The Club

So, in the past year plus that I've been trying, I've had a LOT of pregnant people and new mommies in my life. A lot. A lot a lot a lot.

I think I handle it all pretty well. I can listen to them talk pregnancy, even have my own things to say about it. I can hear birth stories. I can talk babies. I can hold and love on babies. I can see picture after picture. All with a smile--a genuine one.

I would be absolutely lying if I said I wasn't also wistful and jealous that they have this thing (by thing I mean motherhood) that I want so badly. But, beyond that, most days, these things do not phase me (I can't say I don't have my days, like when my PMS hormones are raging).

I also am not usually bothered by watching TV shows or movies on the subject. The hubby thinks it bothers me, but I still love Knocked Up and Juno and Nine Months.

I love to hear updates from my TTGP gals who have graduated and now sharing their experiences with the rest of us waiting to get pregnant.

But some day, in ways I would never expect, something hits me.

Today, I decided to watch this new talk show called "The Talk." It's sort of "The View" lite. From what I can tell, no hard hitting subject. Panel of 5 women. Since I'm working from home today, I decided to check it out. Plus, I heard Melissa Rycroft from "The Bachelor" and "Dancing with the Stars" was going to be on to reveal the sex of her baby.

Now, that right there should have been reason enough for me to not watch. But, like I said, these things don't bother me. Despite my sometimes bitter feelings, I still love this stuff and can't wait for it myself, so it excites me. What I wasn't expecting, though, was baby/pregnancy overload.

The 5 women each described finding out they were pregnant the first time--including a video of one of the women (actress Leah Remini, who apparently had been filming a reality show). They described what it felt like to find out they were pregnant--all the emotions from elation to terror. Then they described labor and delivery.

It was just a whole on-slaught.

And next thing I know, tears are running down my face. Not in anger or jealousy. It was just one more reminder of the things I can't share with so many other women. I can be prepared for pregnancy and birth and motherhood all day long. I can read and research. And I can hope and think and dream.

But I don't know what it FEELS like. I don't know what it's like to see that second pink line or the word "pregnant" instead of the  two most awful words to ever read. I don't know what it is like to tell my husband that he's going to be a daddy. Or my mom she's going to be a grandma. I don't know what it is like to feel a baby move inside me or hear my baby's heartbeat.

And I don't know that love that ONLY a mother feels for her new baby.

So, now I'm just sad. And it's nobody's fault. Not even my own for not turning it off. Because, like I've said before, pregnancy is a part of life. It's everywhere and that's okay. I can't hide from it and I don't want to.

I just want to join the club!