And Things Were Going So Well

I had so much anxiety going into this evening.

I was scared about how I would react to my family with the baby. I was scared about how I would react to the baby. I was scared that someone would say something to me about IF or having a baby. I was scared about how I would respond.

But today was good. I had an awesome workout. I've spent the last few days in my kitchen - my favorite place to be - cooking and baking. PMS was gone, so I was less hormonal.

I was ready.

And it was good. Really good.

I held the baby for a long time and loved it. Sure, I got wistful and had to really concentrate on this particular baby. We talked about him and gushed over him - and meant every word.

I was so happy.

Until the question.

"So, did your doctor put you on fertility drugs?"

I had braced myself for the question but after the way the evening had gone, I was blindsided.

And pissed.

And I really didn't expect the it from my stepdad, in front of pretty much the whole family.

I tried to stop it, but it was clear he had no intention of letting up.

Enter my cousin, Miss Look At Me I Got Pregant Let Me Help You.

"I told your mom I have Clomid you can take."

Luckily, we were already on our way out the door because we would have left and it might not have been pretty.

"We tried for years and one of drugs."

Yep, I know. I was there.

"Or we should go skiing. Could have been that."

Why is this still a conversation?

I don't even know how I feel now.

I'm mad. I'm upset. I'm hurt.

And I'm sure I'm being depicted as the crazy, bitchy, ungrateful, overly sensative one.

I hate being pitied and felt sorry for.

If nothing else, I have never felt sorry for myself. I'm sad for me and sad for the situation.

But to think that they all look at me and think, "oh, poor Ashley, she wants a baby so bad."

And I don't like that it ruined my night, and made The Hubby mad, and made us argue.

I don't want to see them tomorrow. Hell, I don't want to see anybody tomorrow.

I want Christmas to be over.

I want this all to be over.

I'm just done.

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