And clarity . . .

As "down" as I was in the previous post, I have not given up hope. I will never fully give up hope.

This past couple of cycles has shown me that I need a break. Of course, we will not TTA, but everything is going away with this next cycle--no thermometer, no green tea/POM/EPO, not even OPKs. I just don't want to think about it. None of those things actually stress me out, but I'm sick of getting pissed when I don't see a temp I want or analyzing them when they don't need to be, I'm sick of wondering if this thing or that is making the difference, and I'm tired of the damn smiley face.

For the record, I have not started CD1 yet. I am 14DPO, if you really go by Fertility Friend, but I'm not 100% convinced of my O date. I had one positive the day FF says I O'd and TWO the day after. I stopped temping after the supposed 5DPO (CD18--I've only had one instance of O'ing that late and that would have been 4 days after the last positive OPK) and saw no signs of a later O. I took a test in the evening of 13DPO just to shut my brain up. It was negative, so now I'm okay to wait patiently for my period.

What I will do this next cycle is spend time researching REs and making an appointment. I have come to the conclusion that I do not need to continue the trying process with my OB, even if I love her. Whereas there were things she was willing to do, I just feel like she wasn't doing everything she could have done. I think that contributed to how I was feeling. I've had bad experiences with doctors not always doing things I would like them to do, basically dismissing things I've said, or just plain not finding things wrong. So, I think I sort of felt like the same thing was happening here, whether it was or not. It's also time to really heed the advice of so many of the TTGP/3T ladies and just skip the OB. Too many "horror" stories of OBs not doing things right.

I'm also going to be taking a closer look at the budget to see if I can't squeeze accupunture in. We had a licensed accpuncture therapist come into my office last week for a presentation and she gave all of us who attended a free consultation and first session. I kind of saw it as a sign. I really liked her and my session was really great. She seems to think I have low progesterone. Obviously, I can't back that up with testing, but I'll be interested to see if she is right. She would like for me to do two sessions a week, but for $80 a pop, I just don't know if I can do it. But, I like the idea of altenative methods and I've heard some success stories (including from her--lots of baby pictures on her wall).

Anyway, assuming I can get an appointment quickly, we will start testing cycle after next, which will be cycle 19--I think; I now realize how so many 3T ladies no longer keep track. Once all results are in, we will make more decisions. I could never not test and always wonder. I've always told myself that I can live with not having kids if we know it is an impossibility or something that is out of reach financially.

Until then, hope prevails.

Some Realizations

I've had a lot on my mind lately and I haven't quite been able to pinpoint what I feel or why or what it means.

Then a conversation happened today that really just drove home all of my feelings.

"Are you sure you really want to have kids? Maybe this is God's way of telling you you aren't ready or that you shouldn't have kids. There's been all kinds of things I've wanted that I haven't gotten."

All of these things were said to my face. (Admittedly--because one of readers was in the room when these things were said--this was not verbatum what was said, but close.)

I've had a few back slap things said to me during this TTC journey. From a friend who told me I wanted it too much and that's why it wasn't happening to my MIL saying that all her children were "fertile Myrtle's" except The Hubby to my mother jokingly asking "what's wrong with you?"

But these today were the worst. Maybe because they hit home.

I've been struggling lately with how I feel going forward. As in, I don't know where I want to go.

Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? Am I meant to be a mother? What is, exactly, God's plan and am I fighting it?

I'm not usually one to question. I have faith in God's plans and that He will lead me where I am meant to go, but lately I've wondered if I'm being selfish and not paying attention to signs that might be telling things I don't want to hear.

Am I meant to have just been the big sister who helped raise two incredible boys, now young men? Am I just meant to be the overly involved aunt? Am I just meant to be mom to the four-legged children? Are these things meant to be my maternal outlets?

Don't get me wrong, none of those things are "just" anything. I am incredibly proud to say I had any hand in the types of young men my baby brothers have become. And the most amazing moment of my life so far was watching my nephew come into this world and take his first breath. And my life would not be complete without my furbabies. All of those roles are fulfilling and I wouldn't trade them for anything.

But, is that it?

Lately, I feel as though I've been preparing myself for the very real prospect of not having children. Even The Hubby said, you know, it might not ever happen.

And, I don't know how I feel about that. I would never truly accept it. I know I would always feel like a part of me missing. That's a void that can't be filled.

But could I move on from it?

That's where I'm trying to get to.

And this is all still so cart before horse. If I wanted, I could be very far from making the conclusion that I'm not having children. But I feel like now is the time to really explore.

Moving into testing means moving into treatment, be it medications or IUI or IVF. And I don't know how I feel about that.

I believe very strongly in most (I will not say all because I'm sure there are some out there I don't know about or don't know enough about) forms of assisted conception. I believe they work and are healthy when everyone knows what they are doing and what they are in for. I believe they are not for everybody and that it is a personal decision.

What I don't know, now that I'm faced with the potential need for these things, is if they are right for me or what I want. I don't know if I can go to those "lengths" to get pregnant, especially when none of them are foolproof. I just don't know if I--or The Hubby--can handle it.

