Six Week Bumpdate

How far along? Six weeks and a day or two

Weight gain/loss: Just stepped on the scale to see another couple pounds up. I really don't see how. I AM eating a little more, but I'm still working out and some days, I really don't feel like I'm eating enough. Time to start counting calories more closely.
Workout: Managed five days last week, including kickboxing on Saturday. Have a feeling I'm skipping today since I'm off work, have a lot to do, and sort of feeling crappy. Had some issues with nausea during BodyPump both days last week, but pulled through!

Maternity clothes? No even close, though I DID use the rubber band trick on my jeans Saturday night. The tummy bloat was a little much and I was much more comfortable that way.
 
Stretch marks? Of course now. Now would be a good time to say that I fully anticipate them, though. I've got them elsewhere on my body and have since I was a teenager, so I'm certain they are in my future.

Sleep?  Not terrible. I'm up once or twice a night to pee. Unfortunately, getting up causes nausea and/or heartburn to keep me up a little longer than I'd like, but it's not SO bad.
 
Best moment this week? Poker night with friends. Always fun and we did tell them the news, which was really fun.
  
Food cravings:  Still really nothing. Maybe grilled cheese sandwiches. I made a couple for dinner the other night and it was the best thing I'd eaten in days.

Gender: Way too early. The Hubby and I both seem to refer to Baby as "he" a lot, but who knows if that will pan out. For the record, I absolutely do NOT have a preference. Not one little bit.

Belly button in or out?   In, of course.
 
Movement?  WAY too early, but I CANNOT WAIT!
 
What I miss?  The desire for food. I want to eat because I get hungry and feel sick if I don't, but I take very little pleasure in food these days, which is sad to me.

What I'm looking forward to:  Still that first appointment. Two weeks from today!

Milestones:  I think I can say actual "morning" sickness has officially kicked in. And as crappy as I feel, bring it on.

Pregnancy after Infertility

Even typing out that title causes odd anxiety for me.

I've had issues with my own IF struggle, mostly since our diagnosis of unexplained. It's something I struggled with and still do. Logically, I know that not having a specific diagnosis and not going through treatments does not make me any less of an IF struggler. But, I've always felt in some ways "less" than the couples who have dealt with painful diagnoses and multiple failed treatment cycles. I know our struggles and pain are the same, but I know that the pain of shelling out money and taking time out of their lives and being poked and prodded even more IS harder. I know that.

But, the fact is I AM an infertility survivor.

But, that fact is more difficult to deal with and have people understand, I think when you conceive on your own even after so much time.

And that's where I struggle once again.

One of the most difficult things about IF is the bitterness it leaves you with. I fully admit to my bitterness over the last year and half or so. I've never shyed away from, but I've always tried to keep it in perspective.

You think that once you are pregnant, the bitterness will fade some. Not go away. I honestly hope that the struggle and pain I went through stays with me because I want to never make anybody else feel the way I've felt. I want to remember and be grateful every day for the gift that has been given to me.

But, there are still so many bitter feelings that have come out in me, partially due to things that have been said to me. Nobody has meant anything by them, but they are still hard to hear.

Both my mother and our best friend said to me "it's about time" when we told them I'm pregnant. Both are very well aware of how long we've tried and the pain we've gone through and how desperate we've been. Both were joking when they said it, but it still hurt like hell.

My SIL asked me if we'd "gone to the doctor" to get pregnant. Even she admitted it didn't matter, but the question rubbed me the wrong way. Why did it matter?

The two most recent people I've told made remarks that basically meant "oh, it just took time" or "you just needed to relax and not worry about it."

Those last two are the ones that hurt me the most. Partially because I feel that's what people think. That because I didn't end up needing treatment/intervention to get pregnant that somehow the only "issue" I had was impatience.

And sometimes I question that myself.

I KNOW it's not true. I KNOW that a diagnosis of unexplained does not mean there is nothing wrong, but rather nothing is obviously wrong. I KNOW that it wasn't because I stopped temping and stopped timing so hard that I got pregnant.

But people who don't understand IF don't know that. So, their comments still sting.

Do I believe that the timing was just right this time? That this was when it was meant to happen? Did I always have a gut feeling that I could conceive on my own?

Yeah. All of the above.

But that does not take away two and half years of heartache. It doesn't take away the pain of watching other have babies. Of not knowing what was going on with my body. Of fearing that I would never get the one thing I wanted more than anything in this world.

What others say and think shouldn't matter. And in the long run, they don't. But their words still cut.

To all of you beautiful, strong ladies who are struggling through treatments and still waging your battles, I pray for you every day. You are in my thoughts always. I will never forget that I was a small part of the IF community.

Even now, IF still sucks.

5 Week Bumpdate

The sheer excitement to start this weekly update is indescribable.

No bump picture this week, for obvious reasons. I think there is the smallest bit of bloat going on the evenings, obviously nothing else. And I have no interest in taking a picture of my currently flabby belly.

