So, I think I meant to do some check-in at some point, just see where I am with the cycle, how I'm feeling. I guess smack-dab in the middle is a good place to start.
Or, I guess I'm smack dab in the middle. I have no idea what the heck is going on with my body right now.
Stats:
CD1: 10/17, extremely heavy bleeding, clots, and heavy cramping
CD2: still very heavy bleeding, clots, cramping, starting to feel slightly lightheaded and dizzy
CD3: moderate bleeding slowed to light by end of day, still cramping
At this point, by far the worst period I've had since the first one off birth control. The past 5 or 6 have been really light, barely even a heavy day.
For reasons known only to my subconscience, I chose not to drink green tea or pomegranate juice this cycle even though I bought both. Also considered buying PreSeed since my EWCM supply has been low as of late, but I didn't do that either.
CD5: Unusually high temp that could have been caused by two glassed of wine the previous night; Fertility Friend not giving me an open circle, though, which is weird.
CD7: Watery CM starts, right on time, with some spotting still. Temp. up quite a bit from previous day, again possibly due to wine the previous evening (still no open circle on FF).
CD9: Oddly low temp., possibly due to not sleeping well and not feeling well, thought that usually causes my temp to be up. Marked sleep deprived, got open circle.
CD12: Good EWCM, first good sighting in months.
CD13: Positive OPKs both morning and evening. Odd to get a positive on morning of CD13. Still a small amount of EWCM, only found internally.
CD14: Temp. up higher than expected, once again possibly due to two glasses of wine (still no open circle). Slight positive OPK in the morning, but not convicing. Definite negative in the evening. Still a tad bit of EWCM, only found internally. Really expected to ovulate on this day, so finding temp odd.
CD15: Temp. back down, but not the drop I'd usually expect for O day. EWCM possible, looks creamy, but still has decent stretch.
So, I'm a bit confuzzled by my body right now. It's not odd for me to O on CD 15 through 18, but the fact that I've started getting negative OPKs and that my temps do not match any previous patterns has me wondering what the heck the deal is. Did I O and miss it due to the alcohol consumption? Have I not O'd yet and the OPKs were just off a little? Though, with a positive on Saturday morning (CD14), there is a possibility that it could be today.
Our timing has been pretty decent, I think. We were getting into the every other day groove, but missed Saturday due to a lot of circumstances.
I have a motto of try not to overanalyze, which I realize I"m sort of doing. But, I just find it interesting when things are different. And this cycle has not been like any other one I've had, so I just felt like putting it in writing so I could look back at it later.
Hopefully tomorrow will bring some clarity. I have one OPK left in the house. I didn't use it today after getting the negative yesterday evening, but I think I'll use it in the morning or maybe this evening just to see what happens.
As we say, only time will tell.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Other Sisterhood
I'm sort of borrowing some terminology from one of my mommy friends. She's a new mommy (cutie-pie Sam is 6 months old) and has been discovering the wonderfulness of the Mommy Sisterhood as she calls it. That instant connection with other mommies anywhere and everywhere.
Of course, that is something I would kill to share, but it's not my time yet.
But, I've joined another sisterhood. It's about as different but connected to the Mommy Sisterhood as can possibly be.
I'm a member of the TTC or TTGP Sister and, technically, since it has been over a year, the Infertility Sisterhood (though that is one title I'm still reluctant to hold). And I have to say this is a very speical sisterhood.
We are women from all walks of life, all ages, all backgrounds, all across the country and world.
Some of them are women I know in my own life--my mom, my aunt.
I hear of others--friend of a friend, news stories, celebs.
I feel an instant connection with any woman I even hear about having tried for any significant amount of time.
But there is a certain group of women who right now hold a huge space in my heart. Of all places, I have "met" these women on a message board. It seems absolutely crazy to think that a group of complete strangers have almost become some of my best friends when I haven't even met them, spoken to them, and, in many cases, I don't even know their real names
But, we share this experience. This experience that is unique to only the other women who have been through. It doesn't include every woman who has ever wanted to be pregnant or tried because many of these women get pregnant in a timely fashion and move on to the next stage.
No, the women I have met on my message board have been trying and or struggling for some time. We've watched women in our real lives get pregnant during the time we've been trying. We've seen women come and go from our own message board community.
And, though we're left behind, it's brought us together. I can honestly say that I love some of these women to pieces. They were such an incredible source of strength and love when I went through the horrible end of my 12th cycle--the last cycle before starting testing when I really thought it could be it. They have been so encouraging--even if one of them keeps telling me to get off the board (but, that's why I love my girl Saucy). We can talk about talk about things away from the board that we'd never say to the group as a whole.
Some days it's so hard to find any positives (pun absolutely intended) to this situation we find ourselves in, but then I see a "<3 you" or an email or post encouraging us to compliment each other and my day is instanly improved.
So, while this is a Sisterhood I never wanted to be a part of and I hope we all move on from where we are very soon, I am so unspeakably grateful for these beautiful, sweet, thoughtful, witty women who I am very proud to call my friends.
Because I know many of you are reading, I love you all for being you and pray for each of you every day. Thank you for being you!
Of course, that is something I would kill to share, but it's not my time yet.
But, I've joined another sisterhood. It's about as different but connected to the Mommy Sisterhood as can possibly be.
I'm a member of the TTC or TTGP Sister and, technically, since it has been over a year, the Infertility Sisterhood (though that is one title I'm still reluctant to hold). And I have to say this is a very speical sisterhood.
We are women from all walks of life, all ages, all backgrounds, all across the country and world.
Some of them are women I know in my own life--my mom, my aunt.
I hear of others--friend of a friend, news stories, celebs.
I feel an instant connection with any woman I even hear about having tried for any significant amount of time.
But there is a certain group of women who right now hold a huge space in my heart. Of all places, I have "met" these women on a message board. It seems absolutely crazy to think that a group of complete strangers have almost become some of my best friends when I haven't even met them, spoken to them, and, in many cases, I don't even know their real names
But, we share this experience. This experience that is unique to only the other women who have been through. It doesn't include every woman who has ever wanted to be pregnant or tried because many of these women get pregnant in a timely fashion and move on to the next stage.
No, the women I have met on my message board have been trying and or struggling for some time. We've watched women in our real lives get pregnant during the time we've been trying. We've seen women come and go from our own message board community.
And, though we're left behind, it's brought us together. I can honestly say that I love some of these women to pieces. They were such an incredible source of strength and love when I went through the horrible end of my 12th cycle--the last cycle before starting testing when I really thought it could be it. They have been so encouraging--even if one of them keeps telling me to get off the board (but, that's why I love my girl Saucy). We can talk about talk about things away from the board that we'd never say to the group as a whole.
Some days it's so hard to find any positives (pun absolutely intended) to this situation we find ourselves in, but then I see a "<3 you" or an email or post encouraging us to compliment each other and my day is instanly improved.
So, while this is a Sisterhood I never wanted to be a part of and I hope we all move on from where we are very soon, I am so unspeakably grateful for these beautiful, sweet, thoughtful, witty women who I am very proud to call my friends.
Because I know many of you are reading, I love you all for being you and pray for each of you every day. Thank you for being you!
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Frustrations
I'm frustrated right now and rather than put it out there on the TTGP message board where it might "start something," I'm just going to vent here.
Every now and again, someone on the board comes along asking about when to see a doctor for testing see if they have something wrong that is preventing them from becoming pregnant. Sometimes the concern is age--over 30 but still under 35. Other times, it is concern that they are not pregnant after a certain number of months, always less than a year.
Among the valuable bits of information that I have learned in my 14-month journey are that it can take a healthy couple with no known fertility issues up to one to become pregnant and that there is only a 20%--yep, that's right 20-freakin'-%!!!--chance of getting pregnant each cycle. How do you like those statistics? Makes you wonder how anybody ever gets pregnant, let alone all the unplanned pregnancies--seriously, every woman who ever discovers an unplanned pregnancy should immediately go out and buy a lottery ticket because that is some luck!
Because of the above stated statistics, the basic rule of thumb is for a couple to try for one year, however they choose (charting, OPKs, winging it) before consulting a doctor for testing because at this point the couple has reached infertility because they have not gotten pregnant within the "normal" time frame.
