Conflicted

I hate when my head knows what to do, but my stupid emotions try to take over.

The Hubby and I made the decision today to join a gym. We've had weight loss equipment--a very nice elliptical, a Bowflex, and a stationary bike--for years. And we've used them. And I have a whole library of workout DVDs. But, none of that was motivating enough for us, so we are selling the equipment and joining a gym.

I am actually very excited at what all that will mean. I've wanted to join a gym for quite some time, but reasoned that since we spent the money on such expensive equipment, that was just dumb and that I could do everything I needed/wanted to do at home.

But, both The Hubby and I have lost some motivation, put on weight, and just really are ready for new things.

See, four years ago, I embarked on a weight loss journey and was quite successful. It started off very vain--I didn't want to be the "fat" bridesmaid in a good friend's wedding. So in January 2007, I went on a diet and started working out with The Biggest Loser workout DVD (and later, the second BL DVD and the stationary bike with some Bowflex mixed in) and by May, I'd lost almost 20 pounds. After that, I sort of stalled out. I kept eating healthier and tried different workouts, though not always as diligently. By the end of that year, I'd manage to maintain my weight loss, even through the holidays.

That maintenance motivated me and the next January, I decided to step it up a bit. I was still only using workout DVDs, the Bowflex some, and the stationary bike. But, I also really learned about healthy eating and made great efforts to stick to a healthy lifestyle. So, even when I wasn't losing weight, I was feeling good and looking good. By May of 2008, The Hubby decided he really wanted a good elliptical machine at home. He was also overweight, but had been working out at his office gym on weights and an elliptical. So, we bought one. And I loved it. There was so much more I could do. I would do 30 minutes on the elliptical followed by 20 to 40 minutes cardio DVD one day and the next do the Bowflex followed by 20 to 40 minutes strenght DVD. Then I added an ab workout and a high intensity cardio workout on the elliptical. We were doing a fitness challenge at work and I was kicking butt. In addition to all that, I was walking up to a mile and a quarter every day with friends at work.

By Fall, I was down a total of just over 30 pounds and I was looking and feeling so good. I had to buy all new clothes, which was completely awesome. The Hubby and I got married in October of that year and I did Jillian Michaels' 30 Day Shred DVD the 30 days prior. I actually had to slow down a little for fear of losing too many inches that my new clothes were starting to get a little loose. I also decided to try my hand (and my feet and my knees and my back) at running. I even ran a 5k in December.

Then came January 2009.A series of events that are by no means good excuses caused me to completely lose my way on that journey. First, I had to have my wisdom teeth out at the beginning of January at the age of 31. A simple google search will tell you that the older you are, the harder the recovery from getting your wisdom teeth out. I was basically out of commission on the workout front for at least a month. I tried a few times, but the blood pounding caused horrible pain. I had a hard time getting back into a routine I liked after that. Not an excuse, but there it is. I did make a valiant effort for about a month and was feeling pretty good--I even worked out in my room and in the hotel gym on a business trip in early May.

In May, my dad had a heart attack and triple bypass surgery. He is divorced, so my brothers and I took turns seeing him in the hospital, caring for him, and taking him to his physical therapy. He lives and was in the hospital over an hour away from my house.--one way But, a couple of times  a week, I made that drive. It was exhausting and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home or the days I didn't go was workout. Again, not a valid excuse, but there it is.

And then, we started TTC and I hit the busiest busy season I've had in my nearly 10 years with my company. I was working 50 to 55 hour weeks, my hormones were going crazy, and my motivation was just not quite there anymore. The Hubby also started a new schedule at work, which completely threw off my normal workout routines. We did both start working out in the mornings, but I wasn't alway consistent with the crazy hours I was working.

By Fall, I had gained back about 5 of the pounds I lost. Not so bad. Until the post-BC hormones hit. I very rapidly gained 10 to 15 pounds in a month's time. By no means do I blame just the hormones. I know my responsibility, but it didn't help by any stretch.

And this past year has just not been any better. I've gained back every pound. And that is my own fault. I've been so bogged down with TTC that it has just outweighed my need to exercise.

And that's where the conflict comes in.

In my head, I know it is better to get routines set now and get in shape now. It might help me get pregnant, it would certainly help during pregnancy, and would definitely help me post-partum.

But, my emotions and my fears put me someplace else. And now, especially, after so long trying, I'm so afraid.

I want to lose the weight. I want to look and feel like I did. I want to be healthy--I loved that. But I worry about what my workouts do to my body. I'm afraid if I workout too hard, I could mess up my cycles. Or if I workout too much in the 2ww, am I causing a problem with implantation or could I cause an early miscarriage.