How far along? 5 weeks and a day or so (really wishing I'd been charting to I knew my exact O date; oh, well)

Weight gain/loss: Just going to lay it out there. I was at 174 the last time I weighed before finding out I'm pregnant. It had probably been a little over a week since I'd weighed and I'd missed some days of working out due to my own injury, a little pain/illness The Hubby was going through, and attending a wedding. I will also admit to some stress eating from work stress. So, when I weighed on Wednesday, the day after finding out, I was at 177. So, I'm using that as my starting weight. I will be weighing on Sundays or Mondays from this point as that's when my new week starts and when I will do these updates. The scale showed one pound up from last week.

Workout Note: I'm adding this one for my own little accountability. I am trying to continue as much of my regular workout as possible. Previously, I was on a routine of M/F - hour cardio split between bike/treadmill/ellipical, very heavy pace, very high heart rate; T/Th - 20min. elliptical, hour BodyPump class (strength training w/cardio), 25min. elliptical, very heavy pace very high heart rate; W - 20min. elliptical, hourlong Nike Training Club (boot camp/circuit training), incredibly high paced, lots of impact moves; Sat. - cardio kickboxing, crazy high paced and heart rate. When I injured myself a few weeks back, I'd taken off a day of NTC and actually stopped my cardio machines altogether and started swimming a little. My goal is to continue working out as much as possibly can. I am already overweight, but getting into shape and I don't want to lose that. And I know how good it will be for me during pregnany, during labor/delivery, and after birth. My current routine is M/F - swimming (hour), T/Thu - 20min. ellipitical, BodyPump (with some lower weights; modifications will come as I progress), W - probably an hour on the elliptical, S - cardio kickboxing (LOTS of breaks, LOTS of water, and no impact moves).

Feeling:  Mostly okay. Nausea here and there, but mostly if  I'm going too long without eating. Tummy issues here and there, but mostly food related - I've apparently developed a bit of lactose intolerance, which is really annoying because I'm a big-time dairy girl. Lactaid is my new BFF. Beyond that, absolutely elated and could not care less when I feel like crap.

Maternity clothes:  Uh, no. Not even close.

Sleep:  There's not enough of it, but that was true pre-pregnancy. I think I've gotten up to pee at least once a night every night, but usually something else has woken me up. I don't seem to be sleeping as soundly, but I am sleeping.

Food cravings:  More like does anything sound good? I have little desire for anything I usually love (pasta, chocolate) and feel better when I eat real, whole meals.

Movement:  Way too early!

Best moment this week:  Those two beautiful lines (on all three tests) and the digital read out: "pregnant". (And I may or may not have 4 more digitals to take.)

What I'm looking forward to:  My first appointment can't get here soon enough. I'm praying we get the chance to see our little (insert cute name here; still trying to decide on one, suggestions welcome). And telling more people. Yes, a lot of people already know, but there an important few who I can't wait to tell.

Next Appointment:  April 9

Milestones:  Baby is the size of an appleseed this week and will begin developing his/her little heart. Mommy can't wait to hear it beat.

Promise all weekly updates will NOT be this long and involved!

14

As of tonight, 14 is the number of people we have told.
That is an insanely large number for five weeks.
When we started this journey so long ago, I was adamant that no one know before the end of first trimester.
I was also adamant that know one know we were trying.
Ha!
I had decided many months ago that keeping the secret was no longer as appealing as it once was. Going through IF, and having people go through it with us, change my feelings. If people could know about the struggle, shouldn't they  get to celebrate its end with us? And, if these people were close enough to share IF with, they'd be close enough to know if something were to go wrong with the pregnancy.
If I'd had it my way, all of six people would know right now. But, I couldn't make my mom keep it from my stepdad. If my parents were going to know, how could I really keep The Hubby from telling his parents. And sister and her husband live with my inlaws, do they had to know.
I get nervous with each new person who knows so early. I'm still 3/4 weeks away from seeing the doctor and many weeks away from second tri.
But, I have to believe in the positive. I have believe there is no reason to worry.

Anatomy of a BFP

First things first, I have to thank the lovely ladies who commented on the picture of my two beautiful lines and offered their congratulations and love. I have never met any of you, but I want to hug each and every one of you because you are important to me in ways you will never know.

How was this THE cycle? I honestly haven't got a clue.

I could type out a play-by-play, but I don't feel like it matters. I will say that some stressors were taken out of our life right at the start of this cycle and it really changed our whole outlook on life. For the first time ever, I had what I believe was an ovulation migraine (I get migraines, but never at this time of my cycle except when I was getting them regularly years ago). Oh, and there was the shower sex (some of you TTGP oldies will totally get this reference).

I wasn't charting. I was barely trying. We did have sex twice during fertile week, but I have no idea where our timing was since I wasn't charting and confirm when I O'd.

But, whatever was happening, it really didn't even occur to me it would happen this cycle. Really, why would it? After this long of trying on our own, I'd really resigned myself to needing treatment and not giving birth before the age of 35. It just wasn't in the cards. And I was okay. I was formulating a plan.

Oh, plans.

For two and half years, I've had my hopes dashed time after time to the point where hope - when it came to this subject - was nearly lost. Optimism was mostly a thing of the past.

