Just Not Feeling It

We've never taken a break cycle. Not once in over two years.

There have been cycles where things happened - timing wasn't going to work, illness - but even then, we had at least a shot. And we did put forth an effort for that one shot.

But, I'm not sure I have the effort in me this cycle.

And I don't feel that bad about it.

I'm in this place right now where it's just not happening and I feel like each attempt is futile.

And I'm very focused on weight loss and working out right now. Not that the two are independent of each other, but I'm tired a lot of the time from the schedule I'm keeping and the energy for the effort just isn't there.

I'm charting again this month, but even that is not motivating - it might almost be the opposite of motivating.

We'll see what happens. We won't TTA, but I'm just too tired of planning it right now and need to not do that.

I need to continue on this path that I've set forth for my health goals.

I need to regroup.

I need to formulate a plan for our next steps, whatever they may be.

I need to just be.

Thank God for Exercise Endorphins

That's the only real explanation I've got right now.

I was pretty okay through the first bit of spotting. But, still I played head games with myself all day yesterday because the spotting went away. But, by the time I was getting ready for my warm bath last night and the cramps had amped up, I was prepared for what I saw. I took my bath and talked myself down from a breakdown.

Then, I went postal during a minor disagreement with The Hubby.

And lied to him about why.

Because I didn't want that to be the reason why, once again.

And the thing is, I'm really okay with it not being this month. I'm never going to be happy about it and I'm never going to not wish this had been it, but I'm in an okay enough place that I was really looking at the positives of one more month of not being pregnant.

But, I do get angry at myself for the hope I let in. I can't help it. It comes in even as I point out to myself all the reasons this cycle wasn't the one.

And then there are the physical reminders. The blood is one thing. I can handle it. But, these cramps? Those just throw me over the edge. It's like my body says, no, it's not bad enough that you don't get to be pregnant, let me also make you as uncomfortable as possible and doubled over in pain. Yeah, that would be fun.

But, back to those endorphins.

I blame them for my still positive outlook. I am offiicially back in the zone. I don't hit the alarm every morning and hope The Hubby might not want to go to the gym. We just go. Even on Saturdays, we just go, no questioning whether we could skip just one day.

And I'm LOVING my workouts. I've got a great routine that I'm really enjoying. I'm challenging myself with little goals every day, including adding more time two to three days a week. I feel SO good when I'm done working out and for hours after.

So, for that, I'm so grateful. And I'm even happy to have a little more time to lose some more weight. Who would have ever thought I'd say that?

I would give it all up in a heartbeat if I had to (not that I would because now that I've built up my routine, I will be able to continue without much modification if I do get pregnant), but it's not the worst thing in the world that I get to keep up what I'm doing.

See this positivity I have?

Think I'll just ride that out for awhile.

(Until 5 minutes from now when I have a minor breakdown at my desk because hormones suck.)

Just Getting It Out There

I need these thoughts out of my head.

Body, can you please quit screwing with my mind.

Mind, can you please stop reading into things.

For the love of God, I want to be a sane person again.

CD28. That's all I've got. No charting for me, so best I can go off of is CM. I O'd anywhere from CD13 to CD16; I'm guessing CD15. That would put me at 13DPO.

But, I can't go by that.

All I can really go by is that my longest cycle - with a "later" O - was 31 days. So, I'm still three/four days out from thinking anything.

Of course, two "short" cycles in a row have messed with  my mind a little. CD28 is "late" after 25- and 26-day cycles.

But, that means nothing.

No cramping. Semi-sort boobs, but really just the nipples and that could easily be from any friction with my more intense workouts.

What appeared to be a little blood with an internal check last night. Nothing more.

Am I craving carbs? Who can tell? I've been on a diet/eating healthier since the first of the year, so craving something like mac 'n' cheese would not be so crazy. But, I certainly haven't been in a HAVE TO HAVE IT mood, but that could also be because I am really committed to losing weight.

Am I PMS'ing? Who the hell knows? I'm so hormonal ALL the time that I can't really tell the difference anymore. Usually, I do have some sort of unreasonable meltdown. I may have had that last week, but it also  may have been perfectly justifiable.

Bottom line is I have no freaking idea what the hell is going and it's not really driving me crazy. I'm not thinking about it ALL the time or obssessing.

But, it does drive me a little bit crazy because I'm just so tired of this game.

So, now that it is out there in the universe, I have no doubt that I will start within the next 24 hours.

That's how this little game works.

I'm Not Gonna Lie

The BFP I just read stung.

And I realize this is two posts in a row about someone else's BFP and my not so happy reaction to them.

It's called hormones.

A lovely lady I've known on The Bump message boards for nearly two years now just announced her second pregnancy.

Second.

She and I were on the same cycle when she conceived her first. I was ecstatic for her. And I am this time too, as I've continued to follow her blog and think she is just a fabulous mommy.

But, gosh, she and I started trying for our first at the same time and she's now having her second.

And I have none.

I hate bitterness.

I hate that it's who I am.

Mchup - If you are reading this, please know I am absolutely thrilled for you and your family. I can't wait to read about this adventure.

It's Finally Happened

I finally feel like the last non-pregnant female on the planet.

And I feel like such a hypocrit for the feelings I'm having.

