First Appointment

Way behind on this post, but a busy week and I developed a nasty little cold mid-week that's sort of knocked me off my feet.

Our first appointment was last Monday, at 8wks, 1d. And it couldn't have gone any better.

This was my first time seeing this doctor, on a recommendation from a good friend, and I could not be happier with my choice. She's super calming and understanding. And The Hubby really liked her, so I'm so glad I picked her.

I will admit to be just as nervous and terrified for this appointment as I was excited.

I was hoping for a sonogram, but with that comes anxiety. What if we don't see what we should be seeing? What if these last 4 weeks were all I got?

As you can see, that was so not the case.

One beautiful baby. And one beautifully beating heart.

I still don't even have words for that feeling, the moment we saw that image.

Tears. Lots of tears.

Then, some added fun and laughs.

It's too hard to see in the picture up there, but baby was not quite measuring right. Dr. B did a double check on the information I had already given her. I was supposed to be 8wks 1d. And I have NO reason to doubt that. Despite not charting that cycle, I know from nearly two years of charting what my O date was within a day or two. Personally, I thought I was more along the lines of 8wks 3d, but was choosing to stay with the former.

Yeah, baby was measuring 8wks 6d. SIX!! DAYS!!

Since I know there is no possible way I'm almost a week ahead, Dr. B decided to leave my due date at November 18.

But, what this potentially means is I'm carrying a somewhat large baby. Yikes!

That's when The Hubby informed he was 9lbs 15oz. at birth. Double yikes!

I'm hoping all evens out in the end.

At any rate, the appointment was a huge success. I go back right at 12 weeks. We will hopefully hear the heartbeat, but Dr. B was quick to tell me that since I have an introverted uterus (which I, of course, knew from my sono at the RE), it was very possible that we still might not hear the heartbeat even at 12 weeks. But, she said if we couldn't hear with the doppler, we'd do another sonogram to see it.

So, now, I'm almost 9 weeks!! Nine weeks!! How did that happen?! (And I do promise a bumpdate this week and some other fun stuff.)

Seven Week Bumpdate

How far along? I can't believe I'm seven weeks!!

Weight gain/loss: No change from last week, which I'm looking at as a good thing!

Workout: Missed three workouts last week - two days of swimming and one BodyPump class. I'm okay with that decision. And I did skip today because I was just too damn tired. Plan for the week is to get my butt in bed on time every night so that I can get my butt out of bed every other day.

Maternity clothes?  Nope. I DID buy a few new tops last week because I didn't really have anything Spring-y to wear. I think I did a good job of buying things I will be able to wear for a little while before I need maternity tops and be able to wear after.

Stretch marks?  Only the already existing ones. Hehe.

Sleep?  Good besides getting up to pee once or twice. Occasionally, I have issues falling back to sleep from the nausea, but mostly, no problems.

Best moment this week?  Finally getting The Hubby to connect the fact that there is a baby coming to the fact that I am pregnant, and what all being pregnant means. Since then, he's been fabulous about paying attention to my needs!

Food cravings:  Still not too much. Mac 'n' cheese. And spaghetti and meatballs - specifically, my stepdad's spaghetti and meatballs. I almost called and asked him to make me some!

Gender:  Too early!

Belly button in or out?  Too early!

Movement?  WAY too early, but I CANNOT WAIT!
What I miss?  Not wanting to eat ALL.THE.TIME.

What I'm looking forward to:  One week until the doctor!! Shockingly, it's almost flown by! But, this week a new book from one of my favorite authors comes out on Tuesday, so that will keep me good a busy (already pre-ordered on my Nook). And the start of the MLB season, which means Opening Day at the Ballpark to see my Texas Rangers raise yet another AL Campionship banner!! It also means only a half day in the office and ballpark nachos!!!

Milestones:  Really, just plain being at 7 weeks. For some reason, it feels all that more real.

Life Savers

Sea bands. The only things remotely saving my sanity.
"Morning" sickness could certainly be worse. I have actually puked three times, but not bad at all. Mostly, it's just been the constant nausea and,  a few times a day, horrible gagging and dry heaving.
I've got crackers. They help some. Ginger Ale has been a surprising hit with my taste buds. I try not to have an empty stomach.
But nausea persisted.
Then, I remembered a friend wearing Sea Bands with her last pregnancy and asked her about them. She still had them in her desk drawer and let me try them.
Oh, the almost instant relief.
Nausea is not completely gone, but they take edge off and let me function a little better.
And they are safe. No meds. Just a button on pressure points - no harm to me or baby.
I've been a bit paranoid about wearing them at work, so visibly. In fact, not 5 minutes after I put them on the first day, I had to come up with a cover story when one of my team members came to my desk and asked about them. (Told her my migraines had been getting bad again and they help with the nausea from them.)
But, the relief I feel is so worth the possibility of being found out.

