How Exactly Am I Supposed To Be?

This is the question I would love to ask of the people who say and think that I just need to relax. However you say it, please elaborate on how it is I am supposed to be.

At my RE's office yesterday, the nurse I saw told me I should "take a break, go on vacation, drink some margaritas, and I'll get preggers." Really? Is that your medical opinion to someone who has been trying over a year and a half and is seeing a fertility specialist? Wow. Why am I paying you, then?

Even my husband says "everybody" tells him I just need to relax. Really? So, at no point in the last 20+ months was I ever relaxed enough to get pregnant? You'd think the odds would be on my side. Clearly not.

My question is what exactly would people have me do? Am I supposed to forget that I want to get pregnant? Could someone give me some pointers in that? Because countless months of varying hobbies, a promotion at work, starting my own business, general life events have not been able to push that out of my mind. It's not on my mind all the time, but given that it is a life goal and it is a priority right now, not sure how to forget about it.

So, let's say I schedule this vacation. What if I schedule it and it's not when I'm ovulating? So, then I relax, have all the margaritas and sex I want but I'm not going to get pregnant. Or, should I schedule the vacation around ovulation? But then wouldn't that sort of defeat the purpose? Hmm . . .

And I'm sure there are many out there who say, "oh, well, you shouldn't worry about all that ovulation stuff." Oh, okay, you're right, it's better to not know about my body. But, let's say, I don't chart and know exactly when. Well, guess what? I do happen to be one of the lucky ones who has very regular cycles, so I ALWAYS have a pretty guess at when it is/is going to/has happened. So, I'm always going to know. I've gotten to the point, though, where I don't worry about it. We've had crappy timing, we've had dead-on timing. We're not pregnant. So, I've relaxed a lot about it. Sometimes I still get upset about, but it's too exhausting to expect either of us to perform under those circumstances.

I'm just so sick of people thinking they know what this is like. Unless you have been there, you do not know how this feels.
And I am perfectly well aware of all the people who have stopped trying or gone on vacation thinking they were getting away from it all and gotten pregnant.

Yes, it happens.

It might happen to me.

But, so far, it hasn't. And I have a right to be upset about it. I have a right to get stressed out by it from time to time. I have a right to feel depressed about it.

Quite frankly, I have no doubt that if I ever do get pregnant, it will be on my own when I've lost hope (and, believe me, I'm not far from that). That's just sort of the thing that happens to me.

But, that doesn't mean I haven't battled IF. I think so many people do not realize the meaning of IF. There isn't always a documented reason. There isn't always an answer. Not everybody comes out on the other end of IF with a baby, so when you are in the middle of it, when you are battling it, it so often feels like a losing battle.

Well, This Is New

Given that we have not been able to time things this cycle and given my utter exhaustion of the whole process, I had every intention of calling off this cycle and possibly taking a complete break. I was just done. I didn't even bother to temp. Sunday morning even though it should have confirmed ovulation.

Apparently, my uterus decided that IT would make those kind of decisions for me.

I woke up Sunday morning, CD13, to bleeding when I went to the bathroom. Um, what?!

This was not just a little blood. Definitely not spotting. Though, I did wonder at first - maybe ovulation bleeding. Never had it myself, but there is a first time for everything.

But, I knew almost immediately, this was not what was going on. I had put a pantyliner on just in case and it quickly became obvious that wasn't going to do the trick. Within a few hours, I was having period-like bleeding, with some clotting.

I've felt sort of "off". Not sure how to explain it. When I first woke up Sunday morning, I actually thought I felt like I had PMS cramping - nothing intense, just there. And I've continued to have that, a little worse Sunday evening. My tummy also feels icky, which is a PMS symptom for me.

And I've been a bit lightheaded.

Seriously, WTF is going on with my body? Here I am supposed to be ovulating and I'm having another period? Without ovulation? Or is something else going on?

I won't lie. I wondered about a miscarriage. My period two weeks ago was mostly normal on paper, but I thought it felt off. Maybe I'm crazy. And my post period temps have been mostly normal except for the two big drops, but my CM pattern has been completely off.

