I didn't think I would get to the point where things would feel different or worse than they already did after hitting the year mark.
At the year mark, I unofficially qualified myself as infertile. After all the testing, even after no diagnosis, I began to officially see myself as struggling with IF. It was a hard transition to make because I didn't want it to be true. Since then, though, I've slowly come to accept it and live with it.
But, as I hit the two-year mark, I see that this journey can still surprise me - not in a good way.
Babies and pregnancies are hard. Literally, the only babies I can really tolerate hearing about or seeing are those of a couple of close friends and my nieces/nephew. And at times, even that overwhelmes me. All other babies, and especially pregnant women, make me sad.
The thought of a baby shower gives me major anxiety. Major.
I no longer hold out hope. It's not that I'm a Debbie Downer, woe is me, I'm never having a baby type of gal, but sometimes it feels that way. I'm not on track for any type of fertility treatment, so the longer we go at this - and the older I get - the less likely I feel our chances our.
Now, my 2ww consists of hoping my period shows on a weekend or my work from home day so I can be miserable in private and thinking about when my period will start so I can ignore any weight gain and wear the appropriate clothes to mask my bloating. Gone are the days of thinking about what day I might test or even looking ahead to the next cycle.
And with each cycle, the older I get. And I think about it. A lot.
I've never been the type of person to think about or care about my age. I've never felt old (and I realize I'm relatively young to ever feel old, but some people do). Turning 25 was fine. I had no issues turning 30. But, as 34 looms ahead in two short months, I'm really feeling the weight of it all.
All you ever hear about when it comes to age and fertility is that bit 35 cutoff for AMA. And even though my egg reserve and 33 and few months was good, that could very easily drop rapidly in 14 months. And I worry about getting pregnant any time after the next six months for fear of pregnancy after the AMA cutoff - that means amnios and all sorts of other risks. That's scary.
And the other side of that is just feeling so out of place at my age. I get on Facebook and people I went to school with have kids in middle school - I think one even has a high schooler. And almost all the others have school-age kiddos and/or toddlers. It makes me sad for me to see pictures. It hit me the other day looking at pictures of a guy I went to school with and his newborn baby and older son. He looked so "old". And he's my age. And I realized it was that he was grown up. And in some ways, I feel like I'm not. And that doesn't even make any sense, but I feel like all of these people who are my age are so much older than me because they are parents and they are at that stage of life. I feel so far behind but then it makes me realize my age and makes me feel old - too old for all this.
Two years ago, when this all started, my face broke out so horribly from day one and I gained 15-20 pounds in less than month. And I thought, it's okay. Eventually my body will adjust, I thought, and, if not, pregnancy will just cause all this anyway, so it's okay. I can muddle through.
Two years later, I'm just frustrated and unhappy. I'm tired of hormones ruling my appearance. Yes, I could probably do more about my weight, but even when I try, it seems, nothing changes. And there is nothing I can do about my acne. I'm tired of being 33-years-old and feeling like I want to hide myself. I feel so confident about so many things, but my appearance just takes that all away.
Confidence is something else I have lost. I feel like a failure at everything. I feel like I cannot do anything right - work, house, money, my Stella & Dot venture, being a wife. That's what IF has done to me.
And I'm just so tired of IF and wanting a family taking over my life.
I want to go to the State Fair with my husband and not wonder what it would be like to go with a baby next year since we want to make it an annual thing, but then be sad that it probably won't be an issue next year.
I want to look at a car and not wonder how well a car seat would fit in the back and how much cargo space there is for baby/kid stuff. And then be sad that I shouldn't really be considering that.
I want to see the box with my Christmas tree and get excited that it's almost time to decorate for Christmas - but not think that I don't know if I can handle another Christmas without a baby or pregnancy.
I want my life back. Of course, I don't want my old life back. I want the rest of my life to start.
I hate myself for thinking that way because I have husband who loves me, I have awesome dogs, I have a wonderful family, I have a job I actually still like most days, and I have good friends.
But, I don't know how that will ever be enough.