Six Week Bumpdate

How far along? Six weeks and a day or two

Weight gain/loss: Just stepped on the scale to see another couple pounds up. I really don't see how. I AM eating a little more, but I'm still working out and some days, I really don't feel like I'm eating enough. Time to start counting calories more closely.
Workout: Managed five days last week, including kickboxing on Saturday. Have a feeling I'm skipping today since I'm off work, have a lot to do, and sort of feeling crappy. Had some issues with nausea during BodyPump both days last week, but pulled through!

Maternity clothes? No even close, though I DID use the rubber band trick on my jeans Saturday night. The tummy bloat was a little much and I was much more comfortable that way.
 
Stretch marks? Of course now. Now would be a good time to say that I fully anticipate them, though. I've got them elsewhere on my body and have since I was a teenager, so I'm certain they are in my future.

Sleep?  Not terrible. I'm up once or twice a night to pee. Unfortunately, getting up causes nausea and/or heartburn to keep me up a little longer than I'd like, but it's not SO bad.
 
Best moment this week? Poker night with friends. Always fun and we did tell them the news, which was really fun.
  
Food cravings:  Still really nothing. Maybe grilled cheese sandwiches. I made a couple for dinner the other night and it was the best thing I'd eaten in days.

Gender: Way too early. The Hubby and I both seem to refer to Baby as "he" a lot, but who knows if that will pan out. For the record, I absolutely do NOT have a preference. Not one little bit.

Belly button in or out?   In, of course.
 
Movement?  WAY too early, but I CANNOT WAIT!
 
What I miss?  The desire for food. I want to eat because I get hungry and feel sick if I don't, but I take very little pleasure in food these days, which is sad to me.

What I'm looking forward to:  Still that first appointment. Two weeks from today!

Milestones:  I think I can say actual "morning" sickness has officially kicked in. And as crappy as I feel, bring it on.

Pregnancy after Infertility

Even typing out that title causes odd anxiety for me.

I've had issues with my own IF struggle, mostly since our diagnosis of unexplained. It's something I struggled with and still do. Logically, I know that not having a specific diagnosis and not going through treatments does not make me any less of an IF struggler. But, I've always felt in some ways "less" than the couples who have dealt with painful diagnoses and multiple failed treatment cycles. I know our struggles and pain are the same, but I know that the pain of shelling out money and taking time out of their lives and being poked and prodded even more IS harder. I know that.

But, the fact is I AM an infertility survivor.

But, that fact is more difficult to deal with and have people understand, I think when you conceive on your own even after so much time.

And that's where I struggle once again.

One of the most difficult things about IF is the bitterness it leaves you with. I fully admit to my bitterness over the last year and half or so. I've never shyed away from, but I've always tried to keep it in perspective.

You think that once you are pregnant, the bitterness will fade some. Not go away. I honestly hope that the struggle and pain I went through stays with me because I want to never make anybody else feel the way I've felt. I want to remember and be grateful every day for the gift that has been given to me.

But, there are still so many bitter feelings that have come out in me, partially due to things that have been said to me. Nobody has meant anything by them, but they are still hard to hear.

Both my mother and our best friend said to me "it's about time" when we told them I'm pregnant. Both are very well aware of how long we've tried and the pain we've gone through and how desperate we've been. Both were joking when they said it, but it still hurt like hell.

My SIL asked me if we'd "gone to the doctor" to get pregnant. Even she admitted it didn't matter, but the question rubbed me the wrong way. Why did it matter?

The two most recent people I've told made remarks that basically meant "oh, it just took time" or "you just needed to relax and not worry about it."

Those last two are the ones that hurt me the most. Partially because I feel that's what people think. That because I didn't end up needing treatment/intervention to get pregnant that somehow the only "issue" I had was impatience.

And sometimes I question that myself.

I KNOW it's not true. I KNOW that a diagnosis of unexplained does not mean there is nothing wrong, but rather nothing is obviously wrong. I KNOW that it wasn't because I stopped temping and stopped timing so hard that I got pregnant.

But people who don't understand IF don't know that. So, their comments still sting.

Do I believe that the timing was just right this time? That this was when it was meant to happen? Did I always have a gut feeling that I could conceive on my own?

Yeah. All of the above.

But that does not take away two and half years of heartache. It doesn't take away the pain of watching other have babies. Of not knowing what was going on with my body. Of fearing that I would never get the one thing I wanted more than anything in this world.

