Which Came First . . .

The BFN or the irritability?

I broke a rule. My rule, but a rule nonetheless.

Not temping has made me a bit crazy, I think. Seeing my temps fall helps me not feel the need to test. Not knowing made me anxious.

I tested this morning--14DPO. Not even an evap. line to pretend a positive.

And now I'm a bit pissy, but is that because of the result or is it PMS and just in general pissy-ness about the whole thing.

Really, I tested to calm my nerves. And it has. I'm disappointed because a BFN is never easy to see. But, there is still a slim chance and, basically, I can say as of right this second I'm not. So, now I can stop wondering and can just wait.

I'm trying to look on the bright side in that if I'm not, it means more time of good workouts at they gym. We did join a gym last week, but I've been trying to take it a little easy this week until I know for sure. I want to workout during pregnancy, but since I haven't been working out consistently for awhile, I need to make sure I don't overdo it--because, believe me, I have a tendency to overdo it in that area. So, if I'm not pregnant, I'm just trying to look it at is more time to lose some weight and get my endurance built back up.

I'm a little annoyed about testing "early" but given that it is 14DPO and 14 is my longest LP, I only feel like I'm breaking my rule a little. And a lot of women don't test positive until after they are actually late. And I'm still not feeling any real PMS symptoms, but I've been burned by that before.

So, really, now I will do nothing until Friday. Seriously.

I'll admit to having my hopes dashed a bit and my optimism has shrunk a bit, but it ain't over 'till "the bitch" shows her face.

And I'm stopping here before I put any negative energy out there!

Where Did That Come From?

Yeah, it's a two post kinda day.

And it might be more than that before the day is done.

Damn roller coaster.

Anyway, I was just in the restroom at the office (I prayed before I went in--you know those last few days of the 2ww when you are afraid to go pee for fear of what you might find) washing my hands when one of our resident prenant gals walked in behind me.

My first thought?

Look how cute and pregnant she looks.

I know. I shocked even myself. It's not that I have anything against this girl or her pregnancy. Actually, she's a super sweet girl and I'm happy for her (even if we do think the math adds up to her getting prenant on her honeymoon--sigh), but she was cute and pregnant last time I saw her probably three weeks ago. But when I saw her then, behind my smile was always the wistfulness.

Actually, I'm fairly certain that "aw, look how cute the pregnant girl is" thought hasn't entered my mind since my last pregnant friend had her baby.

I think it is that optimism thing again.

And I'm still trying to talk myself out of peeing on sticks. It's not going well. But, I don't have any in the house so it would take an extra stop at the store to get one.

Must concentrate on work . . .

Bundle of Nerves

This is a weird week. 13DPO today and I have no clue what's going on. I've almost considered breaking the thermometer back out so I can see what my temps are doing and not get too excited for no reason. And I have actually considered buying and even using an HPT.

I will do neither. I plan to stick to my resolve and wait it out. Friday will be the earliest day I would test. Technically, I could test on Thursday as that would be 15DPO, but given that my longest LP is 14 days, I could still start on Thursday, so I will wait until Friday--16DPO.

I'm a bundle of nerves.

I'm terrrified I'm not pregnant.

Of course, I never expect it anymore. I expect the disappointment. But, on top of not temping so I have no idea what my temps are doing, I don't have that usual feeling of being "out." No real cramps to speak of. No crazy hormonal binges (now, I'm always hormonal and emotional, but no real mood swings right now). My boobs hurt some. But, I just don't feel "out."

But, I've had that feeling before. How can I forget two cycles ago when I wrote a blog post about not feeling anything, so I had my hopes up a bit and then an hour later, it was over? Or on Cycle 12 when I went my longest LP to date and my temps even stayed up some, so I even tested?

I'm really happy about our timing this cycle. It's not any better than other cycles, but at least it was good. I'm really happy with where The Hubby and I are in terms of having a baby. It just feels like this should be it.

So, does that mean it won't be?

I've even checked out an EDD--September 16, I believe. Of course, that would make for a very busy birthday week as we have a niece with a birthday on the 15th, a nephew with a birthday on the 23rd, and my mom's birthday on the 21st. And that would put me gone from work during our very busiest time.

Granted, none of that matters in the slightest because I would pregnant and there would be a baby.

Remember how I said I lost my optimism? So, yeah, it's back. I don't know what it is about this cycle, but I am the most optimistic I've been in a year.

And that terrifies me.

