When I started this journey toward becoming a mom, I had no idea where it would take me and how I would handle it all. In the beginning, I thought we'd have some fun, take advantage of my found libido that had been lost to hormonal birth control, and probably get pregnant pretty soon. By six months, I realized that was not working and that I was letting myself be consumed with trying to get pregnant.
At six months, I joined the wonderful TTGP commuinty on The Bump, started charting, and made some wonderful friendships and found a wonderful outlet. I felt empowered having some knowledge of my body and getting to help others along this journey.
When the year mark hit, I again found myself wallowing. Despite my fears of infertility, I really and truly never thought it would take a year more. And the fact that I was now faced with starting testing really did me in. I had to take a step back from my online community because TTC seemed to be consuming me.
It was better when I decided to hold off testing a few months and then took a break from everything but having sex for a month.
Testing was another new chapter that brought more angst. And more heartache. While it was great to find out that we checked out on all the basics, I felt like we were back at square one and I didn't know what to do.
Last cycle's inadvertant break allowed me to find some new clarity on this process and on my life.
I've known for a long time that this whole process is a hurry up and wait, a vicious cycle of two weeks at a time, a string of emotional up and downs. CD1 - angry, sad, depressed. This lasts a few days. Gearing up to O - anticipation, planning seduction strategies, worrying about getting The Hubby's coopearation and wondering if we're hitting the right days. Post-O - Worrying that we didn't hit the right days or if we had enough sex. End of 2ww - are these symptoms? I think I could be! I'm absolutely not, no way in hell! Emotions and hormones on the rise. And then it starts all over.
But last cycle, I didn't really have any of that. I didn't worry about timing; once I was past O, I didn't really give anything a second thought; my period came with no adverse reaction.
I've been happy. I've been relaxed. The Hubby and I have not been arguing because I haven't been on edge.
Beyond that, though, I've realized that I've let all this time go by while I've been going through all of the above. I've not paid attention to myself, I've stopped doing things I love. I started realizing that there was something missing from my life. Something little "keep me occupied and my mind off the situation" projects weren't going to fix. Taking up sewing or cooking my way through a cookbook were not my answers. Working on keeping my house clean and organized was not doing it. Working out and losing weight was not enough.
It just so happened that all of these feelings were coinciding with other opportunities for outlets.
I have been a customer of Mary Kay cosmetics for a few years and discovered the fabulous Stella & Dot jewelry line the past year. My super fabulous Mary Kay consultant has been to bring me aboard forever and just recently, one of my best friends did sign on. Another good friend had signed on with Stella & Dot in January and it was something I had been considering. I'd been putting off both ventures, though, for fear that we didn't have the money to invest, I wouldn't be good at it, and that I would get pregnant and not have the time, energy, or inclination.
Fear is a crap thing. And I'm tired of letting fear run my life.
What has fear gotten me?
I was afraid for so long to bring up when to have kids with The Hubby. We waited and that may have hurt us. I was afraid it would take me a long time to get pregnant and/or that I would deal with issues. Where did that get me? It got me over a year and half of worry and stress as I tried in vain and the outcome wasn't any better. I was scared to get tested. And, what do you know, all the tests came out clear.
Combined with my new found goal to overcome my fears and some concerns about our flow of income, I decided it was time to do something for me.
After much debate over my two favorite product lines and some great people, I decided to sign on as a Stylist with Stella & Dot. If you do not know about Stella & Dot, visit my site at http://stelladot.com/sites/ashleybearden to find out about this fabulous product and company.
Never in a million years did I imagine that this journey to start a family would bring me to a completely new adventure. But it really did. I really feel like I would not be brining this new job into my life were it not for this journey.
This journey to become a mom has become so much more. It's been - and, no doubt, will continue to be - a journey of self discovery. I have learned so much about myself and have found myself doing things I never thought I would. I've made friends through an online community; I've poured my heart and soul into a blog; I've talked about things with The Hubby that I never thought I would; I've slowly become an advocate, a voice for infertility.
