Thankful Thursday

Because my previous post was negative and I don't want to leave that out here, I'm going to go ahead and take the time to write this out.

A few of my fellow blog friends do a "Thankful Thursday" post; it's also something we frequently do on The Bump boards to remind us that we have many things and people to be thankful in spite of how we sometimes feel.

Of course, I could name so many. Usually, I like to steer away from The Hubby because there is never any doubt that I am thankful for him (despite any bitching and nagging) every second of every day.

The thing I am so thankful and grateful for right now has been something I've always had but it's something you don't always recognize the importance of until you are in a situation when you need it.

Friendship.

I've never been the person with a lot of friends. Really, I've gone through muliple periods in my life where I've had virtually no friends at all. But, I've also gone through periods in my life where I've had great, true friendships.

I am very thankful that this period of my life is one of the latters.

And the really awesome thing is that my friends come from so many places.

When it became clear that we were truly struggling to get pregnant, I turned very strongly to The Bump message boards. I needed to talk to people who were going through the same things and could understand my feelings and frustrations.

This has led me to some amazing women who I am so proud to call my friends even though I've never even met them in person. But, they know where I'm coming from and understand when all I have are negative and hopeless feelings. We can answer each others' questions and give advice.

I am so thankful for these friendships because they have really pulled, and continue to pull, me through this journey.

But, the reason I turned to these friends was because I felt as though my real life friends, though they knew what was going on, could not understand or didn't want to hear or know about what was happening with me. There was nothing they ever said or did to make me feel that way, this was just my perception of the situation. I felt like because they couldn't relate, they didn't want to or know how to talk to me about these things. And I also felt like I didn't want to depress them with my struggles or make them feel sorry for me or even just bore them.

This was incredibly unfair of me.

Fortunately, these friends did not realize what I was doing or, if they did, chose to look past it and forgive me.

And surprise me.

I don't really know why it would surprise me at all. This is not the first "crisis" situation I've been in, but this was different. But, they've been right there for me.

All I ever had to do was let them in. They may not truly understand, but they can still offer support.

And that's the most important thing. I don't need words of encouragement. But, I need them to acknowledge what is happening with me. That makes me feel better than anything.

That they see I'm having a tough time and let me vent, even if what I'm venting about is absurd.

That they ask where I am in the process or ask questions about things they don't know about.

That they don't pity me when I'm wallowing in self-pity and have to take days off work because I can't deal with being around people.

That they ask about doctor's appointments.

That they will offer prayers and support and good thoughts.

I am incredibly lucky to have friends like this. So many ladies on the boards talk about the people in their lives, their friends, who only make them feel worse about their situations. I can totally empathize with that as there are people in my life who have not offered quite the same support. But, thankfully, I have others who do.

It's Thankful Thursday, and I'm thankful for my friends. You know who you are and I love all of you more than I could ever say.

Out of The Hubby's Mouth: Welfare

All we need to do, baby, have no money or be on welfare and we'd get pregnant.

This is tacky and I know it. And it's not even accurate in regards to the majority of the pregnancies in our life. But, sometimes it feels that way.

The Hubby got a text today from his oldest friend in the world (they are exactly 9 months apart in age and grew up across the street from each other). He got married in October, rather quickly, and my selfish self waited to find out that his new wife pregnant. She was not. Now, she is. He already has a 6-year-old from a previous relationship.

I hate that my first reaction was to laugh and say "of course." It's mean and hateful and selfish, and I know it. But, it's just one more in a long line of everybody having babies before us. And even The Hubby feels it now too, which prompted the above comment.

I'm going to try very hard now to move past this. I'm, of course, happy for them. I don't know his wife very well, but R is a great guy and wonderful daddy to our beautiful goddaughter.

I cannot let it put a damper on my renewed spirit, which I was just thinking about on my drive home.

I really feel more in control and, once again, feel like this could happen. And The Hubby has been so onboard, telling people what we're going through and helping me plan the timing for his SA.

It's hard to remember that this is our struggle and our journey and it doesn't involve anybody else. It's not a race, it's not a contest, all these other babies are not our baby.

But sometimes you just have to laugh at the universe.

D-Day

Doctor Day?

Today was the day. Eighteen months in the making. RE day.

I had my first appointment with my new RE today. Dr. Robert Kaufmann of Fort Worth Fertility.

