Some Realizations

I've had a lot on my mind lately and I haven't quite been able to pinpoint what I feel or why or what it means.

Then a conversation happened today that really just drove home all of my feelings.

"Are you sure you really want to have kids? Maybe this is God's way of telling you you aren't ready or that you shouldn't have kids. There's been all kinds of things I've wanted that I haven't gotten."

All of these things were said to my face. (Admittedly--because one of readers was in the room when these things were said--this was not verbatum what was said, but close.)

I've had a few back slap things said to me during this TTC journey. From a friend who told me I wanted it too much and that's why it wasn't happening to my MIL saying that all her children were "fertile Myrtle's" except The Hubby to my mother jokingly asking "what's wrong with you?"

But these today were the worst. Maybe because they hit home.

I've been struggling lately with how I feel going forward. As in, I don't know where I want to go.

Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I meant to be a mother? What is, exactly, God's plan and am I fighting it?

I'm not usually one to question. I have faith in God's plans and that He will lead me where I am meant to go, but lately I've wondered if I'm being selfish and not paying attention to signs that might be telling things I don't want to hear.

Am I meant to have just been the big sister who helped raise two incredible boys, now young men? Am I just meant to be the overly involved aunt? Am I just meant to be mom to the four-legged children? Are these things meant to be my maternal outlets?

Don't get me wrong, none of those things are "just" anything. I am incredibly proud to say I had any hand in the types of young men my baby brothers have become. And the most amazing moment of my life so far was watching my nephew come into this world and take his first breath. And my life would not be complete without my furbabies. All of those roles are fulfilling and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

But, is that it?

Lately, I feel as though I've been preparing myself for the very real prospect of not having children. Even The Hubby said, you know, it might not ever happen.

And, I don't know how I feel about that. I would never truly accept it. I know I would always feel like a part of me missing. That's a void that can't be filled.

But could I move on from it?

That's where I'm trying to get to.

And this is all still so cart before horse. If I wanted, I could be very far from making the conclusion that I'm not having children. But I feel like now is the time to really explore.

Moving into testing means moving into treatment, be it medications or IUI or IVF. And I don't know how I feel about that.

I believe very strongly in most (I will not say all because I'm sure there are some out there I don't know about or don't know enough about) forms of assisted conception. I believe they work and are healthy when everyone knows what they are doing and what they are in for. I believe they are not for everybody and that it is a personal decision.

What I don't know, now that I'm faced with the potential need for these things, is if they are right for me or what I want. I don't know if I can go to those "lengths" to get pregnant, especially when none of them are foolproof. I just don't know if I--or The Hubby--can handle it.

So, you see, the words that were said to me today were actually pretty horrible to hear and are probably some of the worst things a person struggling to conceive could ever hear.

But, you see, they were really just vocalized words of thoughts I've been having in my head.

Right now,  I don't know where I am going to go from here. I do not hold out hope for the current cycle, but that's just my mind, and my heart, saying you've been here before with the same results, why expect different? I'm seriously considering a break next cycle. Not TTA, but not charting, not even OPKs. Then, seeing how I feel after that.

I feel defeated. I feel removed. I feel done.