And now I start something new. Something just for me. Something that will matter to me baby or no baby.
Today is my day.
At six months, I joined the wonderful TTGP commuinty on The Bump, started charting, and made some wonderful friendships and found a wonderful outlet. I felt empowered having some knowledge of my body and getting to help others along this journey.
When the year mark hit, I again found myself wallowing. Despite my fears of infertility, I really and truly never thought it would take a year more. And the fact that I was now faced with starting testing really did me in. I had to take a step back from my online community because TTC seemed to be consuming me.
It was better when I decided to hold off testing a few months and then took a break from everything but having sex for a month.
Testing was another new chapter that brought more angst. And more heartache. While it was great to find out that we checked out on all the basics, I felt like we were back at square one and I didn't know what to do.
Last cycle's inadvertant break allowed me to find some new clarity on this process and on my life.
I've known for a long time that this whole process is a hurry up and wait, a vicious cycle of two weeks at a time, a string of emotional up and downs. CD1 - angry, sad, depressed. This lasts a few days. Gearing up to O - anticipation, planning seduction strategies, worrying about getting The Hubby's coopearation and wondering if we're hitting the right days. Post-O - Worrying that we didn't hit the right days or if we had enough sex. End of 2ww - are these symptoms? I think I could be! I'm absolutely not, no way in hell! Emotions and hormones on the rise. And then it starts all over.
But last cycle, I didn't really have any of that. I didn't worry about timing; once I was past O, I didn't really give anything a second thought; my period came with no adverse reaction.
I've been happy. I've been relaxed. The Hubby and I have not been arguing because I haven't been on edge.
Beyond that, though, I've realized that I've let all this time go by while I've been going through all of the above. I've not paid attention to myself, I've stopped doing things I love. I started realizing that there was something missing from my life. Something little "keep me occupied and my mind off the situation" projects weren't going to fix. Taking up sewing or cooking my way through a cookbook were not my answers. Working on keeping my house clean and organized was not doing it. Working out and losing weight was not enough.
It just so happened that all of these feelings were coinciding with other opportunities for outlets.
I have been a customer of Mary Kay cosmetics for a few years and discovered the fabulous Stella & Dot jewelry line the past year. My super fabulous Mary Kay consultant has been to bring me aboard forever and just recently, one of my best friends did sign on. Another good friend had signed on with Stella & Dot in January and it was something I had been considering. I'd been putting off both ventures, though, for fear that we didn't have the money to invest, I wouldn't be good at it, and that I would get pregnant and not have the time, energy, or inclination.
Fear is a crap thing. And I'm tired of letting fear run my life.
What has fear gotten me?
I was afraid for so long to bring up when to have kids with The Hubby. We waited and that may have hurt us. I was afraid it would take me a long time to get pregnant and/or that I would deal with issues. Where did that get me? It got me over a year and half of worry and stress as I tried in vain and the outcome wasn't any better. I was scared to get tested. And, what do you know, all the tests came out clear.
Combined with my new found goal to overcome my fears and some concerns about our flow of income, I decided it was time to do something for me.
After much debate over my two favorite product lines and some great people, I decided to sign on as a Stylist with Stella & Dot. If you do not know about Stella & Dot, visit my site at http://stelladot.com/sites/ashleybearden to find out about this fabulous product and company.
Never in a million years did I imagine that this journey to start a family would bring me to a completely new adventure. But it really did. I really feel like I would not be brining this new job into my life were it not for this journey.
This journey to become a mom has become so much more. It's been - and, no doubt, will continue to be - a journey of self discovery. I have learned so much about myself and have found myself doing things I never thought I would. I've made friends through an online community; I've poured my heart and soul into a blog; I've talked about things with The Hubby that I never thought I would; I've slowly become an advocate, a voice for infertility.
And now I start something new. Something just for me. Something that will matter to me baby or no baby.
Today is my day.
1 comment:
Good luck! I have been debating a venture like that myself. I hope you enjoy it!
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