restaurant.
I didn't realize it last year. I had no idea it would feel that way. I had only been trying 8 months, so I was always careful to check myself when it came to pity about TTC. So, while Mother's Day stuff got to me a bit, it wasn't until the day of that I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. It was also probably harder because at the time, I had friends celebrating their first Mother's Day as new mommies, there were new babies everywhere between family and friends.
And nobody even thought about it, even realized. I had to explain it to The Hubby. He was remarkably understanding (as he so often is with his crazy, hormonal wife). I had to spell it out to my mom. Despite her IF issues, it was something that wouldn't have occurred to her since her, with her IF being secondary, she was able to celebrate Mother's Day with a child.
I'm trying really hard this year not to let it be a "thing" for me. Quite honestly, I think I'm in denial. It's a bit of that fear creeping in again, I think.
I don't want to be the sulky, bitter IF girl. I want to celebrate my mother - and all mothers - at I have in the past, but it's really hard to focus on that when my heart feels empty in the spot made for a child.
I'm afraid of how I will be. I'm afraid of what others will say.
Will we take my MIL to lunch or dinner and the host/hostess ask how many mothers in our party or if I'm a mother? That's happened. Will someone say Happy Mother's Day to me? That will hurt. When with my family, will it get mentioned that I'm the only non-mom in the family now that my cousin is pregnant? Will they be fawning over her and making a big deal about this being her "first Mother's Day." I don't know if I can handle that.
But, I'm preparing myself for all of these things. Thankfully, much of the actual day will just be spent at home with The Hubby. Less exposure = less chance for upset.
I really, really, really don't want to fell these things. I've been trying very hard to ignore the little crying urges and focus on celebrating my own mom, MIL, and grandmother.
But it's hard.
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