34

And I thought 33 was a little rough.

I've never loved my birthday. It has nothing to do with age or getting older. It really has very little to do with being a "Christmas baby".

I'm really just not one for all the attention on me kind of thing. Despite what some might think and how I come across in many situations, I am a pretty shy, quiet, no spotlight kind of person.

You add that to having a birthday two days after Christmas, when people are sick of eating and getting together and buying gifts, it's never been a big deal for me. I always hated to be an imposition and would just be happy with a birthday wish.

But today I turn 34.

This one is really hitting hard. Again, not because I think 34 is old in any way. But, rather, because my age is starting to play a factor.

I never viewed getting older as losing time. I relished getting older and moving on to the next chapter.

And I always felt young. And I always felt like I still had all the time in the world for everything.

But today, on my birthday, I feel every bit of the weight of my years.

This is not who expected to be at 34.

I don't like to make everything about TTC or having kids, but when it comes to my age, that's when I feel it most.

I am 34. And while I know I still have time, I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of a gun.

Everything changes in respect to having a baby in this next year.

And I know that road. I've seen people I love go through it - both successfully and unsuccessfully. And it is something I never wanted.

A lot of reflecting on this birthday.

I want it to be happy day, but I think I will settle for content.

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