A Brand New Day

When I started this journey toward becoming a mom, I had no idea where it would take me and how I would handle it all. In the beginning, I thought we'd have some fun, take advantage of my found libido that had been lost to hormonal birth control, and probably get pregnant pretty soon. By six months, I realized that was not working and that I was letting myself be consumed with trying to get pregnant.

At six months, I joined the wonderful TTGP commuinty on The Bump, started charting, and made some wonderful friendships and found a wonderful outlet. I felt empowered having some knowledge of my body and getting to help others along this journey.

When the year mark hit, I again found myself wallowing. Despite my fears of infertility, I really and truly never thought it would take a year more. And the fact that I was now faced with starting testing really did me in. I had to take a step back from my online community because TTC seemed to be consuming me.

It was better when I decided to hold off testing a few months and then took a break from everything but having sex for a month.

Testing was another new chapter that brought more angst. And more heartache. While it was great to find out that we checked out on all the basics, I felt like we were back at square one and I didn't know what to do.

Last cycle's inadvertant break allowed me to find some new clarity on this process and on my life.

I've known for a long time that this whole process is a hurry up and wait, a vicious cycle of two weeks at a time, a string of emotional up and downs. CD1 - angry, sad, depressed. This lasts a few days. Gearing up to O - anticipation, planning seduction strategies, worrying about getting The Hubby's coopearation and wondering if we're hitting the right days. Post-O - Worrying that we didn't hit the right days or if we had enough sex. End of 2ww - are these symptoms? I think I could be! I'm absolutely not, no way in hell! Emotions and hormones on the rise. And then it starts all over.

But last cycle, I didn't really have any of that. I didn't worry about timing; once I was past O, I didn't really give anything a second thought; my period came with no adverse reaction.

I've been happy. I've been relaxed. The Hubby and I have not been arguing because I haven't been on edge.

Beyond that, though, I've realized that I've let all this time go by while I've been going through all of the above. I've not paid attention to myself, I've stopped doing things I love. I started realizing that there was something missing from my life. Something little "keep me occupied and my mind off the situation" projects weren't going to fix. Taking up sewing or cooking my way through a cookbook were not my answers. Working on keeping my house clean and organized was not doing it. Working out and losing weight was not enough.

It just so happened that all of these feelings were coinciding with other opportunities for outlets.

I have been a customer of Mary Kay cosmetics for a few years and discovered the fabulous Stella & Dot jewelry line the past year. My super fabulous Mary Kay consultant has been to bring me aboard forever and just recently, one of my best friends did sign on. Another good friend had signed on with Stella & Dot in January and it was something I had been considering. I'd been putting off both ventures, though, for fear that we didn't have the money to invest, I wouldn't be good at it, and that I would get pregnant and not have the time, energy, or inclination.

Fear is a crap thing. And I'm tired of letting fear run my life.

What has fear gotten me?

I was afraid for so long to bring up when to have kids with The Hubby. We waited and that may have hurt us. I was afraid it would take me a long time to get pregnant and/or that I would deal with issues. Where did that get me? It got me over a year and half of worry and stress as I tried in vain and the outcome wasn't any better. I was scared to get tested. And, what do you know, all the tests came out clear.

Combined with my new found goal to overcome my fears and some concerns about our flow of income, I decided it was time to do something for me.

After much debate over my two favorite product lines and some great people, I decided to sign on as a Stylist with Stella & Dot. If you do not know about Stella & Dot, visit my site at http://stelladot.com/sites/ashleybearden to find out about this fabulous product and company.

Never in a million years did I imagine that this journey to start a family would bring me to a completely new adventure. But it really did. I really feel like I would not be brining this new job into my life were it not for this journey.

This journey to become a mom has become so much more. It's been - and, no doubt, will continue to be - a journey of self discovery. I have learned so much about myself and have found myself doing things I never thought I would. I've made friends through an online community; I've poured my heart and soul into a blog; I've talked about things with The Hubby that I never thought I would; I've slowly become an advocate, a voice for infertility.

