I'm decorating the house for Christmas today.
It's one of my very favorite things to do in the world. I love Christmas. I love the music, the lights, the weather, smells, the colors. You name it I ove it.
This year, I feel like I'm putting a little more into it. I'm making lists of things I need to "fill in" the gaps in my decoration and have every intention of actually making the purchases.
The Hubby even seems into it more than usual. He was practically giddy on the way home from Thanksgiving dinner know that the next day was decoration day (which got delayed 2 days due to my illness). He happily helped move furniture to make room for the tree, brought the tree in from garage without a grumble, and hasn't rolled one eye at my Christmas bear collection.
It has been a very good day in our house.
Until I hung the stockings.
Still only 5--one for each of us, one for each of the furbabies, and one for our angel furbaby.
But not one for a baby.
Decorating last year, I wondered how I would rearrange things to make room for a 6th stocking this year. It never occurred to me that I would be approaching this next Christmas still TTC and still without the need for a new stocking. I really thought I would have an infant or, at the very least, be pregnant this Christmas.
It hit me hard. But, I did manage to hold back the tears. I didn't want to ruin the mood and I didn't want to upset the hubby. He's got so much hope right now that this cycle is it. I keep getting caught up in that even though my practical side is trying to fight it. It's so early and I've been disappointed so many times.
Maybe by Christmas, we'll have reason to go buy a new stocking. I probably wouldn't, but the thought that it is still a possiblity gives me hope.
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Friday, November 26, 2010
Sick Sex
It's called dedication.
I have been slowly getting sicker all week. Sore throat started Monday night. Took a some cold meds. Sex.
Fever Tuesday. Better Wednesday but late night made us both two tired for sex despite the positive OPK.
Then came Thursday. Thanksgiving. Negative OPK. So, that meant today ir Friday were probably it. But we also had to get up and I had to pretend not to feel like crap for Turkey Day, which would inevidibly make me feel worse
But I was determined. And, thanks to a renewed passion to succced by the hubby, he was a willing party despite my ickiness.
So, it was after midnight (in other words Friday morning) when the hubby made it to bed and since my temp was up this morning, we may have missed the window.
But, by God, we did it.
And all I can say is that is determination and dedication to the cause.
So it damn well better have worked!
I have been slowly getting sicker all week. Sore throat started Monday night. Took a some cold meds. Sex.
Fever Tuesday. Better Wednesday but late night made us both two tired for sex despite the positive OPK.
Then came Thursday. Thanksgiving. Negative OPK. So, that meant today ir Friday were probably it. But we also had to get up and I had to pretend not to feel like crap for Turkey Day, which would inevidibly make me feel worse
But I was determined. And, thanks to a renewed passion to succced by the hubby, he was a willing party despite my ickiness.
So, it was after midnight (in other words Friday morning) when the hubby made it to bed and since my temp was up this morning, we may have missed the window.
But, by God, we did it.
And all I can say is that is determination and dedication to the cause.
So it damn well better have worked!
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Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Product Review: Evening Primrose Oil
As I mentioned a few days back, one of my "things I'm doing different" this cycle is taking Evening Primrose Oil (EPO). The reason for this is I had heard from many ladies on The Bump that it helped increase EWCM.
Let me tell you, it does!
Because I'm not all "sciencey" (I'm a copy editor, I get to make up words like that), so I will provide a link to a site that will give some insight into the supplement and how it works.
So, I started taking it on CD4 (or 4, now I can't remember). The bottle says to take 3 a day (these are 1,000mg capsules), but I've only been taking 2. I take them at night before bed along with my prenatal vitamin.
As per my norm, I started with watery CM a day or so after my period ended, actually had some spotting with the watery CM one day. But, much to my surprise, instead of dry or creamy CM after a few days of watery as usual, I went to EWCM on CD 10. Normally, I don't start seeing any until at least CD12, later the past few months.
Starting in July, I believe, I noticed considerably less EWCM than I had experienced in the past. This had never been an issue for me, even before I started drinking green tea, which also is supposed to help with EWCM. But since July, I have had maybe one day of EWCM and sometimes that was questionable. I drank water, drank green, and nothing.
I also bought PreSeed to try this cycle, but have yet to need to break it out. I figure why pull out the "fake" stuff when I've got so much natural to work with?
I just wanted to throw in a little update on that--Jen, mostly for you since you asked!
Of course, I have no say of knowing right now if it will help me actually get pregnant, but it has definitely done what it was supposed to and I am VERY happy about that!
Oh, and I got a positive OPK this afternoon on CD12--earliest one I've ever gotten. So, pretty excited about that to (funny how positive OPKs are the one thing I still get excited about in this whole process). Bring on the ovulation!
Let me tell you, it does!
Because I'm not all "sciencey" (I'm a copy editor, I get to make up words like that), so I will provide a link to a site that will give some insight into the supplement and how it works.
So, I started taking it on CD4 (or 4, now I can't remember). The bottle says to take 3 a day (these are 1,000mg capsules), but I've only been taking 2. I take them at night before bed along with my prenatal vitamin.
As per my norm, I started with watery CM a day or so after my period ended, actually had some spotting with the watery CM one day. But, much to my surprise, instead of dry or creamy CM after a few days of watery as usual, I went to EWCM on CD 10. Normally, I don't start seeing any until at least CD12, later the past few months.
Starting in July, I believe, I noticed considerably less EWCM than I had experienced in the past. This had never been an issue for me, even before I started drinking green tea, which also is supposed to help with EWCM. But since July, I have had maybe one day of EWCM and sometimes that was questionable. I drank water, drank green, and nothing.
I also bought PreSeed to try this cycle, but have yet to need to break it out. I figure why pull out the "fake" stuff when I've got so much natural to work with?
I just wanted to throw in a little update on that--Jen, mostly for you since you asked!
Of course, I have no say of knowing right now if it will help me actually get pregnant, but it has definitely done what it was supposed to and I am VERY happy about that!
Oh, and I got a positive OPK this afternoon on CD12--earliest one I've ever gotten. So, pretty excited about that to (funny how positive OPKs are the one thing I still get excited about in this whole process). Bring on the ovulation!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Such a Bitch
Me, that is.