I have long been a pusher of not letting other pregnancies get you down. Like any other IFer, of course hearing about other pregnancies makes me a little sad and wistful and, on a bad day, pissed. Those feelings are never directed at the mommy-to-be or her pregnancy or baby. Those feelings are always about me and my situation.

The lastest Facebook announcement finally go to me, though.

And I hate myself for the feelings I have.

I wished I'd never "friended" this person to begin with. We were friends in middle school and freshman year of high school, then we had a falling out. I have no idea what caused other than the fact that I found her to be completely annoying and didn't agree with some of her choices in life. She decided she was going to stop talking to me and I had better friends. We barely spoke more than a few words to each other over the next three years despite mutual friends and being apart of the same close-knit choir. We were "okay" by the time we graduated (no hard feelings), but we were never friends again. We have quite a few mutual friends on Facebook, so last year, I decided that 15 years later, it was okay to at least be Facebook friends again.

Oh, how I wish I hadn't opened that door.

This girl is a fun combination of attention whore and hypochondriac. Every post is so long that it has at least one comment because she ran out of room to say what she wanted to say in the post, so she had to comment to get the rest out. And the posts are usually long descriptions of her latest medical woe (pain, illness, etc.) and/or her latest trip to the doctor or ER (where they are convinced she just keeps coming in for Vicodin  -  I'm a little inclined to agree) or how she can't get any relief.

And if it's not the medical woes, it's bitching about her family or the Navy or the other Navy wives or her husband or, most recently, how the Navy has unfairly released her husband from duty early (that one is a legitimate complaint and I actually do feel really bad for them in that situation).

A few months back, she started really complaining about endometriosis. Now, my mother had endo and my aunt suffered horribly (it was the reason she could never get pregnant; when she finally had her hyserectomy, her doctor said it was like concrete in there), so I had all the sympathy in the world for the gal's plight - except that I couldn't understand why she felt the need to detail her cycle (bleeding, cramps, PMS) on such a public forum.

The first I knew she was TTC was when she bitched about how someone shouldn't tell her that she shouldn't complain about not getting pregnant when she already had two kids. No idea who or what she was talking about, but I commented. I told her that she had every right to be sad if was not happening and that secondary IF is no picnic, but that she had no idea what it was like to be suffering through IF and have no kids. Should I have done that? No. But, I felt the need.

Later, when she was putting out all this information about her cycles, I tried to offer some sympathy and help. All that got me was bitched out by some other friend of hers and no response from her.

I should have "unfriended" right then and there. Instead, I just skipped over her posts.

Before bed last night, I checked Facebook on phone one last time.

And there it is - a 5wk6day sonogram picture.

No other pregnancy has made me want to literally hit something.

Given the pain she had to endure to get there, I'm happy for her.

But, this stung. Even though her pregnancy has nothing to do with my reproduction, it just plain makes me feel like more of a failure. She has Endo and PCOS and can get pregnant on her own in less than a year? And I am seemingly the picture of fertile health and can't after more than two years?

And I'm sure part of how I'm feeling is because it is her. I probably should just unfriend at this point. I mean, who posts a sonogram picture on Facebook at 5 weeks? That was the last post I saw before bed. The first post I saw when I got on this morning? Her wondering if it was crazy to go to the store at midnight for a craving.

I've never unfriended someone on Facebook. I've not even hidden someone who was pregnant (except for one girl the day she gave birth because I didn't feel like reading her play-by-play from the delivery room).

My mantra has always been pregnancy is part of life. Someone else's pregnancy is not meant to piss me off or rub my face in it.

But, I don't think I can handle this one.

Not when I truly feel like the odd man out for the first time.

Welcome 2012

I don't think I have ever been so glad to see last year go and a new year come in.

Without a doubt, 2011 was my least favorite year.

Absolutely, there were some great things: layoffs at work rescinded, the Mavs winning their first NBA championship, celebrating 10 years with The Hubby.

The year had its highlights.

But, overall, 2011 will not be remembered as a happy year.

I can only pray now that 2012 will make up for all the bad 2011 left in its wake.

I have to believe there will peace from all the pain brought from the loss of our friend John. His death will live with all of us for the rest of our lives, but I pray that the coming year will bring a start to healing and peace.

And my prayer for this coming year is strength and peace as we move forward in this world that is IF.

2011 brought nothing good. I spent most of the year swallowed in pain and anger and heartache and depression.

I only hope that some of the peace I startes to find will strengthen as I move into this new year.

I'm not a person to set goals or make resolutions. I feel too much pressure and sort of end up sabotaging myself.

So, I just try to look for fresh starts. Ways I can change my behavior, things I want to try.

My fresh starts for 2011 really revolve around focusing on the positive. And focusing on me - something I am really bad at.

On my birthday, I bought a little notebook/journal. The cover reads "Live in Hope." My hope is to try every night to find a quote for my day, pinpoint something that inspired me, note what I did for myself that day, list my accomplishments, and focus on what I am thankful for.

I am not going to set a goal of doing it every night, but I will attempt it.

I don't know where it will lead.

I don't know where this coming year will lead me.

But I am going into it with fresh eyes, a fresh outlook.

Happy New Year to all - may this year bring you happiness.

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