So, you see, the words that were said to me today were actually pretty horrible to hear and are probably some of the worst things a person struggling to conceive could ever hear.

But, you see, they were really just vocalized words of thoughts I've been having in my head.

Right now,  I don't know where I am going to go from here. I do not hold out hope for the current cycle, but that's just my mind, and my heart, saying you've been here before with the same results, why expect different? I'm seriously considering a break next cycle. Not TTA, but not charting, not even OPKs. Then, seeing how I feel after that.

I feel defeated. I feel removed. I feel done.

But first, A Blog Award

Two of my lovely friends have awarded me a blog award.

 

Thank you to Jenn and MillerTimeMama for the honor. I love you both tons for being the sweet, supportive gals you are!

Now that I have been given this award, there are some rules that I am to follow.

1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

 

So, a few things about me:

1. I was never really a dog person until I met The Hubby. We always had dogs growing up, but I never thought I really wanted them for myself. Then I met The Hubby and fell in love with his doxie baby, Nicole. She became my little buddy and after she died, we got two more doxie babies, who are like my kids.

 

2. I have an unhealthy love all TexMex food. I could literally eat it every day and never complain.

 

3. I am avid sports fan. To the point of obsession at times. The Hubby often tries to tell me I'm wrong on a sports-related subject then has to take it back.

 

4. I am in love with Robert Redford and told The Hubby very early on in our relationship that I would leave him for Robert.

 

5. I have what most would call an unhealthy relationship with the TV. Some nights, I can up to 4 things recording on the DVR at one time. I live for new fall seasons and have to force myself to not start new shows.

 

 6. If I could get away with it, I would never wear shoes. I despise wearing shoes. I never wear them at home. I take them off at most friends' and families' houses. I can often be caught with no shoes on at my desk at work.

 

7. I have four brothers. When my was pregnant with the youngest, I thought for sure I was finally getting the sister I always wanted. Not so much. As it turns out, I was supposed to be a sister to all brothers and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

 

 And now for my awardees. I can't promise to make it to 15.

1. Bethany Jayne

2. Becky

3. Jenni

4. Mrs. B

5. MelissaMcMommy

6. Lovey

 

BFH?

How's Big Fat Hormonal sound?

I think I have just turned into one complete ball of hormones and I don't know what to do.

Remember the post earlier this week about my unreasonable emotions? They aren't going away. And today it occurred to me.

I feel like I do when I am PMS'ing or my period has actually showed.

Everybody and everything is annoying me--I actually bitched about something at work today that I don't normally bitch about and to someone I normally wouldn't bitch about it to. I'm weepy over stupid crap like people not wanting to come to my party or not RSVP'ing. I am craving bad food--like greasy Mexican and tonight I have an inexplicable desire for a Coke.

I think all these months have just been building up to make me one big, fat, raging ball of hormones.

I feel sorry for The Hubby if this continues, especially if it is a permanant thing.

I keep wondering if my hormones are all messed up since I'm not real sure of anything this cycle. Nothing about my period made sense. Nothing about ovulation made sense. So, I guess PMS decided to come early too? I'm going to go with that's a good thing. Then maybe my LP will be short so we can just move on.

But, seriously, say a prayer for The Hubby. He always jokes he should take a week-long vacation once a month. I don't want him to have to go for two weeks.

3DPO? I Don't Think So. (And a Funny.)

Fertility Friend seems to think I ovulated on Monday. While I agree my temps seem to indicate that, I'm just not buying it.

I got a negative OPK Monday morning (and got rather pissy about it) then a positive Monday afternoon followed by two positives on Tuesday. EWCM through Wednesday (I haven't yet checked today). So how in the hell would I have ovulated on Monday--CD13; CD14 is usually the earliest?

I don't think it's right.

And my temps have been very different this cycle. Way lower than usual. I know there is no value in comparing things like that from cycle to cycle but I'm fairly consistent. It could be the fact that I've ramped up my working out. About 5 or 6 months ago, I did the same thing with hard consistent workouts and found the same thing with my temps. so maybe.

At any rate, I'm already calling the cycle a bust. I just didn't have it in me this time. I'm feeling very crappy and out of sorts with the whole TTC process so I didn't put forth a great amount of thought and energy. I didn't even want to temp. If it wasn't for the fact that I am so good about waking up to an alarm it probably wouldn't have happened. I used OPKs, but we only managed sex on one day of the positives (that did just so happen to be the day FF thinks I O'd, but I'm not banking on the success of that) and one other time during what might have been the fertile window.

So, I'll go ahead and officially say I'm in the 2ww. I will continue temping the next fews days just to see if the CHs (crosshairs) move on the chart, but after that, I think the thermometer will go away again.

And the funny. Conversation in my house yesterday morning:

M: There will be sex happening in this house today.
TH: Maybe if your good.
M: Oh? What do you want?
TH: You have to pay my ass.
M (after thinking for a few minutes): Five dollars.
TH: What?! $7.50.
TH: $6.75?
M--raised eyebrows.
TH: $6.25?
M: Deal.