Another arm of this is that insurance companies, based on those medical facts, usually will not approve fertility testing before the year because prior to that, it is deemed medically unnecessary.
All of these things were in my mind as I struggled through that first year of trying. It sucked. Every month. I wondered. Every month. But, I kept telling myself not to invite trouble.
One of the lovely ladies on the board once coined the phrase "Impatience is not a fertility issue." (Or something to that effect.) Did I want to know if something as wrong with us (well, I still want to know, as thus far, we've found nothing)? Sure. But, did I want there to be a reason why we weren't pregnant yet? Hell no.
I still hope there is nothing wrong, which is why I'm still dragging my feet and not rushing through testing. And trust me, I'm just as impatient as the next person.
But, I feel like the earlier we try to do testing and concern ourselves with the science (beyond charting because that is science I am definitley behind) of making babies, the earlier we lose the magic of it.
I still want the magic. I still want to feel that excitement when I see two lines or the word "pregnant" without "not" in front of it. I worry now that when it does happen, my reaction might be "well, it's about damn time." I know it won't be, but I still think that.
Just like any other woman who has been trying for any length of time, I hate the hearing "oh, relax and it'll happen" often followed by "you're trying to hard" or "you want it too much."
But, there is actually a little something to be said for that. The first six months of trying should be fun. The disappoinment when your period comes or you see another negative test is real and devastating. But, during those first six months, you should also still be excited to be going through the process--talking with friend who are pregnant and waiting to be where they are in a few months, smiling at cute babies all around, and thinking about what "special occasion" will be coinciding with your possible positive test and/or your phantom due date. Don't take all the fun out of it so soon.
After 6 months, sure, start to wonder. But, keep your head on straight. I cannot tell you how many 10, 11, and 12 month pregnancies I've seen.
I've waited my year. I've lost some of my magic. But, I still have all my hope and hopefully both a baby and answers sometime soon.
Every now and again, someone on the board comes along asking about when to see a doctor for testing see if they have something wrong that is preventing them from becoming pregnant. Sometimes the concern is age--over 30 but still under 35. Other times, it is concern that they are not pregnant after a certain number of months, always less than a year.
Among the valuable bits of information that I have learned in my 14-month journey are that it can take a healthy couple with no known fertility issues up to one to become pregnant and that there is only a 20%--yep, that's right 20-freakin'-%!!!--chance of getting pregnant each cycle. How do you like those statistics? Makes you wonder how anybody ever gets pregnant, let alone all the unplanned pregnancies--seriously, every woman who ever discovers an unplanned pregnancy should immediately go out and buy a lottery ticket because that is some luck!
Because of the above stated statistics, the basic rule of thumb is for a couple to try for one year, however they choose (charting, OPKs, winging it) before consulting a doctor for testing because at this point the couple has reached infertility because they have not gotten pregnant within the "normal" time frame.
Another arm of this is that insurance companies, based on those medical facts, usually will not approve fertility testing before the year because prior to that, it is deemed medically unnecessary.
All of these things were in my mind as I struggled through that first year of trying. It sucked. Every month. I wondered. Every month. But, I kept telling myself not to invite trouble.
One of the lovely ladies on the board once coined the phrase "Impatience is not a fertility issue." (Or something to that effect.) Did I want to know if something as wrong with us (well, I still want to know, as thus far, we've found nothing)? Sure. But, did I want there to be a reason why we weren't pregnant yet? Hell no.
I still hope there is nothing wrong, which is why I'm still dragging my feet and not rushing through testing. And trust me, I'm just as impatient as the next person.
But, I feel like the earlier we try to do testing and concern ourselves with the science (beyond charting because that is science I am definitley behind) of making babies, the earlier we lose the magic of it.
I still want the magic. I still want to feel that excitement when I see two lines or the word "pregnant" without "not" in front of it. I worry now that when it does happen, my reaction might be "well, it's about damn time." I know it won't be, but I still think that.
Just like any other woman who has been trying for any length of time, I hate the hearing "oh, relax and it'll happen" often followed by "you're trying to hard" or "you want it too much."
But, there is actually a little something to be said for that. The first six months of trying should be fun. The disappoinment when your period comes or you see another negative test is real and devastating. But, during those first six months, you should also still be excited to be going through the process--talking with friend who are pregnant and waiting to be where they are in a few months, smiling at cute babies all around, and thinking about what "special occasion" will be coinciding with your possible positive test and/or your phantom due date. Don't take all the fun out of it so soon.
After 6 months, sure, start to wonder. But, keep your head on straight. I cannot tell you how many 10, 11, and 12 month pregnancies I've seen.
I've waited my year. I've lost some of my magic. But, I still have all my hope and hopefully both a baby and answers sometime soon.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
"I'll give you $50 if you stop crying"
Poor hubby.
Wife's emotions have gotten so crazy, he's resorted to offering money for it to stop.
Just having a sad day.
Found out earlier this week that a friend of a friend is pregnant with her second. Just looking at the two pregnant girls in the office about killed me today. Top that with the boss saying we should let the pregnant people go first in line for desserts. A little while later, a co-worker was looking on Facebook and found where former co-worker and his wife just had twins (really happy to see this; co-worker went through testicular cancer about 6/7 years ago, so these babies are real blessings). Right after that, I was standing at a friend's desk when she got an email--with picture attached--that a college friend had literally just given birth.
Oh, and then there was the hubby sending me pictures of himself playing with our nieces and nephew this afternoon. Then, after he left, going on about how great it was to hold the babies and how now he smelled like sour milk and it was great.
My heart just hurts today.
It aches.
I feel low and sad.
Hopeless.
Geez, am I a Debbie Downer, or what?
Wife's emotions have gotten so crazy, he's resorted to offering money for it to stop.
Just having a sad day.
Found out earlier this week that a friend of a friend is pregnant with her second. Just looking at the two pregnant girls in the office about killed me today. Top that with the boss saying we should let the pregnant people go first in line for desserts. A little while later, a co-worker was looking on Facebook and found where former co-worker and his wife just had twins (really happy to see this; co-worker went through testicular cancer about 6/7 years ago, so these babies are real blessings). Right after that, I was standing at a friend's desk when she got an email--with picture attached--that a college friend had literally just given birth.
Oh, and then there was the hubby sending me pictures of himself playing with our nieces and nephew this afternoon. Then, after he left, going on about how great it was to hold the babies and how now he smelled like sour milk and it was great.
My heart just hurts today.
It aches.
I feel low and sad.
Hopeless.
Geez, am I a Debbie Downer, or what?
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
The Club
So, in the past year plus that I've been trying, I've had a LOT of pregnant people and new mommies in my life. A lot. A lot a lot a lot.
I think I handle it all pretty well. I can listen to them talk pregnancy, even have my own things to say about it. I can hear birth stories. I can talk babies. I can hold and love on babies. I can see picture after picture. All with a smile--a genuine one.
I would be absolutely lying if I said I wasn't also wistful and jealous that they have this thing (by thing I mean motherhood) that I want so badly. But, beyond that, most days, these things do not phase me (I can't say I don't have my days, like when my PMS hormones are raging).
I also am not usually bothered by watching TV shows or movies on the subject. The hubby thinks it bothers me, but I still love Knocked Up and Juno and Nine Months.
I love to hear updates from my TTGP gals who have graduated and now sharing their experiences with the rest of us waiting to get pregnant.
But some day, in ways I would never expect, something hits me.
Today, I decided to watch this new talk show called "The Talk." It's sort of "The View" lite. From what I can tell, no hard hitting subject. Panel of 5 women. Since I'm working from home today, I decided to check it out. Plus, I heard Melissa Rycroft from "The Bachelor" and "Dancing with the Stars" was going to be on to reveal the sex of her baby.
Now, that right there should have been reason enough for me to not watch. But, like I said, these things don't bother me. Despite my sometimes bitter feelings, I still love this stuff and can't wait for it myself, so it excites me. What I wasn't expecting, though, was baby/pregnancy overload.
The 5 women each described finding out they were pregnant the first time--including a video of one of the women (actress Leah Remini, who apparently had been filming a reality show). They described what it felt like to find out they were pregnant--all the emotions from elation to terror. Then they described labor and delivery.
It was just a whole on-slaught.
