Perception

Something was said to me today. A small, truly innocent comment, that hurt.

It hurt a lot. More than just about anything that has been said to me during this whole journey.

The content of the remark is not important. It was more the meaning behind - that it showed other people's perception of me and my feelings and actions during this process.

I thought I was past all of the negative perceptions and opinions of my struggle. I'm not naive enough to think there are not people who hold negative opinions about me and this process, but I felt that I was beyond that with people who know the situation - and me - best.

It was something I was always afraid, from the beginning - even before here was the IF.

I was afraid of being labeled as overly hormonal/emotional, as wanting it too much, as bitter.

I was afraid of it because in some ways those things are true. And because of a comment made to me at one point early on and stories I had heard from other about comments made to them, I kept things to myself and later between me and this blog.

Slowly, I did start to open up to more people. First, it was only when they asked. I didn't want to burden people with my problems and feelings that were so personal and I just felt too many wouldn't understand all the raw emotions.

To my surprise, many seemed to get it and I let my guard down more. I still don't openly talk about everything but it's out there.

But now I'm realizing it is too much and maybe I need to check myself more because people don't get it.

And they judge me. And they feel sorry for me. And they my own words and feelings against me, whether they mean to or not.

The thing is people don't get that I don't like the way I feel and the things I think. I would give anything not to be this way.

But I am.

And I still refuse to apologize for it.

But I probably will be a little more careful about hiding it from others.

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