And now I start something new. Something just for me. Something that will matter to me baby or no baby.

Today is my day.

A Kindred Spirit?

Or do I just turn everything into something about me and TTC?

Just kidding.

Kind of.

I visited the zoo today with some co-workers (for all the crap that's been happening with my company lately, we do still have some pretty cool perks like taking three paid hours off to spend with our teams--I'm a team leader with a team of three--or on our own if we choose; my team and I have been trying to make it to the zoo for a couple of months). While watching the lions (a male and female), one of my team members says (about the lioness), "She still doesn't look pregnant."

An odd sort of comment, so someone else asks if she is pregnant.

Come to find out, no, she wasn't but they've been trying to get her pregnant since February of 2010.

Now, where does my mind go? Aww, she's like me.

This particular lioness, I believe, had had cubs before, but they were trying to get her and her mate to have more. For over a year she's been unsuccessful.

It was just sort of an interesting thing to hear. It never occurred to me that humans were not the only ones who would deal with IF. So, now, I'm wondering, are we?

It could be that this lioness, having already had cubs previously, was past her prime. But, what if she has some sort of secondary IF?

Anyway, I felt for her. I don't believe she goes through the same type of pain and heartache that humans do when not getting pregnant, but maybe she does in her own way. In the animal kingdom, I think mothering instincts and simply bearing offspring may be even more natural and important than with humans. Humans have other things going on in their lives--work, other family, hobbies. Animals are hunters and breeders.

So, what happens to them if they don't breed?

Thank You, Universe (No, really)

I know lots of ladies who have taken breaks in their TTC journey for one reason or another. I've never really considered doing that because I've never felt I had a reason--i.e., no even to plan around, etc.--or felt like I could afford the time. I've never felt the pressure enough to TTA for a cycle to give myself a break--the most I did was lay off charting.

As it turns out, maybe the universe knew better.

Although we were not TTA or taking a break, this last cycle was just that. Timing just did not work out and with all the testing, I just never felt like putting more pressure on ourselves to make sure we got it done. We still had a shot with our only day of sex being two days before ovulation, but I knew from the get-go that we were out.

My 2ww was much calmer. I've started to question phantom symptoms because I didn't have a single one (that is for another post). I actually temp'ed the entire 2ww, which I have not done in quite a few cycles, because I didn't feel like anything was hanging on each and every temp.

And I didn't have the big let down. I was so nice and such a change to not feel the extreme disappointment. And I even had a few reasons to wonder if bad timing worked for us. I went the distance again on my LP--all the way to 15DPO before my period showed (and later in the day, at that!), not even any spotting beforehand. My temp even went up at 14DPO. I had decided to test on Saturday morning (15DPO) no matter which was my temp went that morning. I had two events that day where drinking would be involved, so I felt like I needed to have that confirmed BFN to drink without worry if my period did not show first thing in the morning. Temp dropped big time, but I tested anyway.

BFN.

Not even a hint of tears.

Later in the day, the bitch finally showed.

You know what? Still no tears.

And I had an awesome day. I had fun girl time with friends, I did some shopping, and then had an evening out with The Hubby and friends--and wine.

And CD2? With the exception of cramps from hell, also great. I was energized and happy and hopeful.

Thank you, universe, for knowing better than me what I needed.

Just When I Think. . .

Just when I'm in a good place, something throws me and I have to work my way back.

Having a good day despite the new cycle and PMS. At the grandparents eating Easter dinner. I look over and notice on the fridge a sonogram picture.

Shaking it off but it hurt.

Just another reminder.

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New Fears

I thought I was over being afraid of things once testing was complete and everything looks good for both of us. (Note: I am still going to ask for 7DPO progesterone testing; I am calling tomorrow as Thursday would be 7DPO for this cycle.)

Of course, I still have the same fears of never getting pregnant or is still taking a really long time. Those come with the IF territory.

My new fear is perception--both my own and others.

A lot of people know we've been trying. A lot. More than I probably wish, but we're fairly open people, so it was really inevitable.

