Fuck You, Body/Last Chances

Sorry if vulgar language offends.

My blog, my words.

And those are the only ones I have right now.

I am so far beyond pissed off right now, most other words escape me.

I tested last night because The Hubby couldn't stand it. He was so anxious. When I got home from the store, it had only been a little over an hour since the last time I'd peed, so I told him we'd have to wait. Then I stupidly told him about my signs.

I think I've mentioned this before, but one of the things I happen to pray for, mostly at the end of the 2ww, is a sign. Last month, I was answered with spotting. Last night, after grabbing the box of tests from the shelf, I walked back down the aisle, which put me out facing an endcap on the greeting cards aisle. The endcap held all kinds of gift-type books and, very randomly (it obviously did not belong there), "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." Yeah, my mind went there. Then, when I got back into the car, a Taylor Swift song was playing. Can't stand her, so immediately switched back to my other favorite station. Black Eyed Peas "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night." Yep, mind went there too. And then I shared with The Hubby.

So, we ate dinner and watched a movie. Guess what we watched? "Due Date." (Robert Downey, Jr. and that guy from "The Hangover.") Maybe that was stupid, but the title didn't really click for me. The Hubby said maybe it was another sign. As soon as the movie was over, he jumped up and said "let's go!"

This would have been such a cute story if had turned out positive.

I still took the dogs out because I was stalling. I had to tell The Hubby to let me do the first part (peeing in a cup, checking for spotting one last time before breaking open the test) by myself. I dipped the test and opened the door. He was standing in the bedroom with his hands clasped in prayer. He came into the bathroom and told me not to look, that he'd look.

We didn't time it exactly, but I knew the other line should have shown up. He was silent, so I asked. Nothing.

I only teared up a little, not wanting to get him too upset. He tried to be positive.

I temped again this morning. down .02 from yesterday, so it definitely did not go back up today. I got up three hours later to possibly test again.

Didn't even waste the second test. Blood during the internal CM check made that unneccessary.

So, for the second time, my body has decided that it would be really fun to get my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, I would not have to do testing.

This was it.

Last chance for a 2011 baby.

Last chance for a baby before I turn 34.

Last chance at a regular, non-monitored, not-medicated cycle of trying.

Last chance for the really old-fashioned way.

Last chance, quite possibly, for a baby at all.

I promise I'm not being overly dramatic. I just don't know what's going to happen in the coming month(s) with testing and the decisions we'll have to make. We don't have a lot of money, so a lot of options may be beyond our reach.

So, yeah, I guess I did have more words.

But, fuck you, body are still the ones I'm sticking with.