That's why it took me until CD30 to buy a test. That I wouldn't take until the next day.

I was terrified. I was beyond terrified. I'd been wondering for three days. I'd had no normal PMS symptoms, but still spend all of CD29 convincing myself that I was cramping and having my normal stomach issues. I dreaded going to the bathroom, but every time I did, I fully expected to see the worst.

But, it kept not happening. And the longer it didn't happen, the more scared I got. I couldn't even tell The Hubby. I couldn't handle his disappointment when the inevidible happened.

By CD30 when still nothing, I couldn't deny the fact that it was time to test. I was shaking all day. I finally told The Hubby at an early dinner and he did a really good job of staying calm, thank God.

I must have looked like some scared teenager buying the tests. I stared at them for a long time, shaking as I picked it up and placed it into my basked, tears in my eyes. Anyone who was paying attention probably would have sworn I was praying to not be pregnant.

I nearly threw up when the damn box was scanned. How many times had I done this? How many times had I wasted my money? How many times had I been wrong?

I bought the three pack because they were cheaper. First Response. At CD30, when my two longest cycles had been 30 and 31 days, no sense in messing around with the Dollar Store cheapies.

I actually considered testing that night. If The Hubby had not napped on the bed while I worked my way through my DVR, I'd have probably done it. But, I chickened out. There was some cramping. I just knew I'd wasted my money again.

I've had a pattern lately of waking up a good 30 minutes before my already ridiculously early alarm. When I looked at the clock, I tried to formulate a plan. Get up at the second alarm instead of the third to have more time to test before going to the gym.

Yep, I was still thinking about the gym. I was telling myself, gym either way. But, truthfuly, I wasn't fully fathoming an actual positive result.

Second alarm went off. I did not get out of bed. Too scared. Nearly in tears from the fear. Convincing myself that we wouldn't need the extra time because it would be negative and I'd just want to hurry on to the gym to work out my frustrations.

Last alarm. No choice but to get up.

I long ago stopped peeing directly on the stick. I think I got burned by that once. Peed on the stick only to discover seconds later it was completely unnecessary. So, cup it was.

I watched the window and immediately saw the left line come in. I've seen enough to know that is NOT where the control line comes in.

But, I still waited.

It took a couple more seconds for the control line to come in.

I was staring at two lines.

All I could do was cry. And shake.

I opened the bathroom door and could only manage to get out "Baby! Baby!" to wake up The Hubby.

He threw back the covers from a dead sleep. I don't even know if I said anything but just turned the test around for him to see.

He stumbled into the bathroom, didn't even grab his glasses, to see the lines. And he just hugged me and we cried.

I had to laugh because he got his phone out first to take pictures. Then I took one.

We just started giggling. He asked if we should still go to the gym. Hell yeah! I felt fine. No reason not to go.

The moment still feels surreal. After so many tests with that one horrible line, I stopped being able to picture my own two lines.

I'm probably nuts, but I only took the one test. It was all I needed.

Now, for the standard TTGP rundown.

What I did differently: Nothing. No, I didn't chart, but that really didn't make a difference as far as the actual trying part. I did experience my first ever ovulation migraine (look it up, it's real). Don't know if something different was going on with my body, but there it is. I will say that I was a little lighter on my workouts during the 2ww, but not for purposes of trying. I had an injury as well as some work stress, so I was resting my leg and missed a couple of workouts/replaced a couple of workouts with swimming. I've done little to no exercise many times before, so I do not believe that has any bearing.

Symptoms: Lack of PMS symptoms were the biggest. No crazy carb/pasta cravings. That should have been my biggest clue. No extreme mood swings/overreacting outburts. Big clue #2. SOOOOORRRRREEEEE boobs. My girls tend to get pretty tender from a couple DPO to a couple days before CD1, but usually only the nipples. This has been mostly nipple area, but really just heaviness and swelling in the entire boob. I've had cramping and tummy issues similar, but not quite to PMS/period issues. I've actually noticed a pattern now for the last three nights of cramping/heartburn/gas pains around 8:00. Heartburn is another one. Nearly every food has given it to me.

I've got an appointment with my new OB for around 8 weeks. The person who answered the phone when I called was the first person I actually said "I'm pregnant" to.

I still can't believe it's real. It's so odd this early because nothing has changed. My body doesn't really feel or look different (minor symptoms aside). But, I know.

I go into my backyard to take the dogs out like I do every morning, only now I know I'm pregnant.
I get my weights readyfor BodyPump, and I know I'm pregnant.
I plug in my Zune in the car and sing at the top of my lungs. And I know I'm pregnant.

I am pregnant.

Two Beautiful Lines

"Blessed"

"Blessed"

"Hey you, you're a child in my head
You haven't walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you'll be blessed

I know you're still just a dream
your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I've ever seen
Anyway you'll be blessed

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed

I need you before I'm too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you and watch you grow
And know that you're blessed

 

And you, you'll be blessed
You'll have the best
I promise you that
I'll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat
I promise you that, promise you that, promise you that
You'll be blessed"

                                  - Bernie Taupin (lyrics)

                                     (performed/music by Elton John)