First, I really liked all of the people in his office. They were all very friendly and personable, which is sort of important for me going into something like this. It's clinical and emotional enough without the people acting like it's not at all personal.

Next, can I say thank God for insurance. Correction--thank God for MY insurance. I have one very dear friend who has coverage and desperately needs it. She has actual known issues, but to go any further, everything will be OOP. That is so not fair. It makes me all the more grateful that everything I had done today was $20 (though, I do imagine I'll get billed for a little more than that co-pay).

I love Dr. Kaufmann. One my lovely 3T Bump ladies is a patient and it was her rave review that really pushed me to Dr. Kaufmann. She said he was really nice and personable and she was so right. He did not talk down to me. He did not pity me. He was very interested--in more than just my fertility. He clearly had sympathy for my emotional state. He was very proactive. And he said I was young! I love him for that alone. I am not one to feel old, but this whole process of TTC has made me feel a little bit that way. So, I loved that my DOCTOR told me I'm young, even in TTC terms.

The appointment itself consisted of filling out a lot of paperwork and then a sitdown with Dr. Kaufmann and one of the other doctors. He went over my history in my words. And then we discussed steps. Since my HSG in September was clear (he took my word on that as they don't have my files from my OB/GYN yet), the next steps he wanted were a sonogram of my eggs (or, rather, the follicles that stimulate egg growth) and the SA for The Hubby. He wanted the sonogram today and the SA as soon as possible.

Since we live so close, The Hubby has the option of procuring his sample at home and we can bring it into the clinic. (I had a good little laugh with myself while waiting to see the doctor while thinking of a scene in "Forget Paris." Debra Winger and Billy Crystal are TTC and seeing a specialist. He has to give his sample but has trouble doing it in the office, so he asks if he can go home. They tell him it has to be there within the hour and he says "Perfect! I ejaculate 30 minutes from here!" Hehe.) Due to some medical issues on his part, I'm not 100% certain that will get done this week, but hopefully the beginning of next at the latest. We've got all the equipment for it, so we just need the time.

The sonogram--or dildo cam as we lovingly refer to it on the Bump--was an experience. Pain/discomfort was more than a Pap, but way less than the HSG. I think part of the issue was just due to where I still am in my cycle. At CD3, I've still got some pain and discomfort from cramping and such. Though, he did admit to being a little rough. Emotionally, there was the whole thing of wanting your first sonogram to be of a baby, not stupid follies.

There may or may not be an issue with my follies, it turns out. He said he likes to see 5 in each ovary. I had 6 in one and 4 in the other. He wasn't worries, but he did say that it was less than average for what he would expect and want for someone my age, but it may or may not be causing any issues. Because of that finding and since I was lucky to be in CD3, he did decide to draw blood for the the AMH (anti mullerian hormone)--he was very impressed that I knew what that was, thank you 3T! He said he doesn't necessarily do CD3 b/w (as a matter of face, I'm pretty sure he was not going to do it until what he saw on the sonogram), but it was warranted. He did also mentioned that my uterus is tilted, which is actually more common that I ever knew and doesn't mean anything other than it's at a different angle. It has no bearing on fertility, which I already knew.

I'm not concerned about that finding as of right now, but I do think he was a bit more concerned than his words were telling me he was.

As for the plan, he told me what the next normal steps are. Of course, much of it will depend on the findings of all tests--both mine and The Hubby's. Most likely, though, we would be headed straight for IUI--I love that he even used the old turkey baster reference for that. He suspects, especially given that my tubes are clear and now that he didn't see anything abnormal (such as possible endometriosis) on the sonogram, that we might be headed for unexplained IF. Basically, that means that all the known causes will have been checked and cleared, so they won't really know where my issue is. In that case, IUI would be our best bet.

He said we could, and many couples do, opt for just fertility drugs (Clomid) initially, but with all else looking good, that only increases our chanced each month by about 1%. I ovulate, I ovulate regularly, I clearly have plenty of follies (even if I have slightly fewer than average), and I have no blockages. So, drugs alone would not really be of much help to me.

Last resort, in his mind, unless we are dealing with major issues--and he doesn't even consider a slightly low sperm count a major issue--would be IVF. He said some opt to go straight for that, but monetarily, he thinks it is wise to try IUI first. I wish I could remember how much the chances increase for IUI, but I don't. He did say there is a 60% chance of taking home a baby with IVF at my age.

