I've been trying desperately to fight the rise of emotions.
I have not had all the moments I had last year around Christmas - the sadness is hanging up stockings, the general depression that once again, no baby's first Christmas ornament or even a baby bump.
I was excited to decorate the house (though, admittedly, I think I went overboard as compensation for the one big thing that IS missing). I haven't gotten weepy. I've certainly had some dread surrounding actually being with my family at Christmas with my cousin and the new baby, but that wasn't so bad because I could prepare.
But the closer we get to Christmas, the more dread I feel.
I am due to start my period two to three days before Christmas. And I'm terrified. Not exaggerating. Terrified.
This is the first Christmas since we started trying that my period will actually coincide with Christmas. The past two, I've been O'ing or about to.
This is definitely worse.
I know how my hormones are. I'm so afraid of losing it and causing a fight with the hubby. I'm so afraid of not being able to handle seeing the baby. I'm so afraid of what I might say if someone has the nerve to ask me questions about TTC.
I can honestly say that I don't think there has been a single cycle in over two years that I have wanted a BFP more.
I'm tired of waiting.
I do not think I can handle Christmas without it - I'm not strong enough anymore.
I want my baby.
I want my baby for Christmas.
I have not had all the moments I had last year around Christmas - the sadness is hanging up stockings, the general depression that once again, no baby's first Christmas ornament or even a baby bump.
I was excited to decorate the house (though, admittedly, I think I went overboard as compensation for the one big thing that IS missing). I haven't gotten weepy. I've certainly had some dread surrounding actually being with my family at Christmas with my cousin and the new baby, but that wasn't so bad because I could prepare.
But the closer we get to Christmas, the more dread I feel.
I am due to start my period two to three days before Christmas. And I'm terrified. Not exaggerating. Terrified.
This is the first Christmas since we started trying that my period will actually coincide with Christmas. The past two, I've been O'ing or about to.
This is definitely worse.
I know how my hormones are. I'm so afraid of losing it and causing a fight with the hubby. I'm so afraid of not being able to handle seeing the baby. I'm so afraid of what I might say if someone has the nerve to ask me questions about TTC.
I can honestly say that I don't think there has been a single cycle in over two years that I have wanted a BFP more.
I'm tired of waiting.
I do not think I can handle Christmas without it - I'm not strong enough anymore.
I want my baby.
I want my baby for Christmas.
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