Cheap, huh? I even stopped and got cash on the way home. (Due to a medical issue, the deal did not go through, but I'll be keeping this in mind for next time.)

Yeah, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do.

Unreasonably

Unreasonably cranky.

Unreasonably pissy.

Unreasonably weepy.

Unreasonably bitchy.

Unreasonably sad.

Unreasonably angry.

Unreasonably violent.

Unreasonably.

I have no reason to be any of these things. Yesterday, I got pissed off, cried, and threw a pillow over a TV. Seriously.

I think part of the issue is being mad at myself. My sweet friend MillerMama had some kind words on the subject and I'm trying to take them to heart, but it's hard. I'm mad at myself for not feeling the need to be more proactive in the testing department. I don't know why I feel so stuck on the subject, but I do.  I feel like I almost don't have the right to feel all of the above if I'm not going to do something about it.

I don't know what holds me back. I'll get there. Really. I will.

I also feel like I'm holding back too much. This blog was supposed to be for me to get out my feelings and emotions. I felt like I needed an outlet besides the message boards or my friends or The Hubby. If people read, great. If not, fine. I love having readers. I like feeling like I am putting a message out there besides just my own bitching and griping. Maybe I'm not, but I like to feel like I am.

But, I'm afraid some days that I'm a bit too depressing for my readers. And that holds me back sometimes when it comes to what I have to say.

So, here's the deal, readers: I'm not actually depressed. I know some of what I can say can make you feel that I'm depressed or that I'm making you depressed. But, it's really just a lot of emotions--most of which I listed up at the top of this post. Unfortunately, it is hard to find a lot of fun, funny, cute stories when it comes to TTC, so I have to put out there what I have--even if that means showing every emotion I have the moment I have it (quick--name that movie I sort of quoted!).

I actually feel better today--it's amazing what positive OPKs do for the outlook. And the roller coaster continues.

This Ain't No River in Egypt

de·ni·al

/dɪˈnaɪəl/[dih-nahy-uhl]

–noun

1.

an assertion that something said, believed, alleged, etc., is false: Despite his denials, we knew he had taken the purse. The politician issued a denial of his opponent's charges.

2.

refusal to believe a doctrine, theory, or the like.

3.

disbelief in the existence or reality of a thing.

4.

the refusal to satisfy a claim, request, desire, etc., or the refusal of a person making it.

5.

refusal to recognize or acknowledge; a disowning or disavowal: the traitor's denial of his country; Peter's denial of Christ.

6.

Law . refusal to acknowledge the validity of a claim, suit, or the like; a plea that denies allegations of fact in an adversary's plea: Although she sued for libel, he entered a general denial.

7.

sacrifice of one's own wants or needs; self-denial.

8.

Psychology . an unconscious defense mechanism used to reduce anxiety by denying thoughts, feelings, or facts that are consciously intolerable.

 

Yeah, I think Number 8 there about sums it up.

 

I've been sitting on another post for nearly a week now. It's about my future and where I feel our TTC path is going. But this sort of ties in.

 

I think I've said before that I feel like parts of me are in denial about what's happening. Like, it doesn't feel like it's been this long. Or it doesn't seem like it could really be real that we are having trouble TTC. And it's really amusing that I feel that way.

 

One of the reasons we decided to go ahead and start when we did was this deep-seeded feeling I had that I would have trouble. I suppose I was a bit predisposed to that given that I was so very well aware of my mother's troubles when trying to conceive my brother. And I think I also felt like it was something I wanted too much. That I couldn't possibly be lucky enough to get something I wanted so much easily. That's just not me.

 

But, in the back of mind, I think I thought the opposite would be true. I think I thought that just because I thought it wouldn't happen right away and because maybe, just maybe, we weren't 100% "there," that Murphy's Law had to come into effect.

 

Of course, this is me. My life doesn't work that way.

 

Denial.

 

So, I went through my year of quietly trying. I charted, so I knew I was ovulating. I hit a year ready to go. Let's see what the hell is going on. And I did that first test--the god-awful HSG. And that was clear. And I listened to my doctor and her nurse and people on the internet who said that sometimes that test can "clear out the cobwebs" and maybe I'd be pregnant. In the back of mind, I knew that wouldn't happen, but I didn't press for more.

 

Denial.

 

And here I am nearly 4 months after that test. Not pregnant. Not really pushing for the tests. Using excuses like time or I don't even know what.

 

I just can't seem to wrap my brain around it. I don't want it to be real.

 

And I'm afraid.

 

I'm afraid there is something really wrong with me. I'm afraid something is wrong with The Hubby, which would devestate him. I'm afraid too much information and too many choices. I'm afraid of doing the wrong thing. I'm afraid of not doing enough. I'm afraid of the money.

 

So, basically I suck at this. And I feel like a hypocrit for giving advice. And I feel like a pansy for not taking charge and making things happen.

 

I want to bury my head in the sand and keep plugging along as is even knowing that clearly will not get me pregnant.

 

Yep, just put me on that boat and send me down the river. I've never been to Egypt.