I Don't Want to Ride Anymore

When I was young, old and big enough to ride the "big" amusement park rides but still pretty young, I always thought the roller coaster looked like so much fun, but I was nervous to go on one. So, everytime we went to Six Flags, I would get in line but chicken out before I got to the ride. One time, I did actually make it all the way the car with my mom and couldn't do it. I did not want to ride it anymore.

It wasn't until I was 16 and in high school before I overcame my fears and discovered I loved roller coasters. The bigger, the faster, the crazier, the better.

But, I feel like that 8-year-old again.

I don't want to ride this ride anymore.

It's not fun. It's like the time I rode The Texas Giant and ended up with a migraine. All this roller coaster of a journey is doing is causing me pain.

I'm tired of the weight gain, of struggling to lose weight, of my face breaking out like I'm 16 again, of being so emotional that I cause a fight with The Hubby because I'm afaid he's going to turn down sex, of timing things, of taking stupid prenatal vitamins, of worrying about everything I eat and drink. I'm tired of not having anything to show for it all.

And I'm tired of watching the whole world get pregnant around me.

I just don't know if I can do it anymore. I don't know if I have it in me to go on with the process.

I think so much of it is fear, just like when I was a kid. Fear of the unknown.

I'm afraid of testing because I don't know what we'll find. I'm afraid of not being pregnant and not being able to handle the disappointment this time around. I'm afraid of BEING pregnant and then what if I do something to lose the baby after all the other disappointment. I'm afraid of not trying and having regrets.

I'm trying so hard to stay positive. I'm trying to look ahead to next week and my appointment and think of that as a good thing. I'm trying to focus on where I am in weight loss and getting healthy.

But clearly hormones are grabbing ahold and messing with the mojo.

All I know is right now, I want off.

Happy Dance!!

This is the first time I've been this excited about something in awhile!

When I set up for Weight Watchers, I chose Saturday as our weigh-in day. Not really sure why other than the fact that we can tend to eat more than usual on the weekends, so I figured we'd have the whole week to burn all that off.

And burn we did.

I lost 7 freaking pounds!!!!

I am beyond ecstatic about that number.

Now, I am not naive enough to think that I actually lost 7 pounds in one week. I know my body and I know how I lose weight. I have a tendency to hold on to weight and then it sort of comes off in one large chunk--at least according to the scale. So, I would venture to guess that number is a culmination of the past few weeks of working out really hard then adding in the better eating I did last week.

Oh, and the best part? I still showed that number after having a cheeseburger and fries for lunch the day before. We had been really good all week and The Hubby wanted to take a co-worker to lunch for her last day, so I tagged along (because it was a freaking hamburger--hello!!) and we had not use any flex points or activity points, all of which would start over the next day. And I figured if we followed it up with a really healthy, light dinner (which we did), then we'd probably be okay.

The Hubby lost 3 pounds. I think he was a little disappointed, but three pounds in a week is better than good.

I've already got this week's meals planned and we'll be back at the gym tomorrow morning (Sunday is our rest day--and boy did we need it this week). We were talking yesterday about the fact that we are both back in workout-mode. It's been a long time for us, so we're really happy about that and very proud of ourselves. We're starting Week 4 of morning workouts and we've worked out every day except one Monday when we were both sick.

I've actually caught myself having fleeting thoughts of being able to wear my skinny clothes next fall/winter or some of my skinny summer clothes. For the past year and half, I've thought about losing weight, but I've always made myself not think in those terms because I felt like I was trading in being pregnant for being skinny. That was so unhealthy and was causing me to sabotage myself.

I'm not doing that anymore. My goal is to lose weight and be healthy. We will start testing in just over a week and go from there. If I get pregnant, I will already be in a good place workout-wise and eating-wise to hopefully keep myself healthy and to keep from overgaining during pregnancy.

It's a brand new day!

Always on My Mind

(Cue Willie Nelson . . . )

This might be what you'd call an obvious statement, but trying to get pregnant is always in my mind. It's a consideration in everything I do--activities, plans, for I eat, what I drink. I'd love for it to not be there, but when so many things can effect the outcome, it seems omnipresent.