At the year mark, I unofficially qualified myself as infertile. After all the testing, even after no diagnosis, I began to officially see myself as struggling with IF. It was a hard transition to make because I didn't want it to be true. Since then, though, I've slowly come to accept it and live with it.
But, as I hit the two-year mark, I see that this journey can still surprise me - not in a good way.
Babies and pregnancies are hard. Literally, the only babies I can really tolerate hearing about or seeing are those of a couple of close friends and my nieces/nephew. And at times, even that overwhelmes me. All other babies, and especially pregnant women, make me sad.
The thought of a baby shower gives me major anxiety. Major.
I no longer hold out hope. It's not that I'm a Debbie Downer, woe is me, I'm never having a baby type of gal, but sometimes it feels that way. I'm not on track for any type of fertility treatment, so the longer we go at this - and the older I get - the less likely I feel our chances our.
Now, my 2ww consists of hoping my period shows on a weekend or my work from home day so I can be miserable in private and thinking about when my period will start so I can ignore any weight gain and wear the appropriate clothes to mask my bloating. Gone are the days of thinking about what day I might test or even looking ahead to the next cycle.
And with each cycle, the older I get. And I think about it. A lot.
I've never been the type of person to think about or care about my age. I've never felt old (and I realize I'm relatively young to ever feel old, but some people do). Turning 25 was fine. I had no issues turning 30. But, as 34 looms ahead in two short months, I'm really feeling the weight of it all.
All you ever hear about when it comes to age and fertility is that bit 35 cutoff for AMA. And even though my egg reserve and 33 and few months was good, that could very easily drop rapidly in 14 months. And I worry about getting pregnant any time after the next six months for fear of pregnancy after the AMA cutoff - that means amnios and all sorts of other risks. That's scary.
And the other side of that is just feeling so out of place at my age. I get on Facebook and people I went to school with have kids in middle school - I think one even has a high schooler. And almost all the others have school-age kiddos and/or toddlers. It makes me sad for me to see pictures. It hit me the other day looking at pictures of a guy I went to school with and his newborn baby and older son. He looked so "old". And he's my age. And I realized it was that he was grown up. And in some ways, I feel like I'm not. And that doesn't even make any sense, but I feel like all of these people who are my age are so much older than me because they are parents and they are at that stage of life. I feel so far behind but then it makes me realize my age and makes me feel old - too old for all this.
Two years ago, when this all started, my face broke out so horribly from day one and I gained 15-20 pounds in less than month. And I thought, it's okay. Eventually my body will adjust, I thought, and, if not, pregnancy will just cause all this anyway, so it's okay. I can muddle through.
Two years later, I'm just frustrated and unhappy. I'm tired of hormones ruling my appearance. Yes, I could probably do more about my weight, but even when I try, it seems, nothing changes. And there is nothing I can do about my acne. I'm tired of being 33-years-old and feeling like I want to hide myself. I feel so confident about so many things, but my appearance just takes that all away.
Confidence is something else I have lost. I feel like a failure at everything. I feel like I cannot do anything right - work, house, money, my Stella & Dot venture, being a wife. That's what IF has done to me.
And I'm just so tired of IF and wanting a family taking over my life.
I want to go to the State Fair with my husband and not wonder what it would be like to go with a baby next year since we want to make it an annual thing, but then be sad that it probably won't be an issue next year.
I want to look at a car and not wonder how well a car seat would fit in the back and how much cargo space there is for baby/kid stuff. And then be sad that I shouldn't really be considering that.
I want to see the box with my Christmas tree and get excited that it's almost time to decorate for Christmas - but not think that I don't know if I can handle another Christmas without a baby or pregnancy.
I want my life back. Of course, I don't want my old life back. I want the rest of my life to start.
I hate myself for thinking that way because I have husband who loves me, I have awesome dogs, I have a wonderful family, I have a job I actually still like most days, and I have good friends.
But, I don't know how that will ever be enough.
2 comments:
(((HUGS)))
Enormous hugs to you. I am so sorry you have all of these difficult emotions, but you write about them all so candidly - you are stronger than you know.
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