I'm decorating the house for Christmas today.
It's one of my very favorite things to do in the world. I love Christmas. I love the music, the lights, the weather, smells, the colors. You name it I ove it.
This year, I feel like I'm putting a little more into it. I'm making lists of things I need to "fill in" the gaps in my decoration and have every intention of actually making the purchases.
The Hubby even seems into it more than usual. He was practically giddy on the way home from Thanksgiving dinner know that the next day was decoration day (which got delayed 2 days due to my illness). He happily helped move furniture to make room for the tree, brought the tree in from garage without a grumble, and hasn't rolled one eye at my Christmas bear collection.
It has been a very good day in our house.
Until I hung the stockings.
Still only 5--one for each of us, one for each of the furbabies, and one for our angel furbaby.
But not one for a baby.
Decorating last year, I wondered how I would rearrange things to make room for a 6th stocking this year. It never occurred to me that I would be approaching this next Christmas still TTC and still without the need for a new stocking. I really thought I would have an infant or, at the very least, be pregnant this Christmas.
It hit me hard. But, I did manage to hold back the tears. I didn't want to ruin the mood and I didn't want to upset the hubby. He's got so much hope right now that this cycle is it. I keep getting caught up in that even though my practical side is trying to fight it. It's so early and I've been disappointed so many times.
Maybe by Christmas, we'll have reason to go buy a new stocking. I probably wouldn't, but the thought that it is still a possiblity gives me hope.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Sick Sex
It's called dedication.
I have been slowly getting sicker all week. Sore throat started Monday night. Took a some cold meds. Sex.
Fever Tuesday. Better Wednesday but late night made us both two tired for sex despite the positive OPK.
Then came Thursday. Thanksgiving. Negative OPK. So, that meant today ir Friday were probably it. But we also had to get up and I had to pretend not to feel like crap for Turkey Day, which would inevidibly make me feel worse
But I was determined. And, thanks to a renewed passion to succced by the hubby, he was a willing party despite my ickiness.
So, it was after midnight (in other words Friday morning) when the hubby made it to bed and since my temp was up this morning, we may have missed the window.
But, by God, we did it.
And all I can say is that is determination and dedication to the cause.
So it damn well better have worked!
I have been slowly getting sicker all week. Sore throat started Monday night. Took a some cold meds. Sex.
Fever Tuesday. Better Wednesday but late night made us both two tired for sex despite the positive OPK.
Then came Thursday. Thanksgiving. Negative OPK. So, that meant today ir Friday were probably it. But we also had to get up and I had to pretend not to feel like crap for Turkey Day, which would inevidibly make me feel worse
But I was determined. And, thanks to a renewed passion to succced by the hubby, he was a willing party despite my ickiness.
So, it was after midnight (in other words Friday morning) when the hubby made it to bed and since my temp was up this morning, we may have missed the window.
But, by God, we did it.
And all I can say is that is determination and dedication to the cause.
So it damn well better have worked!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Product Review: Evening Primrose Oil
As I mentioned a few days back, one of my "things I'm doing different" this cycle is taking Evening Primrose Oil (EPO). The reason for this is I had heard from many ladies on The Bump that it helped increase EWCM.
Let me tell you, it does!
Because I'm not all "sciencey" (I'm a copy editor, I get to make up words like that), so I will provide a link to a site that will give some insight into the supplement and how it works.
So, I started taking it on CD4 (or 4, now I can't remember). The bottle says to take 3 a day (these are 1,000mg capsules), but I've only been taking 2. I take them at night before bed along with my prenatal vitamin.
As per my norm, I started with watery CM a day or so after my period ended, actually had some spotting with the watery CM one day. But, much to my surprise, instead of dry or creamy CM after a few days of watery as usual, I went to EWCM on CD 10. Normally, I don't start seeing any until at least CD12, later the past few months.
Starting in July, I believe, I noticed considerably less EWCM than I had experienced in the past. This had never been an issue for me, even before I started drinking green tea, which also is supposed to help with EWCM. But since July, I have had maybe one day of EWCM and sometimes that was questionable. I drank water, drank green, and nothing.
