This Ain't No River in Egypt

de·ni·al

/dɪˈnaɪəl/[dih-nahy-uhl]

–noun

1.

an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false: Despite his denials, we knew he had taken the purse. The politician issued a denial of his opponent's charges.

2.

refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.

3.

disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.

4.

the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.

5.

refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal: the traitor's denial of his country; Peter's denial of Christ.

6.

Law . refusal to acknowledge the validity of a claim, suit, or the like; a plea that denies allegations of fact in an adversary's plea: Although she sued for libel, he entered a general denial.

7.

sacrifice of one's own wants or needs; self-denial.

8.

Psychology . an unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable.

 

Yeah, I think Number 8 there about sums it up.

 

I've been sitting on another post for nearly a week now. It's about my future and where I feel our TTC path is going. But this sort of ties in.

 

I think I've said before that I feel like parts of me are in denial about what's happening. Like, it doesn't feel like it's been this long. Or it doesn't seem like it could really be real that we are having trouble TTC. And it's really amusing that I feel that way.

 

One of the reasons we decided to go ahead and start when we did was this deep-seeded feeling I had that I would have trouble. I suppose I was a bit predisposed to that given that I was so very well aware of my mother's troubles when trying to conceive my brother. And I think I also felt like it was something I wanted too much. That I couldn't possibly be lucky enough to get something I wanted so much easily. That's just not me.

 

But, in the back of mind, I think I thought the opposite would be true. I think I thought that just because I thought it wouldn't happen right away and because maybe, just maybe, we weren't 100% "there," that Murphy's Law had to come into effect.

 

Of course, this is me. My life doesn't work that way.

 

Denial.

 

So, I went through my year of quietly trying. I charted, so I knew I was ovulating. I hit a year ready to go. Let's see what the hell is going on. And I did that first test--the god-awful HSG. And that was clear. And I listened to my doctor and her nurse and people on the internet who said that sometimes that test can "clear out the cobwebs" and maybe I'd be pregnant. In the back of mind, I knew that wouldn't happen, but I didn't press for more.

 

Denial.

 

And here I am nearly 4 months after that test. Not pregnant. Not really pushing for the tests. Using excuses like time or I don't even know what.

 

I just can't seem to wrap my brain around it. I don't want it to be real.

 

And I'm afraid.

 

I'm afraid there is something really wrong with me. I'm afraid something is wrong with The Hubby, which would devestate him. I'm afraid too much information and too many choices. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. I'm afraid of not doing enough. I'm afraid of the money.

 

So, basically I suck at this. And I feel like a hypocrit for giving advice. And I feel like a pansy for not taking charge and making things happen.

 

I want to bury my head in the sand and keep plugging along as is even knowing that clearly will not get me pregnant.

 

Yep, just put me on that boat and send me down the river. I've never been to Egypt.