Pregnancy after Infertility

Even typing out that title causes odd anxiety for me.

I've had issues with my own IF struggle, mostly since our diagnosis of unexplained. It's something I struggled with and still do. Logically, I know that not having a specific diagnosis and not going through treatments does not make me any less of an IF struggler. But, I've always felt in some ways "less" than the couples who have dealt with painful diagnoses and multiple failed treatment cycles. I know our struggles and pain are the same, but I know that the pain of shelling out money and taking time out of their lives and being poked and prodded even more IS harder. I know that.

But, the fact is I AM an infertility survivor.

But, that fact is more difficult to deal with and have people understand, I think when you conceive on your own even after so much time.

And that's where I struggle once again.

One of the most difficult things about IF is the bitterness it leaves you with. I fully admit to my bitterness over the last year and half or so. I've never shyed away from, but I've always tried to keep it in perspective.

You think that once you are pregnant, the bitterness will fade some. Not go away. I honestly hope that the struggle and pain I went through stays with me because I want to never make anybody else feel the way I've felt. I want to remember and be grateful every day for the gift that has been given to me.

But, there are still so many bitter feelings that have come out in me, partially due to things that have been said to me. Nobody has meant anything by them, but they are still hard to hear.

Both my mother and our best friend said to me "it's about time" when we told them I'm pregnant. Both are very well aware of how long we've tried and the pain we've gone through and how desperate we've been. Both were joking when they said it, but it still hurt like hell.

My SIL asked me if we'd "gone to the doctor" to get pregnant. Even she admitted it didn't matter, but the question rubbed me the wrong way. Why did it matter?

The two most recent people I've told made remarks that basically meant "oh, it just took time" or "you just needed to relax and not worry about it."

Those last two are the ones that hurt me the most. Partially because I feel that's what people think. That because I didn't end up needing treatment/intervention to get pregnant that somehow the only "issue" I had was impatience.

And sometimes I question that myself.

I KNOW it's not true. I KNOW that a diagnosis of unexplained does not mean there is nothing wrong, but rather nothing is obviously wrong. I KNOW that it wasn't because I stopped temping and stopped timing so hard that I got pregnant.

But people who don't understand IF don't know that. So, their comments still sting.

Do I believe that the timing was just right this time? That this was when it was meant to happen? Did I always have a gut feeling that I could conceive on my own?

Yeah. All of the above.

But that does not take away two and half years of heartache. It doesn't take away the pain of watching other have babies. Of not knowing what was going on with my body. Of fearing that I would never get the one thing I wanted more than anything in this world.

What others say and think shouldn't matter. And in the long run, they don't. But their words still cut.

To all of you beautiful, strong ladies who are struggling through treatments and still waging your battles, I pray for you every day. You are in my thoughts always. I will never forget that I was a small part of the IF community.

Even now, IF still sucks.