I also bought PreSeed to try this cycle, but have yet to need to break it out. I figure why pull out the "fake" stuff when I've got so much natural to work with?
I just wanted to throw in a little update on that--Jen, mostly for you since you asked!
Of course, I have no say of knowing right now if it will help me actually get pregnant, but it has definitely done what it was supposed to and I am VERY happy about that!
Oh, and I got a positive OPK this afternoon on CD12--earliest one I've ever gotten. So, pretty excited about that to (funny how positive OPKs are the one thing I still get excited about in this whole process). Bring on the ovulation!
Let me tell you, it does!
Because I'm not all "sciencey" (I'm a copy editor, I get to make up words like that), so I will provide a link to a site that will give some insight into the supplement and how it works.
So, I started taking it on CD4 (or 4, now I can't remember). The bottle says to take 3 a day (these are 1,000mg capsules), but I've only been taking 2. I take them at night before bed along with my prenatal vitamin.
As per my norm, I started with watery CM a day or so after my period ended, actually had some spotting with the watery CM one day. But, much to my surprise, instead of dry or creamy CM after a few days of watery as usual, I went to EWCM on CD 10. Normally, I don't start seeing any until at least CD12, later the past few months.
Starting in July, I believe, I noticed considerably less EWCM than I had experienced in the past. This had never been an issue for me, even before I started drinking green tea, which also is supposed to help with EWCM. But since July, I have had maybe one day of EWCM and sometimes that was questionable. I drank water, drank green, and nothing.
I also bought PreSeed to try this cycle, but have yet to need to break it out. I figure why pull out the "fake" stuff when I've got so much natural to work with?
I just wanted to throw in a little update on that--Jen, mostly for you since you asked!
Of course, I have no say of knowing right now if it will help me actually get pregnant, but it has definitely done what it was supposed to and I am VERY happy about that!
Oh, and I got a positive OPK this afternoon on CD12--earliest one I've ever gotten. So, pretty excited about that to (funny how positive OPKs are the one thing I still get excited about in this whole process). Bring on the ovulation!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Such a Bitch
Me, that is.
I feel horrible.
I need to admit something here that I have only admitted to one person. I have been "preparing" myself to make happy faces for a pregnancy announcement.
As Thanksgiving draws closer and I still am not pregnant, I have been very afraid of my cousin, who started trying in May-ish, announcing her pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I will genuinely be happy but as anyone who has struggled knows, there are still mixed emotions.
So, I've been preparing myself for a couple if weeks now so that when it happens, I will react appropriately.
Today, I feel like crap. I told my mom what I've been doing. And she told me my cousin had been having problems. We don't know any details past she's had to be put on birth control to regulate things.
How selfish am I? Here I have been just assuming she'd get pregnant right away. And all I could think about is how I would react.
Th other thing that sucks is I had just reached a point where I was thinking how cool it would be for us to be pregnant and have babies together. I have been thinking that maybe it would bring us closer and how much the family would love it.
Now, I find out we have this other bond and it is one I don't want to have. Despite what you might think based on what I've said in this post, the minute I found out she was trying, I prayed she would not have any issues even if that meant she got pregnant before me. I could just never wish how I feel and what I have gone through on anyone, let alone family.
So, now I know we have this in common. And clearly she is under a doctor's care. And now I don't know what to do.
Do I talk to her? Do I ignore it? I'm a talker and would love if someone in a similar situation wanted to talk but would she feel the same? But would she be afraid to approach me?
Infertility sucks.
I feel horrible.
I need to admit something here that I have only admitted to one person. I have been "preparing" myself to make happy faces for a pregnancy announcement.
As Thanksgiving draws closer and I still am not pregnant, I have been very afraid of my cousin, who started trying in May-ish, announcing her pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I will genuinely be happy but as anyone who has struggled knows, there are still mixed emotions.