In my head, I know these are ridiculous thoughts. I know that I have no history of any of these things and that I've been active before, so if I start out slow again and build back up, I'll probably be just fine.

But at this stage of the game--15 months in--I'm afraid to do something to prolong conception even if it the outcome--health and weight loss--are positive.

I'm hoping that by joining the gym and starting fresh, I can assuage these fears. Sometimes I think that by working out at home, I was feeling like I should workout the way I was before. So, maybe by having other options, I can allow myself this fresh start to build some new routines.

And if I do happen to be pregnant this cycle, I can still use the gym for light workouts. I'm really excited because they have a pool, which I know from friends is great in late pregnancy for some activity that doesn't hurt.

So, I'm cautiously excited to start this journey. To my readers (because I know you are out there, and I love you for it), I will probably blog about it some--and not just as it pertains to TTC. And if you actually made it all the way through this post, bless you. I know it was long and you are probably thinking unnecessary, but I felt the need to put my journey out there--for me.

Where to Start?

I've had a few posts rolling around in my head the past few days, but holiday craziness kept me from posting. So, here it all is.

First up, bye bye thermometer. I decided to quit temping this cycle after confirming O on Christmas Day. The Hubby and I talked about it Christmas night and agreed it was for the best. We were planning on just hanging out in our PJs on the couch and watching movies that night and I didn't want to worry about making sure I actually got in bed at the right time to get my temp. And since I'm off work until the 3rd and we have New Years Eve in there, I just don't want to have to worry and obssess. As The Hubby said, it's in God's hands now, we've done everything we could do. Plus, he was starting to get a little obssessive about temps--asking me every day if it was up or down. So, just winging it from here on out.

Second, The Hubby being so ready is killing me. He talks to me about it all the time, he drops hints to everybody that I could be, and then there was yesterday. The day after Christmas, we did Christmas with his family. My SIL has 3 kids who we are very close to. We spend the afternoon with them and went to dinner with two of them. He is completely smitten with our youngest niece who is almost 8 months old. And he took our nephew to the bathroom to clean him up after eating and said it was exhausting but fun. He's so ready, in ways he doesn't even know. I just don't know if either of us can handle another disappointment.

And, last. Today is my birthday.

I am 33.

Let me start by saying 33 is NOT old at all. And I have never been one to feel much of anything about my age. 25? Eh, no big deal. 30? Didn't bother me in the slightest. But, 33 is a little harder than I'd like, but I think that is all because of TTC.

I was 31 when I started trying, putting me at 32 for a birth. Then, I got far enough into 32 that I was 33 for birth. Now, I'm at 33 and still trying. I see my dreams for more than slowly flying out the window. While in theory I would have no problem having babies until the age of 40--my mom did, at 39 and 40--I just don't know if that's what I want. And The Hubby already has concerns about his age (5 years older than me), so I just feel like we only have a couple more years to really have kids.

I'm not sad about it or depressed, but it is definitely adding another element into the mix for me.

I don't know how I feel about this cycle. I think our timing was as good as it could have possibly been. Two days before 0 and the day of. I got positive OPKs three days in a row, including the day of O, which never happens. And I was using digitals, so no questioning the smiley face. I'm hoping this week will be busy enough that I won't think about and next week back to work will be busy enough that I won't obssess over any phantom symptoms. We still have the plan in place for more testing if this cycle is a bust, so I have that to look forward to.

Last Christmas . . . (again, ya know, like the song?)

We attended our friends' annual Christmas party this past Saturday. At this same party last year, the Hubby inexplicably "announced" to some of our friends that we were trying. One of those friends is not known for his discretion, so by New Year's Eve, all of our friends at least wondered if they didn't know for sure.

So, here we were Saturday night, one year later, at this party where we and one other couple (who don't plan on having kids) were the only ones without kids. Last year, I was annoyed at the Hubby for having let the cat out of the bag, but mostly laughed it off because I knew that this year, at the very least, we'd be pregnant at that party, but most likely, we'd have an little one and possibly not even be at the party.

I started a tradition when we got married of buying a new ornament every years. My goal is for them to have some meaning for our lives that year. The first year, it was a "B" for our last name (I wanted a bride and groom, but could never find one I love; I have since found many I love; whatever). Last year, I was in an odd place with TTC, so hopeful and new and all I could think was that this year, I'd be buying a baby's first Christmas or something like that. Yeah, not so much.