I REALLY don't want to call the doctor. I've mentioned before my issue with calling doctors. But, I have to, right? I mean, this is NOT normal. It is now 24 hours later and the bleeding is still significant.

I just really can't handle another issue at this point. I'm at my breaking point and this is just not helping.

Out of The Hubby's Mouth: Father's Day

"Happy Father's Day to my Father and all the Fathers out there. Pray that I will be a Father one day!!"

The Hubby's Father's Day Facebook post.

These are the things that make me remember why I want to have children with this man and also make the disappointments 1,000 times harder.

The Hubby is so different from me when it comes to trying and to the emotions of it all. He doesn't understand why it hurt to see my grandmother so enthralled by the itty-bitty newborn that she was holding that she didn't even greet me when I walked in the house or to hear my mother, once again, discussing pregnancy woes with someone who isn't me.  He can't comprehend the emotional toll that wacky hormones takes on my body month after month, day after day. He doesn't share my fears of how to live my life if it never happens.

But, every once and awhile, he pulls something like that out of his back pocket and makes up for all the rest.

NBA Finals Win Defeats PMS?

As it turns out, MY Dallas Mavericks winning the NBA Championship is the only thing in this very long TTC process to make me say (in regards to declining temps over the last two days; on 12DPO today) "but, that's okay; Mavs are NBA Champs!"

Who knew?

You might call me pathetic for admitting that a sporting event is the one thing that could make me happy despite the struggle when so many other good things have happened during this time - babies born to friends, nieces born, pregnancies announced, I got a long-awaited promotion, friends did not lose their jobs, baby brother graduated high school. There have been a lot.

Maybe it's because this wasn't personal to me. I don't know. Maybe I just love sports way too much - that's not really even a maybe.

But, I do know that, without a doubt, for today, I don't really care that my temps are dropping, that my boobs are killing me, and that I have definite cramping going on. I have fleeting sarcastic moments of "hey, great, I'm cramping" but then I can't help but smile. Because my team won a hard-fought, much deserved battle to get their their championship rings.

I'm riding this wave as long as I can!

Conquering a Demon?

We have a three bedroom home: master and two smaller rooms. When we bought the house, the first spare room was to be a game room for The Hubby to play his video games in, but that didn't happen because we got a 52" TV for the living room and that was clearly the better place for gaming (inser eye roll). So, that room became the workout room - Bowflex, exercise bike, and, eventually, an elliptical. It was great when I was going through my great get in shape phase. In December, we sold the exercise equipment in favor of the gym membership. The goal was again for that to be a gaming room, but we don't have a good enough TV (not another big screen, but better than what is/was in there). So, we hoped to turn it into an office.

The second spare bedroom became the guest bedroom. Except people never spend the night at our house. I think people have slept in that bed once, maybe twice, in the five years we've been here. But, it was the place to put the spare queen bed and the extra bedroom furniture and my teddy bear collection. (Yes, I have a teddy bear collection. I've had it for years and I refuse to give it up. I love them. Don't judge.) It has also become a little of a catch-all and the closet is actually storage for my massive amounts of Christmas decorations.

That second room was also to become a nursery should we have a baby while living in this house. (I say that because we originally intended to be here 3 to 5 years, so I wasn't sure if we'd get pregnant in that time. We'll be here a while longer.) It was even decorated as a beautiful little girl's nursery with light purple (my favorite color) walls and white furniture in the model home. I've always let my mind wander, fleetingly, how I would transform the room.

Until we started TTC.

From time to time, I let that room go and it becomes TOO much of a catch-all and bit messy. It was getting that way when we started trying. Now, 20 (or whatever) months later, it's actually gotten worse. In the beginning, I kept thinking I'd get myself in there for something to do. Not to get it ready to be a nursery, but just in case.

Eventually, it became the black hole. I kept thinking I didn't want to clean it because I didn't want to jinx it in some way. So stupid. Then, I just started avoiding it. At that point, I knew it should be a nursery, but it just wasn't happening. And I didn't want to open the door and be reminded of all the times I'd thought about nursery plans. The only time I go in now is to get wrapping paper and at Christmas to get my decorations.