I feel horrible.
I need to admit something here that I have only admitted to one person. I have been "preparing" myself to make happy faces for a pregnancy announcement.
As Thanksgiving draws closer and I still am not pregnant, I have been very afraid of my cousin, who started trying in May-ish, announcing her pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I will genuinely be happy but as anyone who has struggled knows, there are still mixed emotions.
So, I've been preparing myself for a couple if weeks now so that when it happens, I will react appropriately.
Today, I feel like crap. I told my mom what I've been doing. And she told me my cousin had been having problems. We don't know any details past she's had to be put on birth control to regulate things.
How selfish am I? Here I have been just assuming she'd get pregnant right away. And all I could think about is how I would react.
Th other thing that sucks is I had just reached a point where I was thinking how cool it would be for us to be pregnant and have babies together. I have been thinking that maybe it would bring us closer and how much the family would love it.
Now, I find out we have this other bond and it is one I don't want to have. Despite what you might think based on what I've said in this post, the minute I found out she was trying, I prayed she would not have any issues even if that meant she got pregnant before me. I could just never wish how I feel and what I have gone through on anyone, let alone family.
So, now I know we have this in common. And clearly she is under a doctor's care. And now I don't know what to do.
Do I talk to her? Do I ignore it? I'm a talker and would love if someone in a similar situation wanted to talk but would she feel the same? But would she be afraid to approach me?
Infertility sucks.
I feel horrible.
I need to admit something here that I have only admitted to one person. I have been "preparing" myself to make happy faces for a pregnancy announcement.
As Thanksgiving draws closer and I still am not pregnant, I have been very afraid of my cousin, who started trying in May-ish, announcing her pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I will genuinely be happy but as anyone who has struggled knows, there are still mixed emotions.
So, I've been preparing myself for a couple if weeks now so that when it happens, I will react appropriately.
Today, I feel like crap. I told my mom what I've been doing. And she told me my cousin had been having problems. We don't know any details past she's had to be put on birth control to regulate things.
How selfish am I? Here I have been just assuming she'd get pregnant right away. And all I could think about is how I would react.
Th other thing that sucks is I had just reached a point where I was thinking how cool it would be for us to be pregnant and have babies together. I have been thinking that maybe it would bring us closer and how much the family would love it.
Now, I find out we have this other bond and it is one I don't want to have. Despite what you might think based on what I've said in this post, the minute I found out she was trying, I prayed she would not have any issues even if that meant she got pregnant before me. I could just never wish how I feel and what I have gone through on anyone, let alone family.
So, now I know we have this in common. And clearly she is under a doctor's care. And now I don't know what to do.
Do I talk to her? Do I ignore it? I'm a talker and would love if someone in a similar situation wanted to talk but would she feel the same? But would she be afraid to approach me?
Infertility sucks.
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Sunday, November 21, 2010
What Is the Answer?
No, not to that question.
I know there is no secret answer to how to get pregnant. Trust me, I'd have found it by now.
The question: how do we make people understand? Correction. How do we help people understand?
That one may be just as hard to answer.
People do not understand infertility. Actually, many people don't even understand simply trying to get pregnant. At least, not in my experience.
So, they say things like "relax and it'll happen" or "you should have kids by now" or "what's taking you so long" or "my mother's cousin's friend tried for years and as soon as they adopted, they were pregnant." Or they offer helpful advice like "oh, you should use those those ovulation predictors" or "you should take a vacation" or "do you elevate your hips after sex?" or "have sex on the 14th day of your cycle."
These are all the words of someone who has never had to try to get pregnant--whether they had an unplanned or planned pregnancy.
(I want to make it VERY clear right here that there is absolutely 100% NO judgement from me on the unplanned pregnancy front. Every baby is a blessing and every baby is put on this earth by God for a purpose. And I have a lot of people in my life who are the results of uplanned pregnancies and I would never wish that any of them were not here.)
Relaxing, even if you are not diagnosed with infertility will not make you pregnant. Elevating hips? A myth. Sex on CD 14--biggest TTC myth on the planet. Adoption? That's an awfully expensive way to ensure pregnancy. Ovulation predictors? One, they don't work for everyone, and two, a positive does not actually ensure ovulation. I should have kids by now? No freaking kidding--want to also pour salt and lemon juice on that open wound? Why is it taking so long? If I could answer that, I'd have a baby by now.
Problem is most of the time when people say these things they either don't know we are trying, don't mean anything by it at all, and/or don't know we are struggling. So, how can I possibly be mad. Hurt, yes. Mad, seems irrational. But, it happens.
My friend (who was pregnant within 2 to 3 months of trying) didn't mean anything by her comment to someone the other day "oh, you must have kids." That twisted the knife a little. Because, you know, someone without kids could never have thought to make a purse that was washable and had removeable pieces for washing. The comment was not directed at me nor did it have anything to do with my struggles nor should I have even given it a second thought. But, I did.
My brother, father through an unplanned pregnancy (see above; this is just for informational purposes), asks if we planned on trying or had been. I simply said we have been. He then continues to joke around having fun practicing and such. Yeah, that went out the window a long time ago.
My grandmother said to me a few months back "Oh, there's no hurry. You have plenty of time." This was on Mother's Day. Bless her heart, I know all she was trying to do was help me not feel bad and not be upset about it. But, I'd already been trying for 7 months and I had already his the point where I'd be 33, at least, by the time a baby was born. Time not so much a nonfactor.
So, back to my question. How to we help people understand? How do we make them see what's going on?
For me, the answer is I don't.
Most of the people in my life know that we are trying. Some may not realize for how long. Many may not realize the effects it is having on me. And that's not really their fault. I'm pretty much the queen of putting on a smile and making it through.
Occasionally I crack. Like the day I'm fairly certain my friend caught whatever emotions were dancing across my face as we sat through a baby shower at work--the same day I had gotten the BFN, which I had told her about.
More often, I don't talk about it. I'm afraid to. Sometimes I want to talk about, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the pity. I've seen it in people's faces. I'm afraid the brushoff because people don't know what to say. I'm afraid they'll stop including me, which is the last thing I want. I'm afraid of being seen as bitter or sad or depressed.