What others say and think shouldn't matter. And in the long run, they don't. But their words still cut.

To all of you beautiful, strong ladies who are struggling through treatments and still waging your battles, I pray for you every day. You are in my thoughts always. I will never forget that I was a small part of the IF community.

Even now, IF still sucks.

5 Week Bumpdate

The sheer excitement to start this weekly update is indescribable.

No bump picture this week, for obvious reasons. I think there is the smallest bit of bloat going on the evenings, obviously nothing else. And I have no interest in taking a picture of my currently flabby belly.

How far along? 5 weeks and a day or so (really wishing I'd been charting to I knew my exact O date; oh, well)

Weight gain/loss: Just going to lay it out there. I was at 174 the last time I weighed before finding out I'm pregnant. It had probably been a little over a week since I'd weighed and I'd missed some days of working out due to my own injury, a little pain/illness The Hubby was going through, and attending a wedding. I will also admit to some stress eating from work stress. So, when I weighed on Wednesday, the day after finding out, I was at 177. So, I'm using that as my starting weight. I will be weighing on Sundays or Mondays from this point as that's when my new week starts and when I will do these updates. The scale showed one pound up from last week.

Workout Note: I'm adding this one for my own little accountability. I am trying to continue as much of my regular workout as possible. Previously, I was on a routine of M/F - hour cardio split between bike/treadmill/ellipical, very heavy pace, very high heart rate; T/Th - 20min. elliptical, hour BodyPump class (strength training w/cardio), 25min. elliptical, very heavy pace very high heart rate; W - 20min. elliptical, hourlong Nike Training Club (boot camp/circuit training), incredibly high paced, lots of impact moves; Sat. - cardio kickboxing, crazy high paced and heart rate. When I injured myself a few weeks back, I'd taken off a day of NTC and actually stopped my cardio machines altogether and started swimming a little. My goal is to continue working out as much as possibly can. I am already overweight, but getting into shape and I don't want to lose that. And I know how good it will be for me during pregnany, during labor/delivery, and after birth. My current routine is M/F - swimming (hour), T/Thu - 20min. ellipitical, BodyPump (with some lower weights; modifications will come as I progress), W - probably an hour on the elliptical, S - cardio kickboxing (LOTS of breaks, LOTS of water, and no impact moves).

Feeling:  Mostly okay. Nausea here and there, but mostly if  I'm going too long without eating. Tummy issues here and there, but mostly food related - I've apparently developed a bit of lactose intolerance, which is really annoying because I'm a big-time dairy girl. Lactaid is my new BFF. Beyond that, absolutely elated and could not care less when I feel like crap.

Maternity clothes:  Uh, no. Not even close.

Sleep:  There's not enough of it, but that was true pre-pregnancy. I think I've gotten up to pee at least once a night every night, but usually something else has woken me up. I don't seem to be sleeping as soundly, but I am sleeping.

Food cravings:  More like does anything sound good? I have little desire for anything I usually love (pasta, chocolate) and feel better when I eat real, whole meals.

Movement:  Way too early!

Best moment this week:  Those two beautiful lines (on all three tests) and the digital read out: "pregnant". (And I may or may not have 4 more digitals to take.)

What I'm looking forward to:  My first appointment can't get here soon enough. I'm praying we get the chance to see our little (insert cute name here; still trying to decide on one, suggestions welcome). And telling more people. Yes, a lot of people already know, but there an important few who I can't wait to tell.

Next Appointment:  April 9

Milestones:  Baby is the size of an appleseed this week and will begin developing his/her little heart. Mommy can't wait to hear it beat.

Promise all weekly updates will NOT be this long and involved!

14

As of tonight, 14 is the number of people we have told.
That is an insanely large number for five weeks.
When we started this journey so long ago, I was adamant that no one know before the end of first trimester.
I was also adamant that know one know we were trying.
Ha!
I had decided many months ago that keeping the secret was no longer as appealing as it once was. Going through IF, and having people go through it with us, change my feelings. If people could know about the struggle, shouldn't they  get to celebrate its end with us? And, if these people were close enough to share IF with, they'd be close enough to know if something were to go wrong with the pregnancy.
If I'd had it my way, all of six people would know right now. But, I couldn't make my mom keep it from my stepdad. If my parents were going to know, how could I really keep The Hubby from telling his parents. And sister and her husband live with my inlaws, do they had to know.
I get nervous with each new person who knows so early. I'm still 3/4 weeks away from seeing the doctor and many weeks away from second tri.
But, I have to believe in the positive. I have believe there is no reason to worry.