And next thing I know, tears are running down my face. Not in anger or jealousy. It was just one more reminder of the things I can't share with so many other women. I can be prepared for pregnancy and birth and motherhood all day long. I can read and research. And I can hope and think and dream.
But I don't know what it FEELS like. I don't know what it's like to see that second pink line or the word "pregnant" instead of the two most awful words to ever read. I don't know what it is like to tell my husband that he's going to be a daddy. Or my mom she's going to be a grandma. I don't know what it is like to feel a baby move inside me or hear my baby's heartbeat.
And I don't know that love that ONLY a mother feels for her new baby.
So, now I'm just sad. And it's nobody's fault. Not even my own for not turning it off. Because, like I've said before, pregnancy is a part of life. It's everywhere and that's okay. I can't hide from it and I don't want to.
I just want to join the club!
I think I handle it all pretty well. I can listen to them talk pregnancy, even have my own things to say about it. I can hear birth stories. I can talk babies. I can hold and love on babies. I can see picture after picture. All with a smile--a genuine one.
I would be absolutely lying if I said I wasn't also wistful and jealous that they have this thing (by thing I mean motherhood) that I want so badly. But, beyond that, most days, these things do not phase me (I can't say I don't have my days, like when my PMS hormones are raging).
I also am not usually bothered by watching TV shows or movies on the subject. The hubby thinks it bothers me, but I still love Knocked Up and Juno and Nine Months.
I love to hear updates from my TTGP gals who have graduated and now sharing their experiences with the rest of us waiting to get pregnant.
But some day, in ways I would never expect, something hits me.
Today, I decided to watch this new talk show called "The Talk." It's sort of "The View" lite. From what I can tell, no hard hitting subject. Panel of 5 women. Since I'm working from home today, I decided to check it out. Plus, I heard Melissa Rycroft from "The Bachelor" and "Dancing with the Stars" was going to be on to reveal the sex of her baby.
Now, that right there should have been reason enough for me to not watch. But, like I said, these things don't bother me. Despite my sometimes bitter feelings, I still love this stuff and can't wait for it myself, so it excites me. What I wasn't expecting, though, was baby/pregnancy overload.
The 5 women each described finding out they were pregnant the first time--including a video of one of the women (actress Leah Remini, who apparently had been filming a reality show). They described what it felt like to find out they were pregnant--all the emotions from elation to terror. Then they described labor and delivery.
It was just a whole on-slaught.
And next thing I know, tears are running down my face. Not in anger or jealousy. It was just one more reminder of the things I can't share with so many other women. I can be prepared for pregnancy and birth and motherhood all day long. I can read and research. And I can hope and think and dream.
But I don't know what it FEELS like. I don't know what it's like to see that second pink line or the word "pregnant" instead of the two most awful words to ever read. I don't know what it is like to tell my husband that he's going to be a daddy. Or my mom she's going to be a grandma. I don't know what it is like to feel a baby move inside me or hear my baby's heartbeat.
And I don't know that love that ONLY a mother feels for her new baby.
So, now I'm just sad. And it's nobody's fault. Not even my own for not turning it off. Because, like I've said before, pregnancy is a part of life. It's everywhere and that's okay. I can't hide from it and I don't want to.
I just want to join the club!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
And Moving On.
And moving on we are. To Cycle 14. Again I had hope for Cycle 13. Hope that the HSG test might to do the trick (even though that was not a given in any way). Hope that the "threat" of more testing would make my body cooperate--hey, it works for computers.
But, I never really "felt" it this time, so while I was upset and disappointed, I was surprised.
What has surprised me is what I've been dealing with the last few days.
Fair warning for anyone actually reading. I'm about to get graphic and go the route of way TMI. But, since this blog is for me for both letting it out and for the sake of keeping records, I'm not going to tiptoe around it all. If you don't want to read, don't read.
I've had a very heavy period for the past few days. Heavy enough and different enough that I started to get concerned. Very heavy and lots of clotting. I know this is normal for some women. This is NOT normal for ME. It was actually making me a bit lightheaded and dizzy. I was also having more and different cramping than usual.
I asked around and could't get definitive answers, but I believe this was caused by the HSG test I had done earlier in the cycle. I'm thinking things got "knocked loose" in there maybe and caused the change. Thankfully, the flow has lightened up, but it was starting to freak me out a little bit.
So, here I am at Cycle 14. I was going to request bloodwork done this cycle, but I didn't get to call the doctor and for personal reasons, I've decided to wait out this cycle. But, I WILL be getting it done next cycle. I am, however, going to have the hubby do the SA. It is an easy, painless procedure for him and a quick way to get some answers on that end.
And so the ride begins again.
But, I never really "felt" it this time, so while I was upset and disappointed, I was surprised.
What has surprised me is what I've been dealing with the last few days.
Fair warning for anyone actually reading. I'm about to get graphic and go the route of way TMI. But, since this blog is for me for both letting it out and for the sake of keeping records, I'm not going to tiptoe around it all. If you don't want to read, don't read.
I've had a very heavy period for the past few days. Heavy enough and different enough that I started to get concerned. Very heavy and lots of clotting. I know this is normal for some women. This is NOT normal for ME. It was actually making me a bit lightheaded and dizzy. I was also having more and different cramping than usual.
I asked around and could't get definitive answers, but I believe this was caused by the HSG test I had done earlier in the cycle. I'm thinking things got "knocked loose" in there maybe and caused the change. Thankfully, the flow has lightened up, but it was starting to freak me out a little bit.
So, here I am at Cycle 14. I was going to request bloodwork done this cycle, but I didn't get to call the doctor and for personal reasons, I've decided to wait out this cycle. But, I WILL be getting it done next cycle. I am, however, going to have the hubby do the SA. It is an easy, painless procedure for him and a quick way to get some answers on that end.
And so the ride begins again.
Catching Up: Part 2, Charting
Time to finish catching up because I'm sure more will follow soon.
When last we left, I had spent the first 6 months "winging it" with some help from ovulation kits.
The next 6 months were great and awful all at the same time.
Charting gave me such relief. It was so great to know what was going on with my body instead of just playing a guessing game. I could see not only that I was ovulating, but when. I knew when my period was coming instead of taking test after to test and seeing negatives or wondering constantly if there was still a chance. It was great.
And it was horrible. All the knowledge in the world doesn't make up for month after month of failed trying.
And as I got closer to the year mark, it got worse. Cycle 11, month 11, was the worst. It was ominous. It was too close to the place I didn't want to be. As Cycle 11 ended, I went ahead and talked to my doctor about testing, but then decided to wait out Cycle 12.
I really held out hope. How many times had seen Cycle 12 pregnancies on the TTC message board I post on?
Cycle 12 really played with my head. We had good timing. Then I managed to go the distance between ovulation and my period starting (luteal phase). I go anywhere from 11 days to 14. I went the full 14. And I the earliest day I should have tested was on my mom's birthday. Of course, I did go ahead and test at 12DPO and 13DPO because my temperature was not really dropping (indication that it's "over"). Stupid, stupid, stupid.
And Cycle 12 was over. The next day, I called the doctor to get the ball rolling and was schedule for an HSG test on Cycle Day 8. I'm not going to go into details about this test. Let's just say it was not the most pleasant thing I've ever had done. Basically, though, the test looks for blockages in the uterus and fallopian tubes. Mine were all clear, which is a good thing.
At that point, my doctor said she wanted to wait out a few cycles as some women get pregnant after the HSG test--it can sort of "clean out the cobwebs." I was not and still am not completely happy with the decision for no further testing at this time. We have not even done bloodwork.
But, we do still need to get the hubby in for a sperm anaylsis--SA. My doctor has already written the orders and given instructions, but we've got to deal with his insurance, which is more difficult that mine.
I'm going to stop this update with that--testing done during Cycle 13.
When last we left, I had spent the first 6 months "winging it" with some help from ovulation kits.
The next 6 months were great and awful all at the same time.
Charting gave me such relief. It was so great to know what was going on with my body instead of just playing a guessing game. I could see not only that I was ovulating, but when. I knew when my period was coming instead of taking test after to test and seeing negatives or wondering constantly if there was still a chance. It was great.
And it was horrible. All the knowledge in the world doesn't make up for month after month of failed trying.
