Anatomy of a BFN

I don't usually pick apart a cycle. I usually don't feel the need because I always feel like there were things we didn't do right or could have done better, so while disappointed and upset, I've tried to forge ahead with a better outlook for the next cycle.

This was different.

After the cycle before being a complete bust, which I turned out to be okay with, we resolved to do what we needed to do to get the job done.

We were continuing our fitness routine and I had added a BodyPump class once to twice a week (I will admit to missing quite a few workouts due to late nights staying up for playoff basketball). Of course I continued charting and broke the OPKs back out. The Hubby and I talked and we decided to see if we couldn't manage sex every day of positive OPKs.

Here's the thing about The Hubby and me. We've never been sex every day kind of people. In the nine and half years we've been together, I'm not sure we've ever had sex on back to back days except maybe the day we got married and the day after (and I'm not even 100% sure about that). Let's just say neither of us is usually up for that. But, he agreed to give it try. Since we know for sure there are no sperm issues, we figured it certainly couldn't hurt.

I got the first positive OPK on CD11. Sex. Another couple of positives on CD12. Sex during halftime of Game 2 Mavs vs. Lakers. Negative OPK on CD1 and a temp rise, BUT I had been ovulating on CD13 rather frequently and since positive OPKs indicate ovulation within the next 24 to 48 hours, we decided to try one more time. About killed us, but we did it. And I figured with the temp rise, at worst I would ovulate on CD14, but we had three days of sex before, so I wasn't worried.

Imagine my surprise when my temp went up again on CD14. One more high temp and I will have ovulated on CD12. Seriously? Apparanetly so because CD15 brought that temp rise and put me at 3DPO. While I thought this was odd, at least our timing couldn't have been better O-1, O, O+1. It really doesn't get any better than that.

And here came the "fun" part. The 2ww drag. BUT, I had a little something different going on this time - I was preparing for my Stella & Dot launch show, so I was distracted. Mark one toward the positive.

The Hubby bent over backwards to keep me stress free. He was wonderful. I had a major screwup - MAJOR. He acted like it was no big deal. He helped cook, clean, shop. He just did everything possible to make my life easier, so when he asked that I also think positive, it was easy to oblige. Mark two.

Then came the home stretch. Those last few days when emotions go crazy and phantom symptoms run rampant. So, symptoms? I just can't even tell them anymore, so I basically ignore ones that are there. The one I couldn't ignore was cramping, but since I'm not normally an early cramper, I did wonder.

Then there were the emotions. This is where it got interesting. My emotions were, in fact, all over the place, but there may have been underlying causes. This week at work was one of the best weeks we've had in a long time. We got multiple pieces of good news, so we were all on a bit of high. I think I got too caught up in it. I felt like maybe it was going to be a week of positives in more way than one. And this news indirectly affected some concerns I've had about maternity leave should I have gotten pregnant last cycle or this. So, maybe this really was all about timing.

And then my body messed with my mind yet again. I went all the way to 15DPO before buying tests. I have never had an LP longer than 14 days. Never say never.

Of course, it was not meant to be. And the reason I don't keep a positive outlook is because I fall so hard. I stayed positive right up until purchasing the pregnancy tests. I bought them, but I knew as I stood in line, I was wasting money.

I'm very angry. I know that I shouldn't be. I AM dealing with infertility. Plain and simple, no way around it. I am not going to get pregnant on my own. The problem is nobody else believes that. I fucking hate unexplained IF because people, including most importantly my own husband, do not think it is really real. Tests came back fine, so we just have to wait. Waiting and trying is futile at this point.

But, I also don't have a choice. I will talk to the doctor this cycle and make sure there is nothing else we want to test/look at before moving forward. At this point, though, the furthest we could move is Clomid. IUI is where we need to be, but we can't afford it and won't be able to for awhile. Hell, I don't actually even know how much the Clomid and the monitoring will be, so who knows if that will even be do-able (I'm sure it will be).

My hope has about run out. I can't handle much more of the pain and disappointment. Even when I'm numb to it, it's still too much to bear. I really feel like if it was going to happen for us, it would be happening without assistance. And it's not. If we can have perfect timing in so many ways and a perfect environment and not get pregnant, shouldn't I be taking THAT as a sign?

I truly, honestly do not know where I go from here. I'm tired of the whole thing. I feel like it is killing and picking away at my confidence and self esteem with each passing day. I feel sorry for myself. I feel bad for my husband and our families because I can't make a baby. I feel like a complete and utter failure (and I don't mean that I blame myself because I don't; I know it isn't actually my fault).

Two days into this new cycle, I don't know where I'm going. I've never entered a new cycle without hope, but that's how I feel right now. I feel like we will once again be going through the motions of trying to make a baby.

Only to fail again.