I'm not really sure if most people, though, who know we've been trying really realize how long it has been. And even more disconcerting as we move forward officially as struggling with IF is that I'm rather sure many of them do not understand IF and all that it is about.

One of the fears I had with going through with testing was being told nothing was wrong. Even though logically I know that unexplained IF exists and can be just as difficult (if not moreso sometimes because there isn't anything to actually fix), I felt that being told we had nothing wrong meant I was being impatient.

Well, all of that happened.

So, I'm left feeling like it is 18 months ago and there is no reason we shouldn't get pregnant. That we just needed to give it more time.

I know that's not true. But, then my mind starts wandering to what others will think and say.

Take my in-laws. I love my in-laws dearly. I am very close to my MIL and SIL in particular. But, they have no concept of what it is like to try to get pregnant. No one in The Hubby's family has ever tried to get pregnant. They are, as my MIL told me one day last summer, "fertile myrtles". My SIL, God love her, says to me as I sat there holding my 4-day-old niece--her third baby in as many years--"All my friends who have tried have said you just have to relax." She's very lucky the baby was in my arms. I had been trying for 8 months and my niece was the 4th baby born to someone I know in about a three week period and my other new niece was due about two weeks after. So did not need that.

The Hubby, very unfortuately, seems to share the "just relax" and that "you stress out too much" sentiment. "Everybody" tells him that you just have to relax and not stress and it'll happen. I don't know who those people are, but my guess is not a one of them had to try very hard or very long to get pregnant.

So, I've found myself avoiding my in-laws. I want desperately to go see my nephew and nieces, but I know someone will ask. And I know The Hubby will tell them about the tests. And I know they will pull out the "it just takes time."

There are people at work and certain friends who know we've been trying. And all these people know how badly I want kids. And some of them have given me "it'll happen," "it takes time," "you want it so much, so it seems like a long time," "maybe it's not meant to be," etc.

These are all people who will not necessarily be told about the testing, but I'm not one to lie or side step a question when asked.

And there is my family. My mother understands. Hers was unexplained as well. But, one round of Clomid got her pregnant.

Then there is my cousin who struggled a bit to get pregnant (nowhere near as long as me--I've been trying twice as long--but she dealt with real issues of trouble ovulating) and did three rounds of Clomid to get pregnant. The weekend after it was announced to the family, I avoided a family gathering because I couldn't deal. Good think I did because my mom informed that my cousin wanted to get me ready for Clomid. Her heart was in the right place--like me, she thinks it would be great for us to be pregnant together and have two babies around the family--but we aren't in the same position. Most likely a few rounds of Clomid will not fix what's wrong with us.

So, all of this does absolutely nothing to boost my confidence in us having gone through the testing.

I am back to worrying if I'm just stressing to much and worrying too much. All the little voices with all the doubts in the back of my mind are back.

Epic FAIL?

I think this cycle has managed to become an epic fail in the matter of actually making a baby.

I know I should be content with having gone to the RE and having gotten the tests done and getting great results across the board. But, all that doesn't mean much if my body decides, once again, to play games and we can't manage to get any kind of timing.

I'm not counting us out just yet because my temps have been pretty wonky this cycle. But, my temp this morning gave me dotted CHs on Tuesday. Tuesday?! As in CD10?! Seriously?! My earliest O to day has been CD13. Why the hell would I all of the sudden O so early?

Of course, with an O date that early, we have 0 chance of being pregnant. We didn't even have sex until the day after--Tuesday was the day The Hubby had the SA done.

I'm really trying not to stress and freak out. I do not think that date could possibly be right. I had an abnormally low temp on Tuesday and then a huge jump on Wednesday due to, I believe, lack of sleep (we were both awake just after 1:00 and I actually got out of bed to pee and restart the dryer; I did mark sleep deprived on my chart to get an open circle). But, I still have EWCM and have had it every day since CD10, so I don't see how it's possible.

I will admit to putting in a dummy temp for tomorrow (low) and it took the CHs away.

But, seriously, why can't we get our act together? Timing is everything!