And as I got closer to the year mark, it got worse. Cycle 11, month 11, was the worst. It was ominous. It was too close to the place I didn't want to be. As Cycle 11 ended, I went ahead and talked to my doctor about testing, but then decided to wait out Cycle 12.
I really held out hope. How many times had seen Cycle 12 pregnancies on the TTC message board I post on?
Cycle 12 really played with my head. We had good timing. Then I managed to go the distance between ovulation and my period starting (luteal phase). I go anywhere from 11 days to 14. I went the full 14. And I the earliest day I should have tested was on my mom's birthday. Of course, I did go ahead and test at 12DPO and 13DPO because my temperature was not really dropping (indication that it's "over"). Stupid, stupid, stupid.
And Cycle 12 was over. The next day, I called the doctor to get the ball rolling and was schedule for an HSG test on Cycle Day 8. I'm not going to go into details about this test. Let's just say it was not the most pleasant thing I've ever had done. Basically, though, the test looks for blockages in the uterus and fallopian tubes. Mine were all clear, which is a good thing.
At that point, my doctor said she wanted to wait out a few cycles as some women get pregnant after the HSG test--it can sort of "clean out the cobwebs." I was not and still am not completely happy with the decision for no further testing at this time. We have not even done bloodwork.
But, we do still need to get the hubby in for a sperm anaylsis--SA. My doctor has already written the orders and given instructions, but we've got to deal with his insurance, which is more difficult that mine.
I'm going to stop this update with that--testing done during Cycle 13.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
"I'm the only one without kids."
No, that didn't come from me. That came from the hubby.
And it breaks my heart. Every damn time.
We went to a get-together today with some the hubby's friends from childhood--these guys literally grew up together. All in their late 30s now. All of them with kiddos, mostly 10 and under. Many of the kiddos were there, including our super cute god-daughter. And others were shown in pictures by their proud daddies.
It was the pictures that got the comments out of the hubby.
I can't blame him for saying. But it wasn't exactly a great thing to hear sitting here on CD1 of Cycle 14. I already felt like cow from the bloating. And then there is the lovely skin breakouts going on all over the face. Topped by the fact that I felt there were knives being stabbed into my uterus from all the awesome cramping. And I felt like throwing up.
That's starting to be the harder part of trying. The longer we try, the more invested the hubby gets. At first he was on board with trying, but in a oh-great-it'll-happen-one-day kind of way. Now, he gets so hopeful everytime. He still tries to say it's no big deal, but he's all about positive thinking, so he looks at all symptoms as meaning that surely I'm pregnant.
And then I have to tell him that I know for sure I'm not. We've failed yet again.
And then we have to spend a weekend seeing our nieces and nephew (3 and under) and our god-daughter and the kids of other friends.
And we're reminded again and again that it's not us.
At least we didn't get asked about kids. I'm not sure how we got out of that, but I'm really glad. I don't know that I could have handled it today. Just not today. (Secretly, I wonder if I didn't look pregnant or if people weren't wondering. When I'm that bloated, I actually do look like I have a baby bump and couple that with the fact that I wore an empire waisted top. And I'm sure I looked sick because I felt it. But, I'm also sure people don't pay that much attention to me.)
But, yes, hubby, you are about the only one without kids. I'm sorry.
It'll be our turn soon. And you're going to be the best, most doting daddy around.
And it breaks my heart. Every damn time.
We went to a get-together today with some the hubby's friends from childhood--these guys literally grew up together. All in their late 30s now. All of them with kiddos, mostly 10 and under. Many of the kiddos were there, including our super cute god-daughter. And others were shown in pictures by their proud daddies.
It was the pictures that got the comments out of the hubby.
I can't blame him for saying. But it wasn't exactly a great thing to hear sitting here on CD1 of Cycle 14. I already felt like cow from the bloating. And then there is the lovely skin breakouts going on all over the face. Topped by the fact that I felt there were knives being stabbed into my uterus from all the awesome cramping. And I felt like throwing up.
That's starting to be the harder part of trying. The longer we try, the more invested the hubby gets. At first he was on board with trying, but in a oh-great-it'll-happen-one-day kind of way. Now, he gets so hopeful everytime. He still tries to say it's no big deal, but he's all about positive thinking, so he looks at all symptoms as meaning that surely I'm pregnant.
And then I have to tell him that I know for sure I'm not. We've failed yet again.
And then we have to spend a weekend seeing our nieces and nephew (3 and under) and our god-daughter and the kids of other friends.
And we're reminded again and again that it's not us.
At least we didn't get asked about kids. I'm not sure how we got out of that, but I'm really glad. I don't know that I could have handled it today. Just not today. (Secretly, I wonder if I didn't look pregnant or if people weren't wondering. When I'm that bloated, I actually do look like I have a baby bump and couple that with the fact that I wore an empire waisted top. And I'm sure I looked sick because I felt it. But, I'm also sure people don't pay that much attention to me.)
But, yes, hubby, you are about the only one without kids. I'm sorry.
It'll be our turn soon. And you're going to be the best, most doting daddy around.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Did I Really Stomp My Feet?
Why, yes, I most certainly did. I also clenched my fists and made swinging motions.
What's next? A full on kicking, fist-pounding, screaming tantrum?
Apparently, a temp. drop at 11DPO turns me into a temper-tantrum-having-life-is-so-unfair-5-year-old.
I'm not out of the game yet, but a temp drop at this time doesn't help the confidence level. I know my lovely, supportive TTGP ladies would tell me it could be an implantation dip and that I should lose hope. But, at this point, I just don't have the great hope to begin with.
But, always in the corner of mind, way back there is something. Maybe because my boobs hurt so bad I would like to rip them off right now. Seriously. I fell asleep on my stomach last night. The hubby woke me up when he came to be a couple hours later and when I rolled over, it took me awhile to fall back asleep they hurt so bad.
And yesterday, for a couple of days actually, weird cramping. I hate weird cramping. Makes you think things.
Sticking to my resolved. No testing. Just waiting.
And maybe a tantrum. Wouldn't that be fun?
What's next? A full on kicking, fist-pounding, screaming tantrum?
Apparently, a temp. drop at 11DPO turns me into a temper-tantrum-having-life-is-so-unfair-5-year-old.
I'm not out of the game yet, but a temp drop at this time doesn't help the confidence level. I know my lovely, supportive TTGP ladies would tell me it could be an implantation dip and that I should lose hope. But, at this point, I just don't have the great hope to begin with.
But, always in the corner of mind, way back there is something. Maybe because my boobs hurt so bad I would like to rip them off right now. Seriously. I fell asleep on my stomach last night. The hubby woke me up when he came to be a couple hours later and when I rolled over, it took me awhile to fall back asleep they hurt so bad.
And yesterday, for a couple of days actually, weird cramping. I hate weird cramping. Makes you think things.
Sticking to my resolved. No testing. Just waiting.
And maybe a tantrum. Wouldn't that be fun?
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Stupid TV Shows
Before I go any further, if you have not seen the 10/14 episode of "Grey's Anatomy" read no further. You've been warned.
I need to preface this with two things.
First, I love "Grey's Anatomy." I've loved "Grey's" when it wasn't so loveable. It's one of the shows I look forward to most all week long.
Second, I am very well aware that medical dramas are very rarely medically accurate. I've been watching medical shows for a long time, so I've seen it all.
That being said, a storyline on Grey's tonight really annoyed the crap out of me.
In the season finale last May, we found out that Meredith was pregnant and then, in the midst of the shooting rampage at the hospital, she had a miscarriage. It was incredibly sad and heartbreaking. This season, she has been dealing with that, including finally telling her husband that it happened (long story that I'm not going to explain). They agreed they wanted to continue trying.
Jump to tonight's episode when suddenly they are meeting with her OB to discuss what might be going with their TTC process. OB comes in and tells them (though we don't see this; we just hear about it in a conversation between Meredith and Derek) that Meredith has a hostile uterus.
So, first, I don't expect shows to show us every little detail of what goes on in the characters' lives. We're just supposed to assume certain things happened. But, they are in this doctor's office sitting there like all that's been done for the doctor to conclude this about Meredith's uterus is maybe some blood tests. I haven't gotten too far into my testing process, but I'm betting that some slightly more invasive procedures would be involved.