This is not to say that I don't drink in the 2ww or have coffee or don't plan an event, vacation (wait, what's that? it's been awhile), etc. around possibly being pregnant. Did I maybe in the beginning. Little bit. But, that gets real old real fast when you've been trying more than a few months.

The one thing that usually gets me going, though, is working out.

There are so many schools of thought. And I think that if I had been working out at the level I was a few years back for all this time, it wouldn't really cross my mind so much to worry.

On CD1, I have no problem having a serious workout. I get out my frustrations. And all during that two weeks while I'm waiting to O, I turn up the volume. But, then O comes. And after O, I start wondering.

This time around, it's a lot different because The Hubby and I have really been pushing it at the gym this entire cycle. We switched from afternoon/evening workouts to morning and that's not only helped us go every day, it's also upped my intensity because I'm going every day. I do the elliptical for an hour (plus 5 minute cool down) and am burning off 700+ calories a day. The "issue" is that my heart rate also spikes anywhere from 165 to 175 (pretty sure there was a 180 in there one day). It's not that high the entire time because I do 5-minute rotations of sprinting and a slower pace. During the workout, though, the lowest my heart rate drops is 145.

All of this was on my mind at I approached O this time around, knowing how hard I've been working. I didn't know for sure I was past O until after yesterday's workout, so this morning, I felt like I had a decision to make. I am now 5DPO (took four temps for FF to give me CHs). I decided to err on the side of caution.

I bumped it down a notch. Normally, during my sprints, I average 170 strides per minute (a little less later in the workout when I've got the resistance and crossbar at a higher level) and then 138 during my "down" times. I dropped down to 158/160 (then less as the I bumped up the resistance and crossbar) for sprints but kept the 138 for down times.

My heart rate was averaging 148. A little higher than I might have liked, but I know my body and there is no way I could have gotten any kind of a decent workout at anything less than that. I did peak at 154 during one sprint because I pushed a bit too hard. But, I didn't worry about it.

The great thing was that I still felt like it was a great workout and I still burned 675 calories.

I probably put too much thought into it this time around, but I feel like this one is the "final countdown." This is our last shot at being pregnant without being under the watchful eye of an RE. I don't know what's going to happen after the 29th. I know all next cycle will be testing, but beyond that, I have no idea.

I'm happy to working out like this again. Even if the scale is being stubborn (although I did finally see some downward movement this week; weigh in is Saturday, so we'll see), we're on the right track and that makes me happy. I WANT to lose the weight and be healthier.

It's just that pesky balancing act with TTC.

And a New Step

The Hubby and I just joined Weight Watchers.

I've been toying with the idea of joining since last summer when I was reaching weight highs and not loving it, but The Hubby talked me out it. Our theory was that I had done it on my own before with working out and watching my food intake--I didn't even really count calories.

But, when I started losing that weight, I was 4 years younger, on hormonal birth control, and had what it took to put all my thought and energy into it.

I don't have what it takes to put all my thought and energy into it anymore.

Losing weight tends to stress me out when I have other things going on, partially because I'm doing it for it two. Since I am the one who does all the food shopping, preparing, and cooking, The Hubby tends to leave the portion control and calorie counting to me. Problem there is that it takes a lot of time and energy to track one person, let alone two. Then there is the issue of it being me telling him what to and what not to eat. That just doesn't work.

I had hoped just joining the gym would do the trick. I basically do not lose weight just cutting back on food. My body needs the activity. But, we still struggled to get to the gym every day. Then, last week, I decided I wanted to try morning workouts and The Hubby wanted to still workout with me, so we've started getting up at an un-godly hour and dragging our butts to the gym.

Despite this push, though, I discovered late this week that the scale had gone up. I saw a number I have never seen and never expected to see outside of possible pregnancy. I will admit that I still haven't done the best at eating, but since working out every day, I had been doing better--plus, I am burning off on average 700 freaking calories a day in my workout. Shouldn't that count for something?

