Because

Because the baby who just learned to walk will still take a few minutes to stop walking and snuggle with her favorite aunt.

Because The Hubby, who never so much as held a baby, flocks to the two-year-old with cerebral palsey and makes her giggle.

Because The Hubby finds as much amusement as a three-year-old in jumping over every crack in the Walmart floor.

Because a three-year-old swinging his legs while holding our hands walking to the car is great fun - a great arm workout!

Because there is no better sound than a young child's incessant giggle.

Because it is so much fun to learn how much they know.

Because I love the brownies in the kids' frozen meals and, somehow, I always end up with them.

Because seeing The Hubby and three-year-old cuddle in their sleep melts my heart.

Because my Raspy needs a new BFF - much to Daddy's chagrin.

Because after a full weekend with three-year-old, we weren't exhausted and relieved to have our quiet (ha!) home back - in fact, it would have been just fine if he had stayed, permanantly.

Crying

What is it about some days? I feel so over it all this morning. I can't even get makeup on because I can't stop crying. For no real reason other than I'm just so over this whole thing. And even I'm tired of me.

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The Hole

How can you ache for something you've never had? Miss someone who has never existed?

How can I have dreams and visions of a child I may never know? How do I have flashes of doing things that might never happen?

It's starting to get harder. Across the board harder. I'm having a more difficult time with it all. Maybe it is bitterness setting in. Maybe it is the knowledge that, right now, the situation is not changing so my focus has sort of been elsewhere. Maybe it is BECAUSE my focus has been elsewhere - you know, they say if you relax and don't think about it it will happen.

I've started to hate Facebook a little. Within the last three weeks, I've seen at least three pregnancy announcements out of nowhere (of course they are out of nowhere for me because these are people I only have contact with on Facebook, but they are still pregnancies I didn't see coming). I've recently friended my pregnant cousin and immediately wished I hadn't. And she doesn't even post that much. It's even hard to see pictures of the kiddos I love seeing.

It is not about jealousy or why them and not me. I'm just sad for me. I don't wish others' babies away or wish they were mine. I actually physically ache sometimes for my child that does not exist. I cannot even seem to articulate what I'm feeling these days. I feel so far removed from getting pregnant and being a mommy yet at the same time the nonexistent child and lack of motherhood are the biggest holes in my life.

I've tried for nearly two years now to find the balance. To live my life while trying. To make my life about other things. And, quite frankly, I'm kind of there. While the Hubby and I are still battling with some TTC tension, we're actually in a decent place. The Hubby and I are both really focused on our health and losing weight. My job is probably better than it has been in a lot of years. I'm doing something for myself and trying to set some new goals with my new Stella & Dot venture.

But I fear that all that balance has done is still shown where that gaping hole is. I think I feel like "hey, karma/God/fates/whatever, my life is in balance. Where's my baby?"

But, maybe that alone makes me still not there yet.

How Exactly Am I Supposed To Be?

This is the question I would love to ask of the people who say and think that I just need to relax. However you say it, please elaborate on how it is I am supposed to be.

At my RE's office yesterday, the nurse I saw told me I should "take a break, go on vacation, drink some margaritas, and I'll get preggers." Really? Is that your medical opinion to someone who has been trying over a year and a half and is seeing a fertility specialist? Wow. Why am I paying you, then?

Even my husband says "everybody" tells him I just need to relax. Really? So, at no point in the last 20+ months was I ever relaxed enough to get pregnant? You'd think the odds would be on my side. Clearly not.

My question is what exactly would people have me do? Am I supposed to forget that I want to get pregnant? Could someone give me some pointers in that? Because countless months of varying hobbies, a promotion at work, starting my own business, general life events have not been able to push that out of my mind. It's not on my mind all the time, but given that it is a life goal and it is a priority right now, not sure how to forget about it.

So, let's say I schedule this vacation. What if I schedule it and it's not when I'm ovulating? So, then I relax, have all the margaritas and sex I want but I'm not going to get pregnant. Or, should I schedule the vacation around ovulation? But then wouldn't that sort of defeat the purpose? Hmm . . .

And I'm sure there are many out there who say, "oh, well, you shouldn't worry about all that ovulation stuff." Oh, okay, you're right, it's better to not know about my body. But, let's say, I don't chart and know exactly when. Well, guess what? I do happen to be one of the lucky ones who has very regular cycles, so I ALWAYS have a pretty guess at when it is/is going to/has happened. So, I'm always going to know. I've gotten to the point, though, where I don't worry about it. We've had crappy timing, we've had dead-on timing. We're not pregnant. So, I've relaxed a lot about it. Sometimes I still get upset about, but it's too exhausting to expect either of us to perform under those circumstances.

