I thought I was over being afraid of things once testing was complete and everything looks good for both of us. (Note: I am still going to ask for 7DPO progesterone testing; I am calling tomorrow as Thursday would be 7DPO for this cycle.)
Of course, I still have the same fears of never getting pregnant or is still taking a really long time. Those come with the IF territory.
My new fear is perception--both my own and others.
A lot of people know we've been trying. A lot. More than I probably wish, but we're fairly open people, so it was really inevitable.
I'm not really sure if most people, though, who know we've been trying really realize how long it has been. And even more disconcerting as we move forward officially as struggling with IF is that I'm rather sure many of them do not understand IF and all that it is about.
One of the fears I had with going through with testing was being told nothing was wrong. Even though logically I know that unexplained IF exists and can be just as difficult (if not moreso sometimes because there isn't anything to actually fix), I felt that being told we had nothing wrong meant I was being impatient.
Well, all of that happened.
So, I'm left feeling like it is 18 months ago and there is no reason we shouldn't get pregnant. That we just needed to give it more time.
I know that's not true. But, then my mind starts wandering to what others will think and say.
Take my in-laws. I love my in-laws dearly. I am very close to my MIL and SIL in particular. But, they have no concept of what it is like to try to get pregnant. No one in The Hubby's family has ever tried to get pregnant. They are, as my MIL told me one day last summer, "fertile myrtles". My SIL, God love her, says to me as I sat there holding my 4-day-old niece--her third baby in as many years--"All my friends who have tried have said you just have to relax." She's very lucky the baby was in my arms. I had been trying for 8 months and my niece was the 4th baby born to someone I know in about a three week period and my other new niece was due about two weeks after. So did not need that.
The Hubby, very unfortuately, seems to share the "just relax" and that "you stress out too much" sentiment. "Everybody" tells him that you just have to relax and not stress and it'll happen. I don't know who those people are, but my guess is not a one of them had to try very hard or very long to get pregnant.
So, I've found myself avoiding my in-laws. I want desperately to go see my nephew and nieces, but I know someone will ask. And I know The Hubby will tell them about the tests. And I know they will pull out the "it just takes time."
There are people at work and certain friends who know we've been trying. And all these people know how badly I want kids. And some of them have given me "it'll happen," "it takes time," "you want it so much, so it seems like a long time," "maybe it's not meant to be," etc.
These are all people who will not necessarily be told about the testing, but I'm not one to lie or side step a question when asked.
And there is my family. My mother understands. Hers was unexplained as well. But, one round of Clomid got her pregnant.
Then there is my cousin who struggled a bit to get pregnant (nowhere near as long as me--I've been trying twice as long--but she dealt with real issues of trouble ovulating) and did three rounds of Clomid to get pregnant. The weekend after it was announced to the family, I avoided a family gathering because I couldn't deal. Good think I did because my mom informed that my cousin wanted to get me ready for Clomid. Her heart was in the right place--like me, she thinks it would be great for us to be pregnant together and have two babies around the family--but we aren't in the same position. Most likely a few rounds of Clomid will not fix what's wrong with us.
So, all of this does absolutely nothing to boost my confidence in us having gone through the testing.
I am back to worrying if I'm just stressing to much and worrying too much. All the little voices with all the doubts in the back of my mind are back.
Of course, I still have the same fears of never getting pregnant or is still taking a really long time. Those come with the IF territory.
My new fear is perception--both my own and others.
A lot of people know we've been trying. A lot. More than I probably wish, but we're fairly open people, so it was really inevitable.
I'm not really sure if most people, though, who know we've been trying really realize how long it has been. And even more disconcerting as we move forward officially as struggling with IF is that I'm rather sure many of them do not understand IF and all that it is about.
One of the fears I had with going through with testing was being told nothing was wrong. Even though logically I know that unexplained IF exists and can be just as difficult (if not moreso sometimes because there isn't anything to actually fix), I felt that being told we had nothing wrong meant I was being impatient.
Well, all of that happened.
So, I'm left feeling like it is 18 months ago and there is no reason we shouldn't get pregnant. That we just needed to give it more time.
I know that's not true. But, then my mind starts wandering to what others will think and say.
Take my in-laws. I love my in-laws dearly. I am very close to my MIL and SIL in particular. But, they have no concept of what it is like to try to get pregnant. No one in The Hubby's family has ever tried to get pregnant. They are, as my MIL told me one day last summer, "fertile myrtles". My SIL, God love her, says to me as I sat there holding my 4-day-old niece--her third baby in as many years--"All my friends who have tried have said you just have to relax." She's very lucky the baby was in my arms. I had been trying for 8 months and my niece was the 4th baby born to someone I know in about a three week period and my other new niece was due about two weeks after. So did not need that.
The Hubby, very unfortuately, seems to share the "just relax" and that "you stress out too much" sentiment. "Everybody" tells him that you just have to relax and not stress and it'll happen. I don't know who those people are, but my guess is not a one of them had to try very hard or very long to get pregnant.
So, I've found myself avoiding my in-laws. I want desperately to go see my nephew and nieces, but I know someone will ask. And I know The Hubby will tell them about the tests. And I know they will pull out the "it just takes time."
There are people at work and certain friends who know we've been trying. And all these people know how badly I want kids. And some of them have given me "it'll happen," "it takes time," "you want it so much, so it seems like a long time," "maybe it's not meant to be," etc.
These are all people who will not necessarily be told about the testing, but I'm not one to lie or side step a question when asked.
And there is my family. My mother understands. Hers was unexplained as well. But, one round of Clomid got her pregnant.
Then there is my cousin who struggled a bit to get pregnant (nowhere near as long as me--I've been trying twice as long--but she dealt with real issues of trouble ovulating) and did three rounds of Clomid to get pregnant. The weekend after it was announced to the family, I avoided a family gathering because I couldn't deal. Good think I did because my mom informed that my cousin wanted to get me ready for Clomid. Her heart was in the right place--like me, she thinks it would be great for us to be pregnant together and have two babies around the family--but we aren't in the same position. Most likely a few rounds of Clomid will not fix what's wrong with us.
So, all of this does absolutely nothing to boost my confidence in us having gone through the testing.
I am back to worrying if I'm just stressing to much and worrying too much. All the little voices with all the doubts in the back of my mind are back.
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