Last Christmas, or a few days after, my mom told me that I had missed my cousin "announcing" to the family on Christmas Eve (we had to miss that party due to a freak snowstorm) that she and her husband were going to start trying in March. I knew my mom was telling me as a "I really want you to have one first" push. So, I went ahead and said to her "well, we have a few months on her, so there's a shot." And I really thought there was. Like, really, truly, it really didn't seem real that we wouldn't have a baby this Christmas. (My cousin is not pregnant yet either.)

Christmas is turning out to be harder than I thought. I knew it would be to a certain extent because Christmas is so child oriented. But, it wasn't until I started doing so many of my familiar things that memories of what I expected to be true for this year came flooding back. Now, I can hardly look at ornaments or hear a Christmas carol without fighting back the tears.

And I hate that. And I hate that I have the same thoughts this year--oh, NEXT year, I'll be buying baby's first ornament instead of one that reads "Believe." And NEXT year, I'll be thinking of my baby and crying to "Mary Did You Know" instead of blinking back tears to "All I Want for Christmas is You" or "Merry Christmas, Darling."

I find myself creeping into my forbidden place--the place where I start to question and ask why. I have a very big rule against that. I firmly believe that somehow, some way, God has a plan, even when thinks are dark or bleak or make no sense.

And if ever I should remember that it is at Christmas.

After all, Christmas is when the miracles happen.

Baby, It's Cold . . . (ya know, like the song?)

(A shout out to my friend, Tracie. This post will not make you cry. I can be funny--or so I think--sometimes!)

So, it's winter. Well, it's almost winter, but it's December and even in Texas, December can get pretty cold.

And cold interferes with "sexy plans."

In the summer, it's really easy to sneakily decide to wear something a bit skimpy to be in hopes of getting some babymaking sex out of the hubby. You know, 'cause it's hot and I don't want to be hot when I sleep. That's not so likely to happen in December, especially in my house.

So, last night, I'm getting ready for bed and making plans in my head. What could I put on to sleep in? Hmm . . .  maybe those new cute flannet boxers and sleeveless top. But, the top is a bit uncomfortable and then I started thinking the hubby might catch on if I was so scantily clad. Plus, it's cold in our room

See, the hubby is polar bear. The temps can be in the 30s and he still insists we keep one of the bedroom windows open at night (I do insist that below freezing = closed window), that is in addition to the standing and ceiling fans. Thank God for my MIL who bought us a heated mattress cover--with dual controls--for Christmas last year. And turn the heater on? Ha! I am usually issued "it's not THAT cold."

Basically, I spend winter in my house in sweats, flannels, layers, and under blankets.

So, what's a girl to do when she needs to "use" her hubby? Just had to use my powers of seduction--while wearing an oversize army green T-shirt, mauve stretchy pants, and purple fuzzy socks. Sexy, huh?

It'll be a wonder if we ever make baby!

Left Out, Left Behind

"They're leaving you behind."

Those were the words my mother said to me when I told her one of best friends was pregnant a little over a year ago. I had also told her that this friends two best friends were also pregnant and due a week before and a week after my friend. My mother did not know that we had also just started trying.

I, of course, rolled my eyes at my mother and brushed off her comments. I didn't think they would be leaving me behind because I would be pregnant soon, so I'd only be a few months behind them. Oh, the best laid plans.

Now, those words seem truly prophetic. I feel left behind.

Nobody makes me feel that way, at least not intentionally. But each passing day it gets harder and harder to be around moms--new, old, expectant. They are all getting to places or have been to places that I haven't and that just seem so out of reach.

I've been writing variations of this post in my head for a few days. Twice in the last week I have been in situations that have left me sad. And I hate that I have felt this way. It makes me feel like crap that I can't just be around my friends, with or without their babies, and not feel this way.

But I do. It is so hard to sit and listen to moms discuss their children, discuss being a mom, discuss being pregnant and I have nothing to contribute. And it's not like they expect me to or necessarily think anything about the fact that I can't/don't contibute. But, I hate it.

I hate hearing "now that I'm a mom" or "being a mommy this or that." I hate pregnancy stories or, well, any of it. And I hate that I hate it.

I feel so inadequate. I feel like I don't belong. But I also feel like I need to just get over it. I can't take myself out of the situations. For one thing, I want to hear my friends talk about these things because they are my friends and I love them and I want to hear about their lives and see their babies. And I want to talk about it with them in the hopes that they'll still want to talk about it with me when and if it is ever my turn.

And then I'm afraid they won't want to talk to me. I'm afraid that by that time it is my turn, they'll all be so far removed from where I am that all I will hear is the "oh, yeah, I remember that" with their shared nods and looks or that they'll just be so far removed and into different places that they won't want to hear me.