On the flip side, people don't say the right things or they just say nothing at all. Especially when they know I am struggling. I don't think they know what to say. They don't want to offend or upset. Or they don't know what to ask or what the protocol is.
The thing is I don't know what the protocol is.
And so the circle continues. And that is why I don't have the answer to my question.
I know society as a whole should have a better understanding of this subject. But, they don't. And I can honestly say that I don't think all the understanding in the world would make it better.
Like I said before, many of the things that are said or not said are not coming from a bad place. They are not meant to hurt or offend. Often, they are not coming out of lack of full understanding (sometimes they are, but many times not).
People speak to what they know. Using OPKs word for some people. Not thinking about it works for some people. People have kids. They talk about them. Women are or have been pregnant. They talk about it.
All of these things tug at me. But, I can't stop every conversation to tell or remind people that I am not nor have I ever been but I really want to be pregnant.
Do I wish we lived in a world where everybody understood everybody else's feeling? Maybe. But, that's asking a lot. And I absolutely do not wish that every person had to go through what I and so many other couple are going through. Actually, on my more insightful days, I say a prayer that couple I know don't go through it and thank God that most of them haven't.
All I know is that people will continue to say things to me. I can dwell on it or I can move on. I can educate them or I can let them live in a world where these things don't exist. Neither response is wrong. Neither party is wrong.
TTC struggles and infertility are what they are.
They suck, but they are mine.
I know there is no secret answer to how to get pregnant. Trust me, I'd have found it by now.
The question: how do we make people understand? Correction. How do we help people understand?
That one may be just as hard to answer.
People do not understand infertility. Actually, many people don't even understand simply trying to get pregnant. At least, not in my experience.
So, they say things like "relax and it'll happen" or "you should have kids by now" or "what's taking you so long" or "my mother's cousin's friend tried for years and as soon as they adopted, they were pregnant." Or they offer helpful advice like "oh, you should use those those ovulation predictors" or "you should take a vacation" or "do you elevate your hips after sex?" or "have sex on the 14th day of your cycle."
These are all the words of someone who has never had to try to get pregnant--whether they had an unplanned or planned pregnancy.
(I want to make it VERY clear right here that there is absolutely 100% NO judgement from me on the unplanned pregnancy front. Every baby is a blessing and every baby is put on this earth by God for a purpose. And I have a lot of people in my life who are the results of uplanned pregnancies and I would never wish that any of them were not here.)
Relaxing, even if you are not diagnosed with infertility will not make you pregnant. Elevating hips? A myth. Sex on CD 14--biggest TTC myth on the planet. Adoption? That's an awfully expensive way to ensure pregnancy. Ovulation predictors? One, they don't work for everyone, and two, a positive does not actually ensure ovulation. I should have kids by now? No freaking kidding--want to also pour salt and lemon juice on that open wound? Why is it taking so long? If I could answer that, I'd have a baby by now.
Problem is most of the time when people say these things they either don't know we are trying, don't mean anything by it at all, and/or don't know we are struggling. So, how can I possibly be mad. Hurt, yes. Mad, seems irrational. But, it happens.
My friend (who was pregnant within 2 to 3 months of trying) didn't mean anything by her comment to someone the other day "oh, you must have kids." That twisted the knife a little. Because, you know, someone without kids could never have thought to make a purse that was washable and had removeable pieces for washing. The comment was not directed at me nor did it have anything to do with my struggles nor should I have even given it a second thought. But, I did.
My brother, father through an unplanned pregnancy (see above; this is just for informational purposes), asks if we planned on trying or had been. I simply said we have been. He then continues to joke around having fun practicing and such. Yeah, that went out the window a long time ago.
My grandmother said to me a few months back "Oh, there's no hurry. You have plenty of time." This was on Mother's Day. Bless her heart, I know all she was trying to do was help me not feel bad and not be upset about it. But, I'd already been trying for 7 months and I had already his the point where I'd be 33, at least, by the time a baby was born. Time not so much a nonfactor.
So, back to my question. How to we help people understand? How do we make them see what's going on?
For me, the answer is I don't.
Most of the people in my life know that we are trying. Some may not realize for how long. Many may not realize the effects it is having on me. And that's not really their fault. I'm pretty much the queen of putting on a smile and making it through.
Occasionally I crack. Like the day I'm fairly certain my friend caught whatever emotions were dancing across my face as we sat through a baby shower at work--the same day I had gotten the BFN, which I had told her about.
More often, I don't talk about it. I'm afraid to. Sometimes I want to talk about, but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of the pity. I've seen it in people's faces. I'm afraid the brushoff because people don't know what to say. I'm afraid they'll stop including me, which is the last thing I want. I'm afraid of being seen as bitter or sad or depressed.
On the flip side, people don't say the right things or they just say nothing at all. Especially when they know I am struggling. I don't think they know what to say. They don't want to offend or upset. Or they don't know what to ask or what the protocol is.
The thing is I don't know what the protocol is.
And so the circle continues. And that is why I don't have the answer to my question.
I know society as a whole should have a better understanding of this subject. But, they don't. And I can honestly say that I don't think all the understanding in the world would make it better.
Like I said before, many of the things that are said or not said are not coming from a bad place. They are not meant to hurt or offend. Often, they are not coming out of lack of full understanding (sometimes they are, but many times not).
People speak to what they know. Using OPKs word for some people. Not thinking about it works for some people. People have kids. They talk about them. Women are or have been pregnant. They talk about it.
All of these things tug at me. But, I can't stop every conversation to tell or remind people that I am not nor have I ever been but I really want to be pregnant.
Do I wish we lived in a world where everybody understood everybody else's feeling? Maybe. But, that's asking a lot. And I absolutely do not wish that every person had to go through what I and so many other couple are going through. Actually, on my more insightful days, I say a prayer that couple I know don't go through it and thank God that most of them haven't.
All I know is that people will continue to say things to me. I can dwell on it or I can move on. I can educate them or I can let them live in a world where these things don't exist. Neither response is wrong. Neither party is wrong.
TTC struggles and infertility are what they are.
They suck, but they are mine.
