That Would Be a Negative

Actually, testing was sort of a moot point. Didn't even get that far.

Just a quick post in case anybody is keeping up this way. I appreciate the support. I am not in a good place at all today. I will post the Anatomy of a BFN later.

Waiting, Waiting

Test in the house.

Cramps I am trying to ignore.

Playoff basketball a slight distraction.

Have no idea how I will sleep except I was up at 4:00 fot the gym.

Terrified that after all the waiting, after buying the tests I will wake up to another big temp drop and it will be stupid to test.

Wish I could pretend away these cramps.

Six and half hours.

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Somewhere, Somebody Is Laughing

I have these flashes of Pregnancy Test Gods, Mother Nature, somebody siting somewhere having a great laugh at my expense.

I've been exercising radio silence on the blog for the past week or so. No, not pregnant (well, maybe; we're getting to that). Honestly, this blog will most likely be the fourth place a pregnancy is "announced," despite the fact that people who know me in my real life read it - frankly, if you've come this far with me, you get to come the whole way, good or bad. Anyway, the radio silence has been more due to my mindset during this 2ww.

First, I was VERY occupied with my luanch show for my new Stella & Dot business (http://stelladot.com/sites/ashleybearden), so I had other things to think about for the first week or so.

The other thing going on has been The Hubby's gentle insistence that I keep a positive attitude. He's been really pushing for a stressfree 2ww and for me to not be so pessimistic this time around.

As we have covered previously, this is not an easy thing for me.

But, for him, I tried.

But, I could not bring myself to write a blog about being positive. Maybe I thought it would jinx me. Maybe I thought it would come across as hypocritical or disingenuous. Whatever the reason, I just couldn't blog.

Now, I sit at 15DPO. That is if FF is to be believed. I O'd on CD12, which is a day earlier than I've ever O'd, but I got solid CHs from the beginning and to look at my chart, it does not seem off at all. So, let's just say I'm 15DPO.

And my period has not started.

My temps don't know what they want to do.

And there are no HPTs in the house.

This is where the laughter is coming in.

My temp dropped some on Tuesday, but still well above coverline. So, I told my friend Bethany that if my temp went back up on Wednesday (14DPO), I would test and if it went down, I would wait until Friday if period was still MIA. Completely logical. Well, my temp went down again on Wednesday (still above coverline), so easy decision: no test. Half expected my period all day. I've been cramping on and off since Monday/Tuesday. Not a trace of spotting.

With nothing happening, except more intense cramping Wednesday night, I decide to see what Thursday's temp does. If up, safe to test. If down, wait out the day for my period.

Wait for it . . . you'll hear the universe laughing at me . . .

My temp. went down by .01. So, basically, it stayed the same as yesterday.

Do you hear it yet?

I decided, at 4:10 am, that I should test anyway just to get it over with. It is 15DPO after all and my average LP is 13 days (though I do go 14 from time to time). I just knew there was one more test in the house.

If you didn't hear it before, you'll hear it now . . .

No tests. No FRER. No Dollar Tree. Nada. Not one single pregnancy test to be found in my house.

Now you hear it, don't you?

Yep, that is somebody, somewhere, knowing that they are playing the ultimate practical joke on my body.

All I can think right now is that I was not meant to test. For whatever reason. Maybe somebody is sparing me. Maybe it will be a joke that I have to wait one more day to find out I'm pregnant.

Back to the original plan for Friday. I'll buy the test after work if nothing else is happing.

Maybe this time I'LL get the last laugh!

It's Not the Pregnancy That Gets Me

The Hubby told me tonight that his boss announced her pregnancy today.

Okay. I'm happy for her. I've never met her, but from what The Hubby says, she seems like a really nice person.

The Hubby says he wasn't sure if he should tell me because "you know how you get."

Yeah, I do. I don't mean to, but other people being pregnant while we keep trying and trying stings. Doesn't mean I'm not happy for them, but it stings. Sorry. I'm human - or a hormonal woman dealing with infertility. Whatever.

But, I didn't know his boss's situation. For all I knew, she had been struggling too. But, either way, good for her.

Then, he tells me the rest. After she announced it, she looked at The Hubby and said "Don't worry. It'll happen when God wants it to."

Why? Just why?

Why the hell do people feel the need to say that?

But, wait, it gets better.

She also said they were not trying at all, so this changes a lot of things.

Awesome. Makes the "It'll happen when God wants it to" statement SO much better.

I sound like a broken record, but I really do believe it will happen when God wants it to. But, when someone else says it, all it makes me feel is that they are saying God doesn't want me to have a baby now. And, to further that, they are saying that God thinks it is better timing for the teenager whose boyfriend slept with her and dumped her than it is for me and my husband who are married, with stable jobs and a home.