For me, I feel like we are still a cycle or two away from that major decision. Even IUI still scares me because it still involves drugs and all the fun hormones that come with it. And, we will need to get in writing everything our insurance covers. I know mine covers quite a bit, but I don't know all the specifics.

So, as all the 3T ladies have said, I do feel so much clearer. It was nice to have some control (even Dr. K mentioned that--that by being there, I was taking back some control over the process). I feel better knowing that we will have some answers. Even if some of the answers are bad or not what I want to hear, there will be no more awful waiting and thinking we've done everything right only to be disappointed over and over.

Thank you everybody for the support, especially the last few days. They were rough, but I promise I'm not a crazy person. I was better before and now I'm feeling really good!

Fuck You, Body/Last Chances

Sorry if vulgar language offends.

My blog, my words.

And those are the only ones I have right now.

I am so far beyond pissed off right now, most other words escape me.

I tested last night because The Hubby couldn't stand it. He was so anxious. When I got home from the store, it had only been a little over an hour since the last time I'd peed, so I told him we'd have to wait. Then I stupidly told him about my signs.

I think I've mentioned this before, but one of the things I happen to pray for, mostly at the end of the 2ww, is a sign. Last month, I was answered with spotting. Last night, after grabbing the box of tests from the shelf, I walked back down the aisle, which put me out facing an endcap on the greeting cards aisle. The endcap held all kinds of gift-type books and, very randomly (it obviously did not belong there), "What to Expect When You Are Expecting." Yeah, my mind went there. Then, when I got back into the car, a Taylor Swift song was playing. Can't stand her, so immediately switched back to my other favorite station. Black Eyed Peas "Tonight's Gonna Be a Good Night." Yep, mind went there too. And then I shared with The Hubby.

So, we ate dinner and watched a movie. Guess what we watched? "Due Date." (Robert Downey, Jr. and that guy from "The Hangover.") Maybe that was stupid, but the title didn't really click for me. The Hubby said maybe it was another sign. As soon as the movie was over, he jumped up and said "let's go!"

This would have been such a cute story if had turned out positive.

I still took the dogs out because I was stalling. I had to tell The Hubby to let me do the first part (peeing in a cup, checking for spotting one last time before breaking open the test) by myself. I dipped the test and opened the door. He was standing in the bedroom with his hands clasped in prayer. He came into the bathroom and told me not to look, that he'd look.

We didn't time it exactly, but I knew the other line should have shown up. He was silent, so I asked. Nothing.

I only teared up a little, not wanting to get him too upset. He tried to be positive.

I temped again this morning. down .02 from yesterday, so it definitely did not go back up today. I got up three hours later to possibly test again.

Didn't even waste the second test. Blood during the internal CM check made that unneccessary.

So, for the second time, my body has decided that it would be really fun to get my hopes up that maybe, just maybe, I would not have to do testing.

This was it.

Last chance for a 2011 baby.

Last chance for a baby before I turn 34.

Last chance at a regular, non-monitored, not-medicated cycle of trying.

Last chance for the really old-fashioned way.

Last chance, quite possibly, for a baby at all.

I promise I'm not being overly dramatic. I just don't know what's going to happen in the coming month(s) with testing and the decisions we'll have to make. We don't have a lot of money, so a lot of options may be beyond our reach.

So, yeah, I guess I did have more words.

But, fuck you, body are still the ones I'm sticking with.

Two Hours

In just under two hours, I will be making a trip to Walgreens.

I will be purchasing HPTs.

I am 14DPO and no period.

I have gone this long one other time.

If my body is playing mind games on me, I might lose my mind.

If I look back at my charts, it says I had a 14-day LP two times: my first cycle charting and Cycle 12 of trying. The one my first month of charting may or may not be terribly accurate. I don't know for sure if I peed before or after midnight (I do realize that most REs would say anything after noon or 6:00pm would be CD1 the next day, but FF doesn't work that way). That was the night we spent at the hospital with The Hubby's BFF the night his dad died. I didn't pee for hours because of everything going on and I feel confident that had I, I would have had flow earlier in the evening.

The Cycle 12, I fully believe, was my body saying "hahahahahaha" because I was supposed to call the doctor to start testing if I wasn't pregnant. That time, I had tested on 13DPO and 14DPO. And I was feeling pretty crampy and just feeling like my period was starting.