The reason this doesn't fall into the "things that just happen off-screen" reasoning for me is other conversations that were had. On this one day, people notice that and are talking about the fact that she had an appointment on that day. I've had one slightly invasive, uncomfortable (putting it mildly) procedure and I took half a day off work AND people close to me knew.
Next, is the simple fact that she went to an OB. Now, a lof of women start out testing with their OB, me included. But, given the fact that she had already had a miscarriage AND the fact that they are doctors, I don't buy that they wouldn't have gone to an RE (reproductive endochronologist).
Last, at the very end, Meredith and Derek are discussing steps going forward. He says they'll just "try." They'll not worry about tests and blood and just have lots of sex.
I cannot even describe how frustrating that is to hear. First of all, despite the miscarriage, I find it incredibly ridiculous that they were even doing testing to begin with. It's not like it was odd that she had the miscarriage given the awful circumstances she had just been through, so no big mystery to figure out there. Second, they were not even trying when she got pregnant and they haven't been trying more than a few weeks now. And I'm fairly certain the character is not meant to be over 35. So, why in the hell are they even testing anything? The rest of us wait 6 months or a year when there are no known issues or reasons for concern. Why can't she?
But, the worst is the "just have lots of sex." So, putting aside my issues with her having been tested, she was and she found out something could be wrong. But, Derek just decides that "having lots of sex" and "not worrying" will get them pregnant. That is pretty much a slap in the face to anyone who has been trying to just have lots of sex and/or has been diagnosed with some type of fertility issues. Having lots of sex and just seeing what happens won't change the situation.
Look, I know it's a fictional show, but it pisses me off when people are in a position to put information out there and they put out crappy information. The vast majority of the public is pretty clueless about infertility and the general struggles of couples who do not get pregnant right away. And it is because nobody wants to talk about it or tell real stories.
And what's really going to piss me off is that by the end of the season, Meredith will probably be pregnant just by "having lots of sex." And so the cycle of bad information with continue.
I need to preface this with two things.
First, I love "Grey's Anatomy." I've loved "Grey's" when it wasn't so loveable. It's one of the shows I look forward to most all week long.
Second, I am very well aware that medical dramas are very rarely medically accurate. I've been watching medical shows for a long time, so I've seen it all.
That being said, a storyline on Grey's tonight really annoyed the crap out of me.
In the season finale last May, we found out that Meredith was pregnant and then, in the midst of the shooting rampage at the hospital, she had a miscarriage. It was incredibly sad and heartbreaking. This season, she has been dealing with that, including finally telling her husband that it happened (long story that I'm not going to explain). They agreed they wanted to continue trying.
Jump to tonight's episode when suddenly they are meeting with her OB to discuss what might be going with their TTC process. OB comes in and tells them (though we don't see this; we just hear about it in a conversation between Meredith and Derek) that Meredith has a hostile uterus.
So, first, I don't expect shows to show us every little detail of what goes on in the characters' lives. We're just supposed to assume certain things happened. But, they are in this doctor's office sitting there like all that's been done for the doctor to conclude this about Meredith's uterus is maybe some blood tests. I haven't gotten too far into my testing process, but I'm betting that some slightly more invasive procedures would be involved.
The reason this doesn't fall into the "things that just happen off-screen" reasoning for me is other conversations that were had. On this one day, people notice that and are talking about the fact that she had an appointment on that day. I've had one slightly invasive, uncomfortable (putting it mildly) procedure and I took half a day off work AND people close to me knew.
Next, is the simple fact that she went to an OB. Now, a lof of women start out testing with their OB, me included. But, given the fact that she had already had a miscarriage AND the fact that they are doctors, I don't buy that they wouldn't have gone to an RE (reproductive endochronologist).
Last, at the very end, Meredith and Derek are discussing steps going forward. He says they'll just "try." They'll not worry about tests and blood and just have lots of sex.
I cannot even describe how frustrating that is to hear. First of all, despite the miscarriage, I find it incredibly ridiculous that they were even doing testing to begin with. It's not like it was odd that she had the miscarriage given the awful circumstances she had just been through, so no big mystery to figure out there. Second, they were not even trying when she got pregnant and they haven't been trying more than a few weeks now. And I'm fairly certain the character is not meant to be over 35. So, why in the hell are they even testing anything? The rest of us wait 6 months or a year when there are no known issues or reasons for concern. Why can't she?
But, the worst is the "just have lots of sex." So, putting aside my issues with her having been tested, she was and she found out something could be wrong. But, Derek just decides that "having lots of sex" and "not worrying" will get them pregnant. That is pretty much a slap in the face to anyone who has been trying to just have lots of sex and/or has been diagnosed with some type of fertility issues. Having lots of sex and just seeing what happens won't change the situation.
Look, I know it's a fictional show, but it pisses me off when people are in a position to put information out there and they put out crappy information. The vast majority of the public is pretty clueless about infertility and the general struggles of couples who do not get pregnant right away. And it is because nobody wants to talk about it or tell real stories.
And what's really going to piss me off is that by the end of the season, Meredith will probably be pregnant just by "having lots of sex." And so the cycle of bad information with continue.
No "Babies Everywhere"
Ask anyone who has ever TTC--for one month or 12--and they will tell you they see babies everywhere. The store, on TV, in your own family, on Facebook. And if it is not babies, it's a baby bump--that's right, the pregnant woman. The woman you long to be. Or a mommy. Again, the woman you long to be. Heck, even the hubby has taken to noticing babies everywhere and pointing them out to me.
Sometimes, it's hell. Sometimes, it's almost amusing. Is the universe messing with you?
Well, no, it's not. It's life. There have always been pregnant women everywhere. But, it's like when you buy a new car. You never saw that car on the road before, but now that you have one, they're everywhere.
Seeing babies or pregnant women doesn't upset me. It doesn't make me angry. It makes me wistful. It makes me frustrated that I'm not there.
But, no matter it makes me feel, it sucks because it is a feeling I don't want to have. I would give nothing more than to go through the day without that constant want for a child. Without being reminded every second of every day of the one thing I don't have. That would be a good day.
I actually had that today and it was amazing.
The hubby and I played hooky from work and went to the State Fair of Texas. Honestly, I was a little concerned that all the above mentioned "feelings" would be present. Especially given that I am days away from either being pregnant or not--again. And since I'm leaning toward the not, I was prepared to be pissy.
But, I totally wasn't.
Since it is way on the other side of the Metroplex from where we live, which means lots of traffic that would only cause us to get angry, we took the train and then the tram to the fair. On the ride there, a family got on with a cutie pie little boy in a stroller. Honestly, I only barely noticed until the hubby pointed him out.
And there were kids and babies and strollers and stuff for kids all over the fair. I barely saw any of it.
Babies were not everywhere today.
Maybe it was just being "away" from my everyday life. Or just being with the hubby and having fun. But, I realized when I got home that aside from some cramping and the fact that my boobs are killing me, I didn't think about babies, or being pregnant, or trying to conceive, or any of it all day.
It was a good day.
Sometimes, it's hell. Sometimes, it's almost amusing. Is the universe messing with you?
Well, no, it's not. It's life. There have always been pregnant women everywhere. But, it's like when you buy a new car. You never saw that car on the road before, but now that you have one, they're everywhere.
Seeing babies or pregnant women doesn't upset me. It doesn't make me angry. It makes me wistful. It makes me frustrated that I'm not there.
But, no matter it makes me feel, it sucks because it is a feeling I don't want to have. I would give nothing more than to go through the day without that constant want for a child. Without being reminded every second of every day of the one thing I don't have. That would be a good day.
I actually had that today and it was amazing.
The hubby and I played hooky from work and went to the State Fair of Texas. Honestly, I was a little concerned that all the above mentioned "feelings" would be present. Especially given that I am days away from either being pregnant or not--again. And since I'm leaning toward the not, I was prepared to be pissy.
But, I totally wasn't.
Since it is way on the other side of the Metroplex from where we live, which means lots of traffic that would only cause us to get angry, we took the train and then the tram to the fair. On the ride there, a family got on with a cutie pie little boy in a stroller. Honestly, I only barely noticed until the hubby pointed him out.
And there were kids and babies and strollers and stuff for kids all over the fair. I barely saw any of it.
Babies were not everywhere today.
