This.Day.Sucks.

Same as the 13 just like it that came before.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.2

Did I Really Stomp My Feet?

Why, yes, I most certainly did. I also clenched my fists and made swinging motions.

What's next? A full on kicking, fist-pounding, screaming tantrum?

Apparently, a temp. drop at 11DPO turns me into a temper-tantrum-having-life-is-so-unfair-5-year-old.

I'm not out of the game yet, but a temp drop at this time doesn't help the confidence level. I know my lovely, supportive TTGP ladies would tell me it could be an implantation dip and that I should lose hope. But, at this point, I just don't have the great hope to begin with.

But, always in the corner of mind, way back there is something. Maybe because my boobs hurt so bad I would like to rip them off right now. Seriously. I fell asleep on my stomach last night. The hubby woke me up when he came to be a couple hours later and when I rolled over, it took me awhile to fall back asleep they hurt so bad.

And yesterday, for a couple of days actually, weird cramping. I hate weird cramping. Makes you think things.

Sticking to my resolved. No testing. Just waiting.

And maybe a tantrum. Wouldn't that be fun?

Stupid TV Shows

Before I go any further, if you have not seen the 10/14 episode of "Grey's Anatomy" read no further. You've been warned.

I need to preface this with two things.

First, I love "Grey's Anatomy." I've loved "Grey's" when it wasn't so loveable. It's one of the shows I look forward to most all week long.

Second, I am very well aware that medical dramas are very rarely medically accurate. I've been watching medical shows for a long time, so I've seen it all.

That being said, a storyline on Grey's tonight really annoyed the crap out of me.

In the season finale last May, we found out that Meredith was pregnant and then, in the midst of the shooting rampage at the hospital, she had a miscarriage. It was incredibly sad and heartbreaking. This season, she has been dealing with that, including finally telling her husband that it happened (long story that I'm not going to explain). They agreed they wanted to continue trying.

Jump to tonight's episode when suddenly they are meeting with her OB to discuss what might be going with their TTC process. OB comes in and tells them (though we don't see this; we just hear about it in a conversation between Meredith and Derek) that Meredith has a hostile uterus.

So, first, I don't expect shows to show us every little detail of what goes on in the characters' lives. We're just supposed to assume certain things happened. But, they are in this doctor's office sitting there like all that's been done for the doctor to conclude this about Meredith's uterus is maybe some blood tests. I haven't gotten too far into my testing process, but I'm betting that some slightly more invasive procedures would be involved.

The reason this doesn't fall into the "things that just happen off-screen" reasoning for me is other conversations that were had. On this one day, people notice that and are talking about the fact that she had an appointment on that day. I've had one slightly invasive, uncomfortable (putting it mildly) procedure and I took half a day off work AND people close to me knew.

Next, is the simple fact that she went to an OB. Now, a lof of women start out testing with their OB, me included. But, given the fact that she had already had a miscarriage AND the fact that they are doctors, I don't buy that they wouldn't have gone to an RE (reproductive endochronologist).

Last, at the very end, Meredith and Derek are discussing steps going forward. He says they'll just "try." They'll not worry about tests and blood and just have lots of sex.

I cannot even describe how frustrating that is to hear. First of all, despite the miscarriage, I find it incredibly ridiculous that they were even doing testing to begin with. It's not like it was odd that she had the miscarriage given the awful circumstances she had just been through, so no big mystery to figure out there. Second, they were not even trying when she got pregnant and they haven't been trying more than a few weeks now. And I'm fairly certain the character is not meant to be over 35. So, why in the hell are they even testing anything? The rest of us wait 6 months or a year when there are no known issues or reasons for concern. Why can't she?

But, the worst is the "just have lots of sex." So, putting aside my issues with her having been tested, she was and she found out something could be wrong. But, Derek just decides that "having lots of sex" and "not worrying" will get them pregnant. That is pretty much a slap in the face to anyone who has been trying to just have lots of sex and/or has been diagnosed with some type of fertility issues. Having lots of sex and just seeing what happens won't change the situation.

Look, I know it's a fictional show, but it pisses me off when people are in a position to put information out there and they put out crappy information. The vast majority of the public is pretty clueless about infertility and the general struggles of couples who do not get pregnant right away. And it is because nobody wants to talk about it or tell real stories.

And what's really going to piss me off is that by the end of the season, Meredith will probably be pregnant just by "having lots of sex." And so the cycle of bad information with continue.

No "Babies Everywhere"

Ask anyone who has ever TTC--for one month or 12--and they will tell you they see babies everywhere. The store, on TV, in your own family, on Facebook. And if it is not babies, it's a baby bump--that's right, the pregnant woman. The woman you long to be. Or a mommy. Again, the woman you long to be. Heck, even the hubby has taken to noticing babies everywhere and pointing them out to me.

Sometimes, it's hell. Sometimes, it's almost amusing. Is the universe messing with you?

Well, no, it's not. It's life. There have always been pregnant women everywhere. But, it's like when you buy a new car. You never saw that car on the road before, but now that you have one, they're everywhere.

Seeing babies or pregnant women doesn't upset me. It doesn't make me angry. It makes me wistful. It makes me frustrated that I'm not there.