So, I've been preparing myself for a couple if weeks now so that when it happens, I will react appropriately.
Today, I feel like crap. I told my mom what I've been doing. And she told me my cousin had been having problems. We don't know any details past she's had to be put on birth control to regulate things.
How selfish am I? Here I have been just assuming she'd get pregnant right away. And all I could think about is how I would react.
Th other thing that sucks is I had just reached a point where I was thinking how cool it would be for us to be pregnant and have babies together. I have been thinking that maybe it would bring us closer and how much the family would love it.
Now, I find out we have this other bond and it is one I don't want to have. Despite what you might think based on what I've said in this post, the minute I found out she was trying, I prayed she would not have any issues even if that meant she got pregnant before me. I could just never wish how I feel and what I have gone through on anyone, let alone family.
So, now I know we have this in common. And clearly she is under a doctor's care. And now I don't know what to do.
Do I talk to her? Do I ignore it? I'm a talker and would love if someone in a similar situation wanted to talk but would she feel the same? But would she be afraid to approach me?
Infertility sucks.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5
Sunday, November 21, 2010
What Is the Answer?
No, not to that question.
I know there is no secret answer to how to get pregnant. Trust me, I'd have found it by now.
The question: how do we make people understand? Correction. How do we help people understand?
That one may be just as hard to answer.
People do not understand infertility. Actually, many people don't even understand simply trying to get pregnant. At least, not in my experience.
So, they say things like "relax and it'll happen" or "you should have kids by now" or "what's taking you so long" or "my mother's cousin's friend tried for years and as soon as they adopted, they were pregnant." Or they offer helpful advice like "oh, you should use those those ovulation predictors" or "you should take a vacation" or "do you elevate your hips after sex?" or "have sex on the 14th day of your cycle."
These are all the words of someone who has never had to try to get pregnant--whether they had an unplanned or planned pregnancy.
(I want to make it VERY clear right here that there is absolutely 100% NO judgement from me on the unplanned pregnancy front. Every baby is a blessing and every baby is put on this earth by God for a purpose. And I have a lot of people in my life who are the results of uplanned pregnancies and I would never wish that any of them were not here.)
Relaxing, even if you are not diagnosed with infertility will not make you pregnant. Elevating hips? A myth. Sex on CD 14--biggest TTC myth on the planet. Adoption? That's an awfully expensive way to ensure pregnancy. Ovulation predictors? One, they don't work for everyone, and two, a positive does not actually ensure ovulation. I should have kids by now? No freaking kidding--want to also pour salt and lemon juice on that open wound? Why is it taking so long? If I could answer that, I'd have a baby by now.
Problem is most of the time when people say these things they either don't know we are trying, don't mean anything by it at all, and/or don't know we are struggling. So, how can I possibly be mad. Hurt, yes. Mad, seems irrational. But, it happens.
My friend (who was pregnant within 2 to 3 months of trying) didn't mean anything by her comment to someone the other day "oh, you must have kids." That twisted the knife a little. Because, you know, someone without kids could never have thought to make a purse that was washable and had removeable pieces for washing. The comment was not directed at me nor did it have anything to do with my struggles nor should I have even given it a second thought. But, I did.
My brother, father through an unplanned pregnancy (see above; this is just for informational purposes), asks if we planned on trying or had been. I simply said we have been. He then continues to joke around having fun practicing and such. Yeah, that went out the window a long time ago.
My grandmother said to me a few months back "Oh, there's no hurry. You have plenty of time." This was on Mother's Day. Bless her heart, I know all she was trying to do was help me not feel bad and not be upset about it. But, I'd already been trying for 7 months and I had already his the point where I'd be 33, at least, by the time a baby was born. Time not so much a nonfactor.
So, back to my question. How to we help people understand? How do we make them see what's going on?
For me, the answer is I don't.
Most of the people in my life know that we are trying. Some may not realize for how long. Many may not realize the effects it is having on me. And that's not really their fault. I'm pretty much the queen of putting on a smile and making it through.