And what pisses me off even more is The Hubby just agrees. He so does not get IF. And he makes me feel like I'm a crazy person for wanting it so badly and for not wanting to hear those comments or for it hurting to watch my mom discuss pregnancy with my cousin instead of me, her own daughter.

It makes me want to scream, which of course, makes me seem like more of a crazy person. And, you know, sometimes I feel like a crazy person. I wonder what is wrong with me that I want this so much and get so upset and frustrated. Shouldn't I be able to deal with it better than this? Shouldn't I just be able to move on and accept things? Do people think that about me behind my back? If my own husband feels that way, what do others think?

I hate that things like this upset me. What this woman said was not said in malice. It was said to comfort, to give hope.

But it does just the opposite for me.

Maybe I am just a crazy person.

Not Just Sunday

I swore to myself that I wasn't going to do this.

I was not going to be effected by this day.

We had no big plans. Just usual Sunday stuff.

It was not going to be Mothers' Day. It was just going to be Sunday.

But it's not just Sunday.

It is Mothers' Day. And, as it should be, it is everywhere.

I didn't want to cry calling my own mother. I love her. And she's a wonderful mother. But just as much as I'm celebrating her, I'm not celebrating me.

The Hubby was debating when to mow the lawn. He said he was going to do it yesterday and I told him to do it today. He said he didn't want to mow on Mothers' Day. I told him it didn't matter - no mothers in our house.

I was wished a Happy Mothers' Day no fewer than three times when out shopping yesterday. I felt like I wanted to get a T-shirt made up that said "I'm not a mom." But that would be bitter.

I am not bitter today. Just sad.

I do truly wish all mothers a very Happy Mothers' Day.

But it is still a reminder. 

Power of Prayer

I've heard them all. Everyone struggling with IF has heard the lines.

When you stop trying, it'll happen.
It'll happen when you least expect expect.
Relax.
Maybe it's not your time.
God has a plan.
Have you tried . . .

But one other thing I've heard, not as often, is "I'm praying for you."

I don't know what it is about that line that effects me more than any of the others. It almost wipes away all of the crappy, uneducated things people say.

I am, as I think I've mentioned before, a believer in God's will and God's plan. I believe in the power of prayer - I've seen how it works.

And I know a lot of people who say "I'm praying for you" or some variation as an automatic response. It's not that I think these people are not true to their words, but I don't always believe their sincerity.

Other people, I truly believe put thought and real authenticity behind their prayers.

I hate to distinguish because who wouldn't take a prayer or good thought in whatever form it comes. And I do.

But, it's the people in the latter category who touch me. These are people who don't say "I'll be praying for you," but rather, "I've been praying for you."

This may seem like semantics, but when someone says that to me, I feel as though they've been thinking about my situation, they truly believe that The Hubby and I should be parents, and really want to help us in the only way they can.

It makes me feel so incredibly lucky to have people in my life who care that much about me.

It touches my heart.

It's Coming

The Day.

A day I have dreaded since about August of last year and then moreso just a couple of weeks ago.

Mother's Day.

It's supposed to be a happy, fun, celebratory day.

But for those of us struggling to become a mother, it's hell. Pure, unrelenting hell.

It is everywhere. Every commercial, every TV show, every store, every ad, every restaurant.

I didn't realize it last year. I had no idea it would feel that way. I had only been trying 8 months, so I was always careful to check myself when it came to pity about TTC. So, while Mother's Day stuff got to me a bit, it wasn't until the day of that I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me. It was also probably harder because at the time, I had friends celebrating their first Mother's Day as new mommies, there were new babies everywhere between family and friends.

And nobody even thought about it, even realized. I had to explain it to The Hubby. He was remarkably understanding (as he so often is with his crazy, hormonal wife). I had to spell it out to my mom. Despite her IF issues, it was something that wouldn't have occurred to her since her, with her IF being secondary, she was able to celebrate Mother's Day with a child.

I'm trying really hard this year not to let it be a "thing" for me. Quite honestly, I think I'm in denial. It's a bit of that fear creeping in again, I think.

I don't want to be the sulky, bitter IF girl. I want to celebrate my mother - and all mothers - at I have in the past, but it's really hard to focus on that when my heart feels empty in the spot made for a child.

I'm afraid of how I will be. I'm afraid of what others will say.

Will we take my MIL to lunch or dinner and the host/hostess ask how many mothers in our party or if I'm a mother? That's happened. Will someone say Happy Mother's Day to me? That will hurt. When with my family, will it get mentioned that I'm the only non-mom in the family now that my cousin is pregnant? Will they be fawning over her and making a big deal about this being her "first Mother's Day." I don't know if I can handle that.

But, I'm preparing myself for all of these things. Thankfully, much of the actual day will just be spent at home with The Hubby. Less exposure =  less chance for upset.

I really, really, really don't want to fell these things. I've been trying very hard to ignore the little crying urges and focus on celebrating my own mom, MIL, and grandmother.

But it's hard.