Maybe it was just being "away" from my everyday life. Or just being with the hubby and having fun. But, I realized when I got home that aside from some cramping and the fact that my boobs are killing me, I didn't think about babies, or being pregnant, or trying to conceive, or any of it all day.
It was a good day.
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Bright Side
So, the hubby discovered this blog today. It's not a secret blog. I don't have it set to private. I just sort of put it out there. If it gets read, great. If not, it's more just for me.
The hubby were certainly not upset by the blog, but he did say it depressed him. I guess the majority of the posts have come from a negative, bitter place. That's what happens when you start a blog about trying to get pregnant a year into the process. The fun, exciting, full of anticipation faze has passed. You stop feeling optimistic each cycle and just assume it's going to be a bust. You are just tried as hell of trying. Some days you almost feel like you once your finally do get pregnant, your reaction will be "thank God! Finally!" instead of joy and excitement.
But, occassionally, you still have those thoughts. It's still fun as hell to try. Let's face it, you get to have sex and that's always fun. You get to come off birth control, which for me meant the return of the libido--it also meant a crapload of not-so-fun hormones, but we're focusing on the positive!
It's also fun to anticipate finding out you are pregnant. You start looking at dates you might find out and what that would correspond with. Or what your EDD (estimated delivery date) would be and what that would correspond with. And, trust me, after a full year of trying, I've run through every date possible.
I've had EDD around my birthday, the hubby's birthday, my mom's birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas.
I've had myself finding out around my birthday, around Father's Day.
In September of this year, I actually started my period on my mom's birthday, but I also could have found out on her birthday--how cool would that have been?
This current cycle? I should know one way or the other just days before our anniversary. That would also put me being able to tell family around Christmas--if I could even wait that long.
Now, after a year of trying, you don't quite let yourself dwell on these things because hope is just barely there. But, right now, I'll admit it's there in a corner of my mind, especially with our anniversary coming up.
So, it's not all doom and gloom. There ARE fun things, even if I forget sometimes.
The hubby were certainly not upset by the blog, but he did say it depressed him. I guess the majority of the posts have come from a negative, bitter place. That's what happens when you start a blog about trying to get pregnant a year into the process. The fun, exciting, full of anticipation faze has passed. You stop feeling optimistic each cycle and just assume it's going to be a bust. You are just tried as hell of trying. Some days you almost feel like you once your finally do get pregnant, your reaction will be "thank God! Finally!" instead of joy and excitement.
But, occassionally, you still have those thoughts. It's still fun as hell to try. Let's face it, you get to have sex and that's always fun. You get to come off birth control, which for me meant the return of the libido--it also meant a crapload of not-so-fun hormones, but we're focusing on the positive!
It's also fun to anticipate finding out you are pregnant. You start looking at dates you might find out and what that would correspond with. Or what your EDD (estimated delivery date) would be and what that would correspond with. And, trust me, after a full year of trying, I've run through every date possible.
I've had EDD around my birthday, the hubby's birthday, my mom's birthday, Mother's Day, Christmas.
I've had myself finding out around my birthday, around Father's Day.
In September of this year, I actually started my period on my mom's birthday, but I also could have found out on her birthday--how cool would that have been?
This current cycle? I should know one way or the other just days before our anniversary. That would also put me being able to tell family around Christmas--if I could even wait that long.
Now, after a year of trying, you don't quite let yourself dwell on these things because hope is just barely there. But, right now, I'll admit it's there in a corner of my mind, especially with our anniversary coming up.
So, it's not all doom and gloom. There ARE fun things, even if I forget sometimes.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
I Want to Be that Family
The hubby and I had lunch a burger place today. It was jumping.
When we were done eating, I went to refill our drinks while the hubby ran to the restroom. On the way out, I noticed a gorgeous baby girl in a stoller at a table with her daddy--the table the hubby and I had vacated minutes earlier.
The other night, I was at Subway picking up dinner when a mom and dad came in with their three girls. Super nice family, cute girls not afraid to talk.
Those are those are the moments that kill me the most sometimes. I want to us to be that family in the grocery store or at the park or grabbing lunch. I want to do all these things we do every day with our child(ren).
Don't misunderstand. I love every moment of my the time the hubby and I spend together just us. And I will want to continue those 'just us' moments after baby. But, I want to do many of those moments as a family.
When we were done eating, I went to refill our drinks while the hubby ran to the restroom. On the way out, I noticed a gorgeous baby girl in a stoller at a table with her daddy--the table the hubby and I had vacated minutes earlier.
The other night, I was at Subway picking up dinner when a mom and dad came in with their three girls. Super nice family, cute girls not afraid to talk.
Those are those are the moments that kill me the most sometimes. I want to us to be that family in the grocery store or at the park or grabbing lunch. I want to do all these things we do every day with our child(ren).
Don't misunderstand. I love every moment of my the time the hubby and I spend together just us. And I will want to continue those 'just us' moments after baby. But, I want to do many of those moments as a family.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Here Comes the Scary Part of the Ride
In keeping with the roller coaster metaphor, you know that part of the ride with all the twists and turns, ups and downs, curly-Qs, etc.? It last maybe 30 seconds to a minute in the middle of the ride. You go and go and go, catching your breath for brief seconds in between the fun stuff.
When TTC, that part is known as the two week wait. And this is where that slow motion part comes in. I think by naming it the two week wait, you get what I mean.
From the second you find out you've ovulated--we need a break here to give some basics. I chart, which means every morning I wake up a 4:00am, stick a basal body thermometer in my mouth, and record my resting body temperature. Once plugged into a chart, a shift can be seen in my temps indicating that I did ovulate. There is more to it, but some of it is graphic, so that's all we'll go into. If anybody actually reads this and wants to see my chart, it is linked on the bottom of the page.
So, here we go. From the second you find out you've ovulated, usually about 3 days post, every minute, hour, day, week goes by soooo sloooowwww. Yet, it's filled with all kinds of crazy emotions.
How was our timing? Should I even have hope? There is just no way it's happening this cycle! Its totally this cycle! Why a I crying over a sports story (true story; happened this morning)? What is that twinge in my abdomen? I don't feel anything different, what does that mean? OUCH--my boobs hurt.
All of these things go on in this two week spann. Often in the same 5-minute span. Usually more than once a day.
Today I offically start my two week wait in this my 13th cycle of trying. I have been bitterly disappointed 12 times in the last year. Right now, my state of mind is that I will be bitterly disappointed for a 13th time. But, check with me tomorrow--hell, check with me in an hour--and I'm sure I'll feel differently.
When TTC, that part is known as the two week wait. And this is where that slow motion part comes in. I think by naming it the two week wait, you get what I mean.
From the second you find out you've ovulated--we need a break here to give some basics. I chart, which means every morning I wake up a 4:00am, stick a basal body thermometer in my mouth, and record my resting body temperature. Once plugged into a chart, a shift can be seen in my temps indicating that I did ovulate. There is more to it, but some of it is graphic, so that's all we'll go into. If anybody actually reads this and wants to see my chart, it is linked on the bottom of the page.
So, here we go. From the second you find out you've ovulated, usually about 3 days post, every minute, hour, day, week goes by soooo sloooowwww. Yet, it's filled with all kinds of crazy emotions.
How was our timing? Should I even have hope? There is just no way it's happening this cycle! Its totally this cycle! Why a I crying over a sports story (true story; happened this morning)? What is that twinge in my abdomen? I don't feel anything different, what does that mean? OUCH--my boobs hurt.
All of these things go on in this two week spann. Often in the same 5-minute span. Usually more than once a day.
Today I offically start my two week wait in this my 13th cycle of trying. I have been bitterly disappointed 12 times in the last year. Right now, my state of mind is that I will be bitterly disappointed for a 13th time. But, check with me tomorrow--hell, check with me in an hour--and I'm sure I'll feel differently.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
The Pink Elephant
Yeah, I'm not so much on the original for post titles. Whatever.
So, yeah, that old saying about the pink elephant. That's the perfect description for TTC. Let me get something out right here. I've often read that infertility is like the pink elephant in the room/corner/table. Out of respect to the hundreds of women who have diagnosed infertility, I'm trying to label myself with that yet. Technically, I almost could. Technically, a year of trying without sucess can "earn" you that label. But, I feel it is overused and until there is some diagnosis of something wrong or it's been a little longer--say, a year and half, maybe--I just don't want to do it. Naive, perhaps. Denial, I'm sure. But, there it is.