Occasionally I crack. Like the day I'm fairly certain my friend caught whatever emotions were dancing across my face as we sat through a baby shower at work--the same day I had gotten the BFN, which I had told her about.
More often, I don't talk about it. I'm afraid to. Sometimes I want to talk about, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the pity. I've seen it in people's faces. I'm afraid the brushoff because people don't know what to say. I'm afraid they'll stop including me, which is the last thing I want. I'm afraid of being seen as bitter or sad or depressed.
On the flip side, people don't say the right things or they just say nothing at all. Especially when they know I am struggling. I don't think they know what to say. They don't want to offend or upset. Or they don't know what to ask or what the protocol is.
The thing is I don't know what the protocol is.
And so the circle continues. And that is why I don't have the answer to my question.
I know society as a whole should have a better understanding of this subject. But, they don't. And I can honestly say that I don't think all the understanding in the world would make it better.
Like I said before, many of the things that are said or not said are not coming from a bad place. They are not meant to hurt or offend. Often, they are not coming out of lack of full understanding (sometimes they are, but many times not).
People speak to what they know. Using OPKs word for some people. Not thinking about it works for some people. People have kids. They talk about them. Women are or have been pregnant. They talk about it.
All of these things tug at me. But, I can't stop every conversation to tell or remind people that I am not nor have I ever been but I really want to be pregnant.
Do I wish we lived in a world where everybody understood everybody else's feeling? Maybe. But, that's asking a lot. And I absolutely do not wish that every person had to go through what I and so many other couple are going through. Actually, on my more insightful days, I say a prayer that couple I know don't go through it and thank God that most of them haven't.
All I know is that people will continue to say things to me. I can dwell on it or I can move on. I can educate them or I can let them live in a world where these things don't exist. Neither response is wrong. Neither party is wrong.
TTC struggles and infertility are what they are.
They suck, but they are mine.
I know there is no secret answer to how to get pregnant. Trust me, I'd have found it by now.
The question: how do we make people understand? Correction. How do we help people understand?
That one may be just as hard to answer.
People do not understand infertility. Actually, many people don't even understand simply trying to get pregnant. At least, not in my experience.
So, they say things like "relax and it'll happen" or "you should have kids by now" or "what's taking you so long" or "my mother's cousin's friend tried for years and as soon as they adopted, they were pregnant." Or they offer helpful advice like "oh, you should use those those ovulation predictors" or "you should take a vacation" or "do you elevate your hips after sex?" or "have sex on the 14th day of your cycle."
These are all the words of someone who has never had to try to get pregnant--whether they had an unplanned or planned pregnancy.
(I want to make it VERY clear right here that there is absolutely 100% NO judgement from me on the unplanned pregnancy front. Every baby is a blessing and every baby is put on this earth by God for a purpose. And I have a lot of people in my life who are the results of uplanned pregnancies and I would never wish that any of them were not here.)
Relaxing, even if you are not diagnosed with infertility will not make you pregnant. Elevating hips? A myth. Sex on CD 14--biggest TTC myth on the planet. Adoption? That's an awfully expensive way to ensure pregnancy. Ovulation predictors? One, they don't work for everyone, and two, a positive does not actually ensure ovulation. I should have kids by now? No freaking kidding--want to also pour salt and lemon juice on that open wound? Why is it taking so long? If I could answer that, I'd have a baby by now.
Problem is most of the time when people say these things they either don't know we are trying, don't mean anything by it at all, and/or don't know we are struggling. So, how can I possibly be mad. Hurt, yes. Mad, seems irrational. But, it happens.
My friend (who was pregnant within 2 to 3 months of trying) didn't mean anything by her comment to someone the other day "oh, you must have kids." That twisted the knife a little. Because, you know, someone without kids could never have thought to make a purse that was washable and had removeable pieces for washing. The comment was not directed at me nor did it have anything to do with my struggles nor should I have even given it a second thought. But, I did.
