Bundle of Nerves

This is a weird week. 13DPO today and I have no clue what's going on. I've almost considered breaking the thermometer back out so I can see what my temps are doing and not get too excited for no reason. And I have actually considered buying and even using an HPT.

I will do neither. I plan to stick to my resolve and wait it out. Friday will be the earliest day I would test. Technically, I could test on Thursday as that would be 15DPO, but given that my longest LP is 14 days, I could still start on Thursday, so I will wait until Friday--16DPO.

I'm a bundle of nerves.

I'm terrrified I'm not pregnant.

Of course, I never expect it anymore. I expect the disappointment. But, on top of not temping so I have no idea what my temps are doing, I don't have that usual feeling of being "out." No real cramps to speak of. No crazy hormonal binges (now, I'm always hormonal and emotional, but no real mood swings right now). My boobs hurt some. But, I just don't feel "out."

But, I've had that feeling before. How can I forget two cycles ago when I wrote a blog post about not feeling anything, so I had my hopes up a bit and then an hour later, it was over? Or on Cycle 12 when I went my longest LP to date and my temps even stayed up some, so I even tested?

I'm really happy about our timing this cycle. It's not any better than other cycles, but at least it was good. I'm really happy with where The Hubby and I are in terms of having a baby. It just feels like this should be it.

So, does that mean it won't be?

I've even checked out an EDD--September 16, I believe. Of course, that would make for a very busy birthday week as we have a niece with a birthday on the 15th, a nephew with a birthday on the 23rd, and my mom's birthday on the 21st. And that would put me gone from work during our very busiest time.

Granted, none of that matters in the slightest because I would pregnant and there would be a baby.

Remember how I said I lost my optimism? So, yeah, it's back. I don't know what it is about this cycle, but I am the most optimistic I've been in a year.

And that terrifies me.