I don't even know how I feel today. I thought yesterday and a lot of today that I've been feeling crampy. But, I've also had some stomach issues and since my period/PMS comes with stomach issues, it's hard to decipher. They are definitely NOT normal period cramps. I've not had any spotting, not even with internal CM checks. Working in the yard today, I was very shaky and just felt off. I had eaten a pretty good breakfast, but had to come in and eat a banana. But, I also don't know if I'm making this all up in my head and reading too much into things.

The Hubby wants me to test tonight. I'm not convinced.

I'm also refusing to even go to Walgreens until right before they close. I want to give my period every opportunity to show up before I spend the money.

This is the first time I have ever waited until I am officially wait to test for the first time.

I'm all kinds of scared. I'm so afraid that I will be disappointed. And I wouldn't be disappointed. I would be crushed. And that Cycle 12 where I went so long? Yeah, my period didn't even start until way late in the day. So, it almost makes me want to wait until Monday to test.

But, it will be tomorrow. I can't go another day like today.

A little over an hour and half to go . . .

Out of The Hubby's Mouth: Comforting Words

"Listen honey!!! I will do whatever it takes. I want this as bad as you do I promise, just let me know what I need to do. I promise you even if there is something wrong with me we will have a baby even if we adopt. I have to have that in my life. And I know you do too."

[Insert tears from me in the gym locker room--AFTER I put on my makeup.]

"I know I need to be more sensitive to your needs and I will be. Ijust love you so much and I don't like seeing you upset and to see all the stress you put on yourself. It kills me, and it makes life so much harder and doesn't improve or solve the problem."

"Let's embrace whatever comes our way and turn it into something positive."

Text messages from The Hubby received this morning after a particularly rough night. I'm a freaking basketcase right now and am taking it out too much on him. But, just because he knows, doesn't mean he understands fully (how exactly can he possibly comprehend the raging hormones and emotions I've got going on? I don't even understand them) what I'm feeling, so we fight.

I have to stop letting it build up so that all I want to do is get mad. I just feel like nobody in my life (aside from my wonderful internet friends) understands and I don't want to feel like I'm complaining and whining all the time or that it's the only thing on my mind, so I bottle it up. I try to keep a brave face and smile my way through it, but that's not healthy. I need to talk to him more so that my frustrations don't come out that way.

But those texts meant more than just about anything. I KNOW he wants what I do, but his approach to things is so different from mine. So, I just end up feeling like he doesn't care as much.

It's nice to hear every now and then that we are working toward the same goal.

Learning to Disconnect

As a person who has always loved children and has always wanted nothing more than to be a mom, it's never seemed odd or out of place for me to be so enamored and involved with children.

I was quite a bit older than a lot of my parents' friends' kids and my brothers and my many of my cousins growing up, so I often "babysat" the younger kids while the adults visited. I loved it. It was my thing. And with my little brothers, I was just as much a part of their everyday as my parents were--I gave them baths, changed diapers, rocked/sang/watched "The Little Mermaid" to sleep, helped with homework, carted around to school and practices and games. I've always jumped at throwing a baby shower or buying baby gifts. I'm always the one at the shower who buys the pracitical stuff, not just the cute stuff. New baby in the vicinity? Hand him/her over. How many times have people told me that I'm a natural? I love to talk about kids.

I realized the other day, though, that I maybe get too involved where I shouldn't. That maybe it's not normal or I'm obsessive. I don't really even know how to describe it.

 But, when a co-worker tells me how much her three and half month old baby weighs, my first thought shouldn't have been that that's almost as much as my friend's 18-month-old baby. Her mommy should have thought that (and she did), but not me.

It shouldn't make my day to see pictures of other people's babies or hear their stories. I shouldn't beg my husband to go see my nephew and nieces.

The vast majority of my top blog list should not be baby and kid related.

I shouldn't carry on conversations where I talk with any kind of knowledge or authority on babies or children in general. That's not normal and all it makes me seem is pathetic. I can imagine people thinking "who is she to talk about that?" Or worse, "boy, must she be desperate to have a baby."

And that part is true.

I think maybe I've just been living through everybody else's children. And I need to stop.

I need to find someplace else to put all of that. I need to stop thinking like a mommy. I'm not one and I may not be one.

But, it's so hard when that's always been something in the back of your mind. It's never occurred to me until recently that it might not be a possibility.

So, where do I even draw that line? Because it's not like I only talk babies/kids because I want them. With many people, it's because they are my friend or my family, so genuinely want to talk about their kids and know what's going on.

So, how do I care without caring too much?