The Hole

How can you ache for something you've never had? Miss someone who has never existed?

How can I have dreams and visions of a child I may never know? How do I have flashes of doing things that might never happen?

It's starting to get harder. Across the board harder. I'm having a more difficult time with it all. Maybe it is bitterness setting in. Maybe it is the knowledge that, right now, the situation is not changing so my focus has sort of been elsewhere. Maybe it is BECAUSE my focus has been elsewhere - you know, they say if you relax and don't think about it it will happen.

I've started to hate Facebook a little. Within the last three weeks, I've seen at least three pregnancy announcements out of nowhere (of course they are out of nowhere for me because these are people I only have contact with on Facebook, but they are still pregnancies I didn't see coming). I've recently friended my pregnant cousin and immediately wished I hadn't. And she doesn't even post that much. It's even hard to see pictures of the kiddos I love seeing.

It is not about jealousy or why them and not me. I'm just sad for me. I don't wish others' babies away or wish they were mine. I actually physically ache sometimes for my child that does not exist. I cannot even seem to articulate what I'm feeling these days. I feel so far removed from getting pregnant and being a mommy yet at the same time the nonexistent child and lack of motherhood are the biggest holes in my life.

I've tried for nearly two years now to find the balance. To live my life while trying. To make my life about other things. And, quite frankly, I'm kind of there. While the Hubby and I are still battling with some TTC tension, we're actually in a decent place. The Hubby and I are both really focused on our health and losing weight. My job is probably better than it has been in a lot of years. I'm doing something for myself and trying to set some new goals with my new Stella & Dot venture.

But I fear that all that balance has done is still shown where that gaping hole is. I think I feel like "hey, karma/God/fates/whatever, my life is in balance. Where's my baby?"

But, maybe that alone makes me still not there yet.