But, no matter it makes me feel, it sucks because it is a feeling I don't want to have. I would give nothing more than to go through the day without that constant want for a child. Without being reminded every second of every day of the one thing I don't have. That would be a good day.

I actually had that today and it was amazing.

The hubby and I played hooky from work and went to the State Fair of Texas. Honestly, I was a little concerned that all the above mentioned "feelings" would be present. Especially given that I am days away from either being pregnant or not--again. And since I'm leaning toward the not, I was prepared to be pissy.

But, I totally wasn't.

Since it is way on the other side of the Metroplex from where we live, which means lots of traffic that would only cause us to get angry, we took the train and then the tram to the fair. On the ride there, a family got on with a cutie pie little boy in a stroller. Honestly, I only barely noticed until the hubby pointed him out.

And there were kids and babies and strollers and stuff for kids all over the fair. I barely saw any of it.

Babies were not everywhere today.

Maybe it was just being "away" from my everyday life. Or just being with the hubby and having fun. But, I realized when I got home that aside from some cramping and the fact that my boobs are killing me, I didn't think about babies, or being pregnant, or trying to conceive, or any of it all day.

It was a good day.

The Bright Side

So, the hubby discovered this blog today. It's not a secret blog. I don't have it set to private. I just sort of put it out there. If it gets read, great. If not, it's more just for me.

The hubby were certainly not upset by the blog, but he did say it depressed him. I guess the majority of the posts have come from a negative, bitter place. That's what happens when you start a blog about trying to get pregnant a year into the process. The fun, exciting, full of anticipation faze has passed. You stop feeling optimistic each cycle and just assume it's going to be a bust. You are just tried as hell of trying. Some days you almost feel like you once your finally do get pregnant, your reaction will be "thank God! Finally!" instead of joy and excitement.

But, occassionally, you still have those thoughts. It's still fun as hell to try. Let's face it, you get to have sex and that's always fun. You get to come off birth control, which for me meant the return of the libido--it also meant a crapload of not-so-fun hormones, but we're focusing on the positive!

It's also fun to anticipate finding out you are pregnant. You start looking at dates you might find out and what that would correspond with. Or what your EDD (estimated delivery date) would be and what that would correspond with. And, trust me, after a full year of trying, I've run through every date possible.

I've had EDD around my birthday, the hubby's birthday, my mom's birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas.

I've had myself finding out around my birthday, around Father's Day.

In September of this year, I actually started my period on my mom's birthday, but I also could have found out on her birthday--how cool would that have been?

This current cycle? I should know one way or the other just days before our anniversary. That would also put me being able to tell family around Christmas--if I could even wait that long.

Now, after a year of trying, you don't quite let yourself dwell on these things because hope is just barely there. But, right now, I'll admit it's there in a corner of my mind, especially with our anniversary coming up.

So, it's not all doom and gloom. There ARE fun things, even if I forget sometimes.

I Want to Be that Family

The hubby and I had lunch a burger place today. It was jumping.

When we were done eating, I went to refill our drinks while the hubby ran to the restroom. On the way out, I noticed a gorgeous baby girl in a stoller at a table with her daddy--the table the hubby and I had vacated minutes earlier.

The other night, I was at Subway picking up dinner when a mom and dad came in with their three girls. Super nice family, cute girls not afraid to talk.

Those are those are the moments that kill me the most sometimes. I want to us to be that family in the grocery store or at the park or grabbing lunch. I want to do all these things we do every day with our child(ren).

Don't misunderstand. I love every moment of my the time the hubby and I spend together just us. And I will want to continue those 'just us' moments after baby. But, I want to do many of those moments as a family.

Here Comes the Scary Part of the Ride

In keeping with the roller coaster metaphor, you know that part of the ride with all the twists and turns, ups and downs, curly-Qs, etc.? It last maybe 30 seconds to a minute in the middle of the ride. You go and go and go, catching your breath for brief seconds in between the fun stuff.

When TTC, that part is known as the two week wait. And this is where that slow motion part comes in. I think by naming it the two week wait, you get what I mean.

From the second you find out you've ovulated--we need a break here to give some basics. I chart, which means every morning I wake up a 4:00am, stick a basal body thermometer in my mouth, and record my resting body temperature. Once plugged into a chart, a shift can be seen in my temps indicating that I did ovulate. There is more to it, but some of it is graphic, so that's all we'll go into. If anybody actually reads this and wants to see my chart, it is linked on the bottom of the page.

So, here we go. From the second you find out you've ovulated, usually about 3 days post, every minute, hour, day, week goes by soooo sloooowwww. Yet, it's filled with all kinds of crazy emotions.

How was our timing? Should I even have hope? There is just no way it's happening this cycle! Its totally this cycle! Why a I crying over a sports story (true story; happened this morning)? What is that twinge in my abdomen? I don't feel anything different, what does that mean? OUCH--my boobs hurt.

All of these things go on in this two week spann. Often in the same 5-minute span. Usually more than once a day.

Today I offically start my two week wait in this my 13th cycle of trying. I have been bitterly disappointed 12 times in the last year. Right now, my state of mind is that I will be bitterly disappointed for a 13th time. But, check with me tomorrow--hell, check with me in an hour--and I'm sure I'll feel differently.