I Wish

I am back at work today after a two week break at the end of the year--no, I'm not a teacher, just very lucky to have a job that let's me use my time in such a way that I can always take the last two weeks of the year off if I so choose.

So, back to work today and since I was not able to go grocery shopping this weekend, I had no food in the house and needed breakfast. Luckily, I have friends who usually need breakfast too. While fetching our breakfast from the cafe downstairs, my friend Julie compliments my Christmas card. Usually, I give the cards out at work, but I ordered them late this year, so they were not here in time for me to do that before many of us went on vacation. I had also mentioned to her that not everybody in the office was getting my picture card. I guess I neglected to mention that was because I didn't order enough to do that, so only my good friends would be getting the card and most would be mailed.

Julie said this morning that she was half hoping/expecting a sonogram picture.

I wish.

Funny, though, the comment didn't upset me in any way as I might have expected. I suppose because it was coming from such a good place. She knows what I've been going through and wants very much for me to be pregnant.

For now, I'm just wishing for better than a sonogram picture on next year's card--I'm wishing for baby pictures.

Really, Mom? Just really?

My mother is well aware of our efforts TTC.

My mother also knows what those efforts are like--it took her 5 years to have my little brother.

My mother also sometimes says the wrong thing thinking she's just being funny.

We are on a little girls' weekend at my aunt's house with another aunt. Last night she and one aunt were talking about my aunt's niece-in-law (Mom used to work with her; they are friends) who has been trying for a long time, has had an ectopic pregnancy, and gone through rounds of IVF.

Mom says to aunt "How's Alicia?"

Aunt says "Not pregnant."

Me and my bitterself, with drink in hand, interjects "Clearly neither am I."

Mom says, laughing, "Well what is wrong with you too?"

I still can't believe she said it. And she acted like she could not understand why I found the comment inappropriate and hurtful. When I said something, she said she was kidding and that she understood what I was going through.

But she also said her IF was undiagnosed, which I knew, and she got pregnant with one round of Clomid, so I think her view may be skewed.

After this, she proceeds to ask if The Hubby has been tested yet--like why has he not been and it must be him. Asked if he is wearing boxers.

The conversation moved on but I still can't believe she said it.

My aunt who also tried unsuccessfully for many years just looked at me and said "I know what you are going through and it sucks."

Yes, yes it does.

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Wonder if We Ate Enough Black-Eyed Peas

I'm fairly certain the black-eyed peas on New Year's Day is a Southern thing, so for my Yankee friends, eating black-eyed peas on New Year's Day is supposed to ensure luck in the coming year.

The Hubby and I have almost missed this tradition many times. One year, we weren't even thinking of it as being New Year's Day, just a Sunday, so we ended up running through Albertson's at 11:00 pm after seeing a movie and buying the cheapest can they had because it was all that was left.

Decided to take that chance this year and I bought them when I stopped at Aldi yesterday for wine. And The Hubby insisted we eat them when we got home this morning around 1:30. He insisted each eat an entire spoonful. Now, I don't particularly care for black-eyed peas in the first place, so 1:30am cold out of the can was less than appealing.

But, we ate them.

I won't lie. I only one thing on my mind in terms of luck for 2011.

Happy New Year to all my friends. I wish nothing but luck and happiness for this coming year for all of you!

Conflicted

I hate when my head knows what to do, but my stupid emotions try to take over.

The Hubby and I made the decision today to join a gym. We've had weight loss equipment--a very nice elliptical, a Bowflex, and a stationary bike--for years. And we've used them. And I have a whole library of workout DVDs. But, none of that was motivating enough for us, so we are selling the equipment and joining a gym.

I am actually very excited at what all that will mean. I've wanted to join a gym for quite some time, but reasoned that since we spent the money on such expensive equipment, that was just dumb and that I could do everything I needed/wanted to do at home.

But, both The Hubby and I have lost some motivation, put on weight, and just really are ready for new things.

See, four years ago, I embarked on a weight loss journey and was quite successful. It started off very vain--I didn't want to be the "fat" bridesmaid in a good friend's wedding. So in January 2007, I went on a diet and started working out with The Biggest Loser workout DVD (and later, the second BL DVD and the stationary bike with some Bowflex mixed in) and by May, I'd lost almost 20 pounds. After that, I sort of stalled out. I kept eating healthier and tried different workouts, though not always as diligently. By the end of that year, I'd manage to maintain my weight loss, even through the holidays.

