Thanksgiving night, I had a huge meltdown, causing a huge fight with The Hubby. The positive, though, was that in an effort to help him understand why his wife had turned into some miserable, irrational, hormal bitch, I actually talked to him.
We told him things I'd never really said. To anybody other than myself and the blogging world.
See, The Hubby is the type to not want to hear all the crap. He's not uncaring, he just sometimes doesn't take the time to really HEAR what is being said.
To him, when I was upset about "the baby thing," I was just being hormonal, or unreasonable, or it just wasn't SO important.
Since the meltdown happened a couple of days after my big "think" in the shower, all of the thoughts were fresh in my mind, so I asked him to let me get it all out. To stay with me through the crying and the irrational thoughts to really hear where I was coming from.
I told him about feeling the loss of my indentity and trying to work through that. That this wasn't just about having a baby for me, about doing what everybody else is doing (he has actually said before that he thinks I want to get pregnant because my friends have babies), or it just being some passage of life.
My hope was that he would realize that, for me, I might be losing my dream. That I might be losing the biggest thing I ever thought would define my life. I wanted him to realize that I wasn't saying these things to blame him or for him to figure out how to fix it.
I just needed him to hear me.
And he did.
That night, he said he heard me and understood. That he'd never looked at it from that point of view because, for him, a child would just be a bonus in life. He never even thought he really wanted kids until we were in a committed relationship and even then, he wasn't sure until just before we started trying.
I left for an overnight trip with my mom and aunts two days after Thanksgiving. Things had been fine in the interim (aside from me throwing up the entire contents of my Thanksgiving meal leading us to question if I could be pregnant only for my period to show up two days early the very next day), so I wasn't expecting any more to come of the conversation other than him understanding me better and me maybe not being so on edge.
When I came home, though, things were different. The Hubby had done a lot of thinking about what I said and the whole situation while I was gone. He told me that he believed with all his heart that I'm supposed to be a mom. And that we need to start looking ahead.
He wants me to be more diligent when trying on our own. He wants to look at what our next options are/should be, find out about insurance coverage and costs. We can't do a lot right now, moneywise, but we need to know what our options are.
I feel so horrible for keeping things bottled up and not opening up to him sooner. I feel like we've wasted so much time fighting and being upset with each other because I was too afraid to tell him my feelings and fears.
I don't know exactly where we are going to go from here because, money aside, there are still so many things about treatments that really scare me. A year ago, I thought I knew what I wanted to do when it came to that, but now I question myself.
But, for now, I'm just happy to be on the same page and to know that whatever we do, we now really do together.
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