A lot of years ago, back when I fancied myself something of a writer (yeah, I was one of those AP English, almost English major types who thought I was going to write the great American novel), I started what I hoped to be a good story. A novel, I hoped. It was about woman who gave up much of her youth to care for younger siblings after her parents died. It was a story that started at end and took you back to where she had been to get to where she ended up.
The title I chose was "The Face in the Mirror."
The title, and then the story, was born from a moment I had in my own life. I was 23, out of college, no job, living at home with my parents and my brothers, was a year out from a break up with my first love. I was getting out of the bath tub, turned my head, and was my own face in the mirror.
It was one of the most clear out of body experiences I've ever had in my life. I felt as though the face staring back at me was a completely different person.
My reaction to that was to examine myself and where I was in my life and what it was that made me feel as though the person I was seeing wasn't me.
I realized that I still saw myself as the person I had been growing up, through high school. I still saw myself as the person I really felt like my old friends would always see me as, but I knew I wasn't that person anymore. I had recognized many times during college that I was a different person - a better version of myself. I had really grown up and into my own, but in doing so, I really had lost a lot of who I was as a person when I was a teenager. My life at that point was NOTHING like I expected and I didn't forsee it getting there any time soon.
Just yesterday, I had the same experience. I've had it off and on over the last year as I've dealth with IF. But, I think yesterday's moment was triggered by a combination of things.
I've already been feeling my age lately. And today, the older of my baby brothers turns 21. That may not seem significant, but when I can recount the day of his birth as well as my parent probably could, it's pretty significant to me.
And it's just put me back in the place of not recognizing myself because I'm no longer the person I once was and I'm, again, NOWHERE near where I expected to be at this point in my life.
I have a hard time defining myself these days. I have a hard time knowing how I am, where I'm headed, and what I want.
And it's not that everything in my life has revolved or been leading up to having kids. I've always had other things in my life. I have a husband, I have hobbies, I have a job I (usually) enjoy, I have friends, I have family, I have other goals. But for as long as I can ever remember - whenever I played pretend (no matter the game),whenever I pictured events in my life - me being a mom was there.
So, now, it's hard to see myself, at this age and stage of my life, and not see myself as a mom.
I'm struggling every day to move past that and to find me somewhere in this mess.
And hopefully I'll find myself in my reflection some day soon.
The title I chose was "The Face in the Mirror."
The title, and then the story, was born from a moment I had in my own life. I was 23, out of college, no job, living at home with my parents and my brothers, was a year out from a break up with my first love. I was getting out of the bath tub, turned my head, and was my own face in the mirror.
It was one of the most clear out of body experiences I've ever had in my life. I felt as though the face staring back at me was a completely different person.
My reaction to that was to examine myself and where I was in my life and what it was that made me feel as though the person I was seeing wasn't me.
I realized that I still saw myself as the person I had been growing up, through high school. I still saw myself as the person I really felt like my old friends would always see me as, but I knew I wasn't that person anymore. I had recognized many times during college that I was a different person - a better version of myself. I had really grown up and into my own, but in doing so, I really had lost a lot of who I was as a person when I was a teenager. My life at that point was NOTHING like I expected and I didn't forsee it getting there any time soon.
Just yesterday, I had the same experience. I've had it off and on over the last year as I've dealth with IF. But, I think yesterday's moment was triggered by a combination of things.
I've already been feeling my age lately. And today, the older of my baby brothers turns 21. That may not seem significant, but when I can recount the day of his birth as well as my parent probably could, it's pretty significant to me.
And it's just put me back in the place of not recognizing myself because I'm no longer the person I once was and I'm, again, NOWHERE near where I expected to be at this point in my life.
I have a hard time defining myself these days. I have a hard time knowing how I am, where I'm headed, and what I want.
And it's not that everything in my life has revolved or been leading up to having kids. I've always had other things in my life. I have a husband, I have hobbies, I have a job I (usually) enjoy, I have friends, I have family, I have other goals. But for as long as I can ever remember - whenever I played pretend (no matter the game),whenever I pictured events in my life - me being a mom was there.
So, now, it's hard to see myself, at this age and stage of my life, and not see myself as a mom.
I'm struggling every day to move past that and to find me somewhere in this mess.
And hopefully I'll find myself in my reflection some day soon.
No comments:
Post a Comment