My brother, father through an unplanned pregnancy (see above; this is just for informational purposes), asks if we planned on trying or had been. I simply said we have been. He then continues to joke around having fun practicing and such. Yeah, that went out the window a long time ago.
My grandmother said to me a few months back "Oh, there's no hurry. You have plenty of time." This was on Mother's Day. Bless her heart, I know all she was trying to do was help me not feel bad and not be upset about it. But, I'd already been trying for 7 months and I had already his the point where I'd be 33, at least, by the time a baby was born. Time not so much a nonfactor.
So, back to my question. How to we help people understand? How do we make them see what's going on?
For me, the answer is I don't.
Most of the people in my life know that we are trying. Some may not realize for how long. Many may not realize the effects it is having on me. And that's not really their fault. I'm pretty much the queen of putting on a smile and making it through.
Occasionally I crack. Like the day I'm fairly certain my friend caught whatever emotions were dancing across my face as we sat through a baby shower at work--the same day I had gotten the BFN, which I had told her about.
More often, I don't talk about it. I'm afraid to. Sometimes I want to talk about, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the pity. I've seen it in people's faces. I'm afraid the brushoff because people don't know what to say. I'm afraid they'll stop including me, which is the last thing I want. I'm afraid of being seen as bitter or sad or depressed.
On the flip side, people don't say the right things or they just say nothing at all. Especially when they know I am struggling. I don't think they know what to say. They don't want to offend or upset. Or they don't know what to ask or what the protocol is.
The thing is I don't know what the protocol is.
And so the circle continues. And that is why I don't have the answer to my question.
I know society as a whole should have a better understanding of this subject. But, they don't. And I can honestly say that I don't think all the understanding in the world would make it better.
Like I said before, many of the things that are said or not said are not coming from a bad place. They are not meant to hurt or offend. Often, they are not coming out of lack of full understanding (sometimes they are, but many times not).
People speak to what they know. Using OPKs word for some people. Not thinking about it works for some people. People have kids. They talk about them. Women are or have been pregnant. They talk about it.
All of these things tug at me. But, I can't stop every conversation to tell or remind people that I am not nor have I ever been but I really want to be pregnant.
Do I wish we lived in a world where everybody understood everybody else's feeling? Maybe. But, that's asking a lot. And I absolutely do not wish that every person had to go through what I and so many other couple are going through. Actually, on my more insightful days, I say a prayer that couple I know don't go through it and thank God that most of them haven't.
All I know is that people will continue to say things to me. I can dwell on it or I can move on. I can educate them or I can let them live in a world where these things don't exist. Neither response is wrong. Neither party is wrong.
TTC struggles and infertility are what they are.
They suck, but they are mine.
Cycle 15 and A Sorta New Plan
So, yeah, Cycle 15 sucks.
I thought I was going to be okay, but it keeps sneaking up on me. Last Saturday, I had a maybe 30 minutes of being really sad then I was pretty much done. I moved on to being pissed at myself for thinking earlier in the day that there was any hope for the cycle and for testing early at 9DPO (for the hubby's bday). Then, I just hurt. Horrible, awful, almost doubled over in pain cramping.
Alcohol helped.
But, by Sunday, I really felt okay. I made a resolution to not let myself dwell past Saturday night and I didn't. I got up, I went shopping for some new clothes, I attempted to clean the house. I just had a day. Now, I will admit that the clothes shopping might have been a bit of retail therapy--I've put on quite a bit of weight since TTC after losing quite a bit prior to that and I have had trouble getting off and have just been putting off buying clothes. I think that might have been contributing to how crappy I've been feeling all the time.
The hubby was particularly awesome this time. He was very sympathetic and upset himself. He said he'd "f#!* my brains out," so I'm going to try to take him up on that. He balked at the idea of going EOD (every other day) until ovulation is confirmed, but we're going to try. Luckily, I am off the entire week of Thanksgiving and then he'll be off for four days, so I'm hoping the relaxed, not having to get up at 4:30am every day will help us out in the that department.