There was also the little argument that ensued while I was cooking dinner the other night. We had a difference of opinion on how many tacos The Hubby should eat. I finally had to hand him the package of tortillas so he could see why I was limiting him. It was quite the eye opener for him and made me realize that HE is never going to lose weight until he starts paying attention to his own food.

So, we are now members of Weight Watchers. Doing the online program. I'm really excited about it. I have a few friends who have had great success on it, so I'm really hoping this is the push we both need.

I'm still very upset with myself for letting it get this out of hand. I look at pictures of me two years ago and cannot believe how far I've gone. And I know that the weight is not good for either of us in terms of TTC and for me in a potential pregnancy. So, that is really good motivation, especially as we move forward with testing--I will be very happy to tell the RE that we, hopefully, we have already started losing and have a plan in place to lose.

And maybe I hope just a little to fit back into all my cute skinny clothes.

Moving On

In less than a month, we will officially be moving on to the testing portion of TTC. No more denial, no more stalling. The initial appointment with the RE has been made.

I never thought it would be so hard to actually make that appointment. Once I had my ducks in a row--the list of REs on both The Hubby's and my insurance--and CD1hit, I started having panic attacks. Flat out, crying, scared to even look at the websites panic attacks. I just still had such anxiety about this being the right choice. Was I being stupid not finishing out initial testing with my doctor? Would an RE think I was crazy and tell me to come back when I knew what was going on with me? All of these were stupid thoughts. And I knew it. But it still took some reassurance from the lovely 3T ladies to pull me through.

By CD3, I sucked it up and put a call into my first choice, the one I thought was my only choice (only names I initially saw on both our insurance lists). The person who answered the phone said she would put me through to the scheduling coordinator and I'd probably have to leave a message because she was usually on the phone. 

Something put me off about that. But, I was also looking at the website, which was telling me ot fill out information online and they would schedule the appointment. The scheduling coordinator's voicemail said they same. So, I went with it and answered all their questions, go confirmation emails. I also started noticing that the website only listed the two locations not closest to me, so I asked. I did get a response that they did still have the office close to me, but the main doctors were not in that office full time.

A little more off put.

As the day wore on and I continued looking at the website, I just kept feeling like something wasn't right. I kept feeling like this was not the place for me. Just a feeling, but I felt the experience was not going to be very personal.

I got to looking at our insurance lists again and noticed there was another match I had previously overlooked. It just so happened one of the lovely 3T ladies is using this other doctor and had great things to say.

Two days after I filled out the online information for Doctor #1, they office finally called to schedule my appointment. I was sitting in my cube and did not feel like discussing anything that might potentially be discussed where a lot of people could hear. I said I would call back, but I was already really considering Doctor #2.

My this past Monday, I had made my decision. Obviously, I needed to make the call. Doctor #2's website was leading me to believe I would get a much more personal experience, so I made the call.

The woman who answered the phone is the one who scheduled my appointment. I had booked a conference room at the office for 30 minutes not knowing how long I might be put on hold, etc. I was done in 5 minutes. I can't explain why, but that made all the difference to me.

So, it is done. I feel better now that the call is made. I'm sure I'll be nervous again when the day comes. The appointment is actually great timing--I should be anywhere from CD1 to CD3. And, no I hold no allusions that I will get pregnant this cycle and get to cancel the appointment. My life doesn't work that way and any thoughts like that went away long ago for me. But, we can start fresh with the new cycle.

Now, to start writing down my questions and concerns . . .

Time Marches On, and I'm Standing Still

Have you ever noticed how life moves us along in stages?

Going to high school.
Going to college.
Starting a career.
Being young and partying.
Dating.
Dating the one.
Living together.
Being engaged.
Getting married.
Deciding to start a family or not.
Trying to get pregnant.
Being pregnant.
Raising children.

It's great. It's these stages that make up our lives.

What if one of them stalls out on you? What if everybody else moves onto the next stage but you?

It struck me the other day that I'm stuck in this in between. There is nothing to go back to and I literally can't move forward. Once I hit the year mark, I was faced a lot of repeat events and times where I was now not pregnant or didn't have a baby AGAIN. And I watch as other people move along and I'm nowhere near catching up.