Cycle 15 and A Sorta New Plan
So, yeah, Cycle 15 sucks.
I thought I was going to be okay, but it keeps sneaking up on me. Last Saturday, I had a maybe 30 minutes of being really sad then I was pretty much done. I moved on to being pissed at myself for thinking earlier in the day that there was any hope for the cycle and for testing early at 9DPO (for the hubby's bday). Then, I just hurt. Horrible, awful, almost doubled over in pain cramping.
Alcohol helped.
But, by Sunday, I really felt okay. I made a resolution to not let myself dwell past Saturday night and I didn't. I got up, I went shopping for some new clothes, I attempted to clean the house. I just had a day. Now, I will admit that the clothes shopping might have been a bit of retail therapy--I've put on quite a bit of weight since TTC after losing quite a bit prior to that and I have had trouble getting off and have just been putting off buying clothes. I think that might have been contributing to how crappy I've been feeling all the time.
The hubby was particularly awesome this time. He was very sympathetic and upset himself. He said he'd "f#!* my brains out," so I'm going to try to take him up on that. He balked at the idea of going EOD (every other day) until ovulation is confirmed, but we're going to try. Luckily, I am off the entire week of Thanksgiving and then he'll be off for four days, so I'm hoping the relaxed, not having to get up at 4:30am every day will help us out in the that department.
So, yeah, we're going to try a few things this time. One being the sex. I have also started taking Evening Primrose Oil. Some research shows that it helps increase fertle CM, which I've been having some issues with. I also purchased PreSeed--a lube that mimics fertile CM. A lot of women I know have gotten pregnant the first month using it. We'll see.
What we are not doing is more testing. Te hubby was finally at a place where if I had pushed more, he'd have done an SA. And I had already resolved to do bloodwork on CD3. But, CD3 was a Monday, which meant calling the doctor and getting it set up for THAT day. Normally not an issue, but work was so crazy last week that I just couldn't do it. So, instead I made the decision to hold off on everything until after the first of the year.
I figure, the end of Cycle 15 will be just before Christmas and I just really don't want to ruin the holidays (and my birthday, 2 days after Christmas) with any possible bad news. We will try these next two cycles to have more and better timed sex, hope for the best, and start "fresh" in January.
Well, there's the plan. Here's to moving on and moving forward.
I thought I was going to be okay, but it keeps sneaking up on me. Last Saturday, I had a maybe 30 minutes of being really sad then I was pretty much done. I moved on to being pissed at myself for thinking earlier in the day that there was any hope for the cycle and for testing early at 9DPO (for the hubby's bday). Then, I just hurt. Horrible, awful, almost doubled over in pain cramping.
Alcohol helped.
But, by Sunday, I really felt okay. I made a resolution to not let myself dwell past Saturday night and I didn't. I got up, I went shopping for some new clothes, I attempted to clean the house. I just had a day. Now, I will admit that the clothes shopping might have been a bit of retail therapy--I've put on quite a bit of weight since TTC after losing quite a bit prior to that and I have had trouble getting off and have just been putting off buying clothes. I think that might have been contributing to how crappy I've been feeling all the time.
The hubby was particularly awesome this time. He was very sympathetic and upset himself. He said he'd "f#!* my brains out," so I'm going to try to take him up on that. He balked at the idea of going EOD (every other day) until ovulation is confirmed, but we're going to try. Luckily, I am off the entire week of Thanksgiving and then he'll be off for four days, so I'm hoping the relaxed, not having to get up at 4:30am every day will help us out in the that department.
So, yeah, we're going to try a few things this time. One being the sex. I have also started taking Evening Primrose Oil. Some research shows that it helps increase fertle CM, which I've been having some issues with. I also purchased PreSeed--a lube that mimics fertile CM. A lot of women I know have gotten pregnant the first month using it. We'll see.
What we are not doing is more testing. Te hubby was finally at a place where if I had pushed more, he'd have done an SA. And I had already resolved to do bloodwork on CD3. But, CD3 was a Monday, which meant calling the doctor and getting it set up for THAT day. Normally not an issue, but work was so crazy last week that I just couldn't do it. So, instead I made the decision to hold off on everything until after the first of the year.
I figure, the end of Cycle 15 will be just before Christmas and I just really don't want to ruin the holidays (and my birthday, 2 days after Christmas) with any possible bad news. We will try these next two cycles to have more and better timed sex, hope for the best, and start "fresh" in January.
Well, there's the plan. Here's to moving on and moving forward.
Well That Stings
I love our friends. Really. But sometimes I really wish they just knew or understood.
Playing poker tonight, someone jokes "hey, your clock should be ticking."
I didn't have it in me to respond or even laugh.
He didn't mean anything by it. And I'm certain he has forgotten that he once knew we are trying.
But ut made me feel broken.
I am of a certain age and it is no secret that I badly want children.
So, yeah, my clock sure as hell is ticking.
And there is nothing I seem to be able to do to stop it.
Playing poker tonight, someone jokes "hey, your clock should be ticking."
I didn't have it in me to respond or even laugh.
He didn't mean anything by it. And I'm certain he has forgotten that he once knew we are trying.
But ut made me feel broken.
I am of a certain age and it is no secret that I badly want children.
So, yeah, my clock sure as hell is ticking.
And there is nothing I seem to be able to do to stop it.
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Saturday, November 13, 2010
Out
Not even an hour after the last post I discovered that once againg my body had been playing a cruel joke on me.
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CD28, 12DPO
Not sure where I'm at today emotionally. And this post is a whole lot of rambling and a whole lot of me just putting my thoughts to "page" so that they will maybe get out of my head.
I've pretty much felt detached from this cycle. I think it's just my mindset that I've been through it all before, so I can't even make myself get hopeful. And I've had a lot going on: my dad's health and mental state are not in good places and he's in another state, our baby boy (Raspy, our 5-year-old doxie) has been having back issues again--he had surgery for a ruptured disc last year, work is insane, the hubby was not feeling so great about his birthday. So, there are distractions and maybe that's why I haven't been as anxious.