Today, we are finally moving my home office area out of our master bedroom and into the first spare room. As I'm deciding how to design the room, I start thinking of other furniture to go in there. There are a few pieces in the would-be nursery that are getting no use (and wouldn't get use in a nursery) and would work in my office. The Hubby wants me to spend the weekend cleaning and organizing all the rooms (that sounds bad, but it's a mess I made and that I keep avoiding, so he's saying now would be a good time). I told him I still didn't want to do it and had no intention of cleaning out that room.

But, when I realized I wanted that furniture, I knew I had to clean that room to get it out and moved.

So, I'm doing the one thing I don't want to do. I feel like by doing it, I'm acting like I'm getting it ready to be a nursery. I know it's not. I know I need to not think like that, but it's in my head.

I hate that something so stupid as cleaning out a room in my own home that desperately needs to be cleaned turns into something IF/baby related to me.

Maybe by getting cleaned and looking pretty, I'll be able to move past that.

A Liar, of sorts

I think I've come to a decision that makes me a little bit of a liar.

I think I have about made the decision to stop trying to get pregnant.

Why does this make me liar? Because I've always said I couldn't stop trying unless I knew there was no way we could get pregnant or unless I had exhaused all the options.

Neither of those things has happened.

But, still, it's becoming a very real possibility that I cannot continue with the process - at least not how I have been.

I still want children, want to be a mom. Desperately. But at what cost?

My mental health is taking a beating. I've never been the most secure person on the plant - far from it. I have deep-seeded insecurities that have nothing to do with TTC, but I feel like my failure in that area has brought all the others back to the surface.

I keep thinking of that old saying "the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results." Hell, that's the definition of TTC.

Yes, we have other options. We could try fertility meds, we could do IUI. But, for so many reasons, I don't know that these are options for me. Emotionally, mentally, financially these options are not appealing. We quite literally can't afford them. And with where I already am mentally and emotionally, I don't know that those would be smart options. None of the options are quaranteed, so what will that do to me when the conventional methods are already taking their toll?

I just don't know how much more I can take. TTC doesn't take all my time and energy and thoughts like it did for a period of time. I think getting over the hump into IF and not feeling all the time that "this is SO going to be it" helped a little. But, lately, I just dread taking my temp. I don't even want to buy stupid OPKs. I'm tired of worrying about sex and when to have it and telling The Hubby what we can or can't do and when we should or shouldn't do something. I hate that right after sex, The Hubby says "but you aren't ovulating, are you?" It is 100% stressful, 100% of the time.

And I've been feeling more and more that maybe I should listen to the nagging part of my gut that tells me this isn't happening for a reason. It could be that all this time, I've been wrong. The thing about being a mom is I always felt like it was the one thing I would be really great at. I'm not really great at, well, anything. Put me in a group of people and despite any area I might excel at a little bit, I'm not known for being great at anything. For some reason, I always thought that would come when I was a mom.

But I feel like I'm being schooled there. I see so many moms around me who are truly exceptional. I'm in awe of them and I wonder if maybe I've been wrong. That maybe I wouldn't excel at being a mom and maybe somebody is trying to spare me the heartbreak of realizing that I suck at it.

That is probably, admittedly, my insecurities talking. But, I've really been thinking that there is a reason for this and I need to step back and take a closer look at things.

I could never stop wanting. Nothing will ever fill that void. Ever. And I won't ever do anything to keep from getting pregnant. No more birth control for me. I won't be avoiding fertile times. But I think the time has time come to stop this madness before I lose myself, my sanity, my marriage.

Nothing is set in stone. I'll chart out this cycle and go from there. This may just be a break. I don't know what this is.

All I know is whatever it is is not working for me anymore.

Anatomy of a BFN

I don't usually pick apart a cycle. I usually don't feel the need because I always feel like there were things we didn't do right or could have done better, so while disappointed and upset, I've tried to forge ahead with a better outlook for the next cycle.

This was different.

After the cycle before being a complete bust, which I turned out to be okay with, we resolved to do what we needed to do to get the job done.

We were continuing our fitness routine and I had added a BodyPump class once to twice a week (I will admit to missing quite a few workouts due to late nights staying up for playoff basketball). Of course I continued charting and broke the OPKs back out. The Hubby and I talked and we decided to see if we couldn't manage sex every day of positive OPKs.