And, really, can someone besides me please tell The Hubby that nothing and nobody can actually predict exactly when I am going to O? Otherwise, I might have to smack him upside the head!

Unexplained It Is

I got the call yesterday that my AMH levels are excellent--1.8; 1.0 is normal.

The Hubby gave his sample yesterday. We were both nervous wrecks waiting for the results. He was convinced, especially after we got my results, that he was the problem. I tried explaining unexplained infertility, but he didn't quite get it.

He bugged me all day to call the doctor's office, but wanted to wait until 24 hours after the drop off. But, 2:00pm came and I chickened out. I did not want to hear bad news.

At 2:30, I called. I much have a sixth sense. The nurse had JUST gotten the results.

"Normal" was all she said.

That was enough for me, but I wanted some numbers. The numbers I hear about the most are total count, motility, and morphology.

128 million. Good number? Nope. EXCELLENT number. Normal is anything over 40 million. The nurse and I both actually giggled a little when she said the number.

Motility (how fast the boys swim) is 53%. Normal between 40% and 50%.

Morphology (basically, how they are shaped; their condition) is 5%. There are conflicting opinions on the normal number here. And, I'm reading more, conflicting opinions on what it means. There is little they can do to correct any issues here and it may or may not prevent the sperm from impregnating.

I was practically in tears when I got off the phone and immediately called The Hubby.

I could tell he was practically in tears when I said normal. He was so excited; it was so cute. He wanted to hear all the numbers and said he wanted to frame the results.

He has taken to calling himself Superman and The Sperminator. If nothing else, this has given him more confidence.

I haven't quite decided if this all good news or bad news. On the one hand, we haven't just been spinning our wheels for a year and half. There may still be issues that they have no tests for, but all the basics are good. So, good news. But, if all of the basics are good, why haven't we gotten pregnant in a year and half? And is our only option now for getting pregnant any time soon IUI?

For now, I'm happy with just knowing. Now, this cycle, we can have good timing (hopefully) and and know that there is nothing huge in our way. I've always said that just knowing one way or the other will be huge for me and it really is.

The Hubby believes this just means it's not happening yet and we just have to keep trying. I am on board with that as I almost feel like this a huge sign that God has a plan and we have to be patient. But, The Hubby also still has some issues understanding the process. He thinks I can call the doctor and they can tell me the exact date to have sex and get pregnant. I swear he watched The Sperm Race. How can he not get it?

I will be calling Dr. K's office back tomorrow to see what the plan should be going forward. I still have not the 7DPO progesterone check, so I would like to see if they want to do that this cycle. The accupuncturist I saw a few months ago thought I might be low, but I don't know how much stock I put in her opinion due to how she drew that conclusion.

I know what Dr. K will say the plan should be. We can either continue on our own or head to IUI. He will give the option of just doing a medicate cycle, but I know that doesn't up our chances a lot. But, my mother was also unexplained and one round of Clomid got her by brother.

So, we'll have decisions to make too. I don't know what they will be yet. And they won't be made until after this cycle.

We'll have to see if The Sperminator (what do we think? blog name change for The Hubby?) with his new found confidence can get the job done this time around!

Why, yes, that is a collection cup in my bag.

I'm finding it highly amusing, in a 13-year-old sort of way, that I am carrying around a speciman collection cup and a biohazard bag in my work bag. Of course, they are currently empty, but it's still funny.

The Hubby is giving his sample today for his SA. We had some scheduling issues due to him being sick last week, his fairly strict work schedule, and him not wanting to give the sample in the office since he had the choice.

So, we are meeting today when he is out of the office and in the field. It should be interesting. But, I've got the stuff with me and I didn't want to leave it in the car to be exposed to the heat we are sure to have later today. Call me paranoid.

And I do have both the cup and the bag in the non-descript gift-bag type bag the doctor's office gave it to me in.

But, that doesn't mean I giggle like a teenager at the thought of what is sitting under my desk at work.

The drop-off time is 2:00.

I'm praying all is well. I will take unknown IF over MFI any day of the week.