But, here I sit at CD28 and 12DPO. CD28 always pulls at me because I was so set that my cycles were 28 days long for years. And before birth control, I think they probably were that. But, maybe not. Since charting, I have come to realize that I probably wasn't always counting my days correctly and that I might have been off a day or two here and there without realizing. And I certainly learned that I don't always, and in fact rarely, ovulate on CD 14.
But, still, I always wonder about CD28. As a matter of fact, according to Fertility Friend, that is my average. But, I've alway had 29, 30, and 31 day cycles. So, can't REALLY put much stock into the day.
At 12DPO, I'm still a day away from my average and 2 days away from my longest LP. This is the hardest part of the 2ww if you are not an early tester. You start wondering if it would really be too early to test or right on.
And then there are symptoms. I usually have them. A lot of them, really. My boobs are usually killing me right about now. I've usually got some type of cramping going on. And I usually crave carbs. Those are my standards. Nada. I don't really track irritability and emotions because these days, those are a constant at any point in my cycle. Skin breakout is hit or miss, though I have noticed back acne, my head is breaking out really bad, and the back of my neck is breaking out.
Oh, and the temps. They've stayed up. The lowest was still .20 above coverline. But, I don't know how to read them. I have had 4 temps during this 2ww that technically should indicate a fever. But, I'm not sick. I don't feel feverish. If I wasn't temping, I would never guess my temp was that high.
I don't really feel the urge to test. I think I've just been let down so many times that I just don't believe it could actually happen.
But, I sure do hate when my cycles don't go as I expect.
Makes my mind go places.
But, I will wait.
I'm thinking Tuesday.
That will 15DPO. I've never gone that long.
So, yeah, thinking Tuesday will be "D-Day."
I've pretty much felt detached from this cycle. I think it's just my mindset that I've been through it all before, so I can't even make myself get hopeful. And I've had a lot going on: my dad's health and mental state are not in good places and he's in another state, our baby boy (Raspy, our 5-year-old doxie) has been having back issues again--he had surgery for a ruptured disc last year, work is insane, the hubby was not feeling so great about his birthday. So, there are distractions and maybe that's why I haven't been as anxious.
But, here I sit at CD28 and 12DPO. CD28 always pulls at me because I was so set that my cycles were 28 days long for years. And before birth control, I think they probably were that. But, maybe not. Since charting, I have come to realize that I probably wasn't always counting my days correctly and that I might have been off a day or two here and there without realizing. And I certainly learned that I don't always, and in fact rarely, ovulate on CD 14.
But, still, I always wonder about CD28. As a matter of fact, according to Fertility Friend, that is my average. But, I've alway had 29, 30, and 31 day cycles. So, can't REALLY put much stock into the day.
At 12DPO, I'm still a day away from my average and 2 days away from my longest LP. This is the hardest part of the 2ww if you are not an early tester. You start wondering if it would really be too early to test or right on.
And then there are symptoms. I usually have them. A lot of them, really. My boobs are usually killing me right about now. I've usually got some type of cramping going on. And I usually crave carbs. Those are my standards. Nada. I don't really track irritability and emotions because these days, those are a constant at any point in my cycle. Skin breakout is hit or miss, though I have noticed back acne, my head is breaking out really bad, and the back of my neck is breaking out.
Oh, and the temps. They've stayed up. The lowest was still .20 above coverline. But, I don't know how to read them. I have had 4 temps during this 2ww that technically should indicate a fever. But, I'm not sick. I don't feel feverish. If I wasn't temping, I would never guess my temp was that high.
I don't really feel the urge to test. I think I've just been let down so many times that I just don't believe it could actually happen.
But, I sure do hate when my cycles don't go as I expect.
Makes my mind go places.
But, I will wait.
I'm thinking Tuesday.
That will 15DPO. I've never gone that long.
So, yeah, thinking Tuesday will be "D-Day."
Out of The Hubby's Mouth: Baby Tracker
"Hey, baby, a baby tracker!!"
So, the hubby has a knack for saying funny things. Things that make me laugh, make me roll my eyes, make me wonder why I married him, make me thank my lucky stars he married me.
Anyway, I thought it would be fun to share.
Today, while exploring his new phone (the brand new Windows phone--totally cool and I'm completely jealous even though I love my Android phone that is only a few months old), which is his first ever Smart Phone, he was looking through apps. From the other room, he yells the above phrase.
It amuses me when he says something, anything, about babies and babymaking.
So, the hubby has a knack for saying funny things. Things that make me laugh, make me roll my eyes, make me wonder why I married him, make me thank my lucky stars he married me.
Anyway, I thought it would be fun to share.
Today, while exploring his new phone (the brand new Windows phone--totally cool and I'm completely jealous even though I love my Android phone that is only a few months old), which is his first ever Smart Phone, he was looking through apps. From the other room, he yells the above phrase.
It amuses me when he says something, anything, about babies and babymaking.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
As Expected
Big Fat Negative.
I actually hit snooze too many times because I wanted so badly not to test. I knew it would be negative, so I really felt like I would be okay with it and, really, I was. But, the more time that passes (at about 3.5 hours now), the more I am reacting to it.
I'm not upset about the negative. It's really early, so I'm definitely not "out" yet. But, I'm angry at myself for testing. I hate testing early. Hate it, hate it, hate it. And this is why.
I think I hate it so much because I feel stupid. I feel stupid for hoping that maybe there will be some small chance that I am pregnant this time. That maybe, just this once, that I will get the cute story--oh, yeah, found out we are pregnant on the hubby's birthday; how awesome is that?!
But, no, that's not me. That's not my life. That's not how I will get pregnant. At this point, I feel so far removed from it that I can't even picture that moment.
See? Again, this is what happens. I'm way far from "out" of this cycle. I've got up to 4 more days before I'm out. But, because I took that stupid test, I'm all riled up. Convinced I'm out. Ready to just stop.
I really wanted it to be positive today. Really, really, really.
The hubby is feeling like he's not having a good birthday this year. So, I just really thought that maybe this was a sign that this would be it--what bette way to turn his birthday mood around?
::SIGH::
I'll get over it. Probably not today. Hopefully tomorrow.
Plastering on a smile and getting on with my day . . .