So, the pink elephant. Yeah, he always pops up when you least expect it. At least for me. I'm not SOOOO self-involved to think that other people think of me and my situation all the time or even some of the time. But, I know he's there.
He's there when someone innocently tells me about a new pregnancy she just learned about or someone who just gave birth. He sits there reminding everybody that I'm not pregnant and/or haven't given birth.
He's there when friends, who know we're TTC and probably realize at this point that it's been awhile, innocently ask what we've been up to. He's there thinking I've not been pregnant two more times since we last saw you and I've started testing to find out if something is wrong. Oh, and I'm waiting to see if my temperature tomorrow morning confirms when I ovulated so that I can start another 2 week wait to see if I got pregnant this time or not.
Do I think my friends see Mr Pink Elephant? Sometimes I think they do. I think sometimes he's visable to them when the subject of what's going on with my efforts and they don't know what all to say and ask. And I think he's there when I don't know how to answer the "what have you been up to" question and just say nothing, when I'm sure my eyes and tone give away that lie.
I hate that this whole process is on my mind all the time. I don't want it to be. And I do have hobbies and I do things to take my mind off of it. But, a promotion, Fall TV, books, sewing, gardening, working out, cooking, baking.
At the end of the day, I'm still not pregnant. I still don't have the baby I long to have.
I have a pink elephant.
So, yeah, that old saying about the pink elephant. That's the perfect description for TTC. Let me get something out right here. I've often read that infertility is like the pink elephant in the room/corner/table. Out of respect to the hundreds of women who have diagnosed infertility, I'm trying to label myself with that yet. Technically, I almost could. Technically, a year of trying without sucess can "earn" you that label. But, I feel it is overused and until there is some diagnosis of something wrong or it's been a little longer--say, a year and half, maybe--I just don't want to do it. Naive, perhaps. Denial, I'm sure. But, there it is.
So, the pink elephant. Yeah, he always pops up when you least expect it. At least for me. I'm not SOOOO self-involved to think that other people think of me and my situation all the time or even some of the time. But, I know he's there.
He's there when someone innocently tells me about a new pregnancy she just learned about or someone who just gave birth. He sits there reminding everybody that I'm not pregnant and/or haven't given birth.
He's there when friends, who know we're TTC and probably realize at this point that it's been awhile, innocently ask what we've been up to. He's there thinking I've not been pregnant two more times since we last saw you and I've started testing to find out if something is wrong. Oh, and I'm waiting to see if my temperature tomorrow morning confirms when I ovulated so that I can start another 2 week wait to see if I got pregnant this time or not.
Do I think my friends see Mr Pink Elephant? Sometimes I think they do. I think sometimes he's visable to them when the subject of what's going on with my efforts and they don't know what all to say and ask. And I think he's there when I don't know how to answer the "what have you been up to" question and just say nothing, when I'm sure my eyes and tone give away that lie.
I hate that this whole process is on my mind all the time. I don't want it to be. And I do have hobbies and I do things to take my mind off of it. But, a promotion, Fall TV, books, sewing, gardening, working out, cooking, baking.
At the end of the day, I'm still not pregnant. I still don't have the baby I long to have.
I have a pink elephant.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
A Little Perspective
I heard a story today that broke my heart, but made me grateful for what I have in my life.
I heard the story of a woman who had been TTC for 10 years and had multiple miscarriages, including a very late one. She tried to commit suicide because her husband was going to leave her if she was not pregnant again.
I cannot even imagine going through this process without the support of the hubby. That is not to say that he always gets what I am going through because he doesn't. And he's not always the most sypathetic to my every emotion because he isn't. He doesn't always say or do the right things.
But, he loves me. And he supports me. And hugs me and tells me that we will have our baby one day.
I can't say I won't ever get frustrated at the hubby again for not "getting it." But, I will never take him for granted. Ever. Because I could not imagine going through this without his support and love.
I heard the story of a woman who had been TTC for 10 years and had multiple miscarriages, including a very late one. She tried to commit suicide because her husband was going to leave her if she was not pregnant again.
I cannot even imagine going through this process without the support of the hubby. That is not to say that he always gets what I am going through because he doesn't. And he's not always the most sypathetic to my every emotion because he isn't. He doesn't always say or do the right things.
But, he loves me. And he supports me. And hugs me and tells me that we will have our baby one day.
I can't say I won't ever get frustrated at the hubby again for not "getting it." But, I will never take him for granted. Ever. Because I could not imagine going through this without his support and love.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Positively Exciting
A positive test, any way you can get it, is always exciting. I think especially for anyone who has never seen a positive pregnancy test, it's actually exhilerating. Weird, I know.
No, I didn't get a positive pregnancy test. No where near time for that.
Just another positive ovulation test--OPK. Love those OPKs. Love those two lines. Or smiley face. Whatever the manner. It's a positive test and I love it.
No, I didn't get a positive pregnancy test. No where near time for that.
Just another positive ovulation test--OPK. Love those OPKs. Love those two lines. Or smiley face. Whatever the manner. It's a positive test and I love it.
Alone
One of the worst parts of having trouble trying to conceive, for me at least, is the feeling of being alone. And that's true even when people know--and in my case, a lot of people know.
But knowing doesn't mean understanding. And all the people who know, the vast majority don't understand.
My friends who know the most, bless them, try to understand. They ask questions, offer sympathy and prayers and crossed fingers. But, they the lucky ones who didn't have to go through seeing multiple negative pregnancy tests or month after month of dashed hopes. So, while they can appreciate my feelings of wanting to get pregnant and not, they can't really understand how I feel.
Others who know, obviously just feel sorry for me, even my friends. You can see it in their eyes. It's pity. It's complete, utter nonunderstanding and not even knowing how to talk to me about it.
My mother has been where I am, but even she can't fully understand. Her infertility was secondary in that she had me no problem, but had trouble conceiving after. So, while she understand the emotions, she can't understand them all. She can't understand things like Mother's Day and why it's hard for me.
Even my husband can't fully understand. He wants kids, but not with the same longing I have and have had for so long. And, of course, he doesn't have the added fun of hormones, which just makes it all worse. He's not the one trying all kinds of things to help or doing the the research or going through invasive, painful tests (yet). And my husband is very black and white, straightforward. If we've been doing things, like charting, and it's not working, well then it must be wrong. I must not be ovulating when the chart says. Well, yes, I am. That part is basic science. But, just because I'm ovulating and even if we have great timing, it doesn't mean I will automatically be pregnant.
It's just very frustrating. I feel like I'm constantly having conversations in my head trying to rationalize things or just vent. I get to the point where I just keep it all in. And that's probably not good.
And I don't like to complain, especially about myself. I'm one of those people who always feels like no matter what is going on with me, others surely have worse, so I shouldn't say anything. And while that may be true, it shouldn't trivialize my feelings, but it does.
Maybe now I can get some of it out here and at least not feel like a crazy person talking to myself--even if I sort of still am.
But knowing doesn't mean understanding. And all the people who know, the vast majority don't understand.
My friends who know the most, bless them, try to understand. They ask questions, offer sympathy and prayers and crossed fingers. But, they the lucky ones who didn't have to go through seeing multiple negative pregnancy tests or month after month of dashed hopes. So, while they can appreciate my feelings of wanting to get pregnant and not, they can't really understand how I feel.
Others who know, obviously just feel sorry for me, even my friends. You can see it in their eyes. It's pity. It's complete, utter nonunderstanding and not even knowing how to talk to me about it.
My mother has been where I am, but even she can't fully understand. Her infertility was secondary in that she had me no problem, but had trouble conceiving after. So, while she understand the emotions, she can't understand them all. She can't understand things like Mother's Day and why it's hard for me.
Even my husband can't fully understand. He wants kids, but not with the same longing I have and have had for so long. And, of course, he doesn't have the added fun of hormones, which just makes it all worse. He's not the one trying all kinds of things to help or doing the the research or going through invasive, painful tests (yet). And my husband is very black and white, straightforward. If we've been doing things, like charting, and it's not working, well then it must be wrong. I must not be ovulating when the chart says. Well, yes, I am. That part is basic science. But, just because I'm ovulating and even if we have great timing, it doesn't mean I will automatically be pregnant.
