So Hurt and Angry

(If anybody is reading and keeping score, this is the second post today, and there might be another. A lot going on in my head.)

After coming to terms with things in my own head and my Thanksgiving meltdown, I've really been in an okay place. We still decided not to worry about this cycle - no temping, OPKs, etc. That was probably good since I ended up with a nasty cold right after Thanksgiving, that lasted straight through ovulation.

I admit to being a bit tense because my next period should start a couple of days before Christmas. That sucks in and of itself - yes, I would love to be a hormonal, cramping, bleeding mess for Christmas; that will be awesome. But, let's just say all that happens at the same Christmas my cousin is coming up with her newborn. And given that said cousin is already the center of attention in the family, I can only see where this is going - let's just say my grandfather has suddenly found my email address again to send me pictures of the baby; he hasn't sent me so much as a joke in at least 5 years.

So, while tense and still hoping that we MAYBE caught my window despite me really being too sick for sex, I've been in an okay place emotionally.

Until my mom called today.

Nothing like a mom to throw you over the edge.

She didn't mean to, but the conversation really hurt and made me very angry.

My cousin and her husband traveled here (they live about 5 hours away) for the weekend for everybody to meet the baby. The Hubby and I had been invited, but I begged off since I am still on the tailend of this cold that comes complete with a nasty cough.

My parents went. And I'm not sure if my mom called today just to tell me about the baby or if she wanted more information.

I've never withheld information about TTC from my mom. I didn't tell her when we first started trying because I didn't feel like telling a lot of people (The Hubby didn't get that memo), but I told her within the first few months. And around the time we hit one year, she knew. And I told her right before we were to start testing. And I told her the outcome of the tests.

And I told her what our next steps were. That Clomid was only a small option because what Clomid is designed to do, I don't need, so the chance of it helping me alone are pretty slim. That our best option would be IUI. That money is a huge player in this, so I didn't know what we were going to do and when.

Nothing has changed.

I haven't told her more and she hasn't asked. Status quo.

But, apparently, last night, with my cousin (C, for the remainder of this post), MY mother decided it was appropriate to engage in a conversation with my cousin about MY fertilty and MY plans.

So, she decided to call me today, apparently, to convey opinions.

C told my mother that she's worried about me (this makes me wonder why she's worried about me; I have a sneaking suspicion that my mother tells the family sometimes that it's too hard for me to be around C and/or the baby) and wishes I would just go to a doctor who would give me Clomid, unmonitored, so I wouldn't have to worry about the money.

Are you fucking kidding me?

C has lots of friends who used Clomid and got pregnant. I could even take the rest of C's Clomid since she didn't take it all. She only took the lowest dose, so it wouldn't hurt.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!

And my mother engaged in this conversation, saying she didn't really know what we were planning right now, but that money was an issue. Because, you know, my mom took that one round of Clomid 22 years ago and she got pregnant after trying for 5 years. And since she, like me, had nothing diagnosibly wrong, it would probably work for me.

So, let's take the Clomid factor out of the equation for a minute.

The two of them actually had a conversation about me, my fertility, in some ways my sex life, and my money situation.

I went off on my mother.

I am beyond angry that the conversation even happened. And I am beyond hurt because all it has managed to do is bring up all of my insecurities about this whole dame process.

All their conversation did was make me once again question my choices. And make me feel like a complete failure that I'm not doing everything I should be doing if I want a baby so bad.

And it's making me feel completely left out, once again.

I told my mother that. And she got mad at me for getting upset with her. While in the end she felt bad, she still didn't get that the conversation was inappropriate and hurtful to her own daughter.

Maybe I am wrong for reacting so badly. I don't believe that either of them had bad intentions with the conversation, but it is a conversation that should have ever been had.

So, here I've spent the rest of my day near tears and feeling like shit about myself again. I did talk The Hubby after I talked to my mom. I needed a hug. So, I told him and he let me cry, and he hugged me, and he agreed that they should not have talked about things they don't know about, and he told me we are doing what WE need to and can be doing.

But, I'm still going to sit here and second guess myself. And wonder what I should/could be doing better. And think about how other people are talking about me and questioning my life.


Just when I was back up, I'm knocked down again.