It's getting harder. Maybe it is just the time of year and that so much of the holidays is kid and family focused. But, I just really feel very sad these days and my dream feels further and further away each day. And I feel further and further removed all the time from the people I'm close to all because of this journey and the constant "failures."

Cycle 16 and I'm Okay

I'd be lying if I said deep down I didn't want to crawl into bed and cry and wallow in self pity.

But, that wasn't an option today.

It wasn't an option when my temp. showed to be nose-diving. It wasn't an option when I had to write my self assessment for work or get dressed and attend my work group Christmas party. It wasn't an option when I went to the bathroom and saw what I was dreading, but had to sit at my desk for 10 minutes to complete some work.

I have 101 projects that need to be completed right now. It's not practical to let my world stop for the day. Hell, I didn't even drink wine.

In my head, I'm going my plans constantly. For this cycle, EPO back into the daily regimen, use the pre-seed, start OPKs earlier, sex every couple of days to every other day up until ovulation is confirmed, and keep the hubby involved. If the cycle is a bust, on to more testing after the first of the year. And I've already calculated with I should ovulate--the week of Christmas, maybe even Christmas Day itself. Maybe we'll make our own little present.

This is keeping me going.

I almost faltered earlier. I had to tell the hubby.

I was dreading it.

I've pretty much "known" for a few days. Three days in a row of falling temps was enough of a reality check to overshadow the "odd" cramping and "odd" CM. But, the hubby still isn't 100% convinced about this whole temping thing. When I told him this morning that I had a huge temp drop (didn't go so far as to mention yesterday's spotting), he got frustrated and said it didn't have to mean anything. In order to avoid an argument, I let it drop.

So, when I got home this afternoon, I thought I'd better go ahead and tell him instead of waiting for him to ask. He was pretty upset. I actually had to reassure him and tell him it was going to be okay. A complete reversal of roles for us in this situation.

I'm still devestated. Just as devestated as every other time. I had let myself have grand visions of telling my mom for Christmas--I even thought it would be funny to take  a picture of positive pee sticks and put them in August (my phantom EDD) on the calendar I'm making her for Christmas. Yep, I let my head go there.

But, for now, I'm pretty proud of myself for forging ahead. I really didn't need to get bogged down and lose my momentum.

So, I'm forging ahead and looking at the bright side--like being able to drink at Christmas parties and gatherings and New Year Eve (I should be in the 2ww at that point, but I don't think I'll it deter me as would still be early enough)!

Optimism

op·ti·mism

/ˈɒptəˌmɪzəm/ [op-tuh-miz-uhm]

–noun

1.

a disposition or tendency to look on the more favorable side of events or conditions and to expect the most favorable outcome.

 

When did I lose my optimism? In the beginning, it was always there. I didn't think at 9DPO what I would differently the next cycle. I didn't start looking ahead to when I would ovulate the next cycle so I could start thinking about timing.

 

Now, I just assume I'm not pregnant.

 

Sure, there are days or hours or minutes where I have hope, but I always quickly push them away. And if the hubby says anything, I shoot him right down. And I feel bad about that. He accuses me of not being positive and putting out all the negativity to the whole thing.

 

He's probably right, but I just feel like I'd rather do that that so the disappointment isn't as high. But then I do worry that I'm almost willing it not to happen. Have I mentioned the roller coaster?

 

I will admit to feeling more optimistic this cycle than I have in a long time. I don't know if it's from the hubby being so "on board" right now--he's really taken a more active interest in this whole getting pregnant thing--or if it is the holiday season giving me hope. But, I'm okay with it.

 

I think even if I let myself get optimistic, I won't let myself get overly disappointed. I've been down that road too many times, so maybe I've finally found a way to balance the two.

 

Or maybe that's being too optimistic!

Out of the Hubby's Mouth: Glowing

TH: You're glowing. Me: The sun is shining directly on me. TH: Oh.

The hubby is such a goober.

We met of lunch this afternoon. My seat happened to be in the direct path of the high afternoon sun coming through a window--to the point where I spent half the meal leaning forward because the sun was getting in my eyes. As we sat waiting for our food, the above conversation took place.

Now, he quickly denied that it was the sun causing the "glow" and that he had noticed it for a couple of days. He also claims to be more attracted to me lately, which he attributes to something--not sure what exactly, but something (I attribute that to him having watched The Great Sperm race last weekend, which talks about a man being more attracted to a woman during certain times in her cycle, like ovulation).

He's really very cute. He's very excited right now believing we had really good timing.

Of course, it would be way too early for me to have a pregnancy glow--hell, implantation probably hasn't happened yet. But, it's hard to argue and burst his bubble.