So, yeah, we're going to try a few things this time. One being the sex. I have also started taking Evening Primrose Oil. Some research shows that it helps increase fertle CM, which I've been having some issues with. I also purchased PreSeed--a lube that mimics fertile CM. A lot of women I know have gotten pregnant the first month using it. We'll see.
What we are not doing is more testing. Te hubby was finally at a place where if I had pushed more, he'd have done an SA. And I had already resolved to do bloodwork on CD3. But, CD3 was a Monday, which meant calling the doctor and getting it set up for THAT day. Normally not an issue, but work was so crazy last week that I just couldn't do it. So, instead I made the decision to hold off on everything until after the first of the year.
I figure, the end of Cycle 15 will be just before Christmas and I just really don't want to ruin the holidays (and my birthday, 2 days after Christmas) with any possible bad news. We will try these next two cycles to have more and better timed sex, hope for the best, and start "fresh" in January.
Well, there's the plan. Here's to moving on and moving forward.
I thought I was going to be okay, but it keeps sneaking up on me. Last Saturday, I had a maybe 30 minutes of being really sad then I was pretty much done. I moved on to being pissed at myself for thinking earlier in the day that there was any hope for the cycle and for testing early at 9DPO (for the hubby's bday). Then, I just hurt. Horrible, awful, almost doubled over in pain cramping.
Alcohol helped.
But, by Sunday, I really felt okay. I made a resolution to not let myself dwell past Saturday night and I didn't. I got up, I went shopping for some new clothes, I attempted to clean the house. I just had a day. Now, I will admit that the clothes shopping might have been a bit of retail therapy--I've put on quite a bit of weight since TTC after losing quite a bit prior to that and I have had trouble getting off and have just been putting off buying clothes. I think that might have been contributing to how crappy I've been feeling all the time.
The hubby was particularly awesome this time. He was very sympathetic and upset himself. He said he'd "f#!* my brains out," so I'm going to try to take him up on that. He balked at the idea of going EOD (every other day) until ovulation is confirmed, but we're going to try. Luckily, I am off the entire week of Thanksgiving and then he'll be off for four days, so I'm hoping the relaxed, not having to get up at 4:30am every day will help us out in the that department.
So, yeah, we're going to try a few things this time. One being the sex. I have also started taking Evening Primrose Oil. Some research shows that it helps increase fertle CM, which I've been having some issues with. I also purchased PreSeed--a lube that mimics fertile CM. A lot of women I know have gotten pregnant the first month using it. We'll see.
What we are not doing is more testing. Te hubby was finally at a place where if I had pushed more, he'd have done an SA. And I had already resolved to do bloodwork on CD3. But, CD3 was a Monday, which meant calling the doctor and getting it set up for THAT day. Normally not an issue, but work was so crazy last week that I just couldn't do it. So, instead I made the decision to hold off on everything until after the first of the year.
I figure, the end of Cycle 15 will be just before Christmas and I just really don't want to ruin the holidays (and my birthday, 2 days after Christmas) with any possible bad news. We will try these next two cycles to have more and better timed sex, hope for the best, and start "fresh" in January.
Well, there's the plan. Here's to moving on and moving forward.
Well That Stings
I love our friends. Really. But sometimes I really wish they just knew or understood.
Playing poker tonight, someone jokes "hey, your clock should be ticking."
I didn't have it in me to respond or even laugh.
He didn't mean anything by it. And I'm certain he has forgotten that he once knew we are trying.
But ut made me feel broken.
I am of a certain age and it is no secret that I badly want children.
So, yeah, my clock sure as hell is ticking.
And there is nothing I seem to be able to do to stop it.
Playing poker tonight, someone jokes "hey, your clock should be ticking."
I didn't have it in me to respond or even laugh.
He didn't mean anything by it. And I'm certain he has forgotten that he once knew we are trying.
But ut made me feel broken.
I am of a certain age and it is no secret that I badly want children.
So, yeah, my clock sure as hell is ticking.
And there is nothing I seem to be able to do to stop it.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)