It's just very frustrating. I feel like I'm constantly having conversations in my head trying to rationalize things or just vent. I get to the point where I just keep it all in. And that's probably not good.
And I don't like to complain, especially about myself. I'm one of those people who always feels like no matter what is going on with me, others surely have worse, so I shouldn't say anything. And while that may be true, it shouldn't trivialize my feelings, but it does.
Maybe now I can get some of it out here and at least not feel like a crazy person talking to myself--even if I sort of still am.
Friday, October 1, 2010
What's in a Name
There might be days when I post more than once day. I like to "talk" and this is just where I'm going to let it all out.
I figured the title of the blog might need some explaining, although I think it's pretty simple.
It's how my life feels right now. It's how trying to conceive feels.
I'm a roller coaster of emotions--happy, sad, depressed, excited, hopeful, hopeless. You name it, I feel it--sometimes all in one day.
At the same time, my life feels like it is in constant slow motion. My life is cut into two-week segments--wait to ovulate then waiting to see if I'm pregnant of if we have not succeeded once again. It just feels like all I do is wait. And wait. And wait.
I wait to ovulated. I wait to start my period. I wait for my period to end. I wait to see the doctor. I wait for tests.
I wait to have a family.
How is it that a year has passed while I've been waiting and riding this roller coaster?
I figured the title of the blog might need some explaining, although I think it's pretty simple.
It's how my life feels right now. It's how trying to conceive feels.
I'm a roller coaster of emotions--happy, sad, depressed, excited, hopeful, hopeless. You name it, I feel it--sometimes all in one day.
At the same time, my life feels like it is in constant slow motion. My life is cut into two-week segments--wait to ovulate then waiting to see if I'm pregnant of if we have not succeeded once again. It just feels like all I do is wait. And wait. And wait.
I wait to ovulated. I wait to start my period. I wait for my period to end. I wait to see the doctor. I wait for tests.
I wait to have a family.
How is it that a year has passed while I've been waiting and riding this roller coaster?
Catching Up: Part 1, In the Beginning
Just in case anybody does actually read this and so as to have a record of how I got here, it's time to play catch up on my background.
First, I am going to not call my husband by his name. He will be known as "the hubby." If you read my other blogs, you know his name, but due to the more personal nature of this blog, we'll try to go a little anonymous.
So, stats. I am 32, 33 in December. The hubby is 37, 38 in November. In October, we will celebrate 2 years of marriage and 9 years of "putting up with each other." Summer 2009, we finally got on the same page about being ready to have kids (more on that history later, I'm sure).
We discussed and decided I would talk to my doctor in August at my annual about going off the birth control pills as well as my migraine prevention meds (can't take those while pregnant and have to slowly wean off of them) and anything else we needed to discuss before trying to conceive. My appointment ended up getting moved up by about a month because I found lump in my breast that I wanted checked out. Fortunately, that turned out to be nothing and the doctor gave me the go-ahead to start trying whenever we were ready.
The hubby, I think, got a little freaked by the propect of it actually happening right then, so we decided to wait for our original start date and finish out my presription of birth control and let me get myself off the migraine meds. So, Labor Day weekend 2009, I started my last BC pill pack and started taking myself off the migraine meds. So, by the end of September 2009, we were offically trying to conceive.
I decided that we'd take the relax and have fun approach. I didn't want to freak out the hubby and even though I had concerns that we might have trouble, people around me were easily getting pregnant left and right, so I was optimistic. That lasted all of two cycles.
By December, Cycle 3, I was ready to try ovulation predictor kits. I didn't really think they were that necessary as I had very regular cycles coming off BC and considered myself very lucky. So, we used those for a few cycles and they seemed to confirm what I thought about when I ovulated. But, we still were not getting pregnant and with each passing month, I was getting less and less hopeful.
When we started Cycle 6, I informed the hubby that if we were not pregnant at the end of it, I was going to start charting my temperature to see if I was, in fact, ovulating and to see if we couldn't help out our timing. Once again, we were not pregnant. Once again, I was devasated. But, now I had a plan. Charting it was.
First, I am going to not call my husband by his name. He will be known as "the hubby." If you read my other blogs, you know his name, but due to the more personal nature of this blog, we'll try to go a little anonymous.
So, stats. I am 32, 33 in December. The hubby is 37, 38 in November. In October, we will celebrate 2 years of marriage and 9 years of "putting up with each other." Summer 2009, we finally got on the same page about being ready to have kids (more on that history later, I'm sure).
We discussed and decided I would talk to my doctor in August at my annual about going off the birth control pills as well as my migraine prevention meds (can't take those while pregnant and have to slowly wean off of them) and anything else we needed to discuss before trying to conceive. My appointment ended up getting moved up by about a month because I found lump in my breast that I wanted checked out. Fortunately, that turned out to be nothing and the doctor gave me the go-ahead to start trying whenever we were ready.
The hubby, I think, got a little freaked by the propect of it actually happening right then, so we decided to wait for our original start date and finish out my presription of birth control and let me get myself off the migraine meds. So, Labor Day weekend 2009, I started my last BC pill pack and started taking myself off the migraine meds. So, by the end of September 2009, we were offically trying to conceive.
I decided that we'd take the relax and have fun approach. I didn't want to freak out the hubby and even though I had concerns that we might have trouble, people around me were easily getting pregnant left and right, so I was optimistic. That lasted all of two cycles.
By December, Cycle 3, I was ready to try ovulation predictor kits. I didn't really think they were that necessary as I had very regular cycles coming off BC and considered myself very lucky. So, we used those for a few cycles and they seemed to confirm what I thought about when I ovulated. But, we still were not getting pregnant and with each passing month, I was getting less and less hopeful.
When we started Cycle 6, I informed the hubby that if we were not pregnant at the end of it, I was going to start charting my temperature to see if I was, in fact, ovulating and to see if we couldn't help out our timing. Once again, we were not pregnant. Once again, I was devasated. But, now I had a plan. Charting it was.
Ripping off the Bandage
The title of this post is one of the titles I threw around for the blog. That's what this blog feels like. I've been saying (to myself, in my head) for ages that I was going to start this blog. I actually wrote an entry for it in my private blog. But, in the end, I felt like I needed a new, fresh blog for this subject. So, why is it like ripping off a bandage? Because starting this blog, knowing what I will say here, is something I didn't want to do. Starting this blog means I've hit that point where I can no longer pretend away what's going on. I can no longer put on a happy face in my head like I do with the rest of the world. And I've been putting it off for a week. Now it is time to put it out there.
I am trying to have a baby. I have been trying to have a baby for one year. At one year, it is time to admit that things aren't going as planned.
And there it is.
Now, this "drama" is not meant to say that I haven't faced this in my own mind. I have. It's not to say that there are not people who know what going on with me. There are. Many of them, in fact, but that's a story for another post. But, nobody, really, knows what is going on in my head--including me sometimes. I have all these thoughts and emotions and I don't really let them out to anybody--at least not in a healthy way. Thus, this blog where I can say those thing. Put them out there. Not keep them inside.
I'm not generally a dramatic person, so I promise that will not become a theme here--for anybody who might actually be reading. And, really, this blog is really more for me. If people read, great. If they don't, I don't care. I'm probably not ever going to be inspiring. And I'm definitely not going to be original.
I'm just sort of going to be me--on my journey to being a mom.
I am trying to have a baby. I have been trying to have a baby for one year. At one year, it is time to admit that things aren't going as planned.
And there it is.
Now, this "drama" is not meant to say that I haven't faced this in my own mind. I have. It's not to say that there are not people who know what going on with me. There are. Many of them, in fact, but that's a story for another post. But, nobody, really, knows what is going on in my head--including me sometimes. I have all these thoughts and emotions and I don't really let them out to anybody--at least not in a healthy way. Thus, this blog where I can say those thing. Put them out there. Not keep them inside.
I'm not generally a dramatic person, so I promise that will not become a theme here--for anybody who might actually be reading. And, really, this blog is really more for me. If people read, great. If they don't, I don't care. I'm probably not ever going to be inspiring. And I'm definitely not going to be original.
I'm just sort of going to be me--on my journey to being a mom.
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