Here's the thing about The Hubby and me. We've never been sex every day kind of people. In the nine and half years we've been together, I'm not sure we've ever had sex on back to back days except maybe the day we got married and the day after (and I'm not even 100% sure about that). Let's just say neither of us is usually up for that. But, he agreed to give it try. Since we know for sure there are no sperm issues, we figured it certainly couldn't hurt.

I got the first positive OPK on CD11. Sex. Another couple of positives on CD12. Sex during halftime of Game 2 Mavs vs. Lakers. Negative OPK on CD1 and a temp rise, BUT I had been ovulating on CD13 rather frequently and since positive OPKs indicate ovulation within the next 24 to 48 hours, we decided to try one more time. About killed us, but we did it. And I figured with the temp rise, at worst I would ovulate on CD14, but we had three days of sex before, so I wasn't worried.

Imagine my surprise when my temp went up again on CD14. One more high temp and I will have ovulated on CD12. Seriously? Apparanetly so because CD15 brought that temp rise and put me at 3DPO. While I thought this was odd, at least our timing couldn't have been better O-1, O, O+1. It really doesn't get any better than that.

And here came the "fun" part. The 2ww drag. BUT, I had a little something different going on this time - I was preparing for my Stella & Dot launch show, so I was distracted. Mark one toward the positive.

The Hubby bent over backwards to keep me stress free. He was wonderful. I had a major screwup - MAJOR. He acted like it was no big deal. He helped cook, clean, shop. He just did everything possible to make my life easier, so when he asked that I also think positive, it was easy to oblige. Mark two.

Then came the home stretch. Those last few days when emotions go crazy and phantom symptoms run rampant. So, symptoms? I just can't even tell them anymore, so I basically ignore ones that are there. The one I couldn't ignore was cramping, but since I'm not normally an early cramper, I did wonder.

Then there were the emotions. This is where it got interesting. My emotions were, in fact, all over the place, but there may have been underlying causes. This week at work was one of the best weeks we've had in a long time. We got multiple pieces of good news, so we were all on a bit of high. I think I got too caught up in it. I felt like maybe it was going to be a week of positives in more way than one. And this news indirectly affected some concerns I've had about maternity leave should I have gotten pregnant last cycle or this. So, maybe this really was all about timing.

And then my body messed with my mind yet again. I went all the way to 15DPO before buying tests. I have never had an LP longer than 14 days. Never say never.

Of course, it was not meant to be. And the reason I don't keep a positive outlook is because I fall so hard. I stayed positive right up until purchasing the pregnancy tests. I bought them, but I knew as I stood in line, I was wasting money.

I'm very angry. I know that I shouldn't be. I AM dealing with infertility. Plain and simple, no way around it. I am not going to get pregnant on my own. The problem is nobody else believes that. I fucking hate unexplained IF because people, including most importantly my own husband, do not think it is really real. Tests came back fine, so we just have to wait. Waiting and trying is futile at this point.

But, I also don't have a choice. I will talk to the doctor this cycle and make sure there is nothing else we want to test/look at before moving forward. At this point, though, the furthest we could move is Clomid. IUI is where we need to be, but we can't afford it and won't be able to for awhile. Hell, I don't actually even know how much the Clomid and the monitoring will be, so who knows if that will even be do-able (I'm sure it will be).

My hope has about run out. I can't handle much more of the pain and disappointment. Even when I'm numb to it, it's still too much to bear. I really feel like if it was going to happen for us, it would be happening without assistance. And it's not. If we can have perfect timing in so many ways and a perfect environment and not get pregnant, shouldn't I be taking THAT as a sign?

I truly, honestly do not know where I go from here. I'm tired of the whole thing. I feel like it is killing and picking away at my confidence and self esteem with each passing day. I feel sorry for myself. I feel bad for my husband and our families because I can't make a baby. I feel like a complete and utter failure (and I don't mean that I blame myself because I don't; I know it isn't actually my fault).

Two days into this new cycle, I don't know where I'm going. I've never entered a new cycle without hope, but that's how I feel right now. I feel like we will once again be going through the motions of trying to make a baby.

Only to fail again.