I'm just so sick of people thinking they know what this is like. Unless you have been there, you do not know how this feels.
And I am perfectly well aware of all the people who have stopped trying or gone on vacation thinking they were getting away from it all and gotten pregnant.

Yes, it happens.

It might happen to me.

But, so far, it hasn't. And I have a right to be upset about it. I have a right to get stressed out by it from time to time. I have a right to feel depressed about it.

Quite frankly, I have no doubt that if I ever do get pregnant, it will be on my own when I've lost hope (and, believe me, I'm not far from that). That's just sort of the thing that happens to me.

But, that doesn't mean I haven't battled IF. I think so many people do not realize the meaning of IF. There isn't always a documented reason. There isn't always an answer. Not everybody comes out on the other end of IF with a baby, so when you are in the middle of it, when you are battling it, it so often feels like a losing battle.

Well, This Is New

Given that we have not been able to time things this cycle and given my utter exhaustion of the whole process, I had every intention of calling off this cycle and possibly taking a complete break. I was just done. I didn't even bother to temp. Sunday morning even though it should have confirmed ovulation.

Apparently, my uterus decided that IT would make those kind of decisions for me.

I woke up Sunday morning, CD13, to bleeding when I went to the bathroom. Um, what?!

This was not just a little blood. Definitely not spotting. Though, I did wonder at first - maybe ovulation bleeding. Never had it myself, but there is a first time for everything.

But, I knew almost immediately, this was not what was going on. I had put a pantyliner on just in case and it quickly became obvious that wasn't going to do the trick. Within a few hours, I was having period-like bleeding, with some clotting.

I've felt sort of "off". Not sure how to explain it. When I first woke up Sunday morning, I actually thought I felt like I had PMS cramping - nothing intense, just there. And I've continued to have that, a little worse Sunday evening. My tummy also feels icky, which is a PMS symptom for me.

And I've been a bit lightheaded.

Seriously, WTF is going on with my body? Here I am supposed to be ovulating and I'm having another period? Without ovulation? Or is something else going on?

I won't lie. I wondered about a miscarriage. My period two weeks ago was mostly normal on paper, but I thought it felt off. Maybe I'm crazy. And my post period temps have been mostly normal except for the two big drops, but my CM pattern has been completely off.

I REALLY don't want to call the doctor. I've mentioned before my issue with calling doctors. But, I have to, right? I mean, this is NOT normal. It is now 24 hours later and the bleeding is still significant.

I just really can't handle another issue at this point. I'm at my breaking point and this is just not helping.

Out of The Hubby's Mouth: Father's Day

"Happy Father's Day to my Father and all the Fathers out there. Pray that I will be a Father one day!!"

The Hubby's Father's Day Facebook post.

These are the things that make me remember why I want to have children with this man and also make the disappointments 1,000 times harder.

The Hubby is so different from me when it comes to trying and to the emotions of it all. He doesn't understand why it hurt to see my grandmother so enthralled by the itty-bitty newborn that she was holding that she didn't even greet me when I walked in the house or to hear my mother, once again, discussing pregnancy woes with someone who isn't me.  He can't comprehend the emotional toll that wacky hormones takes on my body month after month, day after day. He doesn't share my fears of how to live my life if it never happens.

But, every once and awhile, he pulls something like that out of his back pocket and makes up for all the rest.

NBA Finals Win Defeats PMS?

As it turns out, MY Dallas Mavericks winning the NBA Championship is the only thing in this very long TTC process to make me say (in regards to declining temps over the last two days; on 12DPO today) "but, that's okay; Mavs are NBA Champs!"

Who knew?

You might call me pathetic for admitting that a sporting event is the one thing that could make me happy despite the struggle when so many other good things have happened during this time - babies born to friends, nieces born, pregnancies announced, I got a long-awaited promotion, friends did not lose their jobs, baby brother graduated high school. There have been a lot.

Maybe it's because this wasn't personal to me. I don't know. Maybe I just love sports way too much - that's not really even a maybe.

But, I do know that, without a doubt, for today, I don't really care that my temps are dropping, that my boobs are killing me, and that I have definite cramping going on. I have fleeting sarcastic moments of "hey, great, I'm cramping" but then I can't help but smile. Because my team won a hard-fought, much deserved battle to get their their championship rings.

I'm riding this wave as long as I can!