That maintenance motivated me and the next January, I decided to step it up a bit. I was still only using workout DVDs, the Bowflex some, and the stationary bike. But, I also really learned about healthy eating and made great efforts to stick to a healthy lifestyle. So, even when I wasn't losing weight, I was feeling good and looking good. By May of 2008, The Hubby decided he really wanted a good elliptical machine at home. He was also overweight, but had been working out at his office gym on weights and an elliptical. So, we bought one. And I loved it. There was so much more I could do. I would do 30 minutes on the elliptical followed by 20 to 40 minutes cardio DVD one day and the next do the Bowflex followed by 20 to 40 minutes strenght DVD. Then I added an ab workout and a high intensity cardio workout on the elliptical. We were doing a fitness challenge at work and I was kicking butt. In addition to all that, I was walking up to a mile and a quarter every day with friends at work.

By Fall, I was down a total of just over 30 pounds and I was looking and feeling so good. I had to buy all new clothes, which was completely awesome. The Hubby and I got married in October of that year and I did Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD the 30 days prior. I actually had to slow down a little for fear of losing too many inches that my new clothes were starting to get a little loose. I also decided to try my hand (and my feet and my knees and my back) at running. I even ran a 5k in December.

Then came January 2009.A series of events that are by no means good excuses caused me to completely lose my way on that journey. First, I had to have my wisdom teeth out at the beginning of January at the age of 31. A simple google search will tell you that the older you are, the harder the recovery from getting your wisdom teeth out. I was basically out of commission on the workout front for at least a month. I tried a few times, but the blood pounding caused horrible pain. I had a hard time getting back into a routine I liked after that. Not an excuse, but there it is. I did make a valiant effort for about a month and was feeling pretty good--I even worked out in my room and in the hotel gym on a business trip in early May.

In May, my dad had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery. He is divorced, so my brothers and I took turns seeing him in the hospital, caring for him, and taking him to his physical therapy. He lives and was in the hospital over an hour away from my house.--one way But, a couple of times  a week, I made that drive. It was exhausting and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home or the days I didn't go was workout. Again, not a valid excuse, but there it is.

And then, we started TTC and I hit the busiest busy season I've had in my nearly 10 years with my company. I was working 50 to 55 hour weeks, my hormones were going crazy, and my motivation was just not quite there anymore. The Hubby also started a new schedule at work, which completely threw off my normal workout routines. We did both start working out in the mornings, but I wasn't alway consistent with the crazy hours I was working.

By Fall, I had gained back about 5 of the pounds I lost. Not so bad. Until the post-BC hormones hit. I very rapidly gained 10 to 15 pounds in a month's time. By no means do I blame just the hormones. I know my responsibility, but it didn't help by any stretch.

And this past year has just not been any better. I've gained back every pound. And that is my own fault. I've been so bogged down with TTC that it has just outweighed my need to exercise.

And that's where the conflict comes in.

In my head, I know it is better to get routines set now and get in shape now. It might help me get pregnant, it would certainly help during pregnancy, and would definitely help me post-partum.

But, my emotions and my fears put me someplace else. And now, especially, after so long trying, I'm so afraid.

I want to lose the weight. I want to look and feel like I did. I want to be healthy--I loved that. But I worry about what my workouts do to my body. I'm afraid if I workout too hard, I could mess up my cycles. Or if I workout too much in the 2ww, am I causing a problem with implantation or could I cause an early miscarriage.

In my head, I know these are ridiculous thoughts. I know that I have no history of any of these things and that I've been active before, so if I start out slow again and build back up, I'll probably be just fine.

But at this stage of the game--15 months in--I'm afraid to do something to prolong conception even if it the outcome--health and weight loss--are positive.

I'm hoping that by joining the gym and starting fresh, I can assuage these fears. Sometimes I think that by working out at home, I was feeling like I should workout the way I was before. So, maybe by having other options, I can allow myself this fresh start to build some new routines.

And if I do happen to be pregnant this cycle, I can still use the gym for light workouts. I'm really excited because they have a pool, which I know from friends is great in late pregnancy for some activity that doesn't hurt.

So, I'm cautiously excited to start this journey. To my readers (because I know you are out there, and I love you for it), I will probably blog about it some--and not just as it pertains to TTC. And if you actually made it all the way through this post, bless you. I know it was long and you are probably thinking unnecessary, but I felt the need to put my journey out there--for me.