It really hit me earlier this week when two friends were talking about going to the local JBF sale. They went together last year when one had a five-month-old and the other was about seven months pregnant. At the time, only not quite six months into TTC, it killed me listening to them make plans that I could have no part of. It wasn't jealousy. It was a feeling of being left out and left behind. They didn't make me feel this way. It wasn't their fault.

That's the life stages they were in.

Now, a year later, they are preparing to sell baby items they no longer need and the subject of shopping the sale came up. It was something I hadn't thought about in the last year because I don't really think about getting left behind. That boat sailed a long time ago. But, here I was thinking that I couldn't go last Winter/Spring because I wasn't pregnant. Then again in the Fall. And, now, Winter/Spring again.

And these friends now have a 17-month-old and 10-month-old.

As I was processing those thoughts, something happened on the TTGP message board today. One of my favorite Bumpies re-introduced herself saying that she and her hubby plan to start trying again end of Summer/Fall. Her sweet little girl is two months old. We had been trying the same amount of time when she got pregnant on Cycle 8.

Two girls at work have gotten pregnant and given birth in the time I've been trying.

I don't really know if I have much of a point here.

I'm not sad, really. 

I think sometimes, I just don't realize what's happening. It doesn't feel like 17 months to me. It's like my world has stopped and everybody else's has just moved on.

I Love My Husband

First, this was not the blog post I had in my head all day.

But, The Hubby has been so incredibly awesome the past few days, I have to get this out there.

Obviously, I love him. I sure would hope so--I'm trying to have a baby with him. But, sometimes, those husbands just really come out of nowhere and remind you all over again why you fell in love with and married them in the first place.

This last month, I've been looking for REs and finally had some picked and asked The Hubby to check his insurance for REs so we could cross reference. He was dragging his feet. I yelled. He said he'd do it. We both got busy. I didn't want to nag. I was starting to quietly get upset as my period creeped up. CD1 I still had no appointment or even a doctor picked. I sent The Hubby a text. He said he was busy but that he would do it later.

I'll be honest. I didn't believe him. At all.

An hour later, I got back from getting lunch to find an email with the link to the list of REs on his insurance. Then, he called to tell me he had called his insurance company to get the info on what his coverage is. And he said to call and get the appointment and we'd call his GP to get the referral (he's got an HMO, so we have to have a stupid referral).

I was so happy and relieved. I immediately saw that the doctor/clinic I wanted to go to was on his list, so that sealed the deal. I started looking at their website again.

And I got nervous.

The day went on, but I was too busy at work to even think about calling. I work in a cubicle where everyone can hear every phone call. I'm too secretive about the process at this point, but I didn't know what kinds of things would need to be said over the phone and I didn't want them to be heard.

I got home and looked at the website again. They have a "Contact" tab where you put in your contact info. and they call you. I filled it out.

And I had a panic attack.

I'm fairly certain it was the hormones of CD1, but I got freaked by all the advanced stuff on the website. Of course, the advertise all the procedures they do. And here I am "just" wanting initial testing. I got scared that they would laugh in my face and tell me I needed to go back to my OB until I found something wrong. Obviously, this was crazy thinking and the lovely ladies of 3T have calmed me down and let me know that my feelings were quite normal.

Meanwhile, The Hubby starts asking questions. He wants to know about his test and even started looking things up. Besides watching The Great Sperm Race with me, this was the first time he's shown a big interest in the actual process.

That calmed me.

Of course, work was super busy again today and I could not get away to a conference room to make the call, but I will be calling tomorrow when I work from home and can say whatever needs to be said.

And feel whatever needs to be felt. I'm afraid I'm going to cry when I get off the phone. We'll blame hormones.

But, back The Hubby.

Out of the blue tonight, he asks again about getting things schedule. That's right. My husband. Mr. It'll Happen When It Happens is talking me into making the call. He tells me we need to not wait, we're running out of time. "You're going to ovulate soon," he said. "So, we need to get going. Just tell me what I need to do."

That's really all I need to hear. To have him onboard, scared as he is too that something will be wrong with him, is the best thing I could ever hope for.