My cousin is being induced today.
I found out that information yesterday and had forgotten a little until this morning because, as with much of her pregnancy, I've been in denial. But, now, there will be a baby. I cannot deny pretend it isn't happening anymore.
So, I went to her Facebook page and posted that I'm praying for her today and that I love her and can't wait to meet the baby.
All of those things are true. More than true.
And yet I cried as I typed. (And I'm at work, so that was fun.)
I don't mean to cry. It's almost involuntary (and I cry at everything, for any reason, so it really shouldn't be that surprising).
I'm just sad that this is real.
I'm sad that I'm the oldest, by far, of the grandchildren and I'm not providing the first great-grandchild. That is completely stupid and selfish and I fully recognize that, but I can't help it.
I'm sad that my IF issues are not as easy as hers were to figure out. (I have other opinions on that, but they are too crappy for me to even talk about in this blog. Those I keep just for the dark recesses of my own mind.)
I'm sad that we didn't get to be pregnant together and that any child I have will be at the very least 9 months younger.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared of seeing my family this weekend (not her; she lives 5 hours away) and the gushing that will go on and how I will react.
I'm scared of how I will be the first time I see the baby.
I'm just plain sad and scared for myself. None of this is about her. And I think that is something so many people just don't understand.
Her pregnancy and this baby did not cause these feelings. IF caused them. My cousin and the baby - and every other pregnancy and baby - are just triggers. They are constant reminders of what I'm not and what I don't have.
And I don't feel like that is a negative view. It's just the truth. I don't want anybody else's life or pregnancy or baby.
I just want my own, but every new one is that reminder.
I'm sure when I have to I will smile and ooh and aww. It's what I do. It's what I do best.
But, here, in my blog and in my thoughts, I do feel like a horrible person for putting on a happy face through my tears.
I found out that information yesterday and had forgotten a little until this morning because, as with much of her pregnancy, I've been in denial. But, now, there will be a baby. I cannot deny pretend it isn't happening anymore.
So, I went to her Facebook page and posted that I'm praying for her today and that I love her and can't wait to meet the baby.
All of those things are true. More than true.
And yet I cried as I typed. (And I'm at work, so that was fun.)
I don't mean to cry. It's almost involuntary (and I cry at everything, for any reason, so it really shouldn't be that surprising).
I'm just sad that this is real.
I'm sad that I'm the oldest, by far, of the grandchildren and I'm not providing the first great-grandchild. That is completely stupid and selfish and I fully recognize that, but I can't help it.
I'm sad that my IF issues are not as easy as hers were to figure out. (I have other opinions on that, but they are too crappy for me to even talk about in this blog. Those I keep just for the dark recesses of my own mind.)
I'm sad that we didn't get to be pregnant together and that any child I have will be at the very least 9 months younger.
And I'm scared.
I'm scared of seeing my family this weekend (not her; she lives 5 hours away) and the gushing that will go on and how I will react.
I'm scared of how I will be the first time I see the baby.
I'm just plain sad and scared for myself. None of this is about her. And I think that is something so many people just don't understand.
Her pregnancy and this baby did not cause these feelings. IF caused them. My cousin and the baby - and every other pregnancy and baby - are just triggers. They are constant reminders of what I'm not and what I don't have.
And I don't feel like that is a negative view. It's just the truth. I don't want anybody else's life or pregnancy or baby.
I just want my own, but every new one is that reminder.
I'm sure when I have to I will smile and ooh and aww. It's what I do. It's what I do best.
But, here, in my blog and in my thoughts, I do feel like a horrible person for putting on a happy face through my tears.
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