I actually hit snooze too many times because I wanted so badly not to test. I knew it would be negative, so I really felt like I would be okay with it and, really, I was. But, the more time that passes (at about 3.5 hours now), the more I am reacting to it.
I'm not upset about the negative. It's really early, so I'm definitely not "out" yet. But, I'm angry at myself for testing. I hate testing early. Hate it, hate it, hate it. And this is why.
I think I hate it so much because I feel stupid. I feel stupid for hoping that maybe there will be some small chance that I am pregnant this time. That maybe, just this once, that I will get the cute story--oh, yeah, found out we are pregnant on the hubby's birthday; how awesome is that?!
But, no, that's not me. That's not my life. That's not how I will get pregnant. At this point, I feel so far removed from it that I can't even picture that moment.
See? Again, this is what happens. I'm way far from "out" of this cycle. I've got up to 4 more days before I'm out. But, because I took that stupid test, I'm all riled up. Convinced I'm out. Ready to just stop.
I really wanted it to be positive today. Really, really, really.
The hubby is feeling like he's not having a good birthday this year. So, I just really thought that maybe this was a sign that this would be it--what bette way to turn his birthday mood around?
::SIGH::
I'll get over it. Probably not today. Hopefully tomorrow.
Plastering on a smile and getting on with my day . . .
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
The Great Debate: to Pee or Not to Pee
So, there is this great debate in the TTC world about when to POAS (pee on a stick, for future reference).
Do you start testing the first day you could possibly get a positive, usually 10DPO? Or do you wait until your period is actually late, usually 14DPO or later?
I am strictly on the side of waiting it out. Seeing a BFN (big fat negative), for me, is too crushing, even when it is early. And my body does a pretty good job of letting me know that I'm not pregnant each month, even before my period actually starts.
In the beginning, I tested a lot. I can't even think about how much money I wasted testing at various times, even when it was quite obvious my period would be starting any minute.
Then I started charting. And paying closer attention to my body. I know that my temps stay high until around 11DPO or 12DPO. Then they either plummet or slowly begin to drop. I know that my boobs can start to hurt or be a little tender anytime starting at 1DPO. I know that I have random cramping throughout the 2ww (two week wait--time between ovulation and period). I know that I can be irritable. I cry. My skin breaks out. I bloat. I even get gas. To many these are phantom symptoms. After so many months, I came to realize that these are just my PMS symptoms. When they happen every month, almost exactly the same, clearly, they are my normal PMS symptoms.
So, I'm a waiter and watcher. I have only POAS once (well, one cycle; two tests) in probably 8 months. That was Cycle 12, so coming to the year mark, and I was a little anxious. And that was the month my body decided to play tricks on me and actually give me my longest LP and cycle to date.
Now, here I sit and 8DPO. And I'm contemplating POAS this coming Thursday--10DPO.
Why would I break my cardinal rule? It's the hubby's birthday.
I have up on thinking about what finding we are pregnant in a certain month would coincide with. Or when our phantom EDD (estimated delivery date). That stopped being fun after awhile.
But, for some reason, I just feel like doing it this time. Maybe because I feel like we could use something really happy like that right now. And maybe because I really don't think I am, so in the back of my mind, I'm hoping maybe I'm wrong. And because I'm really not feeling this cycle and because it would be early, I just do not feel like I would be disappointed in the slightest if it is a BFN. And I certainly wouldn't tell the hubby unless it is a positive.
So, the great debate is going on in my head right now. I don't know what I'll do. If anything, I will buy one Dollar Tree test and that's it. If negative, no more testing unless I'm late.
Stay tuned . . .
Do you start testing the first day you could possibly get a positive, usually 10DPO? Or do you wait until your period is actually late, usually 14DPO or later?
I am strictly on the side of waiting it out. Seeing a BFN (big fat negative), for me, is too crushing, even when it is early. And my body does a pretty good job of letting me know that I'm not pregnant each month, even before my period actually starts.
In the beginning, I tested a lot. I can't even think about how much money I wasted testing at various times, even when it was quite obvious my period would be starting any minute.
Then I started charting. And paying closer attention to my body. I know that my temps stay high until around 11DPO or 12DPO. Then they either plummet or slowly begin to drop. I know that my boobs can start to hurt or be a little tender anytime starting at 1DPO. I know that I have random cramping throughout the 2ww (two week wait--time between ovulation and period). I know that I can be irritable. I cry. My skin breaks out. I bloat. I even get gas. To many these are phantom symptoms. After so many months, I came to realize that these are just my PMS symptoms. When they happen every month, almost exactly the same, clearly, they are my normal PMS symptoms.
So, I'm a waiter and watcher. I have only POAS once (well, one cycle; two tests) in probably 8 months. That was Cycle 12, so coming to the year mark, and I was a little anxious. And that was the month my body decided to play tricks on me and actually give me my longest LP and cycle to date.
Now, here I sit and 8DPO. And I'm contemplating POAS this coming Thursday--10DPO.
Why would I break my cardinal rule? It's the hubby's birthday.
I have up on thinking about what finding we are pregnant in a certain month would coincide with. Or when our phantom EDD (estimated delivery date). That stopped being fun after awhile.
But, for some reason, I just feel like doing it this time. Maybe because I feel like we could use something really happy like that right now. And maybe because I really don't think I am, so in the back of my mind, I'm hoping maybe I'm wrong. And because I'm really not feeling this cycle and because it would be early, I just do not feel like I would be disappointed in the slightest if it is a BFN. And I certainly wouldn't tell the hubby unless it is a positive.
So, the great debate is going on in my head right now. I don't know what I'll do. If anything, I will buy one Dollar Tree test and that's it. If negative, no more testing unless I'm late.
Stay tuned . . .
Monday, November 8, 2010
Smile and Nod
"So no niece for me yet? Tell my brother my girls need a playmate! They would love to have a cousin to share all their stuff with! Ps not a joke . . . "
Those words ended what had been a perfectly silly and fun text back-and-forth with my SIL.
It took me 5 minutes to respond.
I responded with a smiley face.
The text version of the "smile and nod."
She certainly didn't mean anything by it at all. She's 21. She's never had to try to have kids.
Comments in that vein are so common when you are a married woman of a certain age. All around you, women are pregnant and having babies. It's naturally assumed that you would want the same.
And, so, people comment.
Don't you want kids? No kids yet? When are you going to have kids? You need to get busy having kids.
Again, these people certainly mean no harm. They aren't trying to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad. And they certainly aren't trying to pry. And they definitely don't want the real answer to these questions.
Trust me, they really don't want me to answer these questions and comments with I would really like to say.
So, I smile and nod.
Or laugh it off.
Or give some flip answer.
Because I don't know how else to respond.
But that gets hard after awhile. You want to shake people and say "don't you get that, yes, I want kids, and no I definitely don't have them yet but thanks for that reminder, I'll have them when my body and God decide it's time, and I've 'getting busy' for a long damn time now."
That's what I want to say.
But people don't want to hear that. Even the people I am close to. Especially the people who don't understand my position. I wouldn't wish this part of the TTC process on anyone, so I'm happy that most of the people in my life are blissfully unaware and can kid about getting pregnant.
So, I smile and nod.
Those words ended what had been a perfectly silly and fun text back-and-forth with my SIL.
It took me 5 minutes to respond.
I responded with a smiley face.
The text version of the "smile and nod."
She certainly didn't mean anything by it at all. She's 21. She's never had to try to have kids.
Comments in that vein are so common when you are a married woman of a certain age. All around you, women are pregnant and having babies. It's naturally assumed that you would want the same.
And, so, people comment.
Don't you want kids? No kids yet? When are you going to have kids? You need to get busy having kids.
Again, these people certainly mean no harm. They aren't trying to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad. And they certainly aren't trying to pry. And they definitely don't want the real answer to these questions.
Trust me, they really don't want me to answer these questions and comments with I would really like to say.
So, I smile and nod.
Or laugh it off.
Or give some flip answer.
Because I don't know how else to respond.
But that gets hard after awhile. You want to shake people and say "don't you get that, yes, I want kids, and no I definitely don't have them yet but thanks for that reminder, I'll have them when my body and God decide it's time, and I've 'getting busy' for a long damn time now."
That's what I want to say.
But people don't want to hear that. Even the people I am close to. Especially the people who don't understand my position. I wouldn't wish this part of the TTC process on anyone, so I'm happy that most of the people in my life are blissfully unaware and can kid about getting pregnant.
So, I smile and nod.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
The Facebook Connection
This morning, a friend sent me an article from The Washington Post.
It's funny because I had already planned to write a little about how dealing with definitely not infertile friends while you are struggling. Facebook is a huge part of that.
I would say almost every day, often many times a day, there is something on Facebook that makes me sad or a little resentful or wistful. Or just plain reminds me.
These are odd feelings to have and really hard to describe.
When it is a good friend or family posting baby pictures or a cute/funny story, I'm good. I might have a second of "I can't wait for that" or "I wish I was at that place." But, mostly I'm good to comment on how cute the kiddos are or how funny the story is. Or tell a good friend that despite what she might be feeling as a new mommy, she's a good one.
When above said friend was in labor, I stayed on Facebook all day waiting for updates from her husband.
Am I wistful for it to be me? Absolutely. Am I a little jealous that she's getting this experience and I'm not yet. Absolutely. But, I love my friend and am so incredibly happy for her and thrilled to watch her turn into this amazing mommy.
Then there are the people I am friends with but don't necessarily know. You know, the people who you went to high school or college with and knew, but haven't had contact with in years. Those are the ones that start getting to be a bit much.
I'll admit to hiding one person recently when she started posting about being in the hospital in labor. I didn't need a play-by-play there. Said person had also managed to complain on Facebook quite a little bit during her pregnancy. That I couldn't handle. Sorry. Not when I would give anything to be in that place. So, just for that day, I didn't need to see that everytime I logged on.
The next day, I went to her page and posted a comment on how pretty her baby is. Just so you don't think I'm a monster. Ha.
And I'll admit a twinge today when another friend from high school posted about a sonogram his wife had. This is their third. I don't recall seeing that she was pregnant. Soon, Ashley, soon.
It's just hard some days to look on there and see that I am one of only a few friends from high school, college, even elementary school who doesn't have kids yet. I feel like a failure. I feel like they have to be wondering why I don't have kids. Yes, I occasionally am so self-absorbed that I actually think people who barely know me think that. Seriously. I give myself an eye-roll for that.
The Washington Post article starts out with Facebook posts that bug me the most. The "if you love your daughter/son post this" or "if you've given birth, post this." Those irk the living crap out of me. Makes me feel about 2" tall. I know that is not their intent, but they do. Maybe it's the people who post them, I don't know. But, they make me feel like crap.
So, while I will fully admit to the not-so-nice feelings I have about friends, babies, and Facebook, one thing I will also scream from the rooftops is that I don't care that people post these things.
I would never stop going to Facebook because of these posts or put down people who post sonogram pictures or baby bumps or update every status with a pregnancy or baby update. You know what? It's their life at that moment. And I will just go ahead and say right now, it will be my life when it happens for me and I will post sonogram pictures and baby bumps and pregnancy updates.
I might be a little more sensitive about what I post or how often simply because of what I've been through. But, the key words there are "because of what I've been through." My experiences have and will continue to shape how I view things, but these other people haven't experienced them, so I cannot possibly fault them for this.
So, I will continue to block when necessary and will have no problem if I ever get blocked. I will continue to comment on all the cute babies--because, really, they are; I've very lucky that all my friends and family have such cute kiddos--and funny stories.
And when my time comes, watch out!
It's funny because I had already planned to write a little about how dealing with definitely not infertile friends while you are struggling. Facebook is a huge part of that.
I would say almost every day, often many times a day, there is something on Facebook that makes me sad or a little resentful or wistful. Or just plain reminds me.
These are odd feelings to have and really hard to describe.
When it is a good friend or family posting baby pictures or a cute/funny story, I'm good. I might have a second of "I can't wait for that" or "I wish I was at that place." But, mostly I'm good to comment on how cute the kiddos are or how funny the story is. Or tell a good friend that despite what she might be feeling as a new mommy, she's a good one.
When above said friend was in labor, I stayed on Facebook all day waiting for updates from her husband.
Am I wistful for it to be me? Absolutely. Am I a little jealous that she's getting this experience and I'm not yet. Absolutely. But, I love my friend and am so incredibly happy for her and thrilled to watch her turn into this amazing mommy.
Then there are the people I am friends with but don't necessarily know. You know, the people who you went to high school or college with and knew, but haven't had contact with in years. Those are the ones that start getting to be a bit much.
I'll admit to hiding one person recently when she started posting about being in the hospital in labor. I didn't need a play-by-play there. Said person had also managed to complain on Facebook quite a little bit during her pregnancy. That I couldn't handle. Sorry. Not when I would give anything to be in that place. So, just for that day, I didn't need to see that everytime I logged on.
The next day, I went to her page and posted a comment on how pretty her baby is. Just so you don't think I'm a monster. Ha.
And I'll admit a twinge today when another friend from high school posted about a sonogram his wife had. This is their third. I don't recall seeing that she was pregnant. Soon, Ashley, soon.
It's just hard some days to look on there and see that I am one of only a few friends from high school, college, even elementary school who doesn't have kids yet. I feel like a failure. I feel like they have to be wondering why I don't have kids. Yes, I occasionally am so self-absorbed that I actually think people who barely know me think that. Seriously. I give myself an eye-roll for that.
The Washington Post article starts out with Facebook posts that bug me the most. The "if you love your daughter/son post this" or "if you've given birth, post this." Those irk the living crap out of me. Makes me feel about 2" tall. I know that is not their intent, but they do. Maybe it's the people who post them, I don't know. But, they make me feel like crap.
So, while I will fully admit to the not-so-nice feelings I have about friends, babies, and Facebook, one thing I will also scream from the rooftops is that I don't care that people post these things.
I would never stop going to Facebook because of these posts or put down people who post sonogram pictures or baby bumps or update every status with a pregnancy or baby update. You know what? It's their life at that moment. And I will just go ahead and say right now, it will be my life when it happens for me and I will post sonogram pictures and baby bumps and pregnancy updates.
I might be a little more sensitive about what I post or how often simply because of what I've been through. But, the key words there are "because of what I've been through." My experiences have and will continue to shape how I view things, but these other people haven't experienced them, so I cannot possibly fault them for this.
So, I will continue to block when necessary and will have no problem if I ever get blocked. I will continue to comment on all the cute babies--because, really, they are; I've very lucky that all my friends and family have such cute kiddos--and funny stories.
And when my time comes, watch out!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Rough day in TTC land
The hubby and I have been having a discussion about our TTC journey and I have come to the realization that I have been doing a lot of things wrong, possibly to the detrement of our relationship.
When we first decided to start trying, I was ready, jumping in with both feet. The hubby had gotten to a place where he definitely wanted children, but in general, he has a more relaxed attitude about life--something I really admire and wish I could emulate more!
In the beginning so as to get him used to the idea of trying, I simply went off the pill and we just had sex about when I thought we should--and, of course, other times too. I still got really upset each month when I wasn't pregnant, but I was still okay with it all. Even when I started using OPKs, I didn't let it stress me out; it was just a cool new element. I will fully admit to getting upset if the hubby wasn't in "the mood" when I was, which I know now--after lengthy discussion--was completely wrong of me. I'm sure I knew it at the time too.
I was putting on the pressure whether I realized it or not. It's the downfall of being a woman. Hormones rage and emotions run high. I felt like we weren't on the same page and he felt like I only wanted him to have a baby.
Neither of these things could be further from the truth.
I thought it got better when I started charting and when I started posting on The Bump, but I think even that started consuming me. Of course, that also coincided with the 6 month mark, which was really hard for me. Even though I had said I was afraid it could take me awhile to get pregnant, in the back of my mind,I really never thought it would take that long. And then once we hit a year, yeah, that was bad.
But, I really felt that after I had talked to the doctor and had the HSG test that I had sort of hit a stride. I felt like I was feeling differently. Not resigned to not having kids, but had made peace with the fact that it wasn't happening, so I was just going to keep at it and eventually it would.
I don't think that translated well to the hubby.
And I don't know that we've talked enough. He tends to hold those things in to protect me and maybe himself. I'm VERY outwardly emotional and could talk an ear off.
I've sort of come to a place of rambling here. Bottom line is we are on the same page. We both want kids and we are continuing on this journey, just maybe in a little different way for awhile.
When we first decided to start trying, I was ready, jumping in with both feet. The hubby had gotten to a place where he definitely wanted children, but in general, he has a more relaxed attitude about life--something I really admire and wish I could emulate more!
In the beginning so as to get him used to the idea of trying, I simply went off the pill and we just had sex about when I thought we should--and, of course, other times too. I still got really upset each month when I wasn't pregnant, but I was still okay with it all. Even when I started using OPKs, I didn't let it stress me out; it was just a cool new element. I will fully admit to getting upset if the hubby wasn't in "the mood" when I was, which I know now--after lengthy discussion--was completely wrong of me. I'm sure I knew it at the time too.
I was putting on the pressure whether I realized it or not. It's the downfall of being a woman. Hormones rage and emotions run high. I felt like we weren't on the same page and he felt like I only wanted him to have a baby.
Neither of these things could be further from the truth.
I thought it got better when I started charting and when I started posting on The Bump, but I think even that started consuming me. Of course, that also coincided with the 6 month mark, which was really hard for me. Even though I had said I was afraid it could take me awhile to get pregnant, in the back of my mind,I really never thought it would take that long. And then once we hit a year, yeah, that was bad.
But, I really felt that after I had talked to the doctor and had the HSG test that I had sort of hit a stride. I felt like I was feeling differently. Not resigned to not having kids, but had made peace with the fact that it wasn't happening, so I was just going to keep at it and eventually it would.
I don't think that translated well to the hubby.
And I don't know that we've talked enough. He tends to hold those things in to protect me and maybe himself. I'm VERY outwardly emotional and could talk an ear off.
I've sort of come to a place of rambling here. Bottom line is we are on the same page. We both want kids and we are continuing on this journey, just maybe in a little different way for awhile.
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