Gone

August 25.

One month, two days.

It feels like all time exists after that day.

Life as we knew it will never be the same.

The Hubby and I have a group of friends. And seemingly odd collection of friends with seemingly not a much in common - except maybe a love of poker. But we're friends, almost a dysfunctional family at times. It seems, though, that you don't really realize what you've got until something big happens. Very big.

One of our friends, one of The Hubby's best friends, took his own life.

The aftermath has been the most difficult, the most surreal thing I have ever dealt with. Period.

Anything else I write at this point is more than I need to cover here, although, I want to put it out there that this person suffered from clinical depression - it is very important to me that people are aware of this and understand that depression is a sickness and that he is not judged by this act.

I had to get this post out there, though, because, as I said, I feel like everything in my life now takes place post that event. So, everything in my life is now colored by what happened - including getting pregnant.

This happened 2DPO last cycle. I managed to get a couple of days worth of temps in to confirm O then put away the thermometer. We weren't getting much sleep and I just didn't want to deal with the whole process. Once this cycle came, I nearly didn't even bother temping because I my heart was not even into trying. (I did decide to temp. just so I would have an idea of where I was in the cycle at th end; and we did sort of try, but I just didn't push timing.)

TTC has taken on such a mixture of emotions. On the one hand, the desire for a child has almost intensified (I also blame some of that on hitting the two year mark) - which I did not think possible. But on the other, the process has started to feel so ridiculous and pointless (also a possible side effect of the two ear mark).

I think I may have sort of lost where I was going with this post other than to get out there what has been going on because things have changed for me. I don't fully know how, but they have. And by getting this out here